by Julia Mills
“I think it’s because you are his mate. I heard Ms Siobhan call Andrew the Special One. I don’t know what that means, but Mom and Dad said Kyra’s magic is stronger, Anya’s doing tons better with her dragon, and I know Charlie’s fairy magic is more sparkly cause I can see that for myself. Anyway, I want to tell you something I haven’t told anyone else. Can you keep a secret?”
“I can as long as keeping quiet won’t get anyone hurt.”
“No way, silly,” Sydney giggled. “That’s the stuff I tell Daddy right away.”
“Good girl.”
“What I have to tell you is just about you…and…well, Andrew.” It had been the only time Emma could remember that Sydney sounded unsure. The child usually just blurted out whatever was on her mind.
Curiosity won out of Emma’s need to be alone. “What is it, Syd?”
“Andrew’s still here, or well…there. He’s not dead, at least not all the way. He talking about the ‘Ether’ or the ‘Faces’. I can hear him. I tried to talk to him, but I guess he can’t hear me cause he didn’t answer.”
Emma wondered how much of what the child was saying was factual and how much was Sydney’s imagination, but she couldn’t help but hope that at least part of it was true.
“It’s all true. Here let me show you.”
More than a little embarrassed that the little girl had heard her doubt, Emma could only say, “Whatever you say, Kiddo.”
It felt a lot like when she’d been inside Andrew’s mind as Sydney opened her consciousness and showed Emma the place she’d ‘heard’ the traitor. There were echoes of hundreds of spirits that had passed through on the way to their final resting place. Some wailing and begging to be given one more chance, others resigned to their fate. And still others happy to ascend and live with their ancestors in the Heavens.
It was amazing that Sydney could access such a holy place. Emma could only imagine how special the child really was, even though no one had a clue how or why or what it all meant. At first glance, Sydney looked like any other seven year old. She even had the telltale missing tooth in the front, but after spending just a few minutes with the little girl, it was obvious she was so much more.
Growing impatient and rather creeped out by her surroundings, Emma asked, “What are we waiting on, Syd?”
“Shhh, I’m trying to find the spot.”
Feeling properly chastised, Emma sat back and waited, absentmindedly rubbing the strange heart shaped mark that had appeared on her wrist the night of Devon and Anya’s mating ceremony. At first it had only been a slight irritation, then like everything else, it went nuclear when Andrew came home. Since his death it had tingled a few times with no rhyme or reason and nothing too distracting, so she’d dismissed it in favor of nurturing the pain that burned through her body and threatened her sanity. She’d even forgotten to mention it to Siobhan. But then again, she hadn’t been in the mood to say much to the Elder Healer after all that had happened.
The sound of Sam’s voice calling to both her and Sydney pulled Emma out of the strange ‘in-between’ place.
“Sydney, what are you doing? Come back here this instant.” Emma had only heard the young doctor’s ‘mom’ voice one other time, but knew the girl was in for a world of hurt if she didn’t respond quickly.
Tugging on their clasped hands, Emma whispered through mindspeak, “Your mom’s calling you. It’s not polite to leave her waiting. We can do this another time.”
“Oh, all right, but I was almost there.”
Emma had to laugh at the petulance in Sydney’s voice. She really was something else. The two opened their eyes to find Sam standing over them, fists on her hips, mouth pursed in annoyance, shaking her head.
“I guess I don’t need to ask what this was all about, do I young lady. Where were you this time?”
“I was taking Emma to where I last heard Andrew.”
“YOU WERE WHAT?” Emma was sure most of the Towne Square had heard Sam’s shriek. “Sydney Renee Kavanaugh, what were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that my friend was sad and I didn’t want her to be sad anymore. Geez, Mom. What else was I supposed to do?”
“You were suppo…”
“You were supposed to do exactly what you did, sweetheart, and I thank you for it. You seem to be the only one that cares about my feelings.” Emma cut off Samantha’s words and spoke to the child while never losing eye contact with her mother.
“Emma, that’s just not the case.”
