What he’d shown me had changed nothing—it had only confirmed what he’d told me on the transport yesterday. Yet seeing it through his eyes had changed everything.
I slid my head forward on the pillow until our lips were almost touching. “I forgive you,” I whispered, giving him a careful kiss. I felt his chest swell as he took a deep breath. He rubbed his nose against my cheek.
“I understand this is a complication we’re not well equipped to deal with right now. I know you’re frightened, and I know you feel unsure about us.” He hesitated, and I swallowed, waiting for the rest. But the rest turned out not to be what I was expecting. “I shouldn’t have pressured you yesterday—I think I was feeling threatened by Ian. I’m ready to accept whatever decision you make.”
“Murphy…” My heart drummed an unsteady rhythm. “I keep getting the feeling that you … that you want this baby, and I can’t understand it. You have choices too. You have a home and a family on another world. I’m sure you can find a way to get back to them. Why would you choose running and hiding? An alien child? An uncertain future?”
Murphy pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. “Elizabeth, there’s so much I want to say to you. But every other word out of your mouth convinces me you’re not ready to hear it. I won’t take any more choices away from you. But I want you to know … I will do everything in my power to protect you both, always.”
I stared at him, stunned, and half-afraid of the things he was saying. He reached out his arm and pulled me close, giving me time to absorb what he’d said. With my ear against his chest, I listened to the rhythms of his body.
I had begun to doze in his arms when he stiffened and murmured, “Jesus and Mary.”
I felt his hands fidgeting behind me, and then he drew his arm around and held something under my nose.
I sniffed it—a bright, herbal smell. Lavender. I took it from his hand. “Where did you get this?”
“It’s coming up beside the bed,” he said with a laugh.
I rolled onto my side to look, and sure enough—spikes of lavender poked up between the bedding and the wall. I ran a hand over the pointy, purple-gray tops.
Our bond had made clover. Now lavender. I wondered—had our bond made our baby, as well? Mitchell said it had never happened before. If the problems between ghosts and colonists had been affecting other life on the planet, why not ghost fertility?
Murphy scooted closer, pressing against my back. He nuzzled through my hair until I could feel his breath on my neck. A shiver of pleasure rippled from the base of my skull to the small of my back. “Um…”
“God knows I’ve been trying to give you space,” he murmured, “but I can’t take it anymore.” His hand slid down my side, coming to rest on my hip. His fingers made subtle, caressing movements into my shirt.
“Murphy,” I breathed, as his fingertips trailed electricity across my skin. I reached for his hand, stilling his fingers against me. “Remember what Julia said.”
“Mmm, thank you for reminding me. She said I have to stay in bed.”
“You are delusional,” I laughed. “I should let you try it just to teach you a lesson.”
“You have the best ideas, love.” He planted kisses down the back of my neck, and lifted my shirt. I rolled toward him, and as he tried to bend his head to my breasts he gave a deep groan—not of excitement.
“Murphy—”
“Shhh.” He closed his lips over mine, and after a few of the gentlest possible kisses I tasted blood.
“That’s enough. I’ll have to seal you up again now. If you scar those lips I’ll never forgive you.”
“I thought you hated my lips.”
“True, I do.”
He sighed loudly, rolling onto his back. “You do have a hard heart.”
“Go ahead and sulk. It’s not going to work this time.”
But it was working. What he’d shared of his conversation with Mitchell had erased any remaining resentment I’d felt about his decision. After that, he’d made declarations I’d never forget. I wanted to do something for him. And God knows I wanted it for myself.
“Give me your hand, Murphy.”
Lacing my fingers with his, I closed my eyes. The connection was almost instantaneous this time. I let my mind travel back to our night together at the institute.
I heard the breath hiss through Murphy’s teeth.
I’d had no idea what to expect, but there would have been no predicting this. Memories were not stored with such rich detail; from my neurology courses I knew this. This was more precise and intense than memory. It felt like traveling to the past.
