The Colour of Broken

by Amelia Grace

  I rolled onto my back and looked up at the sky. I thought I could hear her singing. I sat up and untied the laces to my steel-capped safety work boots. I took them off and placed them next to her headstone.

  ‘I don’t need these anymore. I figured they would keep you laughing, because I would wear them with every type of clothing, everywhere. It was so uncouth! Sometimes, I even wore them to bed, mud and all. Underneath them I carved some pictures. On the right shoe is a flower garden with you and me sitting together—we’re groovy stick people. You’re sticking your tongue out at me.’ I smiled. ‘On the other right shoe—remember our joke—I carved your name backwards with a heart, so everywhere I walked, I would leave your name, and you would never be forgotten. You’d be with me, always.’

  I lay on my stomach on top of Mia’s grave again and spread my arms wide, like I was hugging her.

  My tears came, heavily. ‘You know how we both wanted to be clean-skins—no tattoos—and made a pinky promise? Well, I broke our promise. I have a tattoo. I had to take my shirt and bra off to have it tattooed. The tattoo artist smiled when I exposed my chest to him! I have a heart over my heart, with your name in it ... I love you forever, Mia. Xander will probably get jealous of the tattoo if he ever sees me naked. He’s under the tree watching us. He has the most beautiful soul, and a luminous heart. I’m totally in love with him but I haven’t told him yet. I wanted to make sure that you liked him first.’

  I stilled when a breeze came from nowhere, and upon it the scent of Mia’s favourite perfume—J’adore by Dior—the lovely rose and jasmine notes. I smiled. ‘I’ll take that as a yes.’

  I kissed my hand and blew it towards the sky to Mia. ‘Make sure you’re dancing with the angels up there. I’ll come and join you one day, far in the future. I love you, Mia, forever and a day.’

  I wiped my eyes and stood, took a deep breath then walked over to Xander with bare feet, the soft green grass caressing each of my steps. He wrapped his arms around me, being careful of my shoulder.

  He kissed my forehead. ‘Are you wearing perfume?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘What do you smell?’

  ‘Rose and something else.’

  ‘Me too,’ I said, and wiped away a tear, profoundly aware that I felt my own colour shift.

  I was no longer the colour of broken—the colour of crackled dark gray with an “a” with other colours that seeped out ... drips of red for anger, specks of black for self-hate, blushes of pink for my love for Mia and my family, and explosions of turquoise that screamed at me to love myself.

  I was now grey with an “e”, where deep thought, philosophy and ponderings happened, and it would vanish without leaving a bitter aftertaste.

  I smiled. My heart felt lighter. ‘I’m ready to go.’

  Chapter Forty

  THERE WAS A NOTE IN THE FLOWERS of Gram’s bicycle basket. I pulled it out and opened it.

  Dear Yolande,

  I found a tree you will adore.

  Be waiting for me at 6pm.

  Love Alexander *

  I smiled and folded the note and pushed it into my pocket. I couldn’t wait for 6pm.

  *~*~*~*~*

  I sat on the steps of Flowers for Fleur at 5.55 and waited.

  On the dot of six, Xander arrived with perfect timing. He got out of his car and opened the door for me. I stood, and waved my hands about at him while I walked towards his car.

  ‘I know. But I’m looking after you,’ he said.

  Xander stopped at the familiar hall where we used to practise our ballroom dancing. He held my hand and pulled me around to the yard behind the hall. He turned to me with a huge smile on his face as a tree came into view. A very large, old tree, with the best climbing branches I'd ever seen. Mia would have loved it.

  Xander stopped before the tree. He gazed into my eyes and ran his fingers down my arm, leaving a trail of fire in its wake, before he squatted down and removed my shoes.

  ‘You go first. I’m right behind you,’ he said.

  I looked up at the branches and climbed, giggling. When I found the perfect branch, I sat on it, swinging my legs.

  Xander sat next to me, our thighs touching.

  I inhaled his scent—a spicy blend of cedarwood and cocoa-vanilla, that reminded me of slumbering in a hammock on a hot summer day, and watermelon and iced tea. I drew in a calming breath. His presence was making me all gooey la-la.

  ‘It’s a beautiful tree,’ I said.

  ‘It depends,’ he said.

  ‘On what?’ I asked.

  He pulled my hand into his, and a heavenly tingle shot up my arm. ‘On whether you’re staying here or going back to the base.’

  I lifted my finger to his jaw-line and traced it. My heart thudded as the silence stretched between us. ‘I’ve taken leave ... for a little while ... for Gram.’

