“I don’t see how that has anything to do with you taking your pills.”
“Of course you don’t. Because the world revolves around Vic Wall.”
“I never said it did, Lennox Moore.”
“You know what? Fuck this and fuck you.”
“Fuck you, Lennox.”
I heard footsteps, but through the wood couldn’t tell which direction they went. Maybe I could knock now, but I couldn’t move. Whatever happened in that house had sandblasted me to the spot. I stood frozen, my hand curled to knock.
The door opened with such force the air caused my hair to move. Eyes red and puffy from crying, Lennox opened her mouth in shock upon seeing me. It took only a moment before she regained her composure and smiled.
“We have to stop meeting like this, darling.”
Lennox and I returned to the restaurant where we’d first gone out. All the pretense of our first dinner was gone, though. Awkwardness had dissipated and in its place was an emotionally drained understanding. Both of us were broken and weary and in desperate need of french fries.
“If you’re not up to this…” I said, alluding to her fight with Vic.
“Look,” Lennox said, head resting on her hand. “You obviously heard everything.”
“Not everything…” But I had heard a great deal more than I would have liked.
“Do you have questions?” I picked at my basket of fries, mulling over her question. I had questions all right. Big, loaded questions that I didn’t feel comfortable asking. Lennox held a smile on her face, but it looked odd in combination with her red, teary eyes.
I shrugged. “Not really.”
Lennox laughed. “Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?” I coughed.
“You don’t have any questions?” Lennox took a bite out of her hamburger, wiping sauce off her cheek with her hand. “You feel like you know everything there is to know about your brother? About me? Us?”
“I feel like I have no right to ask those questions.”
Lennox laughed. “You’re too polite for your own good.” Lennox took another thoughtful bite of her hamburger and washed it down with some whisky. “So tell me, why were you coming to the apartment?”
Well, there’s the question. No way to avoid it now. I watched Lennox, eyes red and drinking whisky like it was water. She was not in a good state. Should I really tell her why I came? I pushed around my french fries, trying to think of a way to get out of it.
“That bad?” Lennox asked.
“My mom died,” I said, still pushing the fries around. “Our mom died. Mine and Vic’s.”
Lennox put down her drink. “Shit, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know how I feel. I know I feel something, but I’m not sure what it is…” I drifted off, thinking about the emotion hiding behind my organs. I could feel its presence, but I couldn’t quite get to it. It was like a nymph hiding behind rocks.
I shook the feeling off, deciding to play hide and seek later, and turned back to Lennox. “Anyway, that’s why I came to find ya. I was looking to tell Vic. I know he left a while ago and hasn’t looked back, but I figured I should tell him. After talkin’ with ya, I’m not so sure.”
“He’s going to act like he doesn’t care and that he’s moved on,” Lennox said, a hint of annoyance in her voice. She let out a breath before continuing. “But it’s his mom. So he does care. I saw the way he reacted when she called to let him know your dad died.”
“Wait, she called to tell him?” That was news to me.
Lennox nodded slowly, not understanding my fervor. I’d been under the impression that Mama didn’t have any contact with Vic. Maybe she just didn’t want Daddy to know. I was really curious as to what she had talked to him about. Had she told him about me?
Lennox nodded. “A couple months before you arrived. She wasn’t very nice about it though, according to Vic.”
“I had no idea,” I said, completely bewildered.
Lennox laughed bitterly, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me. “Of course you wouldn’t. Vic never tells anyone anything they don’t need to know.” Lennox reached out and took one of my fries. “So you got a funeral planned?”
“I hadn’t even thought about it.” All I could focus on was getting out to Georgia.
Lennox nodded. “Well I’m here if you need help. We all are. Even Vic.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“He is. Even if he doesn’t do a good job of showing it.” Lennox stared at her whisky, her eyes betraying her. As I got to know Lennox, I saw that she was good at pretending to be unperturbed. She pretended that cyclones were nothing more than dust devils. Inside, though, she was being torn up.
