Thirty minutes later, I’m standing on the front porch of Alex’s house, still in my pajamas, ringing the doorbell. Yes! I’ve lost my mind. This is a new low, even for me. He opens the door wearing nothing but a pair of black boxers. He looks sleepy, sexy and confused. “Jordan, is everything alright? What are you doing here?”
I stand up straight, hold my head up high, and swallow my pride. “I couldn’t sleep,” I say with a sigh.
I see him fight the smile tugging on his lips. “You couldn’t sleep, or you couldn’t sleep without me?”
I huff in annoyance and roll my eyes. “Are you going to let me in or what?”
He places a hand on the door and pushes it open wider, clearly loving every minute of my humiliation. He’s blocking the doorway and I’m forced to duck underneath his arm to get inside. He chuckles as he secures the bolt on the door. “Come on, babe. Let’s go to sleep,” he says, grabbing my hand and pulling me upstairs with him. He leads us to his bedroom and directly into his bed, positioning us so that we’re facing each other. Right at this moment, I feel more wanted than I ever have before. The simplest things that Alex does make me feel most cherished. There’s no grand gesture necessary with him. I have an overwhelming urge to cry, but I close my eyes, hold the tears back, and try to focus on what’s happening right now between us because whatever it is, it’s very good. I feel his lips press against my forehead and I take a breath, letting the sensation of his body against mine wash over me. I find comfort in being in his embrace, and minutes later, we’re both asleep.
I wake up, startled and confused, unaware of my surroundings. I realize that I’m in Alex’s arms, but not in my bed. The sound of his soft breathing is mixed with the beat of heavy rain on the roof and loud thunder. I begin to remember the events of last night. I came here after practically kicking him out of my house and then wasn’t able to sleep without him. I allow myself to relax back into Alex’s embrace. As he sleeps peacefully, I recall how I wanted to cry last night. I couldn’t comprehend why, in the midst of such a lovely moment, I had let such a flash of sadness come over me. In the light of a new day, I realize that occasions of sadness in the heart of something good serve as a reminder of the fact that life isn’t always what you think it ought to be. Certain truths are more painful than existing in a life of lies, and that when you find even a tiny slice of goodness, you should hold onto it with everything you have. The more time I spend with Alex, the more I start to wonder if he could be that slice of goodness. But what if he doesn’t feel the same way? There’s no doubt in my mind that he did at some point, but now he’s shown no interest in being intimate with me. Is that really a bad thing though? Why am I putting such a high level of importance on sex or the lack thereof? Maybe that’s where my problems with relationships begin. I use sex as a way of feeling loved without having to actually give away my heart. Is that why he hasn’t touched me? Does he think that I’ll walk away once we’ve done the deed?
Alex stirs behind me, his arm tightens around my waist. Instinctively, my lips curl up into a smile. “Good morning,” I say, melting into him.
“Mmmm,” he grunts, burrowing his face in the crook of my neck and placing a kiss on my shoulder. “Morning, babe.”
I turn in his arms until we’re face to face. The sight of him all sexy and sleepy makes my insides stir. I slide my top leg in between his and rock my hips against his hardness. I can see desire flash in his eyes as I brush my lips against his. He places a quick kiss on my lips and rolls onto his back, effectively breaking the moment between us. I follow suit, rolling onto my back and covering my eyes with my arm. I’m frustrated by his rejection. I can’t take it anymore. I have to know what the deal is. The hot and cold game he’s playing needs to stop. I let out a breath and roll back onto my side, resting my head on hand.
“Why haven’t you touched me?”
He looks at me and lets out a nervous laugh, which makes me nervous. “What?”
I have to get to the bottom of this because it’s starting to consume my thoughts. I gather my composure and continue. “You haven’t tried to have sex with me.”
“Ahhhh, I see,” he says with a nod. “And me not trying to get in your pants bothers you?”
I officially hate this conversation. I could kick myself for bringing it up, but now that I’ve started it, I have to participate. “I wouldn’t say that it bothers me. It’s just strange, I guess. You tell me how you want to be with me, but you don’t want to do that?”
He sighs, but says nothing. I can tell that he’s taking the time to choose his words carefully. “I just … I’m not sure you’re ready, babe. After that night at the club, I decided to slow things down. I felt like us spending time together and trying to get to know one another as a couple was more important than consummating our relationship.”
Well, don’t I just feel stupid now? “Oh.”
He turns over so that he’s nearly on top of me. “Hey,” he says. “I never meant to make you think that I didn’t want you. I want you very much. I just need you to be sure.”
No one has ever worried about my readiness to have sex. It’s kind of unbelievable, but I have to admit that it’s also really nice. I bring my hand up and stroke his cheek. “I am. I’m sure.”
“Really?” There’s a tone of disbelief in his voice, but I nod my response. I couldn’t be more ready for him.
He smiles down at me and pushes the loose strands of hair off my face. “Then why did you have a meltdown last night?”
This just keeps getting worse. “I didn’t have a meltdown, Alex. I just thought we needed some space.”
“So much so, that not even two hours later, you showed up on my doorstep?”
