by Gabrielle G.
“I want to stay with Banarbas!” She cries harder.
“Okay, Lex, you can stay.” I send him a stern look for telling her what she can do without knowing what I want, but he raises his hands up as if to say to me he’s lost for words.
“Alexis, why are you saying you don’t want Barnabas to call you Belle?” I try once again.
“Because that’s his mommy!”
“Yes, and...?” I ask, fake smiling to my lovely, amazing, but insanely irritating daughter.
“And I don’t want to be his mommy! I want to be his daughter!”
And that’s how a four-year-old drops a mic and fucks up your life!
22
Barnabas
Most men will run for the hills hearing a four-year-old saying she wants them to be their dad.
But as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a dad. Maybe because mine is awesome or because I was born a nurturer, but children never scared me. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to marry Deb so fast that summer. I wanted to start a family. Granted, she was only twenty, but she was as ready as I was. We wanted to have kids while we were young and travel once we were older. But fate clearly had another plan for us, and the girl, as well as my ability to have kids, got ripped away from my future. So, hearing Alexis saying she wants to be my daughter, I want to say yes. I want to be her father and take care of her for the rest of my life. I love her more than anything in the world already, and if saying yes could assure me to be around my bundle of cuteness forever, I’ll sign with my own blood on the dotted line. But it’s not up to me after all. All week, I’ve done everything I could to get Avery’s attention, to show her I’m all in, but she didn’t give me anything in return. Every night, I hoped for her to come into my bed and give me her lips, but she never did, and I’m not sure she ever will.
“I’m not sure it’s up to me to decide, Lex. I’ll do anything for you. You know that, right?” Lex’s little fingers play with my hair, and I try to catch her eyes. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want her to think it’s because of her.
“It’s because you don’t love me?” Of course, she’d believe so, she’s four. In her mind, if you don’t want to play with her, it’s because you don’t like her. So, if I can’t be her dad…
“No, Lex, I’ll always love you like you’re my own.”
“So, it’s because you don’t love mommy? Some of my friends, their parents still love them, even if they don’t love each other.” Avery is looking everywhere but at me. I’m sure she wants to know the answer to that loaded question. Do I love her? Fuck if I know, but I’m willing to explore all the possibilities of us being together if she lets me. When I’m near her, I feel I can be myself. I can be me, entirely, wholly, and I don’t have to hide. It’s not always pretty, but it always ends up with a smile because her smart mouth, her beautiful mind, and her blue-feeling eyes always make me high.
“Because if you love her, you should kiss her,” Lex continues in her black and white logic.
“That’s not up to me either, Lex. If your mommy wants to kiss me, I think she knows she can.” I’m not even trying to get her attention anymore. It’s in the open now. I’m there for the long haul, and I’m there for them if Avery wants me to be. I just gave her my heart and my balls on the same platter, and neither of them really worked since the car accident, but they both belong to her from now on.
“Are we going to watch that movie, or are you going to bed?” I ask Lex, breaking the uncomfortable silence I can’t bear anymore. Avery is still looking at her chipped black nail polish, ignoring me, and Lex is trying to braid the strand of hair falling in my eyes and thinking.
“Can we watch the Little Mermaid instead?” Her beautiful brown eyes are full of tears, and it hurts me deep inside.
“Why, Bee?” Avery finally finds the use of her voice again. I stay focused on Lex.
“Because her daddy is mean to her, so it’s easier to watch.”
“You know, Lex, having a daddy doesn’t mean he’s always nice. My dad was pretty hard on me, still is, but when I call him, he’s there for me, always. And you can always call me, baby girl.” I catch Ave’s eyes, and they are blue-ashamed. I don’t want to know why, so I pretend not to see.
“I love you so much, Banarbas,” Lex says, shifting on my lap to get more comfortable so we can watch the movie. I reach for the remote, find the Little Mermaid and kiss the top of her head.
“I love you too, Lex.”