“He’s a beautiful man,” Lennox said to me, looking up from her whisky. “He can be a right asshole sometimes, but he’s the only one who’s ever loved all of me. He loves deeply and uncontrollably and without thought to his own wellbeing. People like that don’t come around often.”
Not sure what to say to that, I turned the attention back to my mom. “I don’t know how to tell him.”
Lennox winked, taking a big bite of her burger, and said, “We’ll tell him together. Right after I finish my hamburger.”
Lennox stuck her key in the door, missing a few times at first. I thought she was drunk, though to be honest, she held her liquor pretty well. Not like Daddy, that’s for sure.
“One second…” Lennox stuck her tongue out slightly in concentration as she worked the lock. “It sticks sometimes. Old building, ya know?” She wiggled at the lock and in a few seconds, the door was open. I felt the draft of AC before I noticed anything else.
“You’re back early.” Vic’s cold voice drifted out with the air conditioning. “Thought you’d stay out late.”
“I’m not like you Vic,” Lennox snapped. “I don’t disappear for months.”
“It was one week!” Vic slammed the magazine he was reading down on the table, gearing up for a fight. I clenched and unclenched my fists, hoping desperately that they wouldn’t start fighting. It was going to be hard enough telling Vic what had happened. I didn’t need to shout in the middle of a fight, “Hey, Mom’s dead!” Lennox was supposed to be helping, not hurting.
I coughed, announcing my visit and hopefully diffusing the situation. As if remembering she wasn’t alone, Lennox looked at me, annoyed.
“Oh,” Lennox said. “Grace has something to tell you.”
“What?” I sputtered. That was the set up? That was the help?
“I mean,” Lennox sighed, running a hand through her hair. “I mean we have some bad news.”
Vic eyed us shrewdly. “What is it?”
I stepped forward, feeling like I was entering a spotlight. “Mama’s dead.” If Vic felt anything, he didn’t show it. There wasn’t one change in his demeanor. Not an eyebrow twitch or even a blink. He stared at me, like I’d just asked what was on television.
“She died last night. I just got the call this morning.” He nodded after I spoke again, so that was something; at least I knew he’d heard me. “I have to go back and plan the funeral. Eli and I are leaving tonight. You’re welcome to come back. It’s probably just going to be me and Eli anyway.” Shoot, Eli! I glanced at the clock on the wall, realizing I’d left Eli alone for a few hours when he’d probably only thought I’d be gone for less than one.
“What airline are you taking?” Vic barked.
“What?” I sputtered, caught off guard.
“The airline company, who are you taking?”
“Oh, I don’t know. We’re takin’ whoever is cheapest. Neither of us got much money.” To be honest I was going to end up maxing out my credit card to buy tickets. Not sure yet how I planned on paying that back, but that was a problem for another day.
“That won’t work. We’ll see what we can get on such short notice. Probably won’t be much, but it’s better than whatever shit you were looking at.” Vic walked away without another word. I glanced at Lennox, looking for a
little explanation, but her mind was elsewhere. He’d said “we”, right? Did that mean he was coming?
I ran to my apartment, ignoring the elevator because someone was already on it with their kid and the kid thought it would be so funny to press all the buttons. I skipped down the flight of stairs, pulling open the heavy metal door and rushing down the hall into my apartment.
“We have to go!” I said, bending over my knees, out of breath.
Eli stood to attention, reminding me yet again of a soldier. “What’s up? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain everything on the plane! Come on let’s go!” I grabbed my bag. “Are you packed?” I asked as we left my apartment, my backpack slung over one shoulder. I hadn’t even considered that Eli might not be packed. Even though I’d left him for hours, I hadn’t exactly told him what was happening.
