He appears to want to make a move toward me but he hesitates. Gavin must be able to sense the tension and decides to excuse himself. “It’s cool. I need a new beer anyway. I’ll catch you later,” he says, giving Alex a chin lift.
Once Gavin is out of earshot, I attempt to start up a conversation. “I want to talk to you about earlier.”
His eyes are cold. He’s clearly upset and he’s not going to make this easy for me. But he takes a long look at me and I think he sees my sadness, because he lets out a sigh and relaxes his posture. “It’s fine, Jordan. I don’t want you to worry about it, okay? We’ll talk about it tonight …”
The sound of the door opening pulls his attention away from me. His eyes grow wide, like he’s shocked by whoever has just walked in. I turn in the direction of the foyer, where a man has just entered. He’s older, in his early sixties, maybe. He has dark brown hair, brown eyes and olive skin. I can tell immediately that he’s Alex’s dad. There’s no denying the family resemblance but I’m surprised to see him here. His relationship with his sons has been strained, to say the least. After Lucia and he divorced, he picked up and moved to Puerto Rico and has had limited contact with any of them since.
“What are you doing here, Miguel?” Lucia asks. She’s turned white as a ghost, and if I had to take an educated guess, it appears that he wasn’t invited to this little get together. Alex and Victor both stand frozen and guarded, neither of them knowing what to do or say.
Miguel glares at his ex-wife. “Can’t I come congratulate my son and his beautiful wife on their new baby?” he questions, making it sound like it’s the most natural thing for him to have intruded in this family gathering. The level of animosity between the two of them is palpable. Alex and I are amateurs at arguing compared to these two. There’s an awkward silence in the room and you could cut the tension with a knife.
Lucia finally gets her bearings and gives him all the snark she can muster. “Why would you come now when you weren’t invited? You weren’t even at the wedding. You know, he event you were actually invited to?” she spits out.
Elle has now made her way over to Victor. He grabs her hand and holds her close. He doesn’t seem to be happy about this visit either. While Alex hasn’t made a move, I’m pretty sure he’s waiting to see how this plays out before he says a word.
“I had my reasons for not coming to the wedding, which I shared with Victor. He forgave me for that.” His voice is slightly elevated and I can tell that he’s trying to remain composed. I watch Joe and Gavin from the corner of my eye. They move closer to the action, letting Elle know that they’re there for her.
Rob positions himself between Lucia and Miguel. “Do you want me to escort your father out?” He directs the question to Victor, who shakes his head. No matter what goes down, Victor is not the type of man that would just kick his father out of his home.
He lets out a sigh of frustration and finally speaks. “Mom, Dad, now is not the time or the place, okay? I just brought my daughter home from the hospital.” He’s trying to play the peacemaker between the two of them, but I’m not so sure it’s even possible.
“Of course, son. You’re right,” Miguel says, walking over to Victor and pulling him in for a hug. He gives him a pat on the back and holds onto him for a moment.
“What about your other son?” asks Lucia, her voice dripping with pure and utter loathing. Alex does nothing. He just stands there watching the battle unfold. All I can do is stare at the progression, seeing them throw Alex into the mix, but I swear to God, if they say one thing to hurt him, I’ll lose my mind.
Miguel scoffs at her. “You’re right. He’s my son. Mine. So, why would you even care?” My spine goes straight and my body tenses up in fear because I know what’s coming. I’m just praying that they have the decency to pull Alex off to the side and not do this in front of a crowd. My heart is racing and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do.
“What the hell are you two fighting about? You aren’t making any sense.” Alex finally speaks up, walking over to the group, leaving me standing alone. I want to move with him, but my feet feel like lead. I don’t think I could move if I tried. Miguel looks at Alex and gives him a genuine smile. I can see the love he has for his son instantly, but I see something more. Regret, maybe? I can tell that he’s conflicted, but I also know that he’s going to drop the bomb anyway, and I absolutely hate him for it. Good people don’t always do the right thing, I get that, but this … this is beyond wrong. It’s just devastating.
“I’m making perfect sense, Alex,” he says, shaking his head. “Don’t you ever wonder why you’ve always been her second best?”
“Miguel!” Lucia shrieks, looking both horrified and scared. She’s panic-stricken and I never thought I’d say that I feel sorry for this woman, but today, I do. She was put into an impossible situation and she made mistakes, but she really does love Alex. She just went about it all wrong for too long.
“Why the fuck would you say that? Alex is no one’s second best,” Victor yells.
Alex turns toward his brother. “No. It’s okay, bro. You know that I love you. There’s no one in this family that I love more and I would never hold it against you, but it’s true. You are her golden boy and that’s the way it’s always been.”
Lucia walks over and cups Alex’s face in her hands. “You and I have talked about this. In your heart, you know that’s not true. In your heart, you know that I love you, Alex. I do. I love you both.”
“You love him as much as you could love a child that isn’t yours,” Miguel says., Lucia gasps, releasing her hold on Alex. I’m completely rooted to my spot now, terrified to hear the rest. Terrified at how Alex is going to react to this admission.