Prince Eric is about to save his dog when Lex slouches on me and starts to snore. Since the beginning of the movie, I’ve felt Avery’s eyes on us, but I haven’t given her any of my attention. I can’t show her that her indifference and embarrassment are hurting more than a fucking moose did in the middle of a road. I used to be the most confident guy around women. Whether they wanted me or not, I used to pride myself in always being the guy who walked away with my head held high or my hand in their panties. Even with Deb, if she wasn’t on my radar before I was on hers, I knew what she wanted the moment she laid eyes on me. But with Avery, I’m on my knees, begging for attention, for a sign, and she’s as cold as the Ice Princess.
“Whatever you decide after tonight. Ave, please don’t take her away from me,” I tell her, my eyes fixed on Ariel saving her prince from a mortal wave.
“I would never…” I shake my head for her to stop talking and look at her. Her eyes are blue-bullshit. “Of course, you would. You think she’s getting too attached to me, that me being in her life gives no room for Noah, that you should move out. You think we should just be like before, you and I ignoring each other and me helping out from time to time when your mother or mine can’t help out. I know it’s not fair to ask you that. I know I’m nothing to you and should be nothing to her, but, Ave, if you don’t want me in your life, it would be hard, but I can accept that, but I can’t be nothing to Lex.” My voice is strained with sadness, and I wish I could run upstairs and get high, but I also know I can’t hide behind weed when it comes to these two.
“Barn,” she touches my biceps, “it’s unfair to you and to her. What happens when you meet someone else, and you have children with her?” Her eyes are blue-pain. It’s not something she wants to feel, but it’s something she can’t stop thinking about.
“It won’t happen, Ave.” I take her hand in mine and kiss it. I’ve craved her touch all week, and now that she’s finally within reach, it’s to tell me to move on from something that didn’t even start. “Listen, I can’t understand what’s happening between us much more than you, but here are the things I know. When you touch me, I’m home. When I’m inside you, I live again. And when I kiss you, I’m bound to your soul, Ave. If you think I’ve ever felt that way for someone else before or I will ever feel that way for someone else, you’re wrong.”
Her cheeks redden, and it takes me all I can to remember Lex is still on my lap. I shift her on the couch, trying not to wake her up and face Ave.
“As for willing children with someone else. I’m going to tell you something now, and I’ll explain anything you want later, but I want you to know it before you decide to lock your lips on mine or walk away because it’s my last attempt to get you, sugar.” I cup her face with my hands and dive into her blue-inquiring eyes. “I can’t have children.” Her eyes change shades with all the emotions going through her mind; blue-pity, blue-incomprehension, blue-realization, blue-introspection. “If that’s a deal breaker, I get it. I believe we can adopt one day when we want other children, but I get it. Nevertheless, I’ll always be there for Lex, and for you too, because I don’t think I can feel the way I do around you and ever let you go, but if you don’t want me, I get it.” She wipes tears from the corners of her eyes, and they change color again. They are blue-determination, and it makes me smile. Nonetheless, I wait. I still want her to make the first move. I want her to show me that she wants me, that she’s in, even if it means her stomach will never be rounded by one of my children.
She leans closer, the
perfume of the shampoo I got her mixes with her natural scent, and my head gets dizzy by her proximity. Her shaky hand reaches for my cheek to caress my stubble. I turn my head and kiss the palm of it. She shivers and leaves my mouth for her fingers to disappear in my hair. When her hand finds the back of my head, she pulls me in and plants her lips on me. Her fingertips across my skin, her lips on mine, her tongue in my mouth have my heart hammering to get out of my chest, my head spinning from intoxication, and my dick high jumping like it’s in the cock Olympics. I deepen the kiss, willing to drink every drop of her that she’s ready to give me. I’m parched for everything Avery. I don’t even want to fuck her as long as her lips are on me. That’s not true, I want to fuck her, to punish her for doubting us, and to bind her to my bed, to my dick, and to my heart. She smiles against my lips, and I back away to kiss her nose.
“What, sugar?” She nods toward Lex who’s spread wide, her hair falling on her face like a happily snoring angel.
