‘Why?’ Mitch’s indignation was unexpectedly fierce.
‘Because he has to agree,’ she admitted, dismissing the skulking notion that Roy might refuse.
‘But he’s a criminal. In prison.’
‘He still has to send a Visiting Order, or you won’t be able to get in.’
‘Ok, so when’s he getting out?’
Tessa couldn’t help but meet Hugo’s eyes. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘So, like, is he going to be part of our life once he gets out?’
‘Maybe,’ said Tessa. ‘But hey, you might be living here by then, a Cambridge law student!’
Mitch fell silent, and Tessa was grateful to Hugo for following her lead in trying to change the subject. Mitch submitted to their questions about his speedy tour of the various colleges, offering only a subdued account of what he had seen. On the journey back to Felixham, it was clear that his preoccupation with this unwelcome information dominated all their thoughts.
As they came off the train into the station car park, Hugo went to open Tessa’s car door for her. ‘Are you any happier, Tessa?’ he asked softly. ‘Now that you know him?’
She looked for some stabbing irony behind his words, but there was none. The gentleness of his concern made her feel shabby, as did Mitch’s perplexed silence on the short drive home.
THIRTY
Tessa turned off her computer and stood a moment, running through her mental checklist before leaving the house. Her heart sank when she heard a key in the lock and dropped even lower when she heard the front door open and before it even shut again Lauren already calling, ‘Mum?’
Tessa went into the hallway. ‘What are you doing home from school?’ Seeing her daughter’s hot and tear-stained face, she went to place a hand on her forehead. ‘Are you not well, sweetheart?’
‘Miss Hughes wouldn’t let me swim!’
‘Is it your period?’
‘No. She said I need a new swimsuit.’
‘Why? We only bought it at the start of last term.’ Lauren hung her head, mumbling: ‘It doesn’t fit any more.’
‘You can’t have grown out of it already!’
‘It’s not my fault!’ cried Lauren, her cheeks reddening.
Tessa looked at her watch, in no mood for mercy. ‘How tight is it?’ she asked. ‘If you could just slim down a little, maybe you could make it last the summer at least? Cut out some of the chocolate and crisps?’
Lauren glared at her, starting to well up again. ‘You’re the one who gives them to me!’
‘Ok, Ok. But you could say no. Take an apple instead.’
Lauren pushed past her and thumped upstairs. Tessa was furious. She knew Lauren was right: every morning she caved in to her daughter’s demands to put both crisps and a chocolate bar in her packed lunch because it was easier than starting every day with a scene. But if she didn’t leave now, she’d forfeit her place in the queue for visits, and, despite the arduous journey to Wayleigh Heath, end up seeing Roy for only an hour. She regretted her sharp words, yet was it honestly too much to ask for a single afternoon when she could do something for herself?
She made her way reluctantly up to Lauren’s bedroom. Her daughter was curled up on the bed, still sniffling. Tessa sat beside her, placing a consoling hand on her hip. ‘Come on, sweetheart. It’s not so bad as all that.’
‘You think I’m fat.’
Tessa tried some humour. ‘Well …’ She gave Lauren’s hip a playful squeeze, but Lauren whipped around, sitting up and tucking her knees under her chin, staring at her with a mixture of grief and accusation that Tessa wished she could dispel with a wave of a magic wand. If only she could still evoke the simple faith of the toddler and kiss it better. ‘It’s just puppy fat,’ she said. ‘You’ll soon grow out of it. But maybe we should plan so you eat more healthily. What do you say?’
‘No one likes me. I’ll never get a boyfriend.’
‘Yes, you will, sweetheart.’
‘People think I’m sad. I have to eat lunch on my own.’
‘Are things Ok at Dad’s? You know you can always talk to me. Is this about Nula?’ Tessa spoke gently, while wishing fervently that it would all come tumbling out – how much her children hated Nula and had been miserable since Sam had taken up with her.
‘No. She’s great. She said I was brilliant at the opening party, and they’d pay me if I want to help out there over the holidays.’
Tessa rose from the bed and busied herself folding a pair of discarded pyjama bottoms. ‘We’ll have to see about that.’
