“Why do I get the impression you’re suddenly a lot more uncomfortable than I am? Are you afraid of me, Rena? Are you afraid that what happened that last night in Tombstone might happen again?”
He was blaming himself again and she couldn’t stand that. She placed a hand on his arm and her eyes found his through the darkness. “No, Matt, I’m not afraid of that, or of you. I know you’d never hurt me.”
Matt dropped his head and stared at the ground. “I think I already have.”
“No!” she said sharply. She squeezed his arm until he looked at her. “Listen to me. That night in Tombstone…it wasn’t something you did, or something I did. It just…happened. And it happened to both of us.”
“But it shouldn’t have happened at all, damn it!” He jerked his arm free of her hold and stood with his back to her. “I should have stopped it. I could have stopped it, but…”
Serena had to clasp her hands together to keep from reaching out to touch him. She forced her voice to remain steady. “You talk like you’re the only one who was there. I was there, too, Matt. There were two of us in that bed. I may be inexperienced, but I’m not entirely stupid. I knew what was happening. I could have stopped it, too.”
He whirled to face her. “Then for God’s sake, why didn’t you?”
Serena jumped to her feet. “A minute ago you were blaming yourself. Now you’re blaming me. This whole thing is ridiculous! If it bothers you so much to think of me as a woman, then don’t, damn it. We’ll both just forget the entire thing and pretend it never happen. I’ll be what you want me to be. In public, in front of the family, I’ll be your sister.”
Her outburst stunned him. She spit the word sister out as though it were something foul. She stood before him, breasts heaving, eyes snapping, and it was all Matt could do to keep from crushing her to his chest.
He was crazy. That was the only answer. He must be insane to want her so much. He fought back the urge to kiss her, but he couldn’t stop his question. “And in private?”
“There’ll be no private,” she hissed. “Not for us. Not for brother and sister. I wouldn’t dream of compromising your high moral standards by tempting you beyond your endurance.”
Serena stalked past him and headed into the house, ignoring his plea to stop. Her back was as rigid as a fence post until she was behind her closed door.
Matt appeared more than a little leery the next morning when Serena greeted him at the breakfast table with a brilliant smile. She steeled her nerves for the performance of her life. He wanted a sister, that’s what he’d get.
“Morning, Matt,” she said with forced brightness that sounded almost normal. “Did you sleep well your first night home?”
He sat down across the table from her and Joanna. “Fine.” He narrowed his gaze at her. Serena could almost feel him trying to gauge her mood.
Jessica was the last to arrive. She sat between Matt and Spence with a breathless apology for being late. Platters heaped with eggs and ham made their way around the table, followed by baskets of biscuits, boats of gravy, and bowls of fresh fruit and preserves.
Joanna watched her father sip his coffee and sat a little straighter in her chair. “I’m a big girl now, Daddy,” she blurted.
Serena steeled her heart against the tender look on Matt’s face as he smiled at the little girl who sat on two pillows so she could reach her plate.
“You sure are, Pumpkin,” he said.
“Then how come I can’t drink coffee, like you?”
Matt’s lips twitched. “You don’t like milk?”
“Milk’s for babies,” Joanna said with disgust.
He pursed his lips a moment, then reached out and switched his cup of coffee with her glass of milk. “Is that better?”
Joanna’s eyes grew big and round as she stared with awe at the steaming cup of coffee next to her plate. “You mean it? I can drink it?”
“Sure,” he said easily. “But I’ll warn you, it’s not near as good as milk. And it’s real hot, so you’ll have to be careful.” He took a long drink of milk and let out a satisfied sigh. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “That’s much better than coffee.”
Liar, Serena thought, suddenly amused. She knew how much he hated milk.
Joanna eyed him skeptically. “You like milk?”
“Sure I do. When I was sick, your Aunt Rena gave me milk every day.”
“And it made you get better?”
“Yep.”
“But you’re not sick now, are you?”
“No. Now I drink it just because I like it.”
It was all Serena could do to keep a straight face.
“How about you?” Matt asked his daughter. “How do you like your coffee?”
Joanna picked up her cup carefully with both hands and blew on the steamy liquid. She took a hesitant sip, then shuddered and returned the cup to its saucer. “Yuck! That’s terrible.”
The adults choked back their laughter, but Jessica spoke up. “That’s what I say, Jo. I don’t know how anybody can stand the stuff. I’d rather drink mud.”
Joanna wrinkled her nose and pushed the cup away. She watched her father take another drink of her milk. The plea was plain on her face.
“You wanna share?” Matt asked.
Joanna did indeed want to share the milk, rather than drink the coffee. A few minutes later, she was the first one finished eating and asked to be excused.
When she was gone, Serena turned on Matt and fought to keep from laughing. “You should be ashamed of yourself, lying to a child that way.”
“Who, me?” he asked innocently. “I never lie.”
“You do too, you rat. I had to force that milk down you and you know it.”
“I never said I didn’t like milk. If you’d been paying attention, the only thing I complained about was the quantity. You tried to drown me in the stuff.”
“I did not,” she protested.
“Five glasses a day is drowning, Rena.”