“I was hoping for a redo on the sofa, but…” Ave bites her lip, her skin flushing.
“No redo in the kitchen?” I wiggle my eyebrows before stealing a kiss. “You’re still gonna have to be quiet tonight if she’s asleep in the next room,” I say, jumping to my feet and scooping Lex up from the sofa to bring her to bed.
“Or maybe you’ll need to be quiet while I suck you off.” I stop in my tracks and turn to her.
“Have you ever sucked a pierced dick, sugar? Because the experience will be far less incredible for you than when I was inside you, but just thinking of your lips around my cock, I could already come in my pants.”
“Rule number six. No sex talking while you're carrying Alexis in your arms. It’s disturbingly turning me on.”
“Fuck the rules, Ave. I didn’t follow them when we were fake-dating, I’m certainly not gonna follow them now that we’re real-dating,” I say, climbing the stairs. I stop in the middle, trying to readjust my position.
“Your back?” she asks, concerned.
“No, my balls. Believe me when I say, my back doesn’t hurt when you’re around, but my balls... that’s something else.” I walk toward their bedroom and lay Lex on the bed, being careful that she’s comfortable and that the blanket covers her enough, so she won’t get cold in the night. When I turn around, Avery is looking at me, her eyes filled with admiration.
“What’s that look for?” I ask, bringing her closer to me, so I can nibble at her lower lip.
“You really love her.” Her voice is as sweet as cotton candy.
“I meant every word I said tonight, sugar. Even the ones about you sucking my dick.” I back her up to my bedroom, kissing her senseless, my hands on her hips, my dick already willing to find her wetness, wherever that will be. The back of her knees finally hit the bed, and she falls backward. Her red hair spreading on my white sheets like the warmth of the sunset on my skin.
“Are you really doing this with me, Ave?” She beckons me with her finger. Straddling her, I lower myself for our noses to touch and our eyes to connect.
“As long as you don’t walk out on me.” She rubs her nose against mine.
“As long as you don’t forget me.” I tumble us around, laughing, so she can be on top.
“You’re a lot of things, Barn, forgettable is not one of them,” she says before kissing me, and letting out a moan I’m pretty sure the whole town heard.
“Mommy?” We turn our heads toward the door to see Lex standing there with Fruit Roll-Ups in her hands. Avery gets off me in a hurry and rushes to the door.
“What are you doing up?”
“I don’t want you to forget to pay Banarbas if he lets you sleep with him. You remember, you need to give him those,” she says, handing her mom the snacks in one of her hands.
“What are the other ones for, Lex?” I ask, trying to suppress a laugh.
“Those are for my payment, to also sleep with you…”
“Hop on, baby girl, tonight is free,” I tell her, opening the bed so she can slip under the covers.
“Barn!” Avery chastises me. I shrug.
“I can’t refuse her anything, sugar. Get used to it. If she wants to sleep with us, she sleeps with us. We’ll get around doing what we wanted another time. Right, Lex?” She nods, already playing with my hair. “Now, what side do you both want to sleep on, because I can be in the middle if you both want to sleep with me.” I wink at Avery.
“I want Mommy in the middle,” Lex says. “It’s her first time cuddling you. She can have all of you tonight. You’ll see Mommy. Banarbas gives the best cuddles ever.” She giggles. Ave comes between us, and I spoon her, my dick resting asleep against her, knowing it isn’t the time to get hard with a child in the bed. And for the first time in forever, I drift asleep, happy to have blue balls and delighted to be soft. And after people say a leopard never changes its spots, they clearly never met an animal like me.
23
Avery
I woke up to a foot on my face, a hard dick to my ass, and a pit in my stomach.
“Alexis,” I mutter, moving her legs around, so her head hits the pillow instead of her legs. “Go back to your bed.” I know today is going to be hard. It's a bad day before I even get out of bed. Barnabas grinds his hips against me and cups one of my breasts with his hand.
