If she had it to do over again, she’d have kept her fool mouth shut after that scene in the woods with Alope. Angela knew now, probably knew even then, that Matt hadn’t betrayed her. She’d betrayed herself. Her irrational fear and petty jealousy had destroyed whatever it was they’d had.
Each night she relived those few precious days after the treaty was signed. How she longed to go back to that time, to erase what happened afterward. Even amid this kind, loving family, she felt alone. They accepted her, they cared for her, and she loved every one of them. But she knew what Matt meant that night of the Apache moon. The love of his family wasn’t enough. She wasn’t complete.
Matt Colton’s child grew inside her, but even that wasn’t enough. Not without the man himself.
She didn’t want to live this way any more. If they couldn’t have a real marriage, then she didn’t want one at all.
She shuddered when she remembered her attempt to get to Tucson on her own. She certainly wouldn’t try that again. Now it appeared she was going to be delivered there by her own mother-in-law. Why hadn’t Matt objected?
Damn you, Matt! Why are you letting me go?
It was later than usual when Matt finally entered the room. She closed her eyes and tried to keep her breathing even. Would he hear her heart pounding?
She nearly cried out when his boots hit the floor one at a time with a loud thud. The rattle of buttons on the bare floor told her he’d dropped his shirt. His belt buckle clanked next, the sound dulled slightly, as if the buckle had landed on the shirt.
Instead of crawling into bed beside her, he sat on the edge, elbows on knees, his head in his hands. A cloud of whiskey fumes surrounded him. She hadn’t known him to take a drink since they’d left the Apaches. Something compelled her to speak.
“Matt?”
He jerked as if he’d been shot, then took a deep breath. “It’s late. I thought you’d be asleep by now.”
“Is something wrong?”
Matt snorted in disgust. “What makes you say that? My wife is taking our unborn child and leaving me in the morning. What could possibly be wrong?” He laughed harshly, then flopped down beside her on the bed.
“I’m beginning to realize what you meant when you said you couldn’t live with someone you couldn’t trust,” he said quietly. “You don’t trust me to be faithful, and now I don’t trust you not to run off the first chance you get, which will be tomorrow.”
She swallowed. “Then why are you letting me go? You could have stopped it, you know.”
“I know,” he said with a deep sigh.
A deep ache grew in her chest. “Then…you want me to go?”
“Did I ever tell you about my mother?” he asked. “No, I guess I didn’t. Before I was born, Dad brought her out here, much against her will. She hated it here, he said. She wanted to live in New Orleans so she could buy fancy gowns and go to big parties. She hated it here so much that as soon as I was born, she took me and ran off.”
“Is that what you think I’ll do? Take my child and run off?”
Matt acted like he didn’t hear her. “The only thing was, she was so desperate to leave here, she didn’t wait until she recovered from having me. The trip was too hard on her. By the time Dad caught up with her in New Orleans, she was dead.”
It was quiet for a moment before Angela spoke. “Are you saying you think that’s what will happen to me if I try to leave here?” Would you care?
“I’m saying I don’t want to take that chance, Angela, but I don’t know what to do. If you want to leave badly enough, I guess you will. But unless you have family or friends somewhere to stay with, I don’t see how you can hope to survive. At least here, with me, you’re safe.”
“A prison is safe too, Matt,” she said quietly.
Matt winced inwardly at her words. “I know. I was wrong to force you to stay here. But Angela, you really don’t have any idea what it’s like out here for a woman alone, especially someone as beautiful as you. You might stand a chance back East somewhere, where things are more civilized, but not here, not in Tucson.
“To answer your question, yes, I want you to go tomorrow. Go to Tucson. Look around carefully at what kind of town it is. It’s rough and it’s dangerous. Even most men are afraid to go there alone, most decent men, anyway, and with good reason. There are stabbings and shootings every single night, and sometimes in the middle of the day. Go to Tucson, then come home, Angela.”
“Home?”
“I’d like you to feel like this is your home, because it is. But I’m like you in one respect. I don’t think I can live with the constant threat hanging over my head that any day you might change your mind and walk out. So if you come back tomorrow, I’ll take that to mean you plan to stay.”
Angela was stunned. He was giving her a choice. He was offering her the chance to leave. He was letting her go! And in that instant, she knew she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t leave him.
“I know you don’t trust me,” he said softly, “but if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll make you a deal.”
Her voice was breathless when she spoke. “What kind of deal?”
“I won’t touch another woman, and you won’t run away. You trust me, and I’ll trust you.”
“Matt, I—”
“Don’t say anything, Angela. Just think about it. Sleep on it. When the wagon comes back from town tomorrow, I’ll have my answer, one way or the other.”
Sleep on it? It was hours before she was able to sleep. The next morning, when she was dressed and waiting in the front hall, ready to go, Matt tossed her a leather pouch that landed heavily in her hands with a metallic clink. She looked inside and gasped. No wonder it was so heavy! It was full of twenty-dollar gold pieces! She looked at Matt questioningly.
“For whatever you need.”
Angela took a deep breath, for courage. “Matt, I’ve made my decision.”
