by Maddy Hunter
“I’m fetching Jonathan course number two,” Bernice announced as she crab-walked around me, bent beneath the weight of her dowager’s hump. “He’s the nicest fella. If he was a half century older, I’d take him home with me. I’ve always wanted to know what it’d be like dating a younger man.”
Oh, no, they were bonding. This was terrible! “Thanks, Bernice,” I said distractedly. “I owe you.”
She paused before scuttling back to me, looking up at me with her grizzled little ex-smoker’s face. “You got anything on you for general malaise, Emily? I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight, but I’m not feeling quite myself.”
I should have seen this coming — being agreeable was making her sick. “I don’t have anything on me, Bernice, but I could run back to the cabin. I have lots of over-the-counter stuff.”
She waved off the suggestion. “I don’t want to take you away from anything, dear. Never mind. I’ll survive.”
As I bolstered my courage to head back to the table, I looked toward the entrance to find Darth making his way back to me, cloak flying, shoulders squared, looking like an evil lord with an agenda. I gave him a little finger wave, feeling an inexplicable thrill when he cupped his gloved hands around my head and droned, “You’re so beautiful. You should be illegal.” I suspected he might have kissed me then if his mouth hadn’t been trapped behind the grill of a Dodge Ram truck. “Have I given you time enough to think about my question, Emily? Will you give me your answer?”
His question? Oh, my God. It was Duncan who’d popped the question? But…but how could I give him an answer? I was in the middle of a criminal investigation! I was on the trail of a killer! Was he completely blind to the fact that I was a little preoccupied at the moment?
“We’ve had a little incident at our table,” Nana said as she scampered breathlessly toward me. “We done just what you said, Emily. Snow and me come right out and asked Bailey if we could join her for dinner, and she seemed real pleased to have us, so all of us was sittin’ there eatin’ when it happened.”
I blinked numbly. “When what happened?”
“When a little chain she was wearin’ slid right down her bosom. She had a devil of a time findin’ it ’cause she wasn’t wearin’ no push-up bra, but she eventually fished it out. It was the little ring on the clasp what come apart. She was so upset, I offered to fetch her some tweezers so she could fix it, but then Margi come along, so I didn’t need to. It was real strange though, Emily. It was like Bailey didn’t want no one touchin’ it.”
“Margi had tweezers?”
“Forceps. Trust me. That ring’ll never come apart again. Oh, look, dear. Isn’t that Shelly, dressed like the Sugar Plum Fairy? Looks like she’s callin’ it a night.”
Shelly? I poked my head around Darth just in time to see her tutu disappear behind a small swarm of killer bees. Oh, no! No one was tailing her! Where was Bernice?
“Emily,” implored Darth, in his answering machine monotone.
Nana squinted up at him. “Are you s’posed to sound like that, or is your mask defective?”
“I’m supposed to sound like this.” He paused. “Why? Do you think I’m too nasally?”
“Where’s Bernice?” I ranted, standing on tiptoe to scan the nearest buffet islands. When I couldn’t find her, I grabbed Nana’s arm. “Follow Shelly. I’ll send Bernice to take over as soon as I find her.”
“Roger that,” she said, saluting me with her axe handle.
Darth stepped in front of me, blocking my view with eight towering feet of Made in China polyester and plastic. “WHAT…is going on?”
“Wait! There she is. S’cuse me.” I raced after Bernice, breathless when I reached her. “Shelly’s gone. Nana’s tailing her. If you hurry, you can catch both of them.”
She shoved a plate of hot entrées at me. “Give this to Jonathan. Which way did they go?”
Which way did they go? People actually said that? “Out the main entrance. Hurry.” I took a deep breath as Sherlock Holmes and the Red Baron sauntered casually past me — “A — CHOOOO!” — with Sneezy and Dopey nipping at their heels.
I rushed back to Darth, my heart leaping into my mouth when I saw Catwoman prance idly by him, she and her overlong tail looking to be headed for the nearest exit. Uff da! What was going on? Why were people leaving so early? What was I supposed to do? Follow Jennifer? Stay with Jonathan? DAMN!
I dished off the plate to Darth and nodded in the direction of my table. “Please. Would you deliver this to the broccoli spear over there?”
“Over where?”
