I love the fact that Jordan feels the need to protect me because it tells me that she cares. Whether she admits it or not, she’s invested in us. She proved that last night when she surprised me the way that she did. Holy shit, I was floored when I walked into my bedroom and saw her sprawled out on my bed, surrounded by candlelight. The sight of her was enough to bring me to my knees. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep her by my side. It’s just more confirmation that I’m completely in love with her. But I can’t tell her, because even though I’m sure her feelings for me are strong, I don’t think she’s ready to accept where this is heading yet.
Things with my mom were unusually uneventful. I used my contacts to make sure any talk of a lawsuit was squashed. I got them to agree to a print endorsement rather than a commercial one. Victor’s payday is going to be less, but all in all, I’m pretty certain he would rather stand around for eight hours taking a few pictures, than being away for a two or three day commercial shoot. Plus, it’s not like he needs the money. What stunned me was the grateful look on my mom’s face when I told her about the deal I managed to work out. It actually looked sincere, which is a look I’m not used to seeing on her face when she’s dealing with me.
“Thanks for taking care of this. I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere with them. They hate me,” she says as I grab my car keys from her dining room table.
“Don’t worry about it. It wasn’t a problem.”
She nods, looking almost afraid to speak. “Did I pull you away from anything important?”
I want to say no, but that would be a lie, and I would feel like I was betraying my feelings for Jordan somehow. “Kind of, but it’s okay.”
“You look good. Happier, healthier.”
“I am. It was a good move for me,” I say, trying to cut the chit chat. That’s not the way our relationship works and I’m not interested in pretending it’s something that it’s not. “Look, Mom, I have to run. I’ll see you later,” I say, turning away from her and heading toward the front door.
“I’m sorry,” she calls after me. The words cause me to stop and I stiffen my spine. It’s like a defense mechanism with her, my body’s natural reaction, preparing itself for whatever she’s about to say. I force myself to turn around to face her, and for the first time in my life, I see sadness there.
I hesitate but finally manage to ask, “What are you sorry for, Mom?”
“So many things where you’re concerned. I don’t even know how to name them all.”
“Try.”
“I never deserved you, you know? I was so caught up in my own issues with your dad and my own dreams, which I pushed onto your brother, that I couldn’t see how it was affecting the two most important people in my life, my kids. At least Victor got something out of it. He got fame and fortune but you …” She trembles, tears falling freely down her face now. “You got a mother who treated you like you were worthless, when in reality you are worth more than anyone I know. You deserve more. You stood there with a smile on your face, doing everything you could for a family that didn’t appreciate you.”
“Mom,” I interject, careful to keep my voice steady.
“No, let me finish. I’ve wanted to say this to you for months, but I was too scared. I was afraid of your rejection, even though I deserve it, because at the end of the day, it’s exactly the same thing I did to you, isn’t it? Reject my beautiful, warm boy, a boy who had so much love to give and I threw it back in his face.”
I don’t even realize that I’m crying until I feel the wetness on my cheek. I don’t care that I’m sobbing or how it makes me look. Maybe I am less of a man for it, but shit, I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear these words. I want to tell her that it’s okay, that I’m fine, that I can easily forgive her, but she doesn’t need me blowing smoke up her ass and I don’t want to be dishonest. I wipe the stray tears away before finally speaking. “I don’t know what to say, Mom. A lot has happened and you can’t wash away a lifetime of hurt with a few words.”
“I know. Believe me, I know that. I have a lot to make up for where both of my children are concerned, but especially you. I’ve taken positive steps with Victor, and Ellie has forgiven me for what I did to her, but I knew that it would be harder with you. I’m prepared to do the work if you’ll let me. I’d like to mend our relationship.”
“I’m sure you can understand why I would be a little skeptical, but I guess it can’t hurt to try.”
“Really?”
I shrug my shoulders, thinking that the gesture explains exactly how I’m feeling. I’m skeptical and full of a million questions but willing to hear her out.
“Do you have to go back right now? Can I at least take you to lunch? I’d love to hear about what you’ve got going on nowadays.”
I want to deny her request, because honestly, it’s not like she really deserves any of my time. All I really want to do is get back to Jordan and make sure she’s okay, but I figure we have to start somewhere. I can’t help but to latch on to the hope in her voice. “Sure, but it has to be quick. I need to get back home.”
“Well, I can make us lunch here if you want.”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” I respond as I reluctantly move back toward the dining room area. She walks past me to get into the kitchen. I pull up a chair at the bar that divides the two rooms, unsure of what to say next. I’m thankful when she breaks the silence.
“Victor tells me you started construction on the recording studio. That must be exciting for you, huh?”
“Yeah, it is. If all goes well, it’ll be done and ready to open in a couple weeks. We already have a few tentative clients that have expressed an interest in working with us.”
“Well, you were always good in the studio. The songs that you produced for your brother were some of his best, so I’m not surprised that other artists want to work with you.”
Seriously? Who the hell is this woman and what has she done with my mother? Praise from Lucia Garza is like spotting a UFO. It’s unlikely to happen and if it does, it’s probably just a hallucination. “Uhh, thanks?”
