Holy shit, I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. I don’t even know how to respond to him. His request is not even an issue for me. I want nothing more than to be there to take care of Jordan. I want to spend my life showing this girl just how much I love her. That much is clear to me.
“You’re not going to die, Walter. Millions of people have this surgery and come out of it just fine,” I say, trying to reassure him.
“I can’t go into the hows or whys with you. I just have the sense that this is it. Maybe I’m wrong. God willing, I am, but just in case I’m not, would you humor me, son?”
I reach out and cover his hand with my own. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for your daughter. I will take care of her no matter what. She will be fine. I’ll make sure of it.”
He lets out a sigh and I can see the relief wash over his face. “Good. That’s good, Alex. Tell her I love her, will you?”
“Of course,” I say, standing up. I walk to the open doorway and turn back to look at him. “Walter I will see you in a couple of hours. You will be fine.” I’m hoping my words will give him the strength to fight, but after this conversation, I’m not quite sure that they will make a difference. As I walk back to the waiting room, I’m struck by fear for the first time since this whole ordeal began. How do I help Jordan if her father doesn’t make it through this surgery alive?
Dad’s surgery is well underway. I was surprised when Elle’s dad, Joe, and her brother, Gavin, show up to offer their support. Brooke showed up a little while later, and shortly after that, Rob arrived with coffee for everyone. I feel so lucky to have these people around me right now. It really does calm my nerves that they’re all here.
Alex takes a seat by me and pulls me in for a hug. “How you holding up, princess?”
“I’m good,” I say with a smile. “You saw him this morning. He looked great. I really think he’s going to be fine.”
“Yeah,” he says, giving me a small smile. “I do too.”
The thing about being in a hospital waiting room is that time goes by so slowly. An hour feels like a week. There’s nothing else to do besides pray and think, and I think I’ve prayed enough in these last couple of days for a lifetime. That leaves me with only my thoughts to get me through. All of my thoughts lead me back to my childhood, before a time of fighting and bitter divorces, back to when a little girl saw nothing but light when she looked into her father’s eyes. I think back to a time when he could do no wrong, when monsters hidden in the closet were slayed by him, when scrapes on my knee were kissed away by him, when dancing around the living room with my tiny bare feet on his was better than anything. Then, I wonder how we got to this place, where we lived the last few years as almost strangers. The point where a daughter, who only had eyes for her father, cut him out of her life so mercilessly.
“Ms. Burke?”
The familiar voice of the doctor brings me back to present time, to this cold waiting room surrounded by the warmth of the people that I love. My heartbeat accelerates as I stand up, coming face to face with the man who holds the answer to whether a future with my father exists. I feel a hand at the small of my back and I know it’s Alex. He takes his place by my side but I don’t look at him. I can’t. I can feel them all surrounding me. Victor, Elle, Gavin, Joe, Brooke, Rob and my mom. I have to force myself to ask the question. “How is he?” The doctor looks down toward the ground for a moment, maybe gathering his thoughts, I’m not sure, but when his gaze finally meets mine, no words are necessary. I know what he’s going to say before the words leave his mouth.
“Oh my God. No,” I whisper, covering my mouth with my hand. I can feel my body start to tremble.
“I’m so sorry, Ms. Burke. We did everything we could.”
“No,” I cry, feeling the walls closing in on me. I can’t hear anything but the sound of my own heartbeat thumping in my ears. Time slows down to a near standstill as I turn away from the doctor and lunge in Alex’s arms. Nothing else exists. No one else matters right now because I can feel myself losing it. I can feel the darkness trying to grab hold, and I know that he’s the only one who can guide me back. My knees buckle and I’m dangerously close to hitting the ground when Alex’s hold on me tightens. He lifts me up and carries me to the back of the waiting room. He sits us down in an empty chair and cradles me in his arms. I feel the endless tears streaming down my face, but I can’t register the fact that they belong to me. There’s nothing left to do but hold on, grab on tighter, and hope that he can keep me afloat before the grief consumes me.
“Let it out, baby,” he whispers. “Just let it out. I’ve got you.”
I close my eyes and fight the wave of nausea that hits. I clutch onto Alex’s shirt, trying but failing to get any closer. I need maximum contact right now. The only other man I’ve ever loved is dead, gone, just like that. One moment he was making plans to take in a football game with his daughter and her boyfriend, and the next he was gone. In the blink of an eye, he ceases to exist, and now Alex is all I have left, a man who I love but doesn’t even know it. He has no idea how much his presence means to me. On top of mourning the loss of my father, a jolt of fear hits me. A fear that I might lose Alex too. “He’s gone, Alex.”
“Shh, baby. I know, I know,” he murmurs softly.
“Please don’t leave me. Please,” I beg.
“Hey,” he says, cupping my face. “I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, okay? It’s always just you and me.”
I nod through my tears and burrow my face into his neck. “I can’t believe it. This isn’t real.”
His arms come around me again like steel beams holding me together. “I know, baby. I’ll take care of you.”
“Jordan?” I look up and see my mom standing there, looking down at me with tears in her eyes. Here I am lost in my own world of pain, oblivious to the fact that she’s lost the love of her life—twice.