“Really, Sam? Really it is.”
Uncomfortable did not begin to describe the look on Samantha’s face as she lifted Sydney from Emma’s lap and asked her to take her bag of toys to the other room. Emma refused to look away, even when Sam had to. The soft click of her office door was the starting bell for Emma’s rage.
“You wanna know what makes me the maddest? What hurts the worst? It’s the fact that no one takes my feelings into account. It’s like all of you hate him so I’m supposed to hate him too…and for a while that worked. Now I know him. Not know him, know him, but know of him and have had a look at his heart and soul, revealing the man underneath all the bullshit. Yes! He’s a dick and he’s done some really bad things, but that’s not all that he is.”
She stood, her tone becoming louder and sharper as she went. “I know you’ve heard me say this at least ten times in the last four days, but I think it bears repeating. Now listen carefully.” Emma paused for dramatic effect and knew she was being a huge bitch, but couldn’t work up the strength to care. When she spoke again, each word was heavily enunciated and had a punch to it.
“He. Protected. Me.” She paused and let her words have their desired effect, then added, “He died to end my pain.” Emma slapped her chest with the palm of her hand. “Do you have any idea what that feels like? To have gotten a glimpse of the man that was to be my mate, only to lose him in the blink of an eye? Never to truly know him, only to know what the world that had already convicted him thought of him?” She was losing control. Her actions were becoming more animated.
“To know the Universe made me, little ole Emma the jeweler, quiet little girl that never said ‘boo’…yeah that girl. The big ole wise, wonderful, Universe made me especially for him. Our love was to be epic, one for the ages. I don’t know how I know, I just do.” She spun away from Sam only to turn right back around and advance until they were almost nose to nose.
“It didn’t matter that he was the traitor. Nothing he’d done mattered in that time. I got to see the real him. The one he’d worked so hard to hide. The one he thought was vulnerable and open to being hurt. And then…then he was just gone.” Her tone got so low, not even she was sure where that voice came from. “And that hurt, I mean really hurt. But do you know what was even worse? What the one thing is I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over?”
She waited and watched until Sam finally shook he head.
“Well, Samantha, what cut me to the quick, hurt me worse than I thought it was possible for a person to hurt, was the fact that all the people I love more than anything, the people I consider family, the people I would die for,” Emma stopped and threw her hands over her head before continuing, “they just expected me to get over it. Had the audacity to say I was better off without him. Even went so far as to say just brush it off. Brush it off? What the hell is that? No matter that he was my mate and their brethren, Andrew was a person…a living, breathing, person that deserved more, no matter what he’d done, than to be brushed off.”
Emma spat the last two words and then glared at Sam, knowing it wasn’t really the young doctor she was upset with. Anyone standing there would’ve received the same punishment. Samantha just happened to be the lucky winner when Emma’s emotional damn broke. Now that it was flowing she had no way to stop it.
Turning her back to Samantha, Emma continued, “Sydney is the first and only person that has given me anything to hold on to, anything that even let me know he really existed besides the memories and t
he pain.”
Sam went to speak and Emma spun on her, holding up a hand to silence her. “Please don’t try to use psychology on me. Don’t tell me that I saw the corpse so I know he was real and that he is now dead. Oh, and I will throw up if you tell me that grief is hard but I’ll get through it.”
Squinting her eyes and leaning closer to Sam she said, “How do you know I’ll get over it. Has this happened before? Is there a recorded history detailing all the times mates have met and one has died before they bonded and the remaining mate has gone on to live a long, productive life?”
She waited patiently, and when Sam didn’t answer, Emma shook her head. “You can’t, because no such record exists. The only stories you will find will be those where the mating bond was complete and the mates either went to the Heavens together or only separated by a small expanse of time. But because my mate was the traitor, the most notorious of the Dragon Guard’s enemies, I’m just supposed to ‘get over it’.”
