* * *
COLE’S HEART LURCHED. There was no way he was going to let Sashi out of his sight tonight. He was still trying to recover from seeing her lying there on the floor terrified. Then to find out she was suffering badly from post-traumatic stress disorder. He wished Daniel had told him more. Had he known, he would’ve slept on the couch in her apartment.
What had upset her enough to want to go back downstairs? It was probably the talk about señoritas. He was such an ass. He’d been trying to show her that the señoritas meant nothing to him. Instead he’d made her think just the opposite and now she probably felt foolish.
“I can’t let you leave, because I’m not comfortable with the idea. Come here. Let’s get you ready.” He could see the reticence in her eyes. “If you don’t come over here, you can sleep in your dress. It’s your choice.”
She finally scooted over and let him pick her up. This time he couldn’t help himself. He gathered her in his arms almost in time with the music. While one hand slid up her back possessively, she let him caress her leg like he’d wanted to do all night.
Her expression revealed she could tell the difference in his mood and her body melted into him. Her free hand moved up his bare arm with purpose, forming an arc until it found the spot on his neck to place for dancing. She ran her other hand up his chest and behind his neck. His body leaned into hers.
With little effort he picked her up, but this time he held her upright, wrapping his arms firmly around her. He let her left foot rest on his right foot as their bodies began to move to the music. Their eyes met and the attraction that had been between them at the beginning was still there. Sashi clung to Cole. Soon he was swaying her body to and fro so easily it felt as though they were one.
He couldn’t believe how well the two of them fit. It was as if they were meant to be together. He held her close with one hand, then gently positioned her face so he could see those lips he’d been longing to kiss.
Cole rubbed his cheek against hers. Sashi let out a moan of pleasure and moved her lips closer to his. And then he kissed her.
* * *
SASHI OPENED HER MOUTH and deepened the kiss. This couldn’t be happening. She was in heaven. She was dancing. Her body was moving and she was kissing the man of her dreams. It hit her then that she was in love with Cole. But did he love her? He constantly played this game of hot and cold with her. She didn’t think she could handle it when he went back to being the caring doctor.
“We need to stop,” she murmured, and pushed him away. “I don’t know if you’re simply feeling sorry for me right now, but I can’t handle it. Will you take me to the bathroom and get me my crutches?” She was breathing fast, but her heart was pounding faster.
“I’m sorry, Sashi.”
“Save it! Can you give me some privacy? I have pajamas in my suitcase. If you’ll grab them for me, too. Do you have any idea how much I hate depending on you like this?” Anger had replaced her passion.
“I can only imagine. And for that, all I can say is how sorry I am.” Cole carried her to the bathroom and put her down right next to the counter so she could have something to hold on to.
She was feeling too emotional. “I’d really like to go back to my room.”
“I promise never to hurt you like that again. I’m worried about you being alone. PTSD is serious. Until we find the right meds to help you, night can be the worst of times. It doesn’t matter where you sleep, I’ll be in the room with you in my sleeping bag.”
Sashi’s face fell. “Fine. Will you just go?”
After he left, she splashed water on her face and used her finger as a toothbrush. She’d been insane to let Cole kiss her again. That and the dancing. It had felt good to move to music. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to dance again. Everyone said she would, but what if she was broken forever?
She had to stop feeling sorry for herself. Mary had told her she’d be dancing one of these days. She was a wonderful physical therapist and Sashi trusted her. She had to fight her attraction to Cole and somehow come to understand that she wasn’t responsible for Kendra’s death.
Again the tears came. She rested her head on the counter. Kendra had been her best friend. This whole mess could have been prevented if Sashi had stopped her from going into the woods. How would she ever let go of the guilt?
Here she was stuck in Alaska with a man who at first had felt desire for her, but then had changed and felt only obligated to help her. Why he’d kissed her tonight made no sense. Like he’d said, he was sorry. She needed to remember that.
* * *
“I HAVE YOUR CLOTHES. Can I come in?” Cole asked.
She lifted her head. “Yeah. Just put them on the floor.”
Cole felt like a heel. When he opened the door, he could see that Sashi had been crying. The woman had been through too much and the last thing she needed was to receive mixed signals from him. He put the clothes on the floor next to her. Understanding her need for independence, he propped her crutches against the counter.
While Sashi got dressed, Cole pulled out the sleeping bag he’d brought up. He rolled it out on an air mattress on the floor next to the bed, grabbed a pillow and lay down.
A few minutes later Sashi came out in a faded blue T-shirt and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. He thought she looked sexier than ever. Obviously anything the woman wore turned him into a hormone-driven teenager. He watched as she climbed into his bed, trying not to imagine all kinds of things he shouldn’t.
He reached for the glass of water and pills. “These are supposed to prevent the dreams. They helped me some nights when I was younger.”
She looked at him and took a pill, gulping it down with the water he gave her. “Thanks. Have a good night’s sleep, Cole.”