Travis threw back his head and laughed. “Five a day?”
“You really did try to drown him, didn’t you?” Pace added.
Serena narrowed her gaze at Matt in mock anger. “Jessie, I can’t reach. Would you please slap your brother for me?”
Jessica grinned up at Matt and said, “Sure thing.” Then her left hand shot out and slapped Spence on the arm.
Laughter spread around the table. Spence never even looked up. He had his nose buried in a history of Julius Caesar and was oblivious to everything around him.
Serena did all right for the rest of the day. She managed to keep away from Matt as much as possible, only getting near him at mealtime. But during supper trouble started. She’d been watching Matt when she thought he wasn’t looking, but he caught her at it. When she passed him the potatoes, their gazes locked. When their fingers accidentally touched, they both reacted as if they’d been stung.
Serena jerked her hand away from the bowl and glanced quickly around the table to see if anyone noticed their behavior. Her gaze collided with Pace’s as he scowled at her. His thoughts flew into her brain.
Tell me what my eyes see is not true.
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
His touch makes you tremble!
Serena glanced to the end of the table, relieved to see her mother in conversation with Spence. Sometimes her mother could pick up on the thoughts the twins flung at each other, but only if she concentrated. You’re mistaken, she told Pace in her head.
You love him! Pace’s thoughts dripped with outrage.
Serena glared at him. Leave me alone. It’s none of your business.
Daniella may not have been paying attention, but Matt was. He didn’t know what they said to each other, but he knew Pace was angry, and he had the uneasy feeling it had something to do with him. He was certain a few moments later when Pace turned to glare at him with cold blue eyes. Dani’s eyes. Serena’s eyes.
Serena escaped the table as soon as politely possible and headed for he
r room, but she wasn’t fast enough. Matt caught her in the hall and stopped her.
“What’s going on, Rena?”
She tried to tug her arm free of his grasp, but he held on. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“What’s Pace so upset about?”
“Is he upset?”
“Don’t lie. The two of you nearly set the table on fire. If looks could kill, I’d be dead from the one he gave me.”
“I didn’t tell him anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Matt sighed with frustration. “I never thought that.”
“Would you let go of my arm, please?”
“Sorry.” He released her, then paused. “Joanna will want you to tuck her in soon.”
“I’ve been putting her to bed every night for over three years. It’s not something I’m likely to forget.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
But Serena didn’t answer. She went into her room and shut the door behind her.
She’d been doing a lot of that lately.
Later that night, after kissing Joanna good night while Matt watched, Serena tried to escape to her room again, but Joanna stopped her cold at the door.
“Good night, Daddy,” the child said as Matt hugged her. Then she called to Serena at the door. “Good night, Mama.”
Serena felt the blood drain from her face. A giant fist squeezed the breath from her lungs. Never in her life had she wanted to run and hide like she did just then. But she couldn’t. This was something that had to be straightened out now. It wasn’t fair to anyone to let the girl get away with such a thing.
Serena crossed the room slowly and knelt beside the bed. When she reached a trembling hand to brush a strand of hair from Joanna’s face, her shoulder brushed Matt’s knee. She flinched at the contact.
“You shouldn’t call me that, Pumpkin.” Her voice shook with emotion as she struggled to keep from weeping.
“Why not?”
“You know why not, Joanna. I love you very much, but I’m not your mother, I’m your aunt.”
“Don’t you wanna be my mother?”
It was a long minute before Serena could speak past the huge lump in her throat. “It’s not a question of what I want, sweetheart, or even what you want. It’s just the way things are.”
“But—”
“That’s enough, Joanna,” Matt interrupted softly. “It’s time you were asleep. We’ll talk about this another time.” When he leaned down to kiss Joanna’s cheek, Serena stood and fled as fast as her trembling legs would carry her.
She dashed down the hall and out into the empty courtyard until she stumbled into the peach tree in the far corner. She clutched at it desperately as anguish overwhelmed her. One sob after another escaped her tortured throat.
And that’s how Matt found her a few minutes later, clinging to the tree, crying against the rough bark. He pulled her away and turned her into his chest. When her arms crept around his waist, a multitude of feelings washed over him. He felt sympathy for the pain she was experiencing, and an overwhelming desire to protect her and make her pain go away. There was no lust in him as he held her trembling body next to his, but there was something…warmer, softer, stronger…scarier.
“Don’t cry, Rena,” he said roughly. He tightened his arms around her. “She didn’t mean to hurt you. She doesn’t understand.”
“And you do?” Serena asked, her voice breaking on a sob.
“I think so.” She tried to pull away but he held her, one hand pressing her head against his shoulder. “You’ve been mother and father both to her, in addition to aunt, for three years. It’s only natural you’d come to think of her as yours.”
“Oh, Matt, I swear…I swear she’s never called me that before. I never would have let her call me that.”
“I know, I know.” Another sob shook her. Matt pressed his lips against her hair. “You’ll never lose her, Rena, I promise you that. I’d never separate the two of you. Don’t cry anymore, honey. I can’t stand it when you cry.”