  Xander breathed deeply. ‘I like that you’ve taken leave,’ he said. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, they were filled with light.

  My breath hitched, and I was suddenly aware I had never felt like this; lit up, made new.

  ‘I thought you would,’ I whispered. He was turning my insides into all kinds of crazy.

  He shifted his gaze from my eyes to my lips, and I was filled with nervous energy. I looked away and ran my fingers over the rough bark of the tree branch. I needed to change our focus before my desire intensified for him. ‘What disease did you decide to study in biomedical science?’ I asked.

  ‘Meniere’s. I’m going to be the one to find a cure!’

  ‘Gram will love you then.’ I leaned into him, enjoying the spark arcing between us, making my knees feel weak.

  ‘I think she already does,’ he said, his eyes connecting to mine.

  ‘Somehow, I think she does too,’ I said, bathing in the adoration I saw in his eyes. ‘What about your dancing, Prince Siegfried?’

  Xander’s eyes sparkled and a captivating smile spread over his beautiful face. ‘I’m not giving it up. I’ll find a balance between dancing and research.’

  My heart smiled, and the sunset seemed more spectacular than I had ever seen before. I cast my eyes to where heaven touched the earth, painting the sky with the glorious colours of scarlet, tangerine, dusty pink and violet. It was breathtakingly majestic, and filled with hope.

  We sat in the tree in silence, our fingers entwined, then he tucked my hand between both of his, holding on as if I was someone to be adored and protected.

  ‘The rain is coming. We should go,’ Xander said. He climbed down the tree, branch by branch, and I followed.

  As I approached the lower section of the tree trunk, Xander put his hands on my waist like a danseur would. He helped me to a soft landing on the grass and I turned and smiled at him.

  He stilled and gazed into my eyes, and I became lost in the intense hypnotic love that swirled there. ‘Will you be mine, now?’ he asked, his voice wavering.

  I exhaled a slow breath between my lips, trying to control the exhilarating, and terrifying feeling flashing through me like an electrical storm.

  Xander tilted his head to the side a little, his eyes smouldering.

  ‘I ... I—’

  He placed his finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. I felt the pull of his blue eyes, his soul caressing mine. I placed my hand on the side of his face, his skin warm to the touch, and looked at his sensuous lips. I ran my thumb over them, needing him to kiss me.

  I closed my eyes as his soft lips touched mine. Once. Twice. Caressing. Lingering. Sending a warmth through every cell of my body, awakening parts of me I now allowed to open. He pulled away slightly, his lips still touching, and I sagged against him, overcome with intoxicating pleasure that seeped into all those broken crevices inside me, healing.

  Our lips parted. ‘Please don’t run from me this time,’ he whispered. His gaze searched mine, as if he was looking for something.

  The first drops of rain began to fall as I pressed my hand to his chest, over his heart. His hand cover
ed mine, and the gentleness of it took my breath away. His gaze shifted from my eyes, to my lips, and back to my eyes, with a vulnerability that sent a ripple of pain through my chest.

  His eyes softened with tenderness then, and I became completely lost in him, bathing in the love and light he offered me. He frowned. ‘I love you, be mine …’ he said, his voice barely audible.

  My breath caught, and tears stung my eyes. I had something to give him—my heart.

  ‘Yes,’ I whispered, profoundly aware of my beautiful new colour shift, filled with calescent pink like in the centre of a cherry blossom flower, reminding me of a cloudless, warm spring day, sitting under a Kawazuzakura cherry tree beside a peaceful blue lake, breathing in a hint of the floral, bitter sweet aroma.

  I gazed into his luminous blue eyes and breathed deeply, inhaling his scent of blended spicy cedarwood and cocoa-vanilla. Warmth rushed through me as his colour shone brightly: indigo-blue, swirling with healing turquoise.

  Xander brushed a ringlet of hair from my face, his brows creased with barely controlled emotion, then our eyes locked. I rose up onto my tiptoes, my lips close to his, and felt a sacred energy flowing between us as he moved his mouth to mine, his lips caressing with a tenderness that splintered everything, and changed everything as our souls touched.

  I closed my eyes and bathed in the ecstasy of the sensual, unconditional love that bound our hearts, our minds, and our essence, while time stood still.

  And in that moment I knew, that I, Yolande Lawrence-Harrison, was no longer the colour of broken ...

  The artwork of Yolande,

  created in her studio haven, from Chapter Nineteen.