We had no control over what was happening—we were along for the ride. But that had its benefits too. No decisions, no second-guessing, no doubting whether it was the right thing to be doing. I was aware of the thoughts I’d had at the time as we passed through them—and he must have been as well—but they were partly drowned out by the emotions elicited by this second time around. And he opened himself to me, letting me feel what he was feeling, both then and now.
It was a complicated, layered, delicious tangle of sensation and desire. We focused on what was pleasurable, sidestepping the fears of the moment. The incredible guilt Murphy had felt at the time, even as he’d sacrificed to protect me.
We came out of it to find our clothes half off and our hands on each other. But nobody was bloodied or (further) maimed—and Murphy had a big smile on his face.
I let my head fall against his chest, holding him close and whispering, “Don’t you ever call me hard-hearted again.”
“Never, love … you’re an angel of mercy.”
* * *
We had a skylight and a small window over the sink that were both mostly useless due to the fact we were living in a cave, but they let in enough light for me to see the sun had risen. I carefully extracted myself from Murphy’s arms and went to the bathroom. The apartment was cold, and I tried to hurry so I could crawl back under the covers. But no sooner had I finished than my stomach gave an unpleasant lurch. Stumbling out to the kitchen, I choked down a crust of stale bread from yesterday’s breakfast.
“Come back to bed,” mumbled Murphy. “It’s freezing in here.”
I walked over and stood beside him, and he reached for my hand. “Are you all right? You look … the wrong color.”
“It’s just the light.” I sank down on the edge of the bed and started pulling on my pants.
“Now don’t do that, love.”
“I’m just going out for a bit. It’s like being shut up belowdecks on a ship in here. I even feel seasick.”
Murphy frowned. “I’m not an expert on these things, but I don’t think it’s seasickness.”
“Hmm, maybe not.” I bent and kissed his lips, which were closer to their normal size. “I’ll be back soon.”
He touched my cheek. “Don’t go too far.”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s hilarious.”
“Elizabeth, I’m serious. I can’t stand to see you in pain because of me. You don’t know how hard it was that first day at the counseling center. I walked away from you believing I was about to prove the scan wrong. When I heard you cry out in pain—it was the beginning of the end for me.”
I raised my hand to his face, grazing his bottom lip with my thumb. “Is that true, Murphy?”
“It went against every instinct I have, treating you that way. If you come back before I start worrying about you, I’ll tell you why.”
* * *
My only thought as I left our apartment was to climb up on the ledge and watch the sun rise over the rock. But when I reached the bottom of the stairs I kept walking straight, like I’d done our first day in camp.
My state of mind today was completely different. I wasn’t running away. I didn’t feel angry or anxious. I wanted to stretch my legs. To feel the cold air moving against my face.
I walked at a leisurely pace, attentive for the signs I was pushing the limits, while my mind worked to proc
ess all the things Murphy had said to me. The things he wouldn’t say were almost more telling.
“Elizabeth?”
Startled out of my musing, I glanced up to find Blake and another man standing before me. They both wore waist harnesses and looked like they were preparing to climb the sheer rock face behind them.
Where am I? I wondered. I had apparently arrived here on autopilot, and couldn’t even have said how long I’d been walking.
“Good to see you out this morning,” said Blake. “Saved me coming to check how you’re doing.”
It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, not striking him across the face for what those men had done to Murphy. I was sure Blake had condoned it, even ordered it. But Murphy had asked me to let it go.
“We’re fine,” I said dryly.
“I understand Dr. Murphy and the men I left to keep an eye on him had an argument that turned ugly.”
“Would you be referring to the brutal, unprovoked beating that left him with two broken ribs?” Now that it was on the table, I couldn’t help myself. “I guess your host protocol only applies when it’s convenient.”
