by Janeal Falor
I have to fight against him. I did it once. Can I do it again? “There's nothing here for you.”
He steps closer, his height towering over me. I want to shrink. To collapse. Instead, I force myself to remain steady and tall.
“Everything I want is here, at your finger tips,” he says.
My breath is coming in short gasps. At my fingertips. He wants to control me. I can't handle this.
But I have to. If he gains command of me again, what will happen? To the country? An assassin queen? The Shadow Wraith as their ruler? No one will want me around—not that they do anyway, but it will be worse if I'm under his control. If I'm killing for him again.
“This is perfect. I groomed you to be a leader, and a leader you are,” Daros says.
The last thing he groomed me to be is a leader. He may have taught me to emulate those around me. To blend in or stand out, depending on the needs. To fight for my life. But to lead? No. Not that. He was too busy stomping all over me whenever I did something wrong.
“You are right. I'm the queen. Get out and never come back,” I say.
“Do you really think you can get rid of me so easily when I know all your secrets?”
I need to hold onto something, but the short table before me is of no use. I want to fall onto it and cry.
But there's no crying.
Not ever.
“You think you know my secrets,” I counter. I wonder what would happen if I called to have him arrested. He'd probably kill me before I finished the sentence.
He scoots closer. “You've been hiding things from me?” He reaches for where I know he hides one of his many daggers.
I work to keep my breathing even. To not flinch or show a shred of the turmoil rumbling inside me.
“Never mind.” He moves his hand away from his dagger. “I know enough. You will let me into your new life sooner or later. Now, about the law concerning taxes…”
He's going to try to control me again.
“What could you want to change about the laws?” The words spew from me. “Wait. I don't want to know. I don't want to have anything to do with you.”
Before I know it, a blade is pressed against my gut.
“You will do what I tell you to.” His voice is low. Menacing.
I can't help it. I laugh—a cold, unfeeling sound. “Or what? You'll kill me? Don't you think there's a reason I'm here?”
He takes his time sheathing his dagger. “There are worse things I could do than kill you.”
Without meaning to, I shrink back. He gives a low chuckle and threads his fingers through my hair before yanking it back. He brings his face close to mine as I work not to clench my jaw. To not give way to the pain ratcheting through me.
“You are as weak as ever. You’re nothing without me to command you, and you know it.” He releases me with a jerk.
I stumble and knock into my chair before balancing myself. The threat of what he could do to me is enough to make me back down. To make me want to give into all of his demands.
But I promised not to kill again.
And now, I promise not to let him have control of my country. For it is mine.
I straighten to my full height, ignoring the roiling in my stomach. “You are not welcome here.”
“Do not go trying to boss me around, girl. Just because you escaped from me once doesn't mean you have any hold over me. I'm the one with all the power, no matter what you may try.”
“No. No more.” My voice is halting.
“Don't you dare talk to me like that. You will listen to what I have to say and will follow through.”
Putting all my might into it, I shove him away. He wavers, mouth hanging open.
“No,” I say again. The word is stronger this time. Firm.
“You will not stand up to me.” He takes a step forward, once again reaching for his dagger.
“Nash,” I call out, hoping he can hear me. My heart drums within my chest.
The door bursts open. “Yes, my lady?”
“See to it that this… gentleman is shown off the property. Get some guards to do it.” I tuck my hands into the folds of my skirt so their trembling can't be seen.
“Of course, Your Majesty.”
“You'll regret this,” Daros says, voice low enough only I can hear.
“I think not,” I say.
Nash grabs my old master by the upper arm and yanks him out the door. I hear Nash out in the hall say, “Take him out to the streets and see that he doesn't return anytime soon.”
I'm grateful for Nash taking it further than my fear let me go, though I doubt it will stop Daros from getting what he wants out of me. He always does, whatever his goal is—something to do with the new law concerning taxes, getting his Shadow Wraith back, and control. Who wouldn't want control over a kingdom?
Besides me. Except, I might not want it, but I think I’ll be all right with it.
I'm even more grateful that Nash passed the duty onto another guard. He comes back in the room, shuts the door, and hurries over to me. I fall back into the chair, and Nash kneels beside me. I feel sick, like I'm going to lose the contents of my stomach any second now.
“Did he hurt you?”
I laugh—a cold sound. “As much as he could in the few minutes he had.”
Nash begins looking me over for injuries. “Where is it? I'll have his head.”
“He didn't physically injure me,” I say, though that doesn't stop him from touching me. It feels nice. I didn't know another person’s touch could feel so…
Tender.
Soft.
Awakening.
It's unfathomable, and yet, I feel it. I don't understand.
Finally he seems satisfied that I really am not injured, and he lets go of me with a jolt. “Sorry. I shouldn't touch you. Please forgive me.”
I shrug. Not like I'm about to tell anyone, after what that felt like. “It's forgotten and will stay that way for everyone.” It’s not like I’m about to have the first person I almost trust killed off just because our skin came in contact.