I’m trying to keep my cool, not turn into a bitch and push him off me then walk out the door. It’s what I’d normally do, but I really do want to go against my normal tendencies. I want a chance at a future with a great guy, and I’m starting to believe that there’s no one better than this one. It’s the first time that I’ve ever admitted to hoping for something more out of life than my usual relationship homicides. I decide to give honesty a try. “I was wrong about the space. I missed you, alright. I said it … happy now?” I said I’d be honest, but I never said I’d be nice about it.
Alex smiles and kisses my forehead. “Yeah, I’m happy that you missed me, but I’m not happy that you’re struggling. Why don’t you tell me what happened at dinner? What did
Ellie say?”
I turn my face, trying to avoid his gaze. “Alex.”
“Jordan,” he says, bringing his hand to my chin and turning my head to face him again. “Talk to me.”
“She asked me if something was going on between us.”
His eyes go wide. Apparently, he didn’t see that coming. “What did you say?”
“I said no. I’m not ready for her to know about us.”
The sound of thunder startles me, and Alex looks toward the window. I can tell that he’s frustrated by my need to keep our relationship a secret. “What else?” he asks, turning his head until we’re face to face again.
“She said that, given my track record, I would not be a good choice for you. I would only end up hurting you.” I can feel tears starting to form as I say the words, and I hate myself for being this weak. Why do I care what anyone thinks? Even if that person is my best friend. She doesn’t need to agree with my choices, and I certainly don’t need her approval. I know her intentions are good, but the words hurt too much. I should just let it go.
He presses his lips together in a hard line and the stone cold look on his face tells me that he’s not happy about what Elle said to me. “She said that?”
I turn my gaze towards the window. The sky is dark and rain is getting heavier. It would actually be kind of relaxing if this conversation wasn’t so stressful. It’s the kind of weather that makes you want to stay home and snuggle with someone. It reflects my mood perfectly. “Pretty much.” I shake my head and whisper, “Don’t be mad at her, babe
. She meant well.”
“Look at me, Jordan.” I do as I’m told and meet his gaze. I could get lost in his eyes. The warmth that reflects in them never fails to draw me in. “She’s wrong. You are exactly what I need. I’m an adult and I can take care of myself. You do not need to worry about hurting me. Okay?”
I give him a smile. I want so badly to believe his words. To accept that we can be together and that he can handle all that I am, the baggage I carry, the issues that plague my relationships. That he can be the one to help me let go of it all. “Okay.”
He strokes my cheek with his hand and brings his lips down to meet mine. The kiss feels different, better, if that’s even possible. It’s full of Alex’s promises and my hopes for us. He pulls away and stares down at me for a moment. “And if you’re sure you’re ready, we’ll move things along soon.”
“Now,” I say, wrapping my legs around his waist.
Alex laughs. I can see the shock and amusement in his eyes. “Now?”
I rock my hips up and can feel his arousal. “Yes, I want you now.”
He grabs my hands and pins them on the bed just over my head. The look of delight is now replaced with a more serious expression. “I want it to be special for you.”
My heart swells with an emotion I’m not quite sure I understand. What I do know is that it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It terrifies me and excites me at the same time. Under normal circumstances, the terror would win out and send me running, but Alex is far from normal. “This is special. It’s more special than anything I’ve ever had.”
He nods his head in understanding. “Yeah, it is.”
“If you’re waiting for me to speak words of love, or tell you that we’ll be together forever, I can’t promise you that I’ll ever say that. But I can say that I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I’ve never wanted to try so hard with anyone. You wanted our first time to be special, Alex. This is it. Here in this house, where we met, where we snuck our first kiss, where this thing between us started. It’s special here and I’m ready. I want it to be here.”
He stares at me for what feels like an eternity, trying to come to some sort of decision. I know he’s ready to give in to me when his eyes grow warm and languid. He pulls himself up to his knees and looks down at me. He reaches for the hem of my tank top and pulls it up. I lift my torso to help him along, and he easily slides it over my head. I lay back down, exposed, as he tosses the clothing on the floor. His eyes roam over my upper body, taking me all in. I realize that it’s the first time he’s ever really seen me naked. The only thing covering me now is a flimsy pair of cotton pajama bottoms and undies.
Alex repositions himself over me, nudging my legs open with one of his, as he settles between them. He lowers his head down, his lips graze mine. “So damn beautiful,” he whispers before he claims my mouth. Instinctively, my lips part to allow him access. The feel of my naked breasts against his skin makes the heat pool between my legs. He breaks the kiss and begins a slow journey south, leaving a trail of kisses on my cheek, my chin, my neck, and stopping to pay special attention to my breasts. He palms one as he slowly licks and savors the other. An involuntary moan escapes from my lips as his touch begins to drive me wild.
I run my hands through his hair and hold on for dear life. I might have even heard him grunt in pain, but I don’t care. I need to touch him, to make sure that he’s here and that this is really happening. He starts his descent again and before I can register what’s happening, my pants and underwear have joined my tank top on the floor. His lips on my inner thigh cause my hips to buck up off the bed. He places the palms of his hands on my hips in response, keeping me securely locked down on the mattress. “You sure you’re ready?” he asks, taking in all of me.
