by Jaden Wilkes
“We barely know each other,” I replied. My voice was flat, devoid of emotion and I almost choked on my words. “You’re nothing to me, please leave.”
“You know that’s not true,” he said, his eyes pleading with me. “I’ve felt it, I know you’ve felt it. This is like being struck by lightning, one in a million. This is the thing that people talk about, Liv. You know it’s real, you can’t deny it.”
“You need to leave,” I said with a tinge of hysteria creeping into my voice. “GET OUT!” I finally screamed, losing control and starting to cry. I rushed at him and pounded his chest with my fists. He tried to grab my wrists but I pulled away. “You fucking liar,” I spat, “I won’t be that girl, the other woman. I won’t ruin your fiancée’s life because you can’t keep your cock in your pants!”
That cock, that stupid beautiful, thick cock. I hated myself for wanting him, even now in the midst of his lies and our ruin.
He backed up towards the door and turned to leave. As he hit the ground, he turned back and looked up at me. “If this is what you want, I’ll go,” he said, “but I’ll make things right for you, Liv. I will convince you to give me another chance. I don’t give up easy, so be prepared for me to come for you when I’m free and clear.”
I didn’t answer. I jerked the door to the trailer shut and twisted the lock angrily. I stumbled back to my room and threw myself across the bed to process the shit storm I found myself in.
Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of the emotions racing through me at that moment; nothing could have helped me forget about Cairo and how much I’d wanted him to be the one. My one.
As much as I kept reminding myself of the horrible reality that he was a liar and a cheater, worse than Jason even, I couldn’t prevent my mind from drifting to the intimate moment’s we’d spent together.
All the little actions that make up a sexual encounter. Every little noise, whispers of skin on skin, thrill of another person’s touch. And his mouth on mine, and on my clit. His eyes, the way they shone when he brought me to orgasm. The guttural exclamation when he ejaculated in my mouth, his hands woven in my hair as though that were the one thing that kept him grounded, steady on the planet.
And his mouth, always back to his mouth. The tickle of beard as he kissed me and breathed out into me, the slide of his tongue as he reclaimed the breath and brought it back into him. In and out, back and forth, circling and cycling for what I had hoped would be longer than a fucking day.
The time it takes the earth to spin on its axis, and my world was turned upside down.
I hurt. I curled myself into a tiny ball and let myself cry.
It hurt like a mother fucker, like nothing I’d ever felt before, and for once this wasn’t a good thing.
For once I didn’t want to be like everybody else and feel this pain. For once, for possibly the first time, I wanted my heart to be as dead as my skin, immune to the sharp shards of hurt slicing me to bits as I cried.
And cried.
*****
I refused to be late for rehearsal and I refused to let Cairo and Orion get to me, so I forced myself up and out of my bed into the shower.
I even looked normal after I’d finished with my makeup and hair.
I walked to the performers tent a few minutes early and saw the other performers leaving, rushing out of there in Orion’s wake.
I smiled and said hello to the girls leaving at the end, tall beauties who were joined at the hip. They had two torsos, two legs, and a couple of huge grins when I greeted them. Stuff like this didn’t even phase me anymore, that’s what three weeks of working at Cirque did to a person.
Give me another month and I’d be desensitized to it all.
“You’re very early today,” Orion announced as I approached the stage. Like I didn’t fucking know.
“I am,” I declared as I stood in front of him, “tonight’s the big night.”
“It is,” he said, “we will go to wardrobe after this and find you a costume. We will practice, but I will not hit you. I just need the same level of drama you managed the time I drew blood. I will aim for the other side,” he continued and touched my upper arm, “here.”
“Sounds good,” I said but he didn’t remove his finger. He was looking at my skin, as though able to see beneath the surface to my muscle, blood and bones. I felt naked before him, his gaze was so intense. “You want to strap me in?” I asked to break the uncomfortable silence.