Lauren shot her a look of pure hatred. ‘You think I’m useless!’
Shocked, Tessa tried to backtrack. ‘Of course I don’t, sweetheart. I just think Nula should ask me before promising you things.’ She looked at her watch again. ‘What about your afternoon lessons? You should go back, shouldn’t you?’
‘It’s the swimming gala. Can’t I stay with you? Just once. You can give me a note. We can plan my new diet!’
‘I can’t today, sweetheart. I have to be somewhere.’
‘Where? Can I come with you?’
‘It wouldn’t work out.’ Since Mitch had found about Roy he had maintained a meticulous detachment that Tessa found intimidating; it made her resist being bounced into telling Lauren.
‘Then I’ll go over to Dad’s. Maybe I can help Nula.’ Lauren’s look of triumph made Tessa’s heart sink. She only wanted the best for her kids, but they seemed determined to thwart and upset her. She longed for the security of the visits room, to be cocooned at a table alone with Roy.
‘Go, then,’ she told Lauren, rising to her feet. ‘I’ll see you later.’
The traffic on the long drive was slow, with caravans heading for the coast and tourists, unsure which turning to take, jamming on their brakes at every junction. At a roundabout Tessa leaned on her horn when the elderly couple she’d been stuck behind for miles missed chance after chance to pull out into the heavy traffic. Her impatience backfired, as the flustered driver dithered even longer. She knew she shouldn’t let herself get so worked up, but she was anxious in case Roy should be offended by her lateness and assume she didn’t care enough to be on time. She had phoned, but doubted the officer to whom she’d spoken would pass on her frantic apology.
She was an hour late when she finally pulled into the car park beside the prison, grabbed her bag and ran across to the Visitors’ Centre. She dreaded the way Roy’s powerlessness would be exposed by her delay and wondered what she could do or say to restore his dignity. She felt outraged at Lauren on his behalf. It must be terrible for all the men in there to be at the mercy of an outside world over which they had no control, to be so cut off and alone with their wounded feelings. It still unnerved her how little she knew of Roy’s life beyond the guarded door through which the inmates in their drab tracksuits came and went, how helpless she was to reach after him and make amends.
She was in the very last group to be called across, relieved to escape the Visitors’ Centre at last. She’d sat opposite a young mother with a rowdy little boy. When she gave him a hard shake to make him behave, his sister had shot their mother a reproachful look, and in retaliation the mother had hissed in the girl’s ear while the child stared back at her with dull rancour. The family group stood before Tessa now, waiting for the electronic door to the transparent holding pen to swoosh open, and both children leaned in against their mother as if for shelter. Tessa supposed Lauren must feel a similar mixture of love and rancour towards her.
Released into the open space of the visits room, the two kids ran straight to the play area, obviously at home with both the rules and the geography of the place, while their mother, her tongue straight in his mouth and her hand on his crotch, greeted a muscular young black guy who was unlikely to have fathered either child. The red-haired officer, whom Tessa recognised from her last visit, called out to them, telling the inmate to sit down, and for them to keep their hands on the table, in view of the cameras.
Tessa, griml
y amused, took her seat opposite Roy at the table. She realised he’d been observing her because he indicated the couple and said: ‘He’s a drug dealer. I bet she only bothers because she reckons he’s got cash stashed away.’ He nodded towards the play area. ‘Doesn’t say much for her that she drags them along to a place like this. It’s always the kids who suffer, like that little boy.’
He sounded flat and pessimistic, almost bored, and she wondered if it were a mask for despondency. ‘I am so sorry I was late,’ she told him.
‘If you don’t want to come any more, Tessa, then just say so.’
‘I couldn’t help it. Lauren came home unexpectedly. She was upset. And I had to deal with her.’ She heard herself gabbling. ‘In the end I sent her to her father’s. Let him take responsibility for once!’
Roy sat back, unbending slightly. ‘I thought perhaps you weren’t coming at all, was afraid you’d had an accident or something.’
‘Oh, no, I’m sorry. It was just traffic. And thank you so much for this!’ She held out her wrist to show off her bracelet, hoping to distract him. ‘I love it! And my birthday card. I thought of you as I blew out my candles.’ She was relieved when finally he relented and gave her a tiny smile.