“Oh, Mom. I’m so sorry,” I cry, standing up and pulling her into an embrace.
“I know, baby. I am too.” We hold each other like this for a long time, supporting each other. When we break apart, Elle is right there, pulling me into her arms. It feels surreal, like I just can’t find any reason in any of it, nothing seems right. When she lets me go, I find myself right back in Alex’s arms, feeding off his energy to sustain myself. He’s gone. The words repeat in my head over and over again until they no longer make any sense.
I’m not quite sure how much longer we’re at the hospital, but once Alex makes sure I’m not on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he gets me out of there and back to the hotel. I spend some time with my mom in her room while Alex picks up dinner, and once we’ve picked at our food, he takes me back to our room.
He goes into the bathroom and I can hear the shower start. I just stand in the middle of the room, frozen stiff, not knowing where to go or what to do next. He comes back and guides me into the bathroom, stripping himself until he’s naked then helping me do the same. We get in the shower and he positions me under the spray, letting the warm water loosen up my muscles as he washes this hellish day off my skin. While he massages my scalp, I let myself get lost in the sensation, letting my mind go blank, just enjoying how he makes me relax.
When he’s finally finished, Alex pulls me out of the shower and towels me dry. He helps me into my robe, which I don’t remember packing. I can only imagine Elle and Victor brought it up, or maybe they had Rob do it. He runs the towel through my hair until it’s as dry as it’s going to get then he tosses it on the floor. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the bedroom, only letting me go to pull down the covers. He doesn’t bother with pajamas. He just jerks his chin toward the bed, his silent cue for me to get in. I crawl in as he turns off the lights and settles in next to me. His arms circle my waist, pulling me closer to him until there’s no distance between us.
I think about how this day has unfolded. How it began with me being hopeful and culminated in being hopeless in a matter of hours, leaving me feeling empty and des
olate. No matter how firmly I hold on to the man lying next to me, no matter how close I try to get, it’s just not enough to fill the void.
I turn around and face him. I can barely make out his features in the darkness, but the warmth that radiates from him is unmistakable. “Alex,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Yeah, baby?” he replies, stroking my hair.
“Make love to me.”
He stops his hand and just stares at me for a moment. “Jordan, you’ve been through hell today.”
“Please. I need you. I need to feel alive and you’re the only one who can do that for me.”
“Baby—”
“Don’t make me beg.”
He doesn’t move. He just looks at me, as if he’s trying to read my body language, measure if I’m alright or completely out of my mind. He comes to some sort of conclusion, one that falls in my favor, because he leans in and puts his lips on my forehead, giving me a soft kiss. His hands travel down to the sash holding my robe together. He unties it then opens the robe up so that I’m completely bared to him. My legs fall open as he positions himself between them. The gentle kisses he places on my lips and neck start to awaken the desire in me, and as my body starts to move with his, I can feel him growing harder. It doesn’t take long before we’re both ready for more and he knows it. He reads my body perfectly. He enters me so slowly it’s almost painful, but once he’s there, seated deeply inside me, the void I felt earlier evaporates. Nothing else matters. There is no pain, no loss, and no guilt. It’s just me and him, always me and him, just like he promised. Alex starts to move slowly. I want to tell him to go faster, but I can sense his uncertainty about taking me when I’m in an emotional upheaval, so I don’t. I accept what he’s willing to give, and right now he can only give me slow and careful. I rock my hips in time with his and grab onto his back, pulling him as close to me as I can. I can feel my climax slowly building, and he increases his pace ever so slightly until it finally hits. It’s a dangerous way to fill up the emptiness, addictive, but I don’t care. I need this feeling of euphoria that washes over me whenever we connect. Even if it’s just for a minute, it’s enough. It has to be enough.
As my body comes down from its high, Alex brushes the skin under my eye with his thumb, and I realize that he’s wiping away tears that I didn’t even realize had fallen. “Don’t cry,” he pleads, quickly pulling out of me.
I shudder at the loss. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was crying.”
“You’re going to be okay, Jordan. I’m right here with you,” he says, pulling me into his arms. “We’ll get through it together.”
I let go of what little control I have left and allow myself to cry freely. Alex holds me, stroking my hair and back while whispering soothing words into my ear. I don’t know how long we lay like this with me sobbing uncontrollably, but eventually I drift off to sleep, hoping that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling a little less numb.
It feels good to finally be home. Sleeping in a hotel and spending all of your free time within the confines of a hospital is exhausting. Alex brought me straight home a few days ago, since I had to check all my work emails and finish up some outstanding projects. He’s been staying with me ever since. He never leaves me alone for long, but this morning he left to check on construction at the recording studio, and then he’s hitting the gym. The funeral was a few days ago. Alex was with me every step of the way, standing with me, holding my hand while people offered their condolences, and making sure that I had time to myself whenever I needed it. I still find it hard to believe that my dad is gone. Even though getting through his funeral was difficult, I’m relieved that it’s over. All that’s left to do now is to slowly pick up the pieces and put myself back together.