As though breaking his spell, my words snapped him out of it, he pulled his hand back like it burned and said, “Yes, very well.”
We made it through rehearsal and I found out that I could now turn on the wheel and put my brain on autopilot. If I didn’t think, things went smoother for me.
It seemed like all of life was like that these days.
I was walking across the Cirque grounds to wardrobe with Orion when we ran into Cairo.
“Did you get the reports I sent you?” Cairo asked his father, but he stood in front of me and looked me in the eyes.
“Yes, yes,” Orion replied in an uninterested tone. He waved his hand dismissively and said, “We have things to do, so excuse us.”
“Where are you going?” Cai asked, still not looking away from me.
“Wardrobe,” his father replied.
“Good, I’ll tag along,” Cairo said and wouldn’t be dissuaded by the dark look I threw his way. He simply raised an eyebrow and smiled at me.
Why did he have to be so damned charming, and why did my body have to respond the way it did every time he was near?
Orion didn’t seem very pleased by the time we got to wardrobe. He dragged a couple of costumes off the racks and tossed them towards me. “Try the red one on first, it will compliment my tie.”
I went behind the curtain and dragged myself into the tight little dress. It was strapless but hung below my knees. I could barely breathe though as it was so snug. Luckily it was a somewhat stretchy material, so I could manage a few shallow breaths at a time.
I could hear Cairo and his father talking in low voices outside, but couldn’t quite pick up on what they were saying. They sounded pissed off.
I held still and focused on their voices, determined to listen in. I caught Cairo’s voice, deep and angry, like a growl. “Stay the fuck out of it, you have no right.”
Orion’s voice was low and dangerous when he replied, “I have every right, you are my son. Have you even told her what we are? I didn’t think so or else she would have run away by now.”
“Let’s not do this here,” Cai growled and both men fell silent. I took this as my cue to come out, so I swept the curtain back and stepped into the light.
The reaction was immediate, both men jumped to their feet, their jaws agape. I almost laughed at their expressions; father and son wore the same one. Orion’s looked a little more feral though, dangerous, while Cairo looked like he could bury his beautiful face in between my thighs and force me into rolling wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure.
I focused on Orion, ignoring Cai. “Is it okay?” I asked and tugged at the dress under my armpit, it felt like it was bunching up and being strapless, I couldn’t wear a bra. I felt naked.
“It will do,” Orion replied in an even tone, but his eyes betrayed his hunger. I tried not to shudder around him, now more than ever. I deliberately didn’t look at Cairo when I turned back to take it off. As I slid the curtain back in place, I did catch his look...his face was shining with pure desire but with something else playing across his features.
If he weren’t engaged to some contortionist from Eastern Europe, I would have thought it was love.
But it couldn’t be love and it would never be love, not while he was a taken man.
I slid the dress off and felt relief and sorrow when Cairo called out to me, telling me he’d see me later, he had business to attend to.
I didn’t want to be cruel, I wasn’t a heartless person, but I was too broken to respond. He waited for my reply, I could f
eel his anticipation hanging heavy in the air, and his disappointment as he drew in a breath and finally left.
I put on my own clothes and draped the dress over my arm, fixed a smile on my face and pulled the curtain aside once again.
I hid my own disappointment when I saw Orion waiting for me. I really wasn’t in the mood to keep up my act for much longer. I wanted to head back to my trailer and curl into a ball of misery.
He nodded towards the door we’d come in and said, “Wait here, Gert will be along to fit you with shoes and work on your hair and make-up.”
He left without another word. I drew in a long shuddering breath and sat on the stool next to the curtained change room until Gert arrived and broke me out of my melancholy ponderings.
By the time the older woman was done, I looked incredible. My hair was tamed into deliberate chaos. It was twisted into elaborate braids with crystals and woven pieces of colourful cloth threaded throughout. My make-up was dramatic, much more than I was used to, but I had to admit I liked it. Gert had used a thick foundation and slashed colours across the rest of my face, like I belonged in a David Bowie music video from the eighties.