‘I wish I’d been there,’ he said gravely.
‘However did you manage to find such a perfect card?’ she enthused. ‘Is there a shop or something here?’
‘No. I found it online, then asked an officer to get it for me.’
‘And he did? That was kind.’
‘That’s her. Janice.’ He nodded towards the raised plat-form where the only female officer was the red-headed woman. Tessa’s eyes met hers and Tessa gave a friendly smile, but the woman looked away with what Tessa took to be professional disinterest.
‘I handed in a few more photos,’ Tessa said. ‘Of my childhood.’
He nodded. ‘The ones you left last time – I never got them.’
‘What?’
‘That’s what this place is like, I’m afraid. You could put in an official complaint, but it’ll be a waste of time.’ He sounded bored again, making her panicky, though she wasn’t quite sure why. ‘The bureaucracy here constantly fucks up,’ he went on, ‘but it’s useless expecting them to admit to any kind of mistake.’
‘Roy, I really am sorry I was late. I was so looking forward to seeing you!’ He said nothing, so she reached out to touch his hand. ‘Are you Ok?’
‘While I was waiting, I couldn’t stop thinking that there are things a father wants to say to his beautiful daughter.’ He sighed. ‘Things he should be saying as they stroll along a beach together or snatch a coffee at a street cafe in Rome. Not in a place like this.’
The bravery with which he spoke was enough to break her heart, and she felt guilty that she didn’t mind being here the way he did, that she liked being so far away from the rest of her life.
‘You need to put yourself first more,’ he said. ‘Sounds like you’re too soft on your kids.’
‘Sometimes,’ she admitted, pushing from her the certainty of Lauren’s unhappiness.
‘Your family have to respect your needs too. You mustn’t let them hold you back.’
‘They don’t,’ she protested. ‘Not really. Things haven’t been easy. I’ve had a lot to think about recently.’
‘I hope I’m not adding to your problems?’ asked Roy.
‘No, of course not.’
Recalling Hugo’s suggestion that they should all meet, Tessa tried and failed to imagine introducing the two men, or having Mitch and Lauren sit here with her at this table. A single glance around the room conveyed how little prospect there was of harmonising the two divided aspects of herself.
‘So what stops Sam stepping up as a dad?’ asked Roy. ‘What’s his problem?’
Bewildered by the sudden turn, Tessa blurted out her answer without thinking. ‘He’s hopeless. Always has been.’
‘Then you’re better off without him. Aren’t you?’
As Tessa reeled at the novel thought, Roy sat back, regarding her shrewdly.
‘I’m going to make you a promise, Tessa,’ he said. ‘I will always tell you the truth. You may not like it, but I reckon you can take it. You’re strong, like me. Not afraid to accept who you really are.’
Tessa sat very still, rapt by his attention.
‘You’ll never be the fabulous woman you ought to be if you settle for half-truths, for the kind of pap your adoptive parents have fed you all your life. You mustn’t be afraid.’
‘I’m not!’
‘Honestly?’ Roy ran his gaze around the room. ‘Look,’ he ordered. ‘Fear’s real. These men know that. I know it. Don’t pretend it’s not.’
Tessa nodded. ‘I’m beginning to understand.’
‘If there’s no fear, there’s no true love. The two belong together, don’t you think?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Were you ever in love with Sam?’
She gasped, looked up to meet Roy’s teasing gaze, and found herself unable to answer.
He laughed. ‘I’ll take that as a “no”.’ He stretched across to pat her hand before his expression became serious again. ‘I don’t believe you were,’ he continued. ‘Not if he’s the man you’ve described in your letters. You could never truly love a weak man.’
Tessa tried to remember what she had written, whether she might have unwittingly revealed Sam’s failings. ‘He’s gentle rather than weak,’ she objected. ‘Easy-going. I did love him. We were happy together for a long time.’
‘Maybe you’ve not experienced real love yet.’
Tessa opened her mouth to protest, but then found the idea too intriguing to quash until she had explored it further.
‘Think about it,’ instructed Roy. ‘You may surprise yourself.’