“I left and got my stuff,” Eli said, gesturing to the backpack on his own back. “You were gone a long time. Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know. I went to tell Vic but he and Lenny were fighting again so Lenny and I went to lunch—sorry I didn’t tell you,” I added with a grimace, knowing I’d left him alone in my apartment for hours. Continuing, I explained, “And when we got back I told Vic and he immediately bought all of us, including you, tickets to Georgia. The plane leaves in forty minutes, by the way.” I took a breath. “I guess that’s it. I don’t need to tell you anything else.” I hurriedly pressed the button on the elevator, more than once, because when you do that it definitely makes the elevator go faster. Is that kid still playing in there or what?
“Where are they?” Eli asked, calm and smooth as butter even though I was inwardly—and outwardly—freaking out.
“Downstairs!” I said, exasperated. Why couldn’t he read my thoughts yet? “They’re waiting in Vic’s car to take us to the airport.”
“Well we better hurry then,” Eli replied, oozing nonchalance. When we made it down to the lobby, Vic and Lennox were waiting for us. I noticed they were holding hands, yet they both still looked angry. I didn’t have time to question that as we all loaded into Vic’s car and sped off. Vic wove in and out of traffic as if playing a video game. We all barely said anything the entire time we were in the car.
“I couldn’t get us first class on such short notice,” Vic grumbled as we unloaded our bags. “So we’re business class.” My eyes went wide as saucers. Business class? I’d never even been on a plane before, much less in business class. Isn’t that really good?
“It doesn’t matter, Vic,” Lennox said as she heaved her giant suitcase onto a curbside platform. A man with a blue jacket took the suitcase, gave it a tag, and put it next to a bunch of other suitcases. Lennox smiled and gave the man some money. “I think we’re all going to be happy in business class.”
“Do I have to give him my backpack?” I asked Eli nervously. It was really small but I didn’t know a thing about airplanes. Maybe I had to give it to him. Honestly, I was less concerned about giving the man my backpack and more concerned about the fact that I didn’t have any cash to give him.
Eli shrugged. “I don’t know.” I’d forgotten—he had never been on a plane either. He’d driven his truck across the country to California. This was the first time on a plane for both of us.
What followed after our bag check was a blur. We stood in line for only a few minutes and then people were telling me to take my shoes off, take things out of my bag, raise my hands over my head, and just generally yelling at me to do things that seemed ridiculous.
“Do you have any hairspray in here ma’am?” a lady with a blue shirt and black pants asked me.
“What?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly; I was still putting my shoes back on.
“Do you have any hairspray in your bag?” she repeated, her voice now laced with annoyance. I glanced at Eli for support, but he’d been pulled aside and was being patted down by two people in blue.
“I…” I stuttered, not sure if this was a trick question or not. “I don’t think so?”
The lady raised her brow, but shoved my backpack to me anyway. “Have a nice flight, ma’am.” I thanked her and took my bag. I clutched it to my chest, afraid someone was going to take it away from me again, and waited for Eli.
“I hate TSA,” Vic grumbled as he and Lennox joined us.
“TSA?” I questioned.
“Yeah.” Vic glared back at security. “Without fail, they always pull me aside. Do I look like a terrorist to you? Because they seem to think I do.”
I didn’t have time to answer. “Only ten minutes to make our flight, let’s move it!” Lennox said, ushering us along. Was flying always this hectic? I felt like we’d all injected coffee into our veins. By the time we made it on the plane I was ready to close my eyes and sleep, but I couldn’t, because we were on a plane. We were about to fly.
“Sit by me!” Lennox grabbed my arm, pulling me from my seat next to Eli. “Let the boys bug each other for a couple hours.” It wasn’t a request. I took a window seat next to Lennox and braced myself for the flight.
I would have loved to share the experience with Eli. It may seem silly, but under the sugar maple tree we talked about taking a plane together and flying out of our town. As the plane rushed down the tarmac and lifted off, I glanced across the aisle and saw Eli staring at me. Wordlessly, we shared the moment we’d always planned on sharing.
“I’ll have french fries.” Lennox and the flight attendant looked at me, waiting for my response. I was speechless. It was only a few minutes into the flight and I was ordering food.