“There!” I cried, thrusting my hand toward the table…that was now unoccupied. I looked left. I looked right. Oh, my God! No one was sitting at the table. It was empty! NOOOO! WHERE DID HE GO? Geez, I HATED it when a good plan fell apart. “I don’t mean to ditch you, Darth, but…I’m sorry, I’ve gotta run.”
I sprinted across the room on the lookout for Jonathan’s florets, weaving through the crowded tables in my kick-butt Wonder boots.
“Did you happen to see a broccoli spear pass by here within the last few minutes?” I asked a table of Crayola crayons close to the exit.
“I noticed a green vegetable on its way to the door,” said a woman whose golden hue was labeled BANANA MANIA. “But I can’t swear it was broccoli. It looked more like asparagus.”
I charged to the other side of the room, running into Margi, who was making her rounds. “Did you hear the news?” she asked as she scribbled a notation on her clipboard. “We’re arriving in Maui ahead of schedule. I heard someone say we picked up a tail wind.”
I slanted a look out the dining room’s glass-paneled wall to discover we were so close to land, I could see onshore lights winking in the twilight. “We’re there?” How could we be there? I hadn’t even found time to eat yet!
“We dropped anchor about a half hour ago. And have you noticed how people are leaving in droves? I bet it’s because of the freebies at that Lahaina resort.”
I frowned. “What freebies?”
Margi snatched a familiar orange flyer off the nearest table and handed it to me. “These freebies.”
I skimmed the paper to discover that one of the big beach hotels in Lahaina was offering free booze to anyone who showed up in costume before 9:00 P.M. Damn! This changed everything. Were my suspects going ashore to get lost, or get tanked?
“Margi, you need to rally the troops. Tell them this isn’t a drill. Whatever’s going to happen is about to happen right now. Man your posts!”
“Ten-four.” She dipped her head close to mine. “You want me to take your pulse before I leave? You could be eligible for the grand prize.”
“NO!” I dashed out the exit and ran through the foyer at the speed of light. I passed the Guest Relations Desk like a human blur, and when I reached the atrium, I skidded to a stop, sucking in air as I heeded the mob of revelers yukking it up around me. I looked up, and up, and up, at the guests hanging over the endless tiers of balconies, brandishing tommy guns, plastic sickles, and oversized cocktail glasses that were brimming with booze. I spied Antony and Cleopatra, Scarlett and Rhett, Bonnie and Clyde, but nowhere did I see Catwoman and a broccoli spear…until I glanced at the elevator shaft and saw a slender green vegetable shoehorned into the car, his stalk crushed against the interior glass. That was him! Jonathan!
In the next moment, the glass tube swooped belowdecks and disappeared.
He was going down, which meant he was definitely leaving the ship.
“Gjurd up and left!” snapped Grumpy as she beat a path through the crowd toward me, dragging Sleepy behind her. “We think he’s on his way back to his cabin. But don’t worry; we’re on him like ugly on an ape. Isn’t that right?” She whacked Sleepy in the gut, prompting him to nod sluggishly.
“You bet,” Osmond said, yawning into my face.
“What about Nils?”
“He left, too, but the pigs are trotting right after him. See? There’s one of them now.”
; I followed Grumpy’s gaze to find one of the little pigs signaling a greeting to me with her hoof. I flashed her a thumbs-up, then watched in bewilderment as she waddled around, wiggled her corkscrew tail at me, and oinked.
I hoped that wasn’t a secret code, because I had no idea what it meant. “I’m on my way to the disembarkation deck,” I told Grumpy. “I’ll probably see you down there.”
I snaked through the noisy crowd toward the central staircase, my descent slowed by streams of people who were swimming against the tide and incapable of figuring out how to get out of each other’s way. And to think I’d considered Times Square on New Year’s Eve a zoo! I fought my way through the foot traffic, wasting precious minutes as I waited behind revelers who stopped to converse on the stairs. When I reached the end of the line, I put a bead on the bulkhead door that was opened to the darkening sky. “Did a broccoli spear just leave the ship?” I asked the crewman who was standing by the door.
“Just barely. He nearly got deflowered heading out the door. He better remember to duck when he climbs into the tender.”
I narrowed my gaze at him. “Tender?”