“Thank you.” He meets my gaze, searching for something. “Who was that?”
“No one of importance.”
“By the way you were trembling you can't tell me that.”
I pull my shoulders back. “No one of importance. We'll leave it at that.” If only I could keep him that way. Daros was like a father to me. A cruel father, but one nevertheless.
My everything.
My world.
I let him teach me things no one should learn. Make me do things no one should do. And now I hate myself for it.
Though not as much as I hate him.
Chapter 16
Nash is polite, but distant. I wonder what he's thinking, but it's hard to focus on that. My jitters from seeing Daros are too great. I shouldn’t have let him enter. It doesn't matter, though. Even if I didn’t let him in, he’d find a way to me, and it would end much worse.
Not that I left him on a good note. He's bound to be raging now. I clench my fists just thinking about it. I've dealt with his wrath too many times for it not to affect me.
There's a knock at the door of my sitting room. I clamp my jaw shut. They wouldn't let Daros back in, would they? He can't have gotten his claws in the guards this fast. Unless they were there to begin with.
I stand, unwilling to face him sitting down. I force my fists to relax, taking three even breaths to calm myself.
“That should be Jaku, Head of the Guard,” Nash says, speaking for the first time in several minutes. “He's here for the meeting you requested. Would you like me to leave you to it?”
I'm so thankful it's not Daros. I sink into my seat. There's a note of something in Nash's voice. A distance. I wonder if I hurt his feelings, sending him away when I was agitated before. “Please remain.”
His lips twitch, but that's the only hint I get to what he's thinking. He bows deep from the waist and goes to open the door. “Presenting Jaku Hanka, Your Majesty
.”
Jaku walks in, his presence commanding, if not as great as Daros's. He has dark-brown eyes, brown hair, and a smile that doesn't look as if it belongs to the Head of the Guard. It’s too sweet. Nash shuts the door behind him.
Jaku bows. After I tell him to stand, he says, “Your Majesty wishes to speak with me.”
“I did. Sit.” He chooses the chair directly across from mine, though it's the whole length or the room away, and I continue. “I want to know why the assassins were able to attack me.”
He pales but doesn't shrink. “I'm afraid Your Majesty can lay the blame on me. Our guards noticed nothing out of the ordinary. All I can think is that the first used a secret path that is unknown to me. The second one broke through our lines, knocking out the guards so they couldn't come after him.”
“Are his words true, Nash?”
If Nash is surprised by my inviting him into the conversation, he doesn't show it. “He speaks the truth, My Lady. I was on guard that day and saw nothing out of the ordinary. I questioned those around me, but no one else saw anything either.”
He went so far as to question his peers. Interesting. Perhaps I was wiser than I thought, picking him as Head Advisor. Not that I put much thought into it, other than the feeling that I could trust him. It's probably wrong; that feeling always is. Still, I don't regret it.
“How can we find these secret tunnels, to keep this from happening again?” I put my life on the line enough as it is. I don't want someone else taking it from me. At least, that's what my actions say.
“There's no guarantee we will find something new, Your Majesty,” Jaku says. “Forgive me for being so forward, but people have been trying for generations to find all the secret passageways in and out of this place, and they have yet to succeed.”
“I prefer forward people. I feel we must try to find those passages, though. In places I will frequent, if not elsewhere as well.”
A muscle in Jaku's cheek twitches, but he appears calm otherwise. “I promise to do what I can, Your Majesty.”
Is that enough? “What do you think, Nash?”
“I agree with Jaku. We can do our best.”
“The first time I was attacked was in the queen’s bathing area, and no one saw anything suspicious. Either someone is lying or there is at least one secret tunnel in there.” Not that I will ever go back there. As relaxing as the bath was, I don't trust the place.
“I will send my best men to comb the area,” Jaku says. “Except for Nash, as I recently had to relinquish him to you.” He sounds rather put out.
“Nash has been a great asset.” Though he bombards me with boring information, he's the only person in this place who seems to care enough to give me that information. Whether or not I'm interested in it or ready to use it is a different question entirely.
“I'm certain he has been, Your Highness,” Jaku says.
I study the Head of the Guard. Is he hiding something? Silly question—everyone is hiding something. But is he hiding something that could affect my life? No way to tell. He holds my gaze steady and surely doesn’t act like a common criminal. He probably has enough experience to obscure such things.
“If you're certain there's nothing else you'd like to add, Jaku, you're free to go,” I say.
He stands and bows. “Please let me know if there's any further way I can assist you, Your Majesty.”
Nash opens the door for him, then closes it after him. “Forgive me, my lady. I didn't know you were going to question him on the attack.”
“What did you think I wanted?”
“Truthfully, I thought you were going to release him from his position.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Most queens change the heads of their departments. The guard is usually the first to go. Plus, the attacks happened on his watch.”