I’m in the kitchen, making myself a cup of coffee, when the doorbell rings. I make my way to the front door and look through the peephole to see Mark standing on the other side with his head down. This is the last thing I want to deal with right now, but my car is in the driveway so he knows I’m home. My only option is to open the door and try to get rid of him as quickly as possible.
I open the door and give him a hesitant smile. “Hey, what are you doing here?” I really am surprised to see him. After the showdown with Alex, I honestly thought I’d never see Mark again. He walks past me, moving toward the living room, then turns back around to face me.
“I heard about your dad. I just wanted to drop by and see how you were doing and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I stopped by a couple days ago but you weren’t home, so I thought I’d try you today.”
“That’s really nice of you, Mark. Thank you. It’s been tough and I’m sad, but I’m feeling a little bit better every day.”
He nods his head and gives me a slight smile. “I’m glad that you’re feeling better. I know you weren’t that close, but I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.” He looks around the house, his gaze wandering across the open layout. “Your boyfriend here?”
I shake my head. “No, Alex had to go to work. But he should be back soon.” I’m not sure why I throw that in there but something is telling me that it’s important to establish that Alex is returning, nothing has changed, and I’m still unavailable to him.
He puts his hand on his hips and lowers his head. He stays that way for a while. It’s making me uncomfortable because I know what’s coming. He lifts his head and his eyes are warm. I can see the love in them as he looks at me longingly. “I thought if I gave you space, you’d eventually come back to me. I thought you’d miss me and realize how good we were together.”
Yup, this is the last thing I want to be discussing right now. I’m already struggling with the guilt about shutting my father out of my life, and now I have Mark throwing his feelings in my face. I knew I broke his heart. That was never a surprise. The surprise is that he hasn’t been able to move forward.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to, not consciously, anyway.”
He crosses the room, stopping just a few feet away from me. “Do you love him?”
I don’t hesitate to answer him. “Yes,” I reply, and it’s the truth. Just because Alex doesn’t know it yet, doesn’t make it any less real.
“Why him and not me?”
God, I hate this line of questioning. How does one answer a question like that? Is there even a right answer? One that won’t hurt him even further? I shrug my shoulders. “He just gets me in a way that no one else does.”
“I would have tried,” he says with a tilt of his head.
“That’s just it. He doesn’t have to try, he just does.”
He gives me the sad smile that I’ve gotten used to over the past year. “Alright. I’m sorry to have brought any of this up. It’s really not why I came here. I just want you to be happy, and now that I know you are, I won’t be back.”
“Mark.”
“No, Jordan, I’m good,” he says coming closer to me. “Now give me a hug so I can get out of here.”
I comply with his request. There’s no harm in hugging him goodbye if he really means what he says. I let his arms circle around me and pull me into a tight embrace. It’s awkward, uncomfortable even, because I don’t feel for him what I used to. A hug from Alex is enough to ignite me. With Mark, I feel nothing. I start to back away, but before I can, his lips are on mine. I’m stunned for a moment, but the clicking sound of the front door opening startles me out of my shocked state. I quickly pull away from Mark and turn to see Alex standing in the doorway, looking nothing short of murderous.
“Am I interrupting something?” he says, glaring at Mark. I’ve never seen Alex look so cold and angry before. It’s intimidating. I open my mouth to speak but Mark gets there before me.
“I was just leaving.” He turns to me. “I really am sorry about your dad.”
I say nothing. I just watch him walk past me and stop where Alex is standing. “Take care of her. She deserves it,” he says.
Alex says
nothing and Mark doesn’t wait. He walks out and closes the door behind him, effectively closing me in here with a furious Alex.
“Alex,” I say, walking up to him. “It’s not what you think.”
He stares at me for a moment before walking away from me. He hangs his keys on the hook and tosses his gym bag by the door. He walks past me and heads for the stairs.
“Alex,” I call out, hating that he’s mad at me. I understand why he’s upset but he needs to know that nothing happened. “Please talk to me,” I plead.
He turns around and comes back to me.
“Did you fuck him?” he asks, anger dripping from his voice.
I’m not sure why the question makes me mad, but it does. It’s not like I can’t see why he would ask. It’s a perfectly acceptable question under the circumstances, but I’m in such a state of dismay and this is the last thing I need to hear. I don’t even think about it before I react. It’s like I have no control over my own actions. The sound of my palm connecting with his cheek is what finally brings me out of my own head. I’m shaking now as I look at him. His eyes are wide with a scary mixture of disbelief and anger. I stumble backwards, not only afraid of what he may do to me, but shocked that I actually hit him.
“That’s a good idea. Back away from me.” His voice is slow and unsteady. He’s clearly trying to get himself under control and I pray that he does. I’ve never been physically afraid of him before, but he looks like he’s on the edge of breaking.
“I didn’t mean to do that,” I say, teeth chattering and hands shaking.
“Once,” he spits out. “I’ll let you get away with that once.”
The trembling and fear are replaced by anger. I may be cautious, but one thing I’ve never done is back down from a fight, and I don’t appreciate the threat. “What? You’re going to hit me back?”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I would never lay a hand on you, but I’m not going to stand here and let you slap me either.”
Desperation of Love Page 13