“Well don’t tell me,” he said, his expression strained. He kept his eyes on the bag of coins and didn’t look at her. “You might change your mind. Women have been known to do that from time to time.”
Just then Daniella joined them. “You won’t need that money, Angela. We have accounts at all the stores. But I’d keep it, just the same,” she said with a mischievous grin. “A wife never can tell when a little money of her own might come in handy.”
Daniella’s attempt at humor failed miserable with Matt and Angela. The air between them nearly crackled with tension.
Matt didn’t dare stand and watch them leave. He was afraid he might make a fool out of himself by doing something stupid like begging Angela to stay. So he turned his back and walked away.
When Angela turned to wave good-bye, he was gone.
Travis drove the wagon, and Benito rode beside them on horseback. Serena had persuaded her mother to let her come along, but she had to ride in back, as there wasn’t enough room on the wagon seat.
“One rule about living out here,” Daniella said as they bounced along, “is never, ever go into Tucson alone. If for some reason you have to go without Matt, take at least one of the men along.”
“Is it really that bad?” Angela asked, wondering if Matt had put his stepmother up to this.
“It’s worse, but you’ll see for yourself when we get there. There are some very decent people in Tucson, but not enough to matter much when you’re in trouble.”
“Isn’t there a sheriff?”
“Tucson’s got lots of sheriffs,” Daniella said with a harsh laugh. “In fact, they have a different one every two or three months. They either don’t live long, or they skip town in the middle of the night. It’s not a very pleasant town, my dear. It’s changing, though. Some day, maybe in not too many years, it’ll be a nice town. Even now, as bad as it is, it’s a thousand times better than it was when I first came here ten years ago. Back then there was no law at all. At least now they have a jail and a courthouse.”
To emphasize her point, Daniella motioned toward the northeast.
“Look at the land between here and the mountains,” she said.
The land she indicated stretched for miles before the ground rose into the foothills, then the dark, purple mountains in the distance. Like toy soldiers, giant saguaro cacti stood tall and erect. Their spines and arms reached toward the sky, while smaller cousins, chollas and prickly pears, guarded their feet.
“Tucson’s not nearly as hospitable as the desert,” Daniella said.
When they reached Tucson, it was obvious Daniella and Matt both had spoken the truth. It was a larger town than Angela expected, but it should be large, she reasoned, since it was the capitol of the territory.
But no railroad? No telegraph? Good heavens! And the saloons! She’d never seen so many saloons. And all of them seemed to be doing a roaring business, even though it was the middle of the day. She noted a post office and the jail, but not much else that denoted civil government. The courthouse must be on another street.
There was garbage lying in the streets, and what appeared to be a good deal of two-legged garbage walking around. Men were everywhere. Dirty men, sleazy men, evil looking men, all with pistols and knives sticking out of their belts, holsters and boots.
There were a few—very few—nicely dressed Mexican women going about their business, and Daniella and Travis occasionally waved at someone they knew.
And dogs. The streets were full of dogs. Most of them were skin and bones, rooting through the garbage for food.
There were no laughing groups of young ladies dressed all in ruffles and lace, with parasols resting on their slender shoulders, out for an afternoon of shopping. No dashing groups of young men with walking sticks out eyeing the young ladies. No mothers with children hovering around their skirts. No baby carriages being pushed along by proud parents out to show off the world’s most beautiful child. No old men gathered to whittle and chew and solve all the world’s problems.
No fine, red brick buildings; no cool verandas with wicker chairs; no shaded green parks or tree-lined avenues. Good heavens. No parks or avenues at all. And not a single tree in sight. At least nothing she was willing to dignify with that name.
What on earth had her father been thinking of? Had he even known what it was like out here in this desolate, violent country? She was suddenly, sadly, glad her parents hadn’t lived to see this Tucson. How they would have hated it.
The wagon pulled up at a spot in front of a general store as soon as there was room. Travis helped the three ladies down, and Daniella sped them along on a whirlwind tour of the stores. Angela had intended to buy only a few necessities and some material for a few dresses, but Daniella had other ideas.
Soon the boxes and packages made a sizeable pile beside the wagon where Benito stood guard.
Travis met the ladies for lunch at the Hodges Hotel, which made good its boast of “fine food.” The group was personally greeted by Mr. Levin, the owner. Having had Christmas on her mind lately, Angela thought the fat, jolly, outgoing German would make a perfect Saint Nicholas if he grew his beard a little longer.
Later in the afternoon, when the wagon was loaded and Travis was helping the ladies up onto the seat, Angela heard Benito talking to his employer.
“Señor Travis, do you know that man in the red shirt there, in front of the saloon?”
Travis glanced across the street without seeming to do so. “Not that I recall. Why?”
“He has been watching las señoras ever since you came from the hotel.”
Travis snorted. “Him and about fifty other men on the street. Wouldn’t you watch them?” he added with a grin.
“Sí, señor,” Benito responded. “But this one, he watches only them, no others.”
Travis didn’t say anything as he climbed up and sat next to his wife. Then, softly, “Do either of you know that man?”