Grinning, he guided me onto a metal ramp beyond the bulkhead door. “The tender,” he said, indicating a large boat that bobbed in the water below us. “That’s how guests get transported over to Lahaina. It’s not a deep-water port, so the Princess has to anchor in the bay.”
I looked from the boat, to the harbor, to the crewman again. “We can’t just dock and walk over?”
“You’re Wonder Woman.” He flashed a cocky smile. “If you don’t want to take the boat, why don’t you fly?”
I drilled him with a withering look. “Wonder Woman doesn’t fly. She just moves really, really fast.” I clomped down the metal stairs, across the length of a wobbly float, and up the gangway of the ship’s launch, where I ran headlong into the Sugar Plum Fairy, who was trying to look inconspicuous as she lingered outside the men’s head.
“Emily!” she asked when she saw me. “Are you going into Lahaina?”
Not wanting to give anything away, I did my best to muddy the issue. “Um, I haven’t actually decided yet.”
“Look, I hate to sound paranoid, but there’s something really weird going on here.”
From the tail of my eye I caught sight of Nana and Bernice, looking enormously pleased with themselves as they aimed fingers at Shelly and flashed victory signs at me. Uh-oh. I wondered if Shelly’s paranoia had anything to do with dwarfs.
Shelly lowered her voice and spoke to me from behind her hand. “I can’t go in there to check it out, but there’s a guy in the john who —”
The door swung open at that moment, ejecting the rotund form of Friar Tuck. “Get him!” shouted Shelly as she grabbed him by his cassock, kneed him in the groin, and kicked his legs out from beneath him. He crashed onto his face like a felled tree, bellowing out an agonized wail as she straddled his back and forced his arms behind his shoulder blades.
Hunh. Pretty slick moves for a fairy. I stared down at my boots and bustier. Maybe she was the one who should be wearing the Wonder Woman outfit.
“You’re busted!” she screamed at the fallen friar. “You’re a dead man! You hear me? A dead man!”
“I think you’d have to hit him way harder to incur death,” Bernice said helpfully.
Passengers rushed toward the commotion, emptying out the bow and stern. Jonathan in his broccoli stalk. The Red Baron in his scarf and aviator goggles. Sherlock Holmes with his signature pipe and cloak. Dopey and — “A-CHOOO!” — Sneezy. Nils in his gold diaper and trident. Grumpy and Sleepy. Gjurd in his wolfskin skirt and horned helmut. Two of the Three Little Pigs. A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, and the whole table of Crayola crayons.
A wave of panic choked me. One or two I could handle, but did the whole freaking suspect list have to show up for the showdown? I stared dumbly at Dopey. “How did you all get down here so fast?”
“Elevator. We thought about the stairs, but did you see them? They were way too jammed.”
“Talk!” Shelly yelled, bouncing the monk’s head off the floor like a Wiffle ball.
“A fairy taking down a friar,” Sneezy marveled. “How would you score that? A sin or a sacrilege?”
“Excuse me.” Nana waved her pick axe at Shelly. “If you keep thumpin’ his head on the floor like that, I’m afraid you might hurt him. Wouldn’t be so bad if he had hair, but he’s got no cushion.”
“You are sooo dead!” Shelly blasted the back of his head. “You’re —”
A lifeguard’s whistle blared behind us, piping out with a long, shrill tone. “Make way!” shouted a uniformed seaman as he muscled through the crowded passageway. “What’s going on down here?”
As we shuffled back to let him through, Friar Tuck boomed out a roar that could have raised hackles on a cue ball. Imbued with superhuman strength, he shambled to his feet with Shelly still on his back, whirled around like a dervish, and with adrenaline-crazed power, drove her hard into the wall, clocking her. He stepped away from the wall and shook her off him, causing a collective intake of breath as the lifeless fairy fell on her tutu.
“She attacked me!” he explained to onlookers in a finely cultured British accent. “You saw what happened. She’s a madwoman! Tell the bloke.”
“A clear case of self-defense,” Bernice announced.
“She’s right,” Nana agreed. “It was one a them unprovoked attacks.”
“I vote he’s innocent,” yawned Sleepy.
Nodding his appreciation for their support, Friar Tuck hobbled toward the bow and slid into a bench while the seaman knelt over Shelly, checking for vitals. Within a minute, three more crewmen joined the first, rolled her onto a stretcher, and carted her off, leaving the rest of us to buzz about what we’d just witnessed.