Gert had also given me my fill of Cirque gossip, none of it useful to me for finding Cara or deciphering Cairo, but it was entertaining to hear about the antics of my fellow performers.
It solidified the idea that had been growing in the back of my mind, the idea that in the Cirque I might find acceptance. Among the freaks I was normal.
I had found family, in spite of the upheaval I felt around Cairo. I wanted to stay, and had decided I would do whatever it took to remain with the group.
Even if it meant facing him and his future bride. Even if it meant my heart breaking every time I saw them together.
Even if it meant cocooning my heart and letting myself give up on love.
I would do it to stay, to feel normal and welcome for the first time in my life.
Chapter Fifteen
The massive main stage canvas tent was packed elbow to elbow with excited people. I kept peeking out the curtains at the audience, imagining them naked to calm my nerves.
It wasn’t working. Stupid advice, I thought, whoever came up with that wasn’t facing this many people at a fucking circus.
Orion was the ringmaster of the entire show. I’d never really thought of him as able to command the attention of so many people, but I’d been wrong. He was brilliantly charming and had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. They laughed when he told jokes, gasped when he dramatically swept his hand to display one of the performers, and held their breath when he explained the danger involved in some of the acts.
I was in his thrall when he was on stage, gone was his singular dark intensity, his feral predatory presence. He shone in front of a crowd.
I wasn’t so sure how I was going to handle the performance. I wanted to believe I’d be a natural at it, but now that I was faced with the crowd, I wasn’t so sure.
The act was the final performance of the evening, the grand finale in which I was going to be injured, by accident according to the crowd. They would be ushered out and left wondering if the girl on the stage would be okay.
It would create the drama that Orion so desperately needed.
“You’ll be fine,” Cairo said from behind me. I jumped, turned and faced him. “You’ll be better than fine,” he added.
“I know,” I replied. I was playing it cool, keeping my nerves calm by pretending I had no feelings for him. I wasn’t doing a very good job at it, my stomach clenched and I felt a creeping warmth rising through my body. “Your father has taught me a lot in the few days we’ve had together. For example, how your mother’s dying wish was for you to marry some girl from another circus family?”
“Let’s not do this now,” he said and grabbed my arm. “Can we talk afterwards? I need to explain what’s going on. I’ll tell you everything.”
“I think you’re beyond explaining,” I spat, “all I need to know is yes, you have a fiancée. That’s it, case closed. I won’t be the other woman, I won’t be like Becs.”
“Who?” he asked, confused. I forgot that I hadn’t told him anything about Becs and Jason. It was strange, we hadn’t known one another for long, but I felt as though I’d shared so much with him. Like we should automatically know about each other’s lives.
“My best friend, fucked my boyfriend, you know...oldest tale in the book. I won’t be her, the other woman. I won’t break your fiancée’s heart. I can’t do it.”
“You keep saying fiancée like it means something,” he said, “it means nothing. It’s a stupid arrangement; you know it’s just about the money. My father owes a lot of it to the wrong people and he’s counting on her family’s money to dig him out of the hole he’s in. I’m done with it though, I’m sick of rescuing the fucking family and not living the life I want.”
“Then walk away,” I said, “I dare you! You know you can’t do it. You tried it once already.”
The stage manager motioned for me to get ready, I took one last peek at the audience, there would have had to be almost a thousand people crammed in there.
“I won’t take no for an answer,” he said. “We need to talk about this. Promise me you’ll meet me later.”
“I can’t promise anything,” I said, “and thanks for fucking up my first performance. Now I feel sick to my stomach.”
He gripped my arm tighter and the stage manager was getting restless with my lack of movement into place. She gestured again and mouthed the words, “Get over here.”
“You will be magnificent...but I won’t let you go unless you agree to talk,” he said in my ear. He didn’t loosen his hand, so I believed him. He would try to keep me off stage and ruin my first night working with Orion. I might end up fired and homeless after all.