Daniella turned around as if to check on Serena in the back, and let her eyes pass over the man in question. “No,” she said. “I’ve never seen him before.”
“Angela?” Travis asked.
Angela was a bit unnerved by the tension around her, but felt sure she wouldn’t know the man. After all, she didn’t know anyone from around here. But she glanced anyway, and her breath halted in her throat as her eyes locked with those of the man across the street. His eyes were angry, triumphant, and threatening, all at the same time.
“Miller!” she gasped.
Travis didn’t wait for more. He slapped the reins and the horses pulled out, taking the lumbering wagon down the street. He didn’t speak until they were out of town on the road home.
“Who was he, Angela?”
“I-It was a man named Miller,” she said. “He was the scout for our wagon train.”
“Any particular reason why he wouldn’t just come over and say hello, instead of standing back and watching like that?”
“I-I don’t know. He’s a mean, vicious man. He didn’t like me much, said I thought I was too good for him. He’s the one who shot Chee.”
Miller nearly laughed out loud when he saw the Barnes bitch ride into town on the wagon. He’d been hanging around this hellhole of a town for months trying to get a line on her. All the army had said was that she’d married some rancher who lived over near Tucson.
The minute he saw her, his gloved right hand began to throb. But that was ridiculous. His right hand was dead, had been for months, would always be dead, according to Tucson’s only doctor.
But for what he had in mind for that scrawny little bitch, his left hand would do just fine. His left hand, and another certain part of his body that jumped up and got hard just thinking about what he was gong to do to that slut. She’d got in his way once too often, and it was time she paid.
Now he knew where she was, knew how to find her. But not yet, he thought with grim determination. He’d seen the look of fear in her eyes just now when she’d turned and spotted him. Let her think about him for a while. Let her worry. When the time was right, he’d have her, there was no doubt about that. He’d have her right where he wanted her.
He pushed himself away from the wall and entered the saloon. As soon as his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he spotted what he was looking for. He strode across the dirt floor, grabbed Rosalita by the arm, and dragged her toward the stairs. Just thinking about what he would do to one Angela Barnes Colton when he had her created an urgent need in him, and if there was one thing Miller believed in, it was satisfying his body’s needs. Rosalita would do for now.
But soon, he’d have the other one.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Matt was in a cold sweat. It was almost dark and he could hear the wagon returning from town. Was she on it? Had she come back, or had she—
His mind shied away from finishing the thought, even though he knew it was a very real possibility.
He sat in the salon with his back to the door, like a complete coward. Light, feminine footsteps tapped their way across the floor. Angela? Or Dani, coming to tell him…?
The footsteps stopped behind his chair. Metal clinked against metal. In the next instant, a leather bag dropped into his lap. It was his bag, the one he’d given Angela that morning, and it was still heavy with coins.
Inch by inch, he forced the muscles in his neck to turn his head around. She stood there, behind him, with a slight smile on her face. His total relief left him speechless, but his heart asked a thousand questions.
Angela shrugged. “I didn’t need it after all. I charged everything.”
Matt stood slowly and came around the chair. He stopped inches in front of Angela, his heart pounding, his mouth dry. “You’ll stay then?” he whispered.
Angela trembled. Her voice shook when she said, “I’ll stay for as long as you want me.”
Matt took her hand in his, inhaled deeply, and closed his eyes, trying to hold his emotions in check. When he opened his eyes, he half expected to find this was a dream. But she was there, her hand was still in his.
They looked at each other solemnly for a moment, then graduall
y, they both began to smile. Warm, radiant smiles. Loving smiles. He pressed his other hand to her cheek and started to lower his lips to hers.
“Oh, there you are, Matt,” Serena called from the doorway. “Dad says come help with the unloading. He says us women bought out the stores.” Unaware of what she’d interrupted, Serena spun away and skipped down the hall to her room.
“Bought out the stores, huh?” Matt said with a slight grin.
Angela tried to shrink into her skin. “I hadn’t really planned on getting much, but Daniella kept insisting I get this, and get that. I hope you don’t mind.”
He gazed at her with such tenderness that it affected her breathing. “I’d buy you the world, if I could.”
“The only world I want or need is right here, with you,” she whispered as he lowered his mouth once more.
“Matt!” Travis’s voice boomed from down the hall.
Matt groaned in frustration, pressed a quick kiss to her ready lips, then forced himself away. “Coming, Dad!”
Later that night, after supper, after her bath had been removed, the packages opened and their contents put away, Angela stood before the long mirror in the bedroom and fingered the lace edge of her new nightgown. It had been part of a new shipment, just arrived in Tucson the day before. Daniella had spotted it first, remarking how rare it was to find such a thing in Tucson without having to order it. She insisted that Angela have it.
It was the one thing Daniella suggested she buy that Angela hadn’t felt guilty about. Good heavens, she’d bought so much! But this was something special—it was for Matt. He’d never seen her in anything really nice before, and she wanted him to be proud of her.
Uncertainty plagued her when she thought of him coming through that door. What would he think? Did he still want her the way he had before? Before she’d been so stupid as to turn him away? Or did he only want her to stay because of the child she carried?
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