“You, too.” He climbed into his sleeping bag and for what seemed like hours listened to her breathe. At last he fell asleep.
* * *
TWO WEEKS PASSED, AND an exhausted Sashi entered the group therapy room using her walker. No one was here yet. She sat down and thought about her long day. She’d spent the morning working with Mary while they exercised her arms and good leg. Then she’d read until it was time for group therapy this afternoon.
Living with Cole was difficult. She found the daily routine tedious, as though they were going through the motions. There were looks of interest, moments their eyes found each other. Then they would slip back into the awkward friendship they’d created between them. Who gave a damn about the weather anymore? Sashi felt as if she was going to go crazy. Her attraction to Cole was growing stronger every day.
At some point she would need to fly to Prince of Wales Island and face Freddy. She was waiting for the DNA results to come back confirming that Freddy was indeed the father of Kendra’s child. She’d told Trace about the pregnancy so the coroner would be cognizant of it before the autopsy.
Sashi was still mourning her friend and missing her family. Life was never going to be the same again—a difficult concept she had to come to terms with. In truth, Cole was just a person passing through her life, not really a part of it.
“Good afternoon.” Dr. Samuelson walked in, dressed impeccably in a dark suit with a red tie.
“Hello, Doctor.”
“How are you doing?” He took in her appearance. “You appear to be getting stronger.”
“I am. Mary pushes me hard. And I push myself harder. Dancing is my life. I’m going to make my dream true.”
S
he was still flushed and sweaty after working out. Luckily her leggings and T-shirt wore well. She’d pulled her hair into a tight bun.
“I can see that. There’s new life in your cheeks and expression.”
“I’m fighting a war with myself. I know I can win, but it’s hard.”
“In what way?”
“Panic attacks at anytime, terrible loneliness, nightmares, feelings of impending doom and depression, for starters.” Sashi reached for a tissue.
The door opened and in walked Cole. He was in scrubs and his white lab coat. Damn him. Nothing he wore made him unattractive.
“Glad you could join us, Cole.”
“Sorry to be late, Daniel. There was a bad accident down the road. I had to prep a patient for the O.R.” Sashi noticed the dark smudges beneath his eyes. He hadn’t been sleeping and she wondered why.
“In emergencies we can postpone your therapy,” the doctor assured him.
“I know, but today is special. Sashi is finally ready to tell her story. I didn’t want her to have to wait any longer than necessary.”
“You look tired. Are you sure you don’t need a break from things?”
“Can we talk about me later?” Cole shot him a look that said he was done talking.
The tension in the room made Sashi feel claustrophobic, like being trapped inside a blanket.
“I don’t think I can talk about anything with all my bad feelings.” She buried her face in her hands. “I just don’t want to talk.”
“Okay. Let’s try something else.” She could hear Dr. Samuelson moving chairs around. When she looked up, she saw two chairs facing each other.
“What are you doing?”
“I want you to take a seat in one of the chairs.”
Self-consciously Sashi got up and, leaning on the walker, moved to the chair closest to herself. She sat. “What do I do now?”
“I want you to look at that empty chair and pretend Kendra’s sitting there. I want you to tell her how you feel. Then I want you to go to the other chair and respond as if you were Kendra. Okay?”
Horrified, Sashi looked at Cole and then at the doctor. “This is even worse.”
“Go on, Sashi,” the doctor pushed. “Tell Kendra how you feel. I think it will make you feel better.” Cole nodded in agreement.
She shuddered and took a deep breath. “Kendra? I’m sorry.” A sob came out. Sashi grabbed her tissue and dabbed her eyes. “I’m so sorry I didn’t stop you from walking out the door of the cabin. I blame myself for you leaving. I had no idea you were pregnant. I should have known or figured it out.
“I don’t know how, but I should have come up with some way to stall you or talk reason into you. I should have kept you from leaving the cabin after you and Freddy fought. Instead I just blindly followed you out that door.
“Why I didn’t use the receiver Joe gave me sooner, I don’t know. I was delirious with pain. But I regret every moment of every day since you’ve been gone that you’re gone and I’m here. It’s not fair. You’ve always been the most unselfish, kind person I’ve ever known. Plus...you were pregnant.” Sashi completely broke down.
“Now, Sashi,” Dr. Samuelson said, “I want you to switch places. I want you to be Kendra and answer Sashi. Do you think she would be angry you lived instead of her? Do you think she would want you to walk around with all those feelings?”
Sashi looked at Dr. Samuelson, then Cole. “This is going to be so hard.”
“Therapy is never easy, Sashi. But in time I promise it will get easier. So, go to the other chair.”
Sashi was angry. She grabbed her walker and placed it in front of her. If that ass wanted her to do it, then she would. She put her hands on both handles and began to lift herself up, but she found herself physically drained after sharing her feelings with “Kendra.” She fell back in the chair. “Damn.”