She actually laughs, a real genuine laugh, and I feel like I’ve been transported into the twilight zone. “I know. You think I’ve gone crazy, right?”
“Just a little.”
“I’m not crazy. But I was, for a long time.”
“Why now? Why are you trying to fix our relationship now?”
“What happened with Victor and Ellie was a wake up call to me. My need to control everything was toxic, not just for me, but for everyone around me, including you. I wanted the dust to settle a bit before I reached out to you. I know how angry you’ve been with me, not that I blame you.”
“You know, it’s not that I don’t love you, Mom.”
“I know. I have to earn your trust. It’s okay.”
I shoot a quick text to Jordan while my mom’s busy in the kitchen.
I’m sorry about this morning, princess. Everything is good now, don’t want you to worry. I’ll be home soon.
She quickly responds.
I’m sorry, too. I was out of line. I’m glad you’re okay. Will you come to my house when you’re done?
Her text puts a smile on my face. I’m relieved that she’s not using this morning’s confrontation as an excuse to push me away.
Yes, babe. I’ll be there as soon as I can.
I put my phone into my back pocket, and look up to see my mom watching me intently.
“Are you seeing someone, Alex?” she asks.
I wonder how honest I can be with her. I’m unsure where her loyalty lies. I don’t know if she would agree with Ellie’s feelings about Jordan, or if she would respect my wishes. “Um, you could say that.”
Another genuine smile hits her lips. I don’t know how to handle the hearts and rainbows I’m getting from her today. It’s almost too much for me to take. “Will you tell me about her? Is it serious?”
“It’s Jordan.”
She thinks for a moment. I can
tell the exact moment when the light bulb goes off and realization hits. “Jordan? Ellie’s friend?”
“Yup.”
“Alex, that’s really great. She’s beautiful.”
“Yes, she is, but it’s also hard.”
“Why?”
“Various reasons, but the main one is that she doesn’t want Ellie to know about us.”
She squints her eyes, clearly not understanding the issue. “Why wouldn’t she want to share this with her best friend?”
“Because Ellie doesn’t approve. She thinks that Jordan is going to hurt me and it will end badly for all of us.”
She tilts her head but keeps her eyes on me. “Is there any truth to that?”
“Fuck yes! She can destroy me.”
“You love her,” she whispers.
“Yes,” I respond simply, with zero emotion, as though loving Jordan is second nature.
“Love is pain. You can’t hide from it. Ellie should know that better than anyone.”
My eyes go wide. “You’re not going to take Ellie’s side in this?”
“No, I’m taking your side because you’re my son and because you’re an adult. Even though Ellie means well, it really isn’t any of her business what you and Jordan do.”
I grin at her. “When did you get so smart?”
“When I tried to butt into my other son’s love life. You saw how well that worked out.” With that, I let out a hardy laugh. I can’t help it. This is the mother I’ve always wanted. Someone that I could be open and honest with, bounce ideas off of and know that she would be there for me no matter what. I’m shocked at how easy it is to talk to her like this, how natural it feels after all the years of pain I suffered, even after I shut her out of my life completely. “Does she love you, Alex?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I think she does, but I also think that she’s afraid to admit it.”
“Don’t force her. Just let her know you’re there. Give her your love everyday and show her exactly what she’d be missing if she let you get away.”
“I’m trying.”
“Good. That’s all you can do,” she says, putting a plate of pasta salad in front of me. “Eat up.”
I pick up my fork and look up at her. “Mom, you can’t tell Ellie, okay?”
She takes a bite of her food and nods. “Does Victor know?”
“What if I said no?” I already know her answer. She tells Victor everything, and she’s been trying so hard to get back into his good graces, so keeping a secret from him might be a problem.
“Then I won’t say anything to him either.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s your story to tell, not mine.”
I’m shocked that she’s actually willing to keep a secret from Victor on my behalf. She usually worries solely about how everything is going to affect him. “He knows.”
She shakes her head. “Does he feel the same way as Ellie?”
“No. He thinks I’m good for Jordan.”
“Just as long as she makes you happy.”
“Thank you.”
She says nothing but her smile says enough. I can see the mixture of remorse and hope in it. As much as I want to make it better for her, reassure her that we will be okay, that we can move forward and have the mother and son relationship that we should have always had, I just can’t do it. I won’t make empty promises or give her false hope. All I can give her is an open mind. For now, that needs to be enough.
Dinner with Elle’s family is always fun. Her family radiates warmth and have always been amazing to me. Tonight, everyone is getting together at her and Victor’s new house for a housewarming party. I’m especially nervous to be around Alex and pretend that we aren’t more than just friends, so I decide to drag along my friend Brooke. I thought if I had someone else to focus my attention on, it wouldn’t be as hard. Brooke, Elle and I grew up together. The three of us were pretty close all throughout our school years, but jobs, boyfriends and marriages took their toll on our relationships. She and I have reconnected, and I’m hoping that she and Elle will be able to do the same.
“Are you sure Elle won’t mind that you’re bringing me along?” she asks from the passenger side of my car.