“What the fuck are you saying?” Alex says.
Lucia tries to retain Alex’s attention by standing between him and Miguel. “Nothing! He’s not saying anything. You are my son, no matter what. No matter what he tries to tell you, you’re always my son. I’ve made mistakes in the past. I lost my way, lost sight of what’s important, and I’ll regret it till the day that I die. But, Alex, you are my son. I love you more than anything.” She’s on the verge of tears and my heart breaks for her. I know that she wanted to tell him in her own time once she repaired their already fragile relationship, and I wish for her that she would have had the chance.
“Except that you aren’t her son.” The room goes completely silent. He has the floor now. All eyes are on Miguel. “I had an affair a year after Lucia and I got married. I’m not proud of that, but I was young and stupid. That affair resulted in a pregnancy. Your real mother died in childbirth, Alex. I didn’t know what else to do, so I came clean to Lucia and we took you in. She wasn’t happy about it at first, but she got used to it. She learned to love you in her own way. You were so good and you were only a baby. It was hard not to fall in love with you.” He takes a breath, looks at Victor and then continues. “But when her biological son was born, her pride and joy, you and I got thrown by the wayside, cast away like we were of no importance. You were never good enough for her again, you know that, and neither was I.”
“What are you talking about? That can’t be true,” Alex demands. His voice is strained and I know he’s reeling from all the information he’s just heard.
“Why are you doing this?” Victor asks, visibly shaken.
“Because I’m tired of being cast as the villain. Do you think it’s easy for me to know that I became a grandfather through the grapevine? It’s not. It’s my right to be a part of your lives and it’s time for you to both know the truth. I was always made out to be the bad one. Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but I loved my boys and I tried to do the best I could. Everything was okay,” he says, turning to Alex, “when it was just you, it was okay. Then Victor was born and I could see the subtle differences in how she would treat you, like you were less important. I put up with it for a very long time, but as you grew older, you learned to let it go, be independent. I j
ust couldn’t let it go the way you did. I couldn’t live like that anymore. Alex, you’re a better man than I am because you stuck around, but when you were old enough to defend yourself, I left.”
“Stop this,” Lucia sobs. “What are you getting from turning my son against me?” She looks about ready to crumble, like she might just fall into pieces all over the floor.
“He’s not your son, he’s mine. He needed to know. It’s time for him to know why he always had to live in Victor’s shadow.” There’s nothing but contempt in his voice.
“That had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I wanted to be a singer so I gravitated to Victor, because we had that in common, not because I didn’t love Alex.”
“Enough already!” Alex yells. He clenches his fists at his sides, the pain in his eyes evident. “It makes perfect sense now. All of it. Why I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for you, Mom. Why I could never do anything right in your eyes. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? Maybe it would have made it easier growing up in that house.” He pauses, and I can tell he’s thinking back to his childhood. “I can’t do this right now,” he says, turning to Victor. “I can’t do this.” He’s looking at him intently. It’s as if they’re having a conversation with their eyes and only they can decipher what’s being conveyed. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Alex, wait,” I yell, coming unstuck. I quickly make it to his side. ”I’m coming with you.”
He looks almost surprised to see me. I think he must have forgotten I was here. “No. Just stay here. I can’t handle you, too.”
“I’m not leaving you alone,” I whisper.
“Jordan.”
The way he says my name is like a warning and I know that it’s now or never. I can’t let him walk out of here without me, not like this. I grab his hand and hope that he hears me.
“I love you. I’m not letting you go like this.” I can hear the collective intakes of breath from our friends and family. I’ve definitely just shocked them, but I don’t care. The only thing that matters now is telling Alex how I feel.
“You love me?” Alex questions with nothing but hurt in his eyes. ”I can’t believe you’re doing this now. Get a clue. You don’t know what love is, princess.” He moves to turn around, and for the first time ever, I feel the desperation of love. The overwhelming feeling of fear as the person you want the most in the world walks away. That feeling can destroy you. I lunge forward and throw my arms around his neck, coming up on my tiptoes, and bury my face in his chest. “Don’t leave me here. Please, take me with you. I don’t want you to be alone right now. Please, baby.” I’m practically begging now, but I don’t care. I can feel everyone’s eyes on us, a mixture of shock and confusion, from what they’ve just learned about Alex and now what they’re hearing from me.
He brings his hands up to my wrists and pulls me off him. “No. You can’t say you love me when it’s convenient for you, not after I’ve spent the last few weeks practically groveling at your feet.” His words are harsh but true. My eyes burn with unshed tears. I can’t let them fall, not here. Alex stares at me and I’m not sure what he sees, but all of a sudden, it’s like he’s having a moment of clarity. His eyes go wide and he shakes his head in disbelief.
“Oh my God,” he says softly. His voice is flat, dead even. “You knew. You knew I wasn’t her son, didn’t you?”
I can feel the bile rising in my throat. I want to lie, to protect myself, because I’m hoping there is still a chance for us, but it would only make a terrible situation that must worse. So I say nothing.