Falling into her chair, Emma let her head fall back and her eyes slide closed. She was more tired than she could ever remember being, and the pain she’d been holding at bay was barreling towards her with the promise of vengeance. Taking a deep breath and then holding it to the count of ten, she exhaled. Opening her eyes to just small slits, she found Sam sitting on the edge of the coffee table facing her, looking like the doctor she was and not someone that was going to take much more of Emma’s BS.
“Finished now?”
Emma gave the slightest of shrugs, waiting to see what great advice the physician had; sure there was nothing the woman could say that would help the way she felt. But as was becoming a habit–she was wrong.
“To be honest, I had no idea anyone had told you to brush it off. That is absolutely deplorable, and when you feel up to it, I will be your backup and we will pay whoever had the nerve to say that to you a visit he or she will never forget. You have every right to feel whatever you feel. No one, and I mean no one, has the right to tell you how to feel and most certainly not to diminish your feelings. I am so very, very sorry you had to go through that.
“Along the same lines, there’s not a one of us that knows if you would’ve been better off with or without Andrew. Everyone has an opinion and no one has the right to impose theirs upon you. My momma used to say opinions were like assholes and everybody’s got one. When I was younger I thought that was the stupidest saying in the world, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize she was so very right.
“You wanna know what I think?” Not waiting but two seconds for an answer, Sam hurried on, “I think you getting to see the goodness in Andrew was the best thing that could’ve happened, not only for you but for all the Guardsmen, especially his brothers. Those pig-headed, stubborn, wonderful men have spent so many years hating Andrew and vilifying him, blaming him for damn near everything that’s wrong with the world; somewhere along the way they forgot he was a real person, one of them. A guy that when presented with great adversity made the wrong choice and never found his way back.
“I also believe wholeheartedly that the love between you and Andrew would’ve been epic. You were the one thing Andrew had done right in a very long time. He would’ve learned to trust again. You, Emma Sinclair, are one of the strongest people I know. I have faith you would’ve healed the man and the dragon.”
The tick of the clock on the mantle filled the silence as the two women simply looked at one another. Emma felt a tear roll down her cheek, saw the look of compassion in Sam’s eyes, and shook her head. The doctor leaned back as the jeweler breathed a sigh of relief. She had no doubt that had Sam spoken, touched her, or made any effort to give comfort at that moment, Emma would’ve broken into a million pieces that not even all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could have put back together again.
Several minutes passed before Sam spoke, and what she said resonated within Emma’s entire being. “And just to prove that the Universe does not make mistakes, you have a decision to make, one not unlike Andrew faced. Do you forgive or do you seek revenge? Do you follow your mate to the Heavens or stay with the family that loves you even though they acted like jerks? Only you can decide–it is your path to follow.”
Sometime while Sam was talking, Sydney had come back into the room. The little girl climbed up on Emma’s lap and took the woman’s hand. “I found him again. He’s still in that weird kind of nothing place.”
Emma gave the child a weak smile then looked at Sam. “I’m sorry for losing my cool.”
Laying her hand on Emma’s knee, the young doctor smiled. “Not a problem. That’s what friends are for.”
Smiling back, Emma turned Sydney on her lap until they were face to face. “I want to thank you, Syd. I think there have been times I felt Andrew’s presence but was afraid to believe; you’ve shown me that it’s okay.” See kissed the child’s forehead before leaning back and sighing. Exhaustion was beginning to sink in, but now that she’d had her meltdown she actually felt better, and for the first time in over a week, she didn’t want to be alone.
“There is one other thing I think you should know, but if you tell anyone I told you, I’ll deny it,” Samantha winked. “Aaron and Aidan are having as hard a time with Andrew’s death as you are, maybe more so. The difference is, they think they are hiding their pain from everyone.
“Charlie says that Aaron refuses to talk about it and trains every waking minute. She said he has one more day before the ass-kicking begins.”
The thought of Charlie kicking her mate’s ass brought an almost grin to Emma’s lips. She would pay to watch that match and bet her life savings on the little fairy for the knockout.
