What am I thinking? Vic and I were separated in age by more than a decade. It would already be hard to connect if we were normal, and we weren’t normal. We had about zero point zero things in common. Lennox said some nice sounding things, but I just had to accept that family wasn’t in the cards for me.
Thunder boomed as I placed my napkin on the table, making the whole ordeal feel a bit more dramatic than it was. My lobster was woefully unfinished, but I couldn’t take it any longer. With thunder and lightning as my accomplices, I stood to leave.
“This was a mistake. Thank you for dinner, Lennox.”
“No wait!” Lennox grabbed my arm. “You’ll still come to the baby shower, right?”
“I…” The question caught me off guard. Couldn’t she see what a disaster this was? My manners got in the way of my sense though. “Of course, thank you.”
Vic continued eating as I left. He hadn’t been bothered by Zeus having a hissy fit around him, so of course he wasn’t bothered that I left.
I was nearing the parking lot, thinking about catching a bus in the rain, when I heard my name being called.
“Grace! Grace wait!” I turned around to see Lennox chasing after me frantically. It was all very surreal, the rain pouring around us, Lennox running. I felt like a character in one of the many books I’d read. “What’s wrong?”
Lennox shook her head. “Nothing is wrong, I just wanted to give you something.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a key. “This is a key to our apartment.”
I raised my eyebrow, not understanding.
“Vic and I wanted to give it to you so you know you’re welcome any time at our house. No more knocking.”
I stifled a laugh. Was she serious? After that dinner, I knew without a doubt Vic wanted nothing to do with me. My mouth opened in protest but she was too quick. She grabbed my palm and placed the small, shiny gold object in my hand. I looked at it like it was a spider about to bite me.
“I’m serious, Grace.” A beat passed between us, no words being said, and then Lennox glanced up. “Oh shit, it’s really pouring out here, isn’t it? I better get back before Vic assumes I drowned. Are you good to get home? Do you need a ride?”
“I’m okay but this key—”
“Don’t say another word. You’re family.” Lennox turned around and sprinted back to the restaurant, her body disappearing like a ghost in the rain.
It was only a little after evening, but with the injured, angry sky and my injured, angry heart, I was ready to crawl into bed and never wake up. I didn’t care that it was pouring and I was getting soaked as I walked up the few stairs to the apartment. I didn’t care that it took me five tries to get the key in the lock or that the rain pelted me as I tried. I welcomed it. I welcomed the water. It felt cleansing.
I dripped all over the nice, light wood floors. As I placed my keys on the counter, I dripped on them too. I felt like my soul was leaking, like finally it had filled up too much and burst.
One key remained with me: the key Lennox had given me. I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t feel right adding it to my keychain; that would be acknowledging that it belonged there, that it belonged with me. At the same time I didn’t feel right throwing it away. So, it remained in key limbo, a weight in my pocket heavier than the key itself.
In my self-pity I guess I didn’t pay attention to what room I was going into. I pushed open what I thought was my room, prepared to fall into my bed. I didn’t care if I was still wet; I just wanted to disappear.
Naked.
Naked and doing things. In the brief seconds that I was stunned to the floor, wondering what the heck was going on in my room and why it was going on, I saw a very naked Vera, touching herself, moaning, and doing some very creative things with a phallic shaped object.
Then I realized I didn’t own a colorful bedspread or a purple lamp.
“I’m sorry!” I covered my eyes and ran out of the room. With my eyes still covered, I ran into the couch and then into the kitchen counter. I was like a chicken with no head. “I’m so sorry!” I yelled again, my eyes still covered.
“Grace!” I heard Vera’s voice behind me, but I kept my eyes closed.
“Vera, I’m so sorry!” I refused to uncover my eyes. I felt like such a sneak.
“Grace, for the love of god just lower your hands. I promise I’m not naked anymore.”
I unpeeled my hands from my face. Vera stood in front of me, butt naked. “You liar!” I covered my eyes again. I heard her laughter fade away with her footfalls.