“That’s why you were so chummy at the hospital yesterday, wasn’t it? Because she told you?” He just glares at me as I try to find the words to explain how it all happened, that I didn’t want to keep it from him. “Tell me the truth!” He screams at me and I take a step back. “No, don’t you dare back away from me now like I’m going to hurt you. You tell me the fucking truth now!”
My lip is trembling now. It’s a struggle not to break down, but I refuse to lose it because I know that I haven’t done anything wrong. “I knew.”
“Get the fuck away from me, Jordan,” he spits out.
At this point, I get completely up in his face. “Alex! I only found out two days ago. I wanted to tell you but it wasn’t my story to tell. I thought it would be better for you to hear it straight from your mom and I promised her I’d give her the chance. What else was I supposed to do?”
“You were supposed to tell me, the man who you supposedly love. That’s what the fuck you were supposed to do,” he yells. I can feel Elle take my back, her hand on my shoulder as I drop my head. “Look at me, Jordan,” he commands in his harshest tone. I do what he says, resigned to my fate. I know that I’ve lost him. “We’re done. I never want to see you again.”
“It’s not her fault,” Lucia says through her sobs. “I made her swear not to say anything. Don’t blame her, Alex. She loves you.”
“Do not speak to me about love,” he says, turning toward his mother and father. “You don’t know what love is. Either of you! And, just for the record, as far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a mother or a father.”
He pats Victor on the back and walks out the door, slamming it on the way out. I can’t hold it in any longer. I can’t make myself be strong. The pain is just too much. I’m on overload, devastated and desperate for Alex all in the same breath. I’m broken by the pain that he must feel right now, and for the heartbreak I feel for having waited too long to accept what I was feeling, the love I have for him. All I can do is let it out, let the pain seep through my body over the loss of him in my life. The tears fall freely from my face and I’m so numb that I barely feel Elle’s arms come around me.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were in love with him? I knew you guys were messing around but I had no idea how you felt about him,” she questions, her voice full of concern. I grab onto my best friend and let go, tears streaming and my body shaking. She pulls me away from the disturbing family reunion and leads me to the family room. We sit down on the plush couch as I try my hardest to rein in my emotions.
“I’m sorry, Elle. I should have said something but I was so confused. I was trying to deny my feelings and I kept pushing him away and now he’s gone. I lost him.”
I want to go after him, to tell him that I’m sorry and that I get it, that I understand better than anyone the impact of the blow he’s just received, but I know Alex well enough to realize that he won’t see me. When he said that he was done, he meant it. I’ve just run out of chances.
What do you do when you learn that everything you once believed in was nothing but a lie? I have no idea where to go or what to do so I go home, pack a bag and book the first flight out of New Jersey. My mom … Jesus Christ, I can’t even comprehend the fact that the woman who I thought was my mother is really nothing more than a stranger. She treated me like an unwanted stepchild for so many years and I could never understand why. I never knew what I did wrong to make her look at me at the way that she did, to make her treat me like I was a nuisance. Now I get it, and I wish I didn’t because the truth is, it hurts like a bitch. What’s worse is that my father let me live a lie and when it was no longer working for him, he just up and left, leaving me with no adult to defend me. There was no one to have my back. And if all that wasn’t enough, then there’s Jordan …
I know I shouldn’t have left her standing there like that this morning, but when I told her I loved her and she didn’t say it back, I had to get the fuck out of there. I may have let my own insecurities get the best of me, and because of that, I didn’t even give her a chance to speak. I’ve built up all my happiness around Jordan and to have her make excuses as to why she doesn’t love me was just too much for me to handle. But I know where she’s coming from, because for a very long time, I was just like her. Never getting too serious about anyone, taking what I needed to satisfy myself and then shutting it down. The difference between me and Jordan is that I wasn’t af
raid to fall in love, I just chose not to. My life had revolved around my family and work for so long and I just didn’t want to drag anyone into that kind of life. But when things changed and my life finally became my own, getting Jordan was the first thing I set my sights on.
Maybe I should have let her say whatever she needed to say back there, but I just wasn’t ready to hear that she didn’t return my feelings. We could have gotten past that part. I would have been willing to wait for as long as it took for her to come around, but I just couldn’t mask the disappointment I felt. I could see the panic as it struck her delicate features and then the sadness when I turned away. There’s no point in dwelling on it now, it’s over. This was supposed to be a good day, my niece coming home, and I thought that I just had to make it through the day and then I could deal with me and Jordan, but now … Now I don’t know how to feel about her. God, she knew and she didn’t say anything. How can I possibly forgive her? How can I ever move on from that kind of betrayal? Then for her to blurt out that she loved me at the worst possible time. I don’t know what to believe anymore? Can I trust anything that she even says to me? I’ve wanted her to tell me how she felt for weeks, but shit, that whole scene was like an out of body experience. I had no choice but to leave. Get out of there as fast as I could and clear my head.
Desperation of Love Page 16