Brooke was shy growing up, and it’s only gotten worse over time. She’s always been a little bit overweight, not that it detracts from her beauty at all. She has long, wavy brown hair, beautiful almond shaped brown eyes and full lips. She’s pretty, but I think that her self-confidence has suffered because of her excess weight. Although she’s happily married, her husband, Stuart, is not my favorite person. The few times I’ve met him, he’s come off as cold and arrogant, which is not a winning combination. It was her house I hid in when I ran from Alex the morning after Elle’s wedding, and I could tell that he was not at all happy to have me hanging around. “It’s fine, Brooke. I actually texted her earlier to let her know I was bringing you. She’s excited to see you.”
She looks over at me and smiles. “Oh, good. I’d hate to be an imposition.”
“You’re a friend, not an imposition,” I say.
“I know. I just haven’t seen her in so long.”
“It’s been too long. I’m just glad you’re coming.”
“I’m happy that you asked. Stuart is out of town on business, so I really didn’t have much going on.” I can almost detect a hint of sadness in her voice, and I want to question her but I don’t want to pry. “So, Alex is going to be there, right? I can’t wait to meet him.”
“Yes, but no one knows we’re together and I really want to keep it that way.”
“Why?”
“Because Elle doesn’t think I’d be good for Alex, and I really don’t want to say anything just yet.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry for putting you in the middle. I just don’t want to upset her and I don’t want to argue about it right now.”
“It’s alright, I get it. Your secret’s safe with me.”
“Thanks, girl,” I say as we pull into the circular driveway. I see Alex’s car and I immediately get butterflies in my stomach. I really wish things were different and we could walk into this house as a couple and be welcomed. The idea of keeping our relationship a secret was mine, but now I wish that we would have just been upfront with everyone from the very beginning. Then again, when have I ever made anything easy? I certainly have a flair for drama, but the funny thing about secrets is, the longer you keep them, the harder they are to reveal.
We get to the front door and ring the doorbell. When Elle lived alone, I always just walked in and made myself at home but now that she’s married, I’m going against the grain and attempting to be polite.
Victor answers the door and gives me a confused look. “Hey, Shorty, why’d you ring the bell?” he asks, reminding me why I love him so much. He’s never tried to make me feel second best in Elle’s life. He always goes out of his way to treat me like I’m family.
“I was being polite,” I say, my tone dripping with sarcasm.
“Whatever,” he says, rolling his eyes and pulling me in for a hug. He lets me go, and I grab onto Brooke’s hand, pulling it so she’s standing right next to me.
“Victor, this is my friend, Brooke. Brooke, this is Elle’s husband, Victor.”
She holds out her hand to him as the blush creeps up her cheeks. “Nice to meet you, Victor.”
He shakes her hand, giving her a warm smile. “Nice to meet you, Brooke. Elle is in the kitchen. She told me all about you. She’s really excited to see you.”
“I’m excited to see her, too.”
“Well, make yourselves at home. All of the family is here already.” He turns his head to me and grins. “Alex is in the living room if you wanna say hi,” he says, quickly turning around and walking away.
I’m pretty sure my face goes white as a sheet. Why would he tell me specifically where Alex is unless he knows? But how could he know since there’re only three people in the world who know about me and Alex, and
two of them are standing right here. He told him. He actually told Victor that we’re together after he promised me he wouldn’t. I’m going to kill him.
“Are you alright, Jordan?”
“I’m fine,” I reply, doing my best to conceal the mixture of panic and rage that’s most likely plastered on my face. “Come on, let’s go find Elle and see if she needs any help.”
I make sure that we cut through the dining room in order to avoid seeing Alex. I need to calm down before I see his face because I may not be able to stop myself from doing bodily harm to him. Now that Victor knows about us, it’s only a matter of time until Elle finds out, and it’s always been my intention to tell her in my own time, on my own terms. I hate that Alex may have taken that away from me. We run into Elle’s brother, Gavin, and his daughter, Gemma, setting the dining room table.
“Hey, guys,” I say to them, pulling in Gemma for a hug.
“Hey, how’s it going, Jordan?” Gavin asks.
“I’m good. You remember Brooke, right? She used to hang out with Elle and me when we were in school.” I motion over to Brooke who looks like she’s comatose.
“Yeah, of course. Nice to see you again, Brooke.”
She stands there, completely still for what seems like forever. I give her a little nudge with my shoulder and that seems to snap her out of it. “Oh, yes, of course. I’m sorry. It’s very nice to see you too, Gavin, and nice to meet you, Gemma.”
“Nice to meet you too,” says Gemma with a grin.
“Gemma, Brooke is going to be teaching math at the high school in a few weeks, so you may see her around.”
Gemma gives Brooke a smile. “Really?”
“Yes, Mrs. Albrecht will be going out on maternity leave soon so I’ll be filling in.”
Gavin chimes in. “How long have you been a teacher?”
Brooke gets that frozen look on her face again, but luckily manages to answer the question. “I was teaching at another district for a while but the commute was intense. This became available and I thought it might be a good way to get my foot in the door at a district closer to home.”
Desperation of Love Page 10