Much to my disappointment, Blake didn’t rise to the attack. “I doubt it comes as any surprise to you that Murphy has made some enemies here. But this is an opportunity I’d advise you to use to your advantage. It’s a perfect time for you to assert yourself. To take control of your bond.” He gazed over my shoulder, scanning behind me. “Where is Dr. Murphy, anyway? I expected his injuries would keep him inside for at least a few days.”
“It’s going to be more than a few days.”
Blake’s eyes snapped to my face. “What?” He stared at me so hard instinct urged me to turn and run. “You’re telling me he’s still in your quarters?”
“That’s what I’m telling you. I came out for some air, and now I’m going back.”
I turned on my heel—and froze.
Looking back across the valley, the overhang seemed small and distant. I had no memory of the scenery I’d passed in my walk, or of crossing the little footbridge over the river.
But I must have done so, because that morning I had covered four or five times the distance I’d covered yesterday—four or five times the distance I’d ever covered in my attempts to walk away from Murphy.
Awakenings
“Murphy must have followed me,” I murmured, starting back across the valley. Of course he had. He’d been worried. He hadn’t wanted me to go. No way I could have made it this far without him.
No way he could have made it this far, period.
“Wait, I’ll come with you,” Blake replied. I heard the clanking of metal as he unfastened his harness and gear.
But I didn’t wait. I walked faster. Soon I was jogging, and when I made it to the bridge without seeing Murphy, I ran.
I bounded up the stairs two at a time, muttering a distracted apology at two women who’d just exited the apartment with the ivy growing under the door. They stood watching me as I continued up, flinging open our door.
There stood Murphy, startled, and obviously relieved to see me. “Just in time for tea.”
“Murphy! Oh, God!” I threw my arms around him.
“Ompf.” He faltered backward, bending to protect his ribs as his arms slipped around my waist. “What’s all this?”
“Have you been here the whole time I’ve been gone?”
“I haven’t been out to the shops, if that’s what you—why are you crying?”
I clung to him, shaking, unable to right myself in the tidal wave of emotion.
“Elizabeth, you’re scaring me.” He pulled my head up, forcing me to look at him. “Has someone hurt you?”
“No—no—I—” I struggled to control my breathing. “Murphy, I think I’m free.”
He blinked at me, not getting it.
“Detached, Murphy. I walked all the way across the valley, to Devil’s Rock. Alone.”
Understanding flickered in his eyes. “Jesus. Are you sure?”
“Yes, I—well, no. As sure as I can be.” Fresh tears ran down my face. “There was no pain. No compulsion to turn back. I can’t believe it, Murphy. It doesn’t feel real.”
Murphy smiled, cradling my face in his hands. “I’m so happy for you, Elizabeth.”
Overwhelmed as I was, I didn’t miss the note of something off in his response. “Aren’t you happy too?”
“Of course I am. It’s the best possible news.”
Studying his face, I perceived a thin film of concealment. “What is it, Murphy?”
He hesitated, jaw muscles clenching. “If I said even a single word to dampen this moment for you, I’d never forgive myself.”
I gripped his shoulders, bracing myself. “Now you’re scaring me.”
He pulled me against him, muttering, “I’m sorry, love. It’s nothing at all.” He gave an uneasy laugh. “I’m a selfish bastard. It’s the best thing for both of us, I know. We shouldn’t be together by default.”
I pulled back and looked at him, more confused than ever. “I don’t understand you.”
“It’s no wonder. I’m not making any sense. It’s only that … well, you can do as you like now. You don’t need me anymore.”
Finally it sank in, and my heart vaulted into my throat.
“Oh, Murphy. You’re wrong about that.”
“Am I?”
I raised my lips to his neck, murmuring against his salty skin. “Clever of you, and not gentlemanlike at all. Making me fall in love with you, so that when I detached I’d be as helpless as ever.”
The smile that blossomed took over his whole face, reminding me of the first day we’d met. “Repeat that bit in the middle—the bit about falling.”