“I… I… Uh, just water right now, thanks.” The attendant nodded and continued on her way.
When the fries came, Lennox chewed silently. For the first time in hours, everything seemed to calm down. Only the low rumble of the plane’s engine could be heard. I laid my head against the comfy plane seat and was about to sleep when a thought popped into my head. I turned to Lennox and said, “Vic left?”
Lennox chewed her fries thoughtfully, her eyes looking beyond me and at the captain’s cabin. “After the dinner we had together at the beach. I woke up the next morning and he was gone.”
“Where’d he go?” I pressed, ignoring the voice in my head that said to let it go.
“Wouldn’t we all love to know that.” Lennox laughed bitterly.
Melancholy overcame me. “It was my fault he left, though.”
“No.” Lennox returned her gaze to mine. “No, it wasn’t your fault. Vic has done a good job of forgetting his past. His skeletons are buried so deep sometimes I think even he doesn’t even know where they are. You remind him of the past. You unearth those skeletons. He didn’t like that. He ran away.” I nodded. I knew a little something about running away. “Don’t tell him I said that though. He’s big and tough and big tough people don’t run away.” Lennox ate another bite of her fried potatoes. “Or fuck it, tell him. I don’t care.”
“He came back though.” I pointed out, feeling bad for bringing up a bad memory.
Lennox shrugged. “Yeah.” She opened a bottle of pills and chased it with wine.
“What’s that?” I realized too late that what I’d asked was nosy, and probably none of my business. By the time I opened my mouth to say sorry, she was already responding.
“Oh it’s nothing. I get back pain every now and then. No big deal.”
“I’m sorry.” I reached out to comfort her but quickly pulled my hand back, realizing I was again invading her space. Not sure what to do, I asked, “Is it bad?”
“It’s really not a big deal. Heads up though,” Lennox added. “I’ll probably fall asleep in a few. These make me sleepy.”
I nodded. After my miscarriage I’d had abdominal pain for a few weeks. They had prescribed me medication, but I was so afraid Daddy would find out that I threw away the prescription before I left the hospital. If I’d known Daddy wouldn’t be around, I would have kept it. I had been in so much pain. As I watched Lennox take her pills, I felt sorry for
her. I knew what it was like to be in pain. I just hoped she got relief.
The funeral, if you could call it that, was short and bitter. It consisted of me, Vic, Lennox, Eli, and a pastor. The pastor read a few things from the Bible while it rained around us. I had insisted it be outside, despite the weather. Daddy had kept her locked inside her entire life. She deserved to be outside, even if it was raining.
I thought Mama would have been happy to see who came to her funeral. She would have been happy seeing Vic with such a nice girl. Though she didn’t show it well, Mama had loved Vic. Even though Eli and I were still figuring things out, she would have been happy to know I wasn’t alone. I had Vic and Lennox. I had Eli. And somewhere in the world, I had Vera.
I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to think about what Mama’s death meant. I didn’t want to think about how I’d left her alone in the house, alone with Daddy's ghosts and shadows. I didn’t want to think about how I hadn’t called her at all.
I didn’t want to feel that guilt.
I didn’t want to feel her absence.
I really had thought that once I had my stuff figured out, I would come back for her. I would have taken her out of the house and we would have lived happily ever after. Together.
I wiped a stray tear from my eye, shoving the thoughts back down where they belonged. I couldn’t think about that now.
When the pastor finished talking to God, I shook his hand and picked up her ashes. Vic, Lennox, and Eli had been silent the entire time. I felt their eyes on me like a spotlight. I was sure they wanted to know what I was thinking, but I said nothing. Like I said, I didn’t even want to know what was going on in my head, so I sure as heck wasn’t about to start sharing it with anyone else.
We walked to our rental car in the rain. It was about an hour drive to the lawyers’ offices, as they weren’t in town but a few towns over in Macon. None of us spoke while driving, but Eli kept my hand in his the entire way. That small comfort meant the world to me.
Let Me Go (Owned Book 2) Page 22