  Meniere's Disease

  Prosper Menière (18 June 1799 – 7 February 1862) was a French doctor who first identified a medical condition combining vertigo, hearing loss and tinnitus, which is now known as Menière's disease. It’s a disorder of the inner ear.

  Very briefly, Meniere's disease causes episodes of:

  vertigo (episodes of feeling like the world is spinning)

  tinnitus - ranging from mild to severe.

  a feeling of fullness or pressure in the ear,

  sudden falls without loss of consciousness (drop attacks) may be experienced by some people, or a a sensation of being pushed sharply to the floor from behind.

  low-frequency hearing loss, which usually fluctuates in the beginning stages and becomes more permanent in later stages, so that little or no hearing remains.

  a common and important symptom of MD is hypersensitivity to sounds, also known as hyperacusis.

  Attacks may be characterized by periods of remission and exacerbation. After a severe attack, most people find that they are extremely exhausted and must sleep for several hours. People with Meniere's disease may suffer from psychological distress, high anxiety and depression.

  It is important to note that many people suffering from MD lead productive,

  near-normal lives; others face greater challenges in coping.

  There is no cure for Meniere’s disease - yet. But with advances in medicine and research, there is always hope for a cure.

  Further Information and Support

  Brain Foundation Australia

  http://brainfoundation.org.au/disorders/menieres-disease

  Meniere’s Research Fund Inc.

  https://menieresresearchaustralia.org/

  Whirled Foundation (Australia) - support for chronic imbalance sufferers

  whirledfoundation.org

  Meniere Society - UK

  www.menieres.org.uk

  Vestibular Disorders Association - USA

  http://vestibular.org/menieres-disease

  MEDICAL DISCLAIMER:

  The information provided is designed to support, not replace, the relationship that exists between a patient and his/her existing health care professionals.

  SUICIDE/CRISIS HELP: The events in this book are fictional. However, if you are feeling suicidal, visit Suicide.org for a list for worldwide numbers to call

  http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

  or 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-784-2433

  Suicide is never the answer. Getting help is the answer. Take my hand ...

  Acknowledgements

  This novel kept nudging me to write it for two years but I kept shutting it down because emotionally I wasn't ready to write it. Once I allowed myself to begin to engage with the characters in my mind and on paper, the story fell onto the pages. It’s a story that had to be told, trying to give a true representation of what living with Meniere's disease is really like, warts and all—no sugar coating, no brushing over it, no minimizing the symptoms. If you have Meniere's disease, this book is to honour you, and your families, who can only look on as spectators of your life. I have written The Colour of Broken with dedication, passion, and a deluge of tears.

  My biggest thanks goes to my husband, for his forever support and understanding that writing is the only place where I can escape from my incurable disease.

  Thank you to my three children, who have all at some time or another, stood beside my bed and held my hand for a little bit, while I suffered from the torturous violent vertigo. Take my hand ...

  A heartfelt thank you to my dear mum and dad, who always dropped everything the moment I went into a spinning session (I use to call it a SPAT – spinning attack), which was often, and would come to take care of my three kids, and me.

  A huge thanks to my beta readers - Michelle Upton, Sheree Kennington, Belinda Hind, Alice Wooley, David C. (psychiatric nurse) & V. Mujunen (psychologist). Your feedback was gold.

  A massive thank you also to my editor and ARC readers <3

  And to you, the reader of this novel, thank you for choosing to read my fictional story. It means more to me than you can ever know! <3 <3 <3

  Finally, thank you to my Creator, for always carrying me through the terrifying storm, for giving me hope when it felt like there was none, and for giving me a Light to hold on to in the darkness so I could find my way back home.

  Novels by Amelia Grace

  available at online bookstores

  A Beautiful Heart Quadrilogy

  One Last Wish https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01NCVHGIA

  Say Something https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MZF147P

  Never Forget https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XDCJLZD

  Zedekiah https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071KJ6NW8

  Embodiment https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N80U44O

  The Book Keeper https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06X9VCQMF

  Picture Books by Julieann Wallace

  available at online bookstores

  Raising money for research (and a cure) for Meniere’s Disease:

  Vanilla Swirl https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NBRI786

  Blueberry Swirl https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WQJOK18

  Other picture books:

  Lily’s Lollies http://www.lillypillypublishing.com/product-page/lily-s-lollies

  Henry’s Hooter https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078K7HRTK

  THING http://www.lillypillypublishing.com/product-page/thing-illustrator-wanted

  THINGY http://www.lillypillypublishing.com/product-page/thingy-illustrator-wanted

  Darth https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NBTYOQS