I stood in the same spot, wet, with my hands over my eyes. Even as Vera’s footfalls returned, I stayed motionless like a statue.
“Okay, I’m really not naked any more.”
“I don’t believe you,” I muttered through my hands.
“I had to run out and catch you before I could put something on! You looked like you saw a ghost or something. It’s nothing you’ve never seen before.”
I guffawed, hands still over my eyes. “I’ve never seen that.”
I felt Vera’s cool hands gently removing them from my face. I held them firm. Eventually she gave up.
“Calm down. Have you really never seen that? Don’t you watch porn? Or, you know, do it yourself?”
I swallowed. Did I watch porn? Did I touch myself?
No.
“Remember how I said I had a job in the works?”
I squinted, opening my fingers like blinds. I peeked through them and saw she was wearing clothes, so I slowly started lowering my hands. “Yes.”
Vera shrugged, smiling. “You just walked in on it.”
I lowered my hands all the way. “What?”
“I’m a cam girl,” Vera explained.
I opened and closed my mouth, feeling like a fish out of water. “What?”
“I get naked online and people pay to watch.”
I walked over to the couch and sat down. I knew my wet body was going to get the thing soaked, but this was too much to take standing. After a few minutes of staring at the black television, I turned to Vera. “So porn?”
Vera laughed. “It’s a bit different, but okay.”
I rubbed my temples. “This is too much.”
“Can we talk about it?”
I put my hands out, stopping Vera from approaching. “Let me put some dry clothes on at least.”
I felt bad. I could see Vera’s face drop. From the little time I’d spent with Vera, I’d learned she wasn’t used to rejection. Vera was an enigma. From the outside she appeared to be a firecracker filled with confidence, but in reality she needed validation and feared rejection from those close to her more than anyone.
I sighed. “Vera, come to my room in a few minutes. I just don’t wanna catch my death.”
Now that I was in dry clothes, I was ready to talk with Vera. I called her into my room, knees pulled up to my chin for protection. I really didn’t want to talk about what I’d seen.
Vera dove right in. “So, you’ve never touched yourself?”
I coughed, choking on spit and incredulity. “Excuse me?”
“I said,” Vera repeated, giving me a look like I was the crazy one. “You’ve never touched yourself? Ever?”
I shook my head. “I just never wanted to.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute,” Vera said, sipping the tea she’d made while I was putting on my pajama-armor. She handed me a cup and I took it, thankful to have something warm to grasp. “You tellin’ me you never had a dream? Like the kind that makes you feel good?”
I sucked in my cheeks, thinking about Vera’s question. I knew what she was talking about. I’d had dreams that made me feel really good. They were usually about Eli, but sometimes they were about amalgams of men that didn’t exist.
When they were about Eli I felt less bad, but still not good. When they weren’t about anyone, when I just woke up feeling that good feeling between my thighs, I felt awful. I wasn’t supposed to feel like that. Good girls didn’t feel lik
e that.
That’s what I’d been taught.
Now I knew what I’d been taught wasn’t right. I knew Daddy wasn’t a good man. Still, I couldn’t get into that. I mean, I simply didn’t know up from down since I’d been taught down was up over and over and over again, and if I ever questioned it, was hit upside the head. I liked to think I was starting to figure the right things out, though. I looked at Vera, who was still waiting for an answer.
“Yeah, I guess,” I conceded, feeling uncomfortable. I added quickly, “But that doesn’t count.”
“Well duh,” Vera said, shifting on the bed so her legs were crossed. “But that’s what you could feel. You can’t tell me that doesn’t feel good and that you wouldn’t want to feel that.”
“Yes I can,” I said, defiantly. “I don’t want to feel that.”
Vera whistled. “Someone done a number on you girl.”
I frowned, looking at the shadows in the water of my unfinished tea.
“Well look, then,” Vera said, grabbing my shoulder. “I’m sorry you saw that. It must have been a shock.”