“Let me go,” I said and tried to pull back. He held me tight, and I could hear Orion wrapping up the performance before ours. “Fine, I’ll talk to you. Just let me do my act.”
“Perfect,” Cairo said, loosed his grip at last and moved his hand up to my shoulder. He rubbed it and I couldn’t resist, I let him keep it there. “You’re so beautiful, the crowds will love you. They’ll eat you up, and I don’t blame them.”
He leaned and kissed me, brushed away a stray strand of hair from my neck and landed his lips in its place. From my mouth to my shoulder, my skin was on fire. “I’ll be waiting for you, here with the medics,” he murmured against my neck and I shivered at the contact. Damn, he already knew what it took to make me forget my surroundings and my anger.
“Okay, I have to focus,” I said, breathed out and walked towards the manager who was gesturing wildly for me to get moving. “Here goes nothing,” I mumbled under my breath, turned back once to see Cai’s bright eyes watching me, and entered the performance area.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Orion spoke into his microphone. It was hooked to an earpiece, like a telephone headset. Hands free was helpful when you were a knife thrower I supposed. “I would like to bring you to the final act of the night. As you exit, remember, the Freakshow tents will remain open until midnight if you didn’t have a good look before the main event.”
The audience was quiet, enthralled with Orion’s dynamic stage presence and low, accented voice.
“I would like to introduce you to my lovely assistant for tonight,” he said and waved his hand for me to come forward. “This is Nadia, direct from Russia. She doesn’t speak a word of English, otherwise she never would have agreed to this act,” he continued, “so let’s give her a round of applause.”
The crowd’s reaction was immediate, and I was immediately addicted. The roars, cheers and clapping were all directly injected into my veins like a drug. The excitement washed over me, and I began to play it up for the crowd, bowing and waving like I truly had no idea I was going to be strapped to a spinning wheel and have knives thrown at me.
Orion motioned for me to stand against the wheel, when I pretended I had no idea wha
t I was supposed to do, he grabbed my hand and strapped it in, followed by my other hand and feet.
It was very business-like and performed in front of hundreds of people watching, but I found the act strangely intimate. He kept eye contact with me almost the entire time, and spoke to the crowd on his mic, but I felt as though it were just the two of us.
I hadn’t expected it, but I was a little turned on by it all. I could feel the thrum of the crowd, the weight of their expectation, Orion’s pleasure, the touch of his hand on my skin, the fear that something could go wrong and the exhilarating belief that it will all go right. It left my body humming with an erotic energy.
Orion stepped back and two assistants rolled out a rack of knives. The crowd went silent. I could hear the distinct sounds of throats being cleared and people shuffling in their seats.
He pumped the foot pedal and I started to spin, slowly at first but I sped up fast. I felt as though I were going faster than the first few times I’d been on the wheel. I focused on Orion’s face to keep myself centered.
He was the picture of concentration, his eyebrows furrowed and his full lips narrowed into a straight line. He removed one of the larger knives from the rack and pulled his arm back.
The thwack of the first knife drew exclamations from the crowd, these grew with each knife thrown as they longer and wider. Everybody was on the edge of their seats, secretly hoping one of the knives would hit me, every human had a morbid side if they were forced to admit it.
Orion handled the knives expertly, he had the crowd eating out of his hand through our performance, but now he had them in awe of his deadly talents. Between tosses, he would entertain the audience with tales of knife throwing through the ages, and his own personal experiences. This served to ramp up the crowd’s anticipation.
He finally got down to the final toss of the show, the one that would penetrate my body and create the illusion of a grand mistake. Orion made an offhand light remark about never hitting a single one of his human assistants, pulled his hand back and paused. The crowd was still, as though frozen in time, hanging on his every movement. I could see a flash of light off the polished blade as I spun around, and he let it fly.