His arms were so strong, his breath against her face so warm. Finally she began to relax in his embrace. When his lips touched her forehead she sighed and closed her eyes. Then he began kissing the tears from her lashes and cheeks. As his lips neared hers, her heart pounded and her knees started shaking.
She had promised herself she wouldn’t let this happen again. She wouldn’t get close enough to let him kiss her. But as his lips hovered over hers…Just this once. Only once.
Serena raised her face and opened her lips to his. The kiss was so tender that fresh tears seeped from beneath her lashes and a soft whimper escaped her throat.
“Shh,” he whispered against her lips. “It’s all right. Shh.” His lips nipped softly at hers, then sipped the new tears from her cheeks. He pressed her head back against his shoulder. “Come on. I’ll walk you to your room.”
He kept his arm around her shoulders and walked her to her door. There, he cupped her face in both hands and brushed his lips across her forehead. “Get some sleep, sweetheart.”
Serena waited until he’d gone to his room and closed his door before she went into her own room. She touched her fingers to lips that still tingled from his kiss. The tears started again. They didn’t stop until sometime after she fell asleep.
Chapter Eleven
Serena thanked Pace for hitching the gray mare to the buggy.
“You gonna be all right?” he demanded.
“I’m fine, Pace. I’m just going to visit Sylvia for a while, that’s all.” She knew her sudden departure troubled Pace, but her mind was too filled with her own problems to worry about his. “I’ll be back in a week or two. I’ll leave the horse and buggy at Leatherwood’s Livery in case Mama wants to send someone for it.”
A few minutes later, Serena was down the road and out of sight of the house. She wiped impatiently at the tears stinging her eyes. She was being a coward again, running away like this. It made her angry with herself. Grandfather Cochise would be ashamed of her. She could hear his voice on the morning breeze.
“You cannot run from pain, bizᾴᾴyéń, little one, for it will follow wherever you go. To run from it is to acknowledge it, to admit it is more powerful than you. To acknowledge pain and give in to it is to allow it to control you. Pain is like fear. It happens, but you must never let it show. Pain and fear are your enemies. The Chidikáágu’ do not run from their enemies, granddaughter.”
Yes, Grandfather would be ashamed of her. She was half Chiricahua, and the Chiricahua did not run from pain. But she kept her face to the west and urged the horse on toward Tucson. She wasn’t really running from the pain anyway, she decided, because it was still with her, and would be. She was running from the source of the pain—Matt. And Joanna.
Serena might have been all right, might have been able to deal with Joanna calling her “Mama,” if Matt hadn’t been so…so sympathetic and understanding, so tender and caring. If he’d just left her alone, she might have been able to stand it.
If. What was the use in “if?” he hadn’t left her alone. He had shown his brotherly concern, followed by a not so brotherly, yet passionless kiss, and here she was, on the road to Tucson, running away.
The sun crept over the mountains at her back and cast long shadows before her. Some distance up the road, light flashed off metal. Serena soon realized a rider was coming her way. She reached into her drawstring bag next to her on the seat and checked her derringer to be sure it was loaded. A rider this far from town, this early in the morning, could spell trouble.
She was relieved a few minutes later when the rider came closer and she recognized Caleb. Relieved, but surprised, and more than a little puzzled. She pulled on the reins to slow the mare as Caleb turned his gelding and rode beside the buggy.
“Good morning!” he said, doffing his hat. “Would you believe you’re just the person I was coming to see?”
At this hour? “Not really,” she said, smiling.
His
face took on a look of mock dismay. He held his hat over his heart. “Oh, but it’s true.” Eyes twinkling, he settled the dusty brown Stetson back on his head. “Is it all right if I tie my horse on behind and ride with you a spell?”
“Where’ve you been?” Travis asked when Pace finally showed up for breakfast. “Where’s Rena?”
Keeping his gaze lowered, Pace sat down and began filling his plate. “I was just hitching up the buggy for her. She’s headed into town for a couple of weeks to stay with the Ortegas.”
Matt slammed his fork down beside his plate. “She’s what?” he demanded.
Pace raised his gaze to his brother slowly. When he spoke, his soft voice carried a hint of steel. “You heard me.”
Daniella set down her cup of coffee carefully. “She didn’t say anything to us about staying in town.” She looked to Travis for confirmation. He shook his head.
Pace glared at Matt. “It was a sudden decision.”
“Damn that girl,” Matt muttered. “How long ago did she leave?”
“About a half hour,” Pace said, lowering his gaze to his plate again.
Matt excused himself and rushed from the room.
Pace’s face turned to stone as he rose to follow. His mother stopped him with a hand on his arm. At the look of fury in his eyes, she let go of him. “What’s going on?” she demanded.
“Trouble, that’s what.”
Pace caught up with Matt just inside the barn. He grabbed the older, larger man by the shoulder and spun him around. A hard right to the jaw took Matt completely by surprise. He staggered backward and stared at Pace in total amazement.
Being raised as brothers, the two had naturally had their share of disagreements over the years, but they had never struck each other in anger. Never.
“Are you crazy? What the hell was that for?” Matt demanded.
“Shilahúkéne,” Pace said with a snarl.
“Your sister? I was under the impression she was my sister, too.”
“Not to hear her tell it.”
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