‘Ok, I will,’ she promised. ‘Thank you. But now I feel terrible, turning up late, then dumping all my troubles on you. And I haven’t even offered to fetch a cup of tea!’
‘Don’t talk like that,’ he said. ‘You’re no trouble to me. Stop putting yourself down.’
Tessa blushed. ‘Ok. But would you like some tea?’
Roy glanced up at the clock. ‘Not enough time,’ he said. ‘Have you ever been to Rome?’
The second swift change of topic was so unexpected that Tessa laughed, suddenly lighter than she had felt for ages. ‘No, never.’
‘The city of architects. I hope to take you there one day.’
‘I’d like that very much.’
‘There’s an architectural prize to study in Rome. I should’ve won it when I was a student. We’ll sit in pavement cafes and drink espresso together. No one need even know we’re father and daughter – they’ll think we’re lovers. It’ll be wonderful! I’ll show you everything. You don’t know what you’ve missed!’
Tessa was pleased, not only at his delight in this harmless escapism but also at the exciting notion that, with him, she would find so much still to unravel, so much more to explore and understand about herself. Although she would hardly have chosen a convicted murderer as her guide, the enticing prospect of discovering what sort of hidden capabilities she might possess, what other possibilities lay in store, was liberating. She wanted to explain herself to him, to make him understand the vital role he already played in her life. ‘Since I found out about you,’ she began, forgetting that she had let him assume she had always known she was adopted, ‘it’s like I see my whole childhood in a new light, as if, even though I could never know what was missing, I’d always been lonely for my own kin.’
Roy smiled to himself, nodding sagely.
Tessa glanced up at the clock: only ten minutes to go. ‘Please tell me more about your family.’
‘Not much of the past I want to hang on to, I’m afraid.’ He spent a moment lining up the edges of the table. ‘My father died when I was eleven. Left us with my mother, who was an alcoholic. She died of liver failure years ago.’
‘You told me you didn’t go to her funeral.’
He shook his head. ‘I’ve an older sister, Shirley. She turned her back on me when all this happened.’
‘No! That’s dreadful!’
‘I don’t blame her.’
‘Why not? How could she just abandon you?’
‘We both had a hard time as kids. Shirley learnt to be totally merciless.’ He sat back and Tessa tried to imagine the reality behind his words. ‘Even though Mum took it out more on me than her,’ he went on. ‘Mum hated men. I don’t know if you’ve ever had much to do with addicts, but they’re not exactly easy to live with. Ends up with everyone for themselves, just to survive. Shirley managed the best way she could.’
Tessa’s heart was thumping at the temptation to ask him about Pamela’s drinking: surely it wouldn’t be disloyal to benefit from his sympathetic insight? But there was so little time left before the bell rang, and she wanted to hear more about his childhood.
‘Is it possible your sister might regret things now?’ she asked, envisaging a healing role for herself. ‘Might even be glad to hear from you again?’
Roy looked at her, his expression as opaque as a rough winter sea, and gave a twisted smile. ‘You don’t know what she’s like.’
‘But maybe my existence could open the way? I am her niece, after all.’
‘Don’t bother!’ Roy laughed in contempt. ‘I don’t like saying it, but she’s a cold-hearted bitch. Wouldn’t want to know.’
Tessa shook her head in sadness. ‘Why are families always so difficult?’
‘See that guy over there?’ Roy indicated with a nod of his head an angelic-looking young man with a mop of curly blonde hair sitting at a nearby table with an older woman. ‘Last time he was up for parole he was knocked back because his girlfriend, mother of his kids, told him to get lost. So he’s serving another two years. Having a stable home cuts a lot of ice with the parole board.’
‘Is that not his mother?’ asked Tessa, eyeing the comfortable-looking woman toying with a biscuit wrapper on the table.
‘Yes. But his stepfather refuses point-blank to have him in the house. That’s family for you.’
Tessa looked at the young man, earnestly discussing something with his mother, and couldn’t help pitying them both. Then the realisation dawned that maybe Roy was tactfully approaching the question of how she might eventually feel about welcoming him into her home.
The Bad Mother Page 18