I shrugged her off. “I’m fine.”
“I like what I do and I’m not ashamed of it, Grace. If you ever want to talk, my door’s open.”
I sipped my tea in response.
THREE YEARS BEFORE
Zero moved into our town like a plague. It happened so fast no one saw it coming, and by the time we did it was too late to do anything. The trees were withered, the people were infected, and our streets were all marked by him.
“This is a bad idea, Eli,” I whispered as we approached the warehouse just outside of town. Our town was rarely busy past five. It was the kind of place where you could lie down in the middle of the road and not worry about getting run over. At times it seemed like a ghost town.
The farther you walked from the center, the more true that seemed. I looked around me at the yellow grass and dirt spots that seemed to stretch for miles. It was nearing seven in the evening now, but it felt like the middle of the night.
I tugged on Eli’s arm. “You’re better than this. You’re meant for more than this.”
“Really, Grace, am I?” Eli snapped. “Because right now I’m staring down the barrel of a nine to nine job that will let me rent a tiny house with a lot of problems and gimme a bunch of kids I don’t want. Zero is giving me a different option. A way out.”
I swallowed. His words had slapped me harder than the back of Daddy's hand. Was that how he saw our future together? When I pictured us together I didn’t see this town. I saw us getting out and away, but if we did get stuck…well, it wouldn’t feel like being stuck. With Eli I felt free. I always had.
I guess that wasn’t how he felt, though.
I dropped my clutch from his arm. “What about school?”
“What about it?” Eli barely regarded me next to him. His gaze was fixed on the lone warehouse in front of us. It was the only standing structure left. “Colleges don’t want black kids from small towns.”
“You’re a great student who has a lot to offer,” I said. “Stop doing that.”
“Doing what?” Eli scoffed. “Telling the truth?”
“No, you’re…” I searched for the right words, something to make Eli see just how amazing he really was, how I saw him. “You’re acting like you’re worth less somehow. You’re worth more than this whole state.”
“Maybe to you,” Eli muttered. He walked away, leaving me in the empty field to stare at his back as he walked into the looming warehouse.
As Zero explained what we’d be doing for him that day, my mind wandered to how he’d come to our town. I’d heard a lot of rumors about where he’d come from. Some said he came by way of Louisiana, others said he came up from Mexico, but I didn’t believe that. Zero was whiter than bone and couldn’t speak a lick of Spanish. The few Mexicans in town had tested the Mexico theory on Zero once by asking him a question in Spanish and he’d responded with a bunch of curse words, calling them names I don’t want to repeat.
I wished Zero stayed in the warehouse, but he infested the whole town. Everyone knew him and his name. He hung outside the corner store, making me not want to go inside any more. He loitered outside the movie theatre. He kicked cans up and down main street. No one did anything about him though, cause they were all getting something from him or owed something to him.
There were weeks when Zero would disappear. Theories about that surfaced, too. Some people said he was going back to Mexico. Even though he couldn’t speak any Spanish, the Mexico theory was still a popular one. Others thought he was going back to where he’d come from for good and might leave us alone. I knew better than that. Zero always returned.
No one could remember the exact day he showed up. Like summer storms, one day it was drizzling and the next it was pouring Zero. The town was flooded by him.
“This is my meth,” Zero said, his emphasis bringing me back to the present. “Understand, fuckers? This is my meth. Meaning if you take it, lose it, or use it, you become mine.” I stared blankly back at him. He was holding a small baggy of something crystal looking, acting like it was gold. I didn’t get what the big deal was, but everyone else was acting like it was something huge, so I played along.
“I know ya’ll thought I was gonna letcha sell tonight, but if you think I’m lettin’ you off this lot with my product the first day then you must think I’m some kinda fuckin’ idiot.” A noise escaped Zero’s mouth that I only realized was a laugh when the rest of the room started laughing awkwardly along. At first I’d thought he was having some kinda fit, but no, it was a laugh.