“Let me help her,” Cole said.
“No. She has to do this alone.”
Sashi reached deep within and summoned the energy. She grabbed onto those handles and lifted herself. Then she worked across the small space to the other chair. Such a space shouldn’t seem like such a far distance, but today it felt like an eighteen-hour practice session. She collapsed into the second chair.
She was panting but felt proud of herself for crossing the gap to Kendra. For that was exactly what it had been. A mental gap in her mind she hadn’t wanted to breach. But the doctor had made her do it.
“All right, Sashi. What would Kendra say to you?”
Sashi looked at the empty chair and saw an empty person. Her voice wobbled when she spoke. “Sashi, babe...what’s happened to you, sweetie? Where is my friend? I...I don’t see her anywhere. I heard what you said, but you know it’s all crap, right? I’ve always been taller and stronger than you. When have you ever stopped me from doing anything?
“Why would you blame yourself for what happened? I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t blame you for anything. I love you, babe. Always have, always will.” Sashi’s body began to shake as tears poured from her eyes.
“Sweetie, I’m glad you lived,” Kendra/Sashi went on. “You get a second chance at life. Live it. Go after your dreams. You’ve always dreamed bigger than anyone I’ve ever known and I’ve always been proud of you.” Sashi wiped away tears and looked at Dr. Samuelson, then at Cole, whose eyes were full of tears.
“Did you hear yourself, Sashi?” Dr. Samuelson asked her. “Did you hear your friend Kendra give you permission to forgive yourself?”
“Yes, I heard her. I know she would want me to move on, but it’s hard. I miss her so much. I feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. She was like a sister to me.”
“You’ll always miss her, and it’s okay to feel sad. But it’s not okay to feel guilty for her death. The same goes for you, Cole. This is a mantra I want both of you to take with you today. It’s okay to miss them, but not to feel guilty that they’re gone.”
“Okay,” Sashi whispered.
Cole looked at the doctor. “Does this mean I quote it to myself daily?” he asked.
“You quote it whenever you feel guilty about losing Luke. Today went very well, Sashi. Let’s look at a meeting next Wednesday. Does that work?”
“Yes,” she said. “My day’s are pretty well planned out.”
“That should be fine,” Cole said. “I’ll clear it with the E.R. desk. Thanks, Daniel.”
* * *
SASHI THUMPED INTO PHYSICAL therapy and checked in at the desk. “Hi, Debra, how are you today?”
“Good,” Debra replied. “Sashi, you’re handling those crutches really well. Take a seat and Mary will be right with you.”
Sashi gazed into the room she’d come to think of as a studio until she could begin dancing again. A lot of stationary bikes. Minitrampolines, bars and beds for patients to lie on were among the other kinds of equipment.
She saw Mary walking toward her. She thought, not for the first time, how beautiful Mary was with coffee-colored skin and long hair plaited tightly, showing off the lovely angles of her face.
“My favorite patient!” Mary declared. “My father is jealous of the time I spend with you. Good chance he’ll show up here sometime.”
Sashi smiled. She’d enjoyed many meals with Joe, Mary, Eric and Abigail—the very nature of Cole’s job kept him at work late or overnight and he wasn’t around for supper. At times Sashi feared she was an imposition to Joe’s family, but then she could see it hurt them when she tu
rned them down. “Tell Joe he can come anytime.”
Mary smiled, then sobered. “Today, Sashi, we’re going to work on your balance. I want you to stand on this low trampoline and bounce this ball back and forth against the wall.” She handed Sashi the ball.
Sashi looked at the trampoline and vowed she would master the task. Half an hour later Sashi was performing the assignment well, if not with the perfection she wanted. She knew that to others, her recovery was going very well. But she was a ballerina. Would she ever regain all her balance?
She took her frustration out on the ball, imagining every time she threw it at the wall that it was Freddy’s head. Once she was strong enough to go home, she was going to give him a piece of her mind. She realized there was no legal action she could take, but she had to face the coward. He had to be made to know that he was a big part of the reason Kendra died, and so horribly.
“Sashi, you amaze me,” Mary said at last. “Your drive and persistence are going to have you dancing before you know it. Let’s go and get you on the stationary bike for a while.”
With a new ease, Sashi grabbed her crutches and headed to the bike. It made her miss traditional road biking, but she tried to count it as a great blessing that she was moving at all. On the stationary bike, she pedaled away the pain, frustration and confusion over what to think about Cole. What was going on between them?
* * *
COLE ARRIVED EARLY AT the group therapy session. There were a few things he needed to go over before Sashi came in. He’d taken a quick shower, pulled on some jeans and a button-down shirt. It had been over twenty-fours since he’d seen Sashi and he wanted to look his best.
Daniel leaned back in his chair. “What did you want to talk to me about, Cole?”
The Alaskan Rescue Page 11