“Morning, sugar.” He kisses the back of my neck and chills spread down my spine. Every night, Alexis finds her way to the bed Barnabas and I share, and every night, he tells me to let her sleep with us. Which is cute, kind of, but it puts a dent in the maddening sex I want to have with that man. We’re professional at quickies downstairs, but we still haven’t had the chance to do anything in a bed, and I’m frustrated as hell. Furthermore, today is the first time Noah is taking Alexis without me being around, and I’m happy to spend time with Barnabas, but I’m not sure I trust my ex enough to take care of her. Thank God Paulette will be with him, or I wouldn’t let him take her.
“I’m happy when stuck-up Ave stops for a visit, sugar. But, would you like me to help you relax, or are you going to stay in a pissy mood all day?”
“My bad mood has been there for a few years, Barnabas, so it seems that’s how I am now. Suck it up,” I growl.
“Breaking out the full name and being an ass. It’s time for me to cash in on rule four. I want my favor.” I turn to face him, getting kicked in the back by Alexis who is still asleep next to me in the process. Barn is sitting in bed, the sheet coming to his waist, his inked arms and chest on display.
“Believe me, I want you to cash in and fuck me, but how can we when you allow her to sleep with us every night?”
He smiles, amused by my annoyance. “Come here,” he says, patting at his scripted tattoo on his chest. I rest my head on it and start to trace the letters on the Latin quote I can’t understand.
“What does it mean?” It’s something I hate, asking about tattoos. I have a small sparrow between my thumb and index fingers, and the number of times someone has asked me what it meant to me, is maddening. Barn has a lot of tattoos, and I’ve never asked until now. I don’t need to know why he has a triangle with mountains in it or what the trees around one of his wrists mean, same for the constellation on his clavicle, the wedding date of his parents on his ribs, or the mandala owl on his shoulder. It’s what makes it him. But that sentence in Latin intrigues me more than it should. His fingers thread with mine to stop me from touching him.
“It tickles.” He kisses my forehead. “I’ll tell you if you go on a date with me this afternoon.”
“I don’t have time. The last wedding at the farm is coming up, and I can’t afford to not work on it.”
“How are reservations for the rest of the season? Is it okay not using the farm?”
“It is. You know, I understand now that I live here. I can’t imagine having people on the property every weekend.”
“With the ones coming for the adventure and the weddings, it was sure making for some busy times. Nevertheless, I hope we’ll get married
here.”
I tilt my head to look at him. “Married?”
“Well, I need to fuck you properly first without Lex sleeping next to us, but yeah, at some point, you, me, Lex, I would like us to be a family.”
“We’ve been dating for a week, Barn…”
“Yeah, well… when you know, you know. And since the first time I kissed you, I have no doubt you’re it, sugar. Now that date? You’re not going to do any work worrying about Lex being with dickwad. So, I’m calling in my favor, and the rules say you can’t refuse when I ask, so…”
“So, you're cashing in for a date?”
He nods. “A hike, a coffee, a fuck in bed. Deal?”
“Okay, but I’ll have to work tonight.”
“I’ll take care of Lex while you catch up tonight. No worries. And I won’t let her sleep with us either. And maybe tomorrow night, I can ask my mom to babysit, she could sleep over at the house, and I could make you scream for the whole state to hear.”
I’m devastated to see Alexis walk away, her mermaid bag on her back and a huge smile on her face. She likes Paulette a lot, so I guess I like Paulette too. She called this morning to ask if they could come to pick her up earlier to bring her to the Adirondack Animal Land. Who am I to crush the dream of my girl to see animals and go on a safari? Nevertheless, it’s not easy to see her climb in the car and send me a kiss through the window. Barnabas steps behind me and wraps his arms around me.
“Do you want me to start with my mouth or would you prefer my cock to fill you? There are so many things I want to do to you, I know I’m supposed to be sad for Lex not being with us today, but I want you spread on the bed and to fuck you senseless, sugar. I want to get the toys out, I want to push you to the brink of orgasm, blackout, and take more videos of us fucking,” he whispers in my ear.