Eli and I lived in a small town so I expected to see some recognizable faces, but I didn’t know anyone else in the warehouse; it made me wonder if Zero had picked the people up from other towns. Probably cause there’s only so many people you can sell to and have selling for you.
“Some a ya are here cause you owe me. Do a good job, you won’t just owe me, but you’ll live a life you can’t even dream of.” Excited murmurs broke out among the others.
“What’s the big deal?” I whispered to Eli.
“Hush, Bug,” Eli hissed, his eyes still trained on Zero.
I frowned, folding my arms. I didn’t like this one bit.
Zero’s “orientation” lasted well into the night. What a waste of a beating. If I’d known that Eli was going to drag me to that, I would have stayed home and avoided the extra bruises. Earlier that week, at the sugar maple tree, Eli had told me he had a surprise for me that Friday.
“What?” I asked, excited.
“I’ve discovered an opportunity that can change our lives,” Eli replied, a mysterious grin on his face.
I looked at him skeptically. Change our lives? That sounded like fairytales. I’d read enough fairytales to know they either didn’t exist, or ended grimly. “What kind of opportunity?” I needled.
“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
“I don’t like the sound of that, Eli,” I replied, shaking my head.
“Trust me, Bug,” Eli exclaimed, gripping my hands. “It could mean getting out of here. It could mean living free!” He was so excited. He pulled me up and into him, kissing me fiercely. Then he started laughing. I laughed with him, completely forgetting my fear.
I met up with him at our spot on Friday. Of all the things I’d imagined it could be over the week, I’d never imagined he had hooked up with Zero. We discussed Zero often. We discussed what he was doing to our town and how people were becoming meth zombies. Now he wanted to join him?
“I can’t do this,” I said, now that we were back to town. I got out of the truck and slammed the door shut. “If you want to throw your life away, fine. But I—”
“You’re gonna go back to the daddy that beats you?” Eli interrupted, slamming his own door shut. “The mama that doesn’t stop it?
I ground my teeth, taking a minute to get my words fixed in my head. When I spoke, it sounded cold, but it was only because there were so ma
ny emotions swirling around in my chest that I had to stamp them all down.
“I don’t even know who you are right now, Eli Jackson, but you sure aren’t the boy I fell in love with.”
I didn’t let him walk me back to the sugar maple tree that night. I spun around after I replied and brusquely walked off, tears already spilling from my lids.
It was the only day in my and Eli’s history that I didn’t want to go to our sugar maple tree. Then again, it was the only day in our history that we’d had a fight. Our first fight. I sat in my small ground floor room, staring at the slats above that showed me a little of the upstairs I wasn’t allowed to explore. Sighing, I got up and snuck out. Even fighting, Eli was still my freedom.
I approached the maple tree, wondering if Eli would be there. Would he still feel the same way about me, even though we’d fought? I saw the outline of his body sitting against the large tree. Each year it grew bigger.
Eli rushed to me, grabbing my hands before I could get a word out. “I’m so sorry, Bug. I should have told you.”
I took my hands from him. “Are you gonna stop working for Zero?”
Eli narrowed his eyes. “It’s not that simple.”
Folding my arms, I regarded Eli. “Seems pretty simple to me.”
“You have your skeletons and I love you despite them. Can’t you love my skeletons?”
His question caught me off guard. Eli stood about a foot away from me, watching me intently. Head bowed and eyebrow cocked, he waited for me to reply. The scary thing about our love was that it was impenetrable. I would love Eli even if he was lighting me on fire. Still…“I didn’t get to choose my skeletons, Eli. You’re choosin’ Zero.”
“So you’re leavin’ me?” Eli asked, pain wrinkling his skin.
“Of course not…” I said. “I just don’t understand.”
“Understand this: Zero’s promising us a life, not just me but both of us. He’s promising a life beyond this town. Beyond your daddy and beyond the people that whisper nigger-lover behind your back.”
Let Me Go (Owned Book 2) Page 6