“Yes,” I whisper, nodding my head.
“Good, because I couldn’t stop now even if I wanted to,” he says, tightening his hold on me. His words make me whimper in anticipation. I close my eyes when his tongue comes into contact with my sensitive flesh, licking the inside of my folds until he finds his mark. His tongue circles around my swollen clit but never quite comes into contact with it. I try to lift my hips to get him where I need him the most, but he just grips them harder, making it nearly impossible for me to move. The sensations he’s eliciting are making me insane. I can feel the buildup in my stomach and I know that it’s coming. Just when I think I can’t take anymore, his tongue finds my clit. With a few skilled strokes, I explode. The climax takes over as I scream Alex’s name, over and over again. As my orgasm begins to recede, I open my eyes to find that he has already removed his boxers. I’m taken aback by the view of him completely naked. I knew that he worked hard on perfecting his body, but to see it completely bare is breathtaking. I can only stare at him as he rolls a condom onto his impressive length and positions himself over me. He strokes my cheek and pushes a stray piece of hair behind my ear.
“Still with me?” he asks. I nod my reply because I don’t think I can speak right now. He chuckles and burrows his face in my neck, gently sucking me there as he slides his member inside of me. I gasp when he fills me completely. It’s been a while since I’ve been intimate with anyone so the feel of him inside me is both pleasurable and uncomfortable. He lifts his head until we’re face to face and he nuzzles his nose against mine. Not moving his hips, he allows me time to get acclimated to his size. “Ready?”
“Yeah,” I reply, loving the look of him right now. “I’m good.” I lift my head to capture his lips with mine. I can still taste myself on him, and I’m strangely turned on by it. Slowly, he starts to move his hips, and I swear it feels like I’ve died and gone to heaven. I lift my legs and wrap them around his waist, deepening the connection. He grunts his approval and increases his thrusts. I circle my hips, meeting his movements as the pleasure intensifies. The familiar buildup begins. It starts in my stomach, and as it grows, it travels outward, hitting each of my nerve endings and causing me to whimper mindlessly. He increases his thrusts, and I can tell he’s as close to the edge as I am. Somewhere in the distance, the sound of thunder vibrates, as our lips meet again, crashing together, capturing my cries as I shatter and Alex collapses on top of me. I cling to him tightly as he spills into me, not wanting to let go, trying to drag out every last piece of the connection between us. We lay there entwined together, coming down from the high and trying to catch our breath.
“Holy shit,” I say, as I finally regain my power of speech.
He lifts his torso slightly, allowing me to get lost in those honey brown eyes. He cracks a smile and places a kiss on my forehead. “I assume that holy shit is a good thing, because I think that was pretty fucking great.”
“That was pretty fucking great, babe.” He pulls out of me and rolls onto his back, taking me with him so that I’m lying partially on top of him. I let myself relax into him, reveling in the feel of him holding me and running his fingers through my hair. “Alex?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you.”
He stops moving, and turns his head to face me. “For what, princess?”
“For waiting, even though I didn’t realize that’s what you were doing. I think it was the right thing.”
“You’re welcome,” he replies as he resumes stroking my hair. “Any regrets?”
“Nope. No regrets. I’m really happy,” I say, not quite believing that the words have come out of my mouth. Happiness is not a word that I associate with myself. Content, maybe, but never happy.
“That’s all I want for you.”
He always knows exactly the right words to shatter my immunity. I believe them when he says them, when he tells me what he wants for me, for us. He makes me want them too. “I think I’m finally starting to understand that.”
“Get some rest. It’s still early,” he says, giving me a gentle squeeze. I think I’ve just discovered what sex with complications is. To have the act be tangled up so deeply with emotion that the potential for heartbreak is too scary to even c
onsider. I let the thought go and close my eyes. The feel of Alex’s arms and the sound of the rain lulls me back to sleep.
I hold onto Jordan as she falls back to sleep, unable to settle my thoughts long enough to do the same. I stare out at the rain as I stroke her hair, wondering how the hell she’s managed to make her way into my heart. I wasn’t prepared to give into her demand for sex this morning, but when she started talking about how special it would be, in this house where we first met, I lost the battle. How could I deny her at that point? And let’s be honest, I’ve wanted to have sex with her from the moment I met her. There’s only so much a man can take, and when she’s practically begging me for it, it’s fucking impossible to say no. That being said, I don’t regret it because it really was special. I think I’ve finally broken through some of her defenses. I’m not dumb enough to think that I’ve won the war, but I definitely won a huge battle with her this morning. I know her well enough to realize that she’s going to do something to push me away now. It may not be today, or next week even, but she’s going to get scared and do her best to fuck it all up. I just hope that whatever she does isn’t enough to drive me away for good. I’m willing to be patient, I’m willing to fight for her, but I’m only human. The only thing I know for sure is that I love Jordan more than I ever thought I could love anyone, and that thought alone scares the shit out of me.
Desperation of Love Page 7