“Who am I supposed to tail now?” Bernice asked, as she and Nana joined me. “Is there anyone good left?”
Hearing a familiar thump, I glanced right to find Snow White hustling down the gangplank, leading with her walking stick. “I would have gotten here sooner,” she whispered in a breathy, conspiratorial tone, “but I made the mistake of taking the stairs.”
“Where’s Bailey?” Nana asked.
Snow angled her walking stick to starboard. “Pulling up the rear.”
Bailey appeared in the door, weighed down by a backpack, a soft-sided briefcase, and an over-the-shoulder bag. “Ladies,” she said, stopping beside us. “I guess this is good-bye. Again.” She scanned the tender from fore to aft. “Look at all the people. I didn’t think there’d be this many guests heading into Lahaina tonight.”
I sighed with dismay. “Neither did I.”
“I guess the prospect of free alcohol has all the rats abandoning ship. Which resort is it again?”
I stared at her vacuously as Catwoman sashayed on deck, dragging her tail past us as if we weren’t there. I’d read the announcement only a few minutes ago, so how come I couldn’t remember? “Umm, I’m not going ashore for the free booze, I’m…I’m going ashore for the” — I glommed onto the half-hidden chain around Bailey’s neck — “for the jewelry. One of the hotels is having a special Halloween sale on coral and…and pearls, and maybe…abalone.”
“Bailey’s got a real pretty necklace,” Nana piped up. “Why don’t you show Emily and Bernice?”
Bailey shrugged self-consciously. “It’s nothing, really. Just a cheap trinket.”
“Cheap?” Snow protested. “It looked like fourteen-karat gold to me. Don’t be modest. Show them.”
Cheeks reddening, Bailey fished the chain out from beneath her blouse, using her palm as a backdrop to display the charm that was attached. “See, it’s just a trinket.”
“Cute,” I said as I perused the little gold rowboat. Actually, charms weren’t my thing. I was more into shoes.
“But take a real good look,” Nana instructed. “It’s got real fine detail. Little oars. A fishin’ rod. A tackle box. Your grampa woulda loved that boat.”<
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Yeah, Grampa Sippel had always been fond of well-appointed fishing boats and ice shanties.
Bailey dropped the chain back under her blouse. “You think we’ll be leaving anytime soon? Seems like everything around here is always hurry up and wait.” She looked around the cabin once more. “Would you excuse me? I’m going to stake out a seat while there are still some available.”
“Us, too,” said Nana, grabbing Bashful and Snow and heading off behind her.
I leaned against the wall by the men’s head, completely flummoxed. So now what? Throw in the towel?
I shook my head and tried to think of the kinder, gentler days of my youth, when my responsibilities included nothing more than playing, daydreaming, and netting fish for Grampa Sippel when he’d nose his boat out into Gull Lake. Only Grampa never called it a fishing boat. He’d always called it a —
Bailey’s fourteen-karat gold charm flashed in my brain. I pushed away from the wall, trembling at what I was thinking. I scrubbed my face with my hands, puzzling together all the pieces of the jigsaw, until the whole picture revealed itself to me — the lies, the illusions, the chance meetings, the deceit. Holy shit! Shelly had been right! Something weird had been going on!
Unlooping my lasso from my waist, I coiled the rope into two large circles. Targeting my prey, I strutted toward the bow, and with Wonder Woman stealth, slid into the bench behind Friar Tuck. “GET HIM!” I yelled as I threw the lasso over his head.
“Are we doing that again?” Dopey asked behind me.
I jumped onto Tuck’s back, clobbering him with my fists. “You fake!”
“GET OFF!” he barked, twisting his body to detach me.
“Leave her alone!” shouted Jonathan, steamrolling across the aisle to head butt Tuck in his round little belly. WOOF! “Let her go!”
“She has me!” Tuck spat, batting Jonathan’s florets out of his face.
“Emily, dear!” I heard Nana yell over the din. “Do you know that man?”
“YES!” I screamed, sinking my fingers into his beard and ripping it off. “IT’S DORIAN SMOKER! Shelly recognized him even in his beard and fat suit. She called him a dead man because, guess what? He’s supposed to be dead!”