The thought didn’t cross my mind, other than with Ranen. He's the only one who makes my skin crawl to that point. Not that I trust the others, but there's no sense replacing someone I don't trust with another I don't trust either. Besides, I know no one to take the jobs. “Is that what you wanted to happen?”
“No, Your Majesty. I believe Jaku will serve you well enough.”
Well enough. Now there's an endorsement if I ever heard one. I'll have to keep an eye on him. I'll have to keep an eye on them all if I want to be safe. The thought alone exhausts me. I'm used to obeying orders. This role is far beyond me.
“Is there anything you need?” He's closer than before, his voice soft.
I can only stare. Is he serious?
“Anything at all?” he asks.
Words finally come to me. “Why do you ask?”
“Because you are my queen. I promised to serve you, and…”
When he doesn't finish, I say, “And what?”
He shakes his head. “I will help you any way you need, Your Majesty.”
It seems like there’s more he's not saying. I wonder but don't feel like pushing. Not now, when there are assassins after me. I have to find out who's leading them, not spend time finding out more about Nash.
Killers after the Shadow Wraith, though I doubt they know it's so. I didn't think the day would ever come. Daros always protected me from others coming after me. Threatened them if anything happened to my life. They didn’t know who I was, just that I was untouchable.
Such thoughts do me no good. I need to focus on the here and now. “Thank you for your willingness. The only thing I need is to find out who is sending these assassins.”
“I will do everything in my power to help you find them.”
Something about the tone of his voice has me believing him, whether that’s smart or not.
Chapter 17
The world is barely fuzzy this time. The woman in green comes into clarity and immediately asks, “Who are you?”
I sigh. “I'm no one.”
“Then, for now, I'm no one as well,” she says. “You didn't come to bed early.”
“The city lights are much more interesting to watch.”
“And yet, you still didn't have a nightmare.”
It's true. Three nights in a row. How can that be?
“I told you—magic. It's time you start believing what I tell you. We're working up to that, aren't we?”
“Maybe.” She doesn't feel like me. Or talk like me. And she knows things I don't.
“Exactly. It's time to trust that this is a real experience, even if you're sleeping,” she says. “It can't take long for you to trust me on this; there's too much for us to do.”
“Why can't we do it now?”
“Very well, then. Who is Daros? Even being here, I can't tell who he is. You keep it so closed up.”
“My old master.”
“I know that much, but your old master of what?”
I feel someone searching. Looking hard inside me. It's a peaceful, unobtrusive touch.
I wake.
That was not what I expected. Why did my dream end differently this time? Whatever the reason, I'm done with sleep for now. I don't care how nice the lady in green seems, there are some places I don't go.
I could tell her about the trainings. They weren't all bad. They weren't good either. My muscles are hardened with years of experience. But what good would it be to tell a dream figure that? Besides, I hate what I am.
I get down on the floor and start doing push ups, not caring about my night gown. I spend spare moments snatching what exercise I can. I have to keep my body in peak physical condition, though there isn't as much time to do it as before.
I blot my forehead. What's more than not wanting to tell the lady in green, I didn’t like her searching my thoughts, even if she was gentle about it.
No one is allowed into my memories. Not even me.
At least, not without consequences.
Chapter 18
I'm sitting in one of my new chairs, with Nash across from me. He's attempting to teach me more of what I need to learn, but I can't concentrate. My meeting w
ith Daros is still in my mind. I need him out of there. The lady in green makes thoughts of him come even more frequently.
“We should work on conversations,” he says.
I stare at him.
“Don't you think?” he asks.
“What about them?”
“How you converse with others is important. It can show a lot of grace and decorum or it can be crass and unappealing.”
“Did someone put you up to this?” I can't imagine him coming up with it on his own.
“It doesn't matter. What's important is your words. Do you think what you just said would be acceptable among the Kurah class?”
“Who was it? Jem?”
“You didn't answer my question.”
“Jem, then. Good to know.”
“No,” he says with a sigh. “It wasn't Jem. I answered your question. Will you answer mine?”
I tap a finger to my lips, pushing back thoughts of Daros. “One of the other ladies in waiting?”
“It was my mother. All right?”
Not what I was expecting. “Why did your mother suggest such a thing?”
“She's not a royal, but she used to be a servant for Queen Amily. She knows things.”
“And she thinks I need better conversational skills?”
He shifts in his chair. “She suggested some topics that would help you learn your place better.”
I don't like the sound of that. “I can speak on any topic well enough when I feel like it.” I was trained to fit in. “I've been thinking.”
“Yes?” Nash sounds exasperated.
It's time to change the subject to something I care about, to thoughts of my own instead of on Daros. There's one thing that might work. “I am the queen of Valcora. It's time I act like it.”
“How so?”
It's something I have to think about. What difference can I make as royalty? “I want to get to know the people.”
He relaxes back into his chair. “I think it's only fitting, since you've barely left your rooms since you became queen.”
I try to ignore the rebuke.