His arms tightened around me, giving me the strength to form the words. “I love you, Murphy.”
“Do you, now.”
He kissed me. Our bodies molded together and I slipped into the stream of warm, charged air—our connection opened spontaneously. I felt a surge of relief not to have lost this part of our bond.
Murphy’s desire flooded through me and I gasped, clutching at him. My own desire arced in response.
“Ah, Elizabeth…”
I guided him backward toward the bed. “Murphy, I need to…”
“Mmm, yes. Be gentle with me.”
Crouching over him, I planted a kiss behind his ear. “Lie very still.”
I had just pulled off my shirt and tossed it away when our door flew open. Murphy sat up, sheltering me against his chest as Blake burst in with three others carrying rifles.
“Get up, both of you,” ordered Blake. He picked up my shirt and flung it at me, and I yanked it back on.
“What’s going on?” Murphy demanded.
One of the men darted forward and struck Murphy in the head with his rifle.
“Stop it!” I cried as he crumpled onto the bed, groaning in agony.
As I moved to help him, Blake grabbed my arm. “Let’s go!” he barked. “No more talking.”
Blake propelled me down the stairs while the guards came behind, dragging Murphy, who could hardly keep his feet under him. People began to gather out in front of the overhang, muttering with alarm.
Murphy staggered along and I moved to his side, trying to support him, but Blake separated us again.
As we passed in front of the gathering crowd, Ian stepped out. “What’s happened?” he called to Blake. “What are you doing with them?”
“Our latest arrivals have broken camp rules.” Blake’s eyes flashed a warning. “I’d appreciate it if you’d help keep everyone calm.”
Blake continued walking, towing me with him, but I made a grab for Ian’s arm. Ian’s hand locked around my wrist.
“Ian, I detached! We were right about—”
Blake wrenched me from Ian and spun me around by my shoulders. His hand cracked across my face.
I splayed onto the ground and lay still, with a ringing head and fractured vision. Blood pooled in my mouth.
&
nbsp; Ian and Murphy started shouting, and a moment later Murphy was laid out beside me. I turned my head to spit out the blood, and Julia sank down by my side. I felt her cool fingers against my forehead for a moment, and then she was gone.
One of the rifles fired, followed by cries of surprise.
“Everyone calm down,” yelled Blake. “I need to secure these two so I can ask them some questions. Then I’ll be back to explain.”
Blake and his men grabbed us by the arms and dragged us away.
At the opposite end of the overhang from where we’d had lunch that first day, the men forced us to scramble up onto the ledge. They shoved us inside a triangular cave formed by two rock faces that met at an angle.
“If they make a sound, shoot Dr. Murphy,” Blake instructed the others as he headed back down to camp.
The men took up posts outside, and we stood paralyzed with shock. Dizzy and sick, hand pressed against my swelling jaw, I turned to Murphy. He looked ghastly—pale as death, fresh blood mingling with the perspiration glazing his forehead. He pressed both hands to his side, gritting his teeth against the pain. A huge knot had formed just below the hairline on one side of his forehead.
He staggered backward and I stumbled behind him, using my body to slow his fall. Easing him down, I made him lie with his head in my lap. He raised a hand to my chin, wiping blood from one corner of my lips. I winced as he touched my sore jaw, and rage burned in his eyes.
His hand drifted down to rest on my abdomen, while I stroked his hair and the back of his neck. His body went slack as he lost consciousness.
I heard the distant rumble of thunder. Rain began to fall, ticking softly against the dry rock.
I breathed deeply, focusing on opening our connection. Closing my eyes, I felt for his body in the current. I wrapped myself around his energy, and we drifted along together. Weightless and peaceful.
* * *
The storm settled in and thunder rolled across the valley. Lightning forked down from the dark belly of cloud behind Devil’s Rock. An odd tickling sensation caused me to touch my head, and I discovered the energy of the storm had lifted the ends of my hair.
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