“And Grace can’t get Aidan out of the house,” Sam went on. “He alternates between rearranging the nursery and nagging Grace to rest. The poor dear called Lance this morning and begged him to get Aidan out from under foot for just an hour or so. The poor girl is only a few weeks from giving birth and the last thing she needs is her mate making her crazy.
“She called me before Syd and I came over here to tell me he’d had nightmares the few times he actually stopped long enough to sleep. She was worried enough that she slipped into his dreams. She saw the same thing in Aidan’s dream that Sydney described. I think it is something you need to talk to Siobhan and Pearce about. Something about all of this feels off and they are the only ones I know of that might be able to get you some answers.”
Emma thought about what Samantha said long after the doctor and her daughter had gone. The pain returned, but not as bad as it had been. Returning to bed, she resumed her fetal position while clutching her pillow to her chest, but this time it was not ward off the pain, but to welcome it; to feel it, to let it fill her on her terms.
Samantha had been right; she did have decision to make, but not the one the doctor had talked about. No, Emma had to decide if she was going to lie down and accept that Destiny had taken her mate before she ever got to know him, or if she was gonna fight for him. Sydney had made her believe Andrew was out there. It was up to Emma to find a way to him, and she knew exactly what to do.
A verse she had no memory of spun around and around though her mind. Although she had no clue how she knew, she just knew it would help her find Andrew’s soul.
Follow the pain. Follow your heart. Follow the love, you find the start.
CHAPTER FOUR
“Better not let Emma hear you say that.”
“Let hear me what, Pearce?” she asked, walking into the basement of the clinic without knocking.
“Ahh…well…It’s just that…” The look on the Guardsman’s face was priceless and any other time Emma would’ve teased back, but today there was no time and she was in no mood.
“Since the cat got Pearce’s tongue, how about you tell me what’s going on, Devon?”
“Emma, dear, we were just talking about something Mom found while she and Pearce were doing some research. It’s really nothing.”
“Devon, honey, you really should never
attempt to lie. You suck at it.” Emma mimicked the tone he’d used while standing in front of him with her hands on her hips.
He looked over her head as if searching for someone…anyone to save him, and all she heard was Pearce trying to hide his laughter.
“You might as well tell her. Aaron and Aidan were already here today. I’m sure they’ve told their mates. It’s just a matter of time before she finds out anyway,” Pearce commented as he hurried out the door.
She heard Devon mumble ‘Chicken shit’ under his breath. Any other time in her life, Emma would’ve given in and let her friend off the hook, but not now; not after all that had happened, not after the night she’d had. Something wasn’t right. She could feel it in her heart.
Her sleep had been plagued with visions of Andrew. He was trying to tell her something, she just knew it. Sydney said he was still, in some odd way, among the living, or at least ‘partially living’, making Emma adamantly believe the visions were her mate trying to contact her and not just her overactive imagination or need to have another chance at making it work. One obstacle stood in her way; no matter how hard she tried to communicate with Andrew, all that came back was a whishing sound reminiscent of the noise Siobhan’s old canister vacuum used to make.
A few minutes before dawn, she’d had enough. Decision made, she’d risen from bed and headed to the living room. After opening the blinds, she’d sat in an almost lotus position watching the sun making its first appearance of the day.
Clearing her mind, Emma used the picture of Andrew she had in her mind to focus and she meditated. It was something she hadn’t done in years. Meditation was something she’d used to ease her anxiety for years after coming to the lair. The memories of her early years were foggy at best. She pushed to see them, to remember, but nothing came into focus, and after a few minutes of digging, she had a terrible headache.
Moving on, praying the pain in her brain would subside, she began searching for Andrew, or rather, his spirit. It was like following footsteps through the forest after a hard rain. She could tell he’d been there, even saw traces, but for the most part was flying blind. Every once in a while she would get a burst of another type of energy. It was stronger…bigger somehow, and connected not only in the same bright spot she and Andrew were, but also one deeper within her soul. A place she hadn’t known existed until that moment. The oddest thing about it was it felt old... really old.