by Allison, J
“Anyway, I decided that maybe I should come and find you in a setting where you wouldn’t try and commit suicide,” She flicked her long auburn curls over her back, her smile turning nasty.
“Although that would make this situation a lot easier.” She smirked, “Take a seat, I think we need to chat.” She patted the space on the bed next to her.
“I’m fine standing,” My voice was shaky, Allison shrugged,
“Suit yourself,”
“Why are you here Allison?”
“No Ava, the question is why are you here and what do you think you’re doing?”
“What the hell do you mean?” I growled, surprised at the strength in my voice.
Her eyes searched mine for a long moment before she sighed,
“Robert has been following the path set out for him since he was a child.” her voice was reminiscent, recalling fond memories, her eyes drifted past me until I knew she was seeing the past.
“He grew as he was meant to, learnt early on to disguise the things that made him different, his path stretched before him as it should,” her tone suddenly dropped, turning icy as her eyes focused on me once more.
“And then you.”
I swayed a little under her gaze, her eyes burned into mine and I felt completely unable to hide under her scrutiny, it was as if she could see all I was, every thought, every feeling.
“You have to leave, you have to break off whatever this is.” She gestured towards me with a flick of her hand, discounting me as unimportant.
“I don’t have to do a damned thing.” I spoke calmly, “I will be with Robert as long as he wants me to be, what gives you the right to demand anything of him, or I, or for that matter, to say what he does or with who?”
Her laughter surprised me, high and loud, I cringed a little in fear of someone hearing, my eyes flicked to the door, I hoped Pop was outside again.
“Well how sweet,” she sneered, within a heartbeat her face was only inches from my own, her movements so similar to Roberts it was totally disconcerting.
“What you two are doing is damned,” she hissed, “You just cannot comprehend the extent, let this be a warning.”
I took an unconscious step backwards, away from her hard gaze, my back hit the wall. Allison stood her ground staring down at me with cold green eyes, her skin so porcelain you could almost see the blood pumping beneath it.
“You are in danger by being with Robert, he cannot be with you, end of story, no ifs, buts or maybes,” her expression transformed into a sympathetic smile.
“Listen to me Ava, You make him weak, an easy target for the unseen. There are plenty more guys out there, and one of those are for you, But Robert isn’t, he’s ours – distance yourself or we will do it for you and trust me that would not be a pleasant experience for either of you.”
Her head pulled back slightly, her gaze lost for a moment, I knew from seeing Robert do this that she was listening to something. Her smile grew again and she looked back at me.
“It seems I’ve been heard, you know you really should tell him to mind his own business, It can’t be any fun when he listens to all your conversations.”
With that she turned and leapt in one smooth, impossibly fast motion, disappearing through my window in a swirl of ivory skin and glistening red hair, her laugh lingering behind her.
I knew he was coming, I tried to compose myself as best I could, not the easiest thing to do when you had just been threatened in your own home. Rushing to the bathroom I slammed the door, it took me a moment to lock it, my fingers shook so badly. I needed to buy a little more time before I saw him, I needed to try and get my thoughts straight or at least calm myself before he was here. I dove into the shower and tried to relax beneath the heat of the spray. It seemed impossible, Allisons words played over and over in my mind.
All too soon I finished and climbed out, realizing to late that I hadn’t bought any clean clothes with me and I wasn’t exactly keen to put my damp ones on again.
Wrapping the towel carefully around me, making sure I was decently covered, I opened the door to my room.
It was empty.
I stood for a moment, shocked, my hair dripping coolly down my back.
Where was he?
I had no doubt that he would be coming, Allison had said that he was and if anyone knew it would be her. But where was he now?
Walking slowly to my window I peered out towards the sheds and each way up and down the porch outside.
Nothing.
Leaning my forehead against the cool wood of the window sill I closed my eyes. What if he had met Allison as she left. What would he do? More to the point what would she do.
Shit, why wasn’t he here? I wasn’t ready to face him, I still didn’t know what I would say when I saw him, yet I wanted him here with me, my entire being yearned for him to be here.
This was all spiraling out of control, I didn’t know what to think anymore.
Roberts future had been mapped for him, it had been destined since his birth, a future that was as fixed for him as mine wasn’t for me.
A future that was not supposed to include me, and full of those willing to take drastic action to make sure his future remained without me.
Where was he.
“Dammit Robert!” I spoke harshly, slamming my hand down on the window sill.
“Ava…” Nans voice sounded from the kitchen, “Dinners up sweetheart.”
I sighed, closing my eyes, letting the breeze wash over me. I wouldn’t think right now, I couldn’t. Wherever the hell Robert was I was sure he wouldn’t stay away for long, not now that he knew about my visitor. I would just have to sit back and wait.
24.
He didn’t show up that night, I left my window open, my lamp on, waiting. I watched the hours tick by and the house around me grow silent as Nan and Pop retired for the evening. But I didn’t call him. I couldn’t, something stopped me, there was a reason he wasn’t here, I wasn’t sure what it was, but a feeling of dread was starting to creep in, to gnaw around the edges of the barrier I had put up to protect myself.
I woke later from the cold, shivering as I pulled the covers from the floor where I had kicked them. He was there, his silhouette dark against the night sky where he stood outside my window.
“Hey,” I spoke softly, squinting into the night, unable to make out anything except the shape of him.
“Can I come in?” his voice was equally soft, but there was something else. I nodded, knowing that he could see me even if I couldn’t see him.
I heard his feet land softly on the carpet as I leant over to switch on my lamp, instantly lighting the room in a soft yellow glow.
“You don’t have to ask to come in you know,” My voice not much more than a whisper, “you normally don’t…”
He didn’t answer, his eyes burning into mine, my heart skipped a beat, but for the wrong reasons, something was very wrong, I could feel it.
“Where were you this afternoon? Allison said…” he flinched as I spoke her name,
“Allison said you were coming.”
“I was.”
“And…”
He turned, pacing away from me, running his fingers through his hair,
“And then I couldn’t,” he said, turning back to face me for a second, pain flared somewhere in the depths of his dark eyes before he continued to pace.
I shook my head, confused, what did he mean?
He watched me, his own expression confused and angry as he marched silently backwards and forwards next to my bed, his hair stood on end from where he had been running his hands through it in frustration. He looked drawn and worried and resigned, it was the resigned part that made my blood run cold and my hands shake.
“I’m so sorry Ava,” he was next to me in a flash, his searing hot hands grasping mine, a solid link between him and I.
“What are you sorry for?”
He let go almost instantly, pushing me back a little so he could look at me, the un
guarded pain in his eyes made my heart ache.
“I can’t put you in danger like this, I didn’t think it would lead to you being threatened, I thought the danger would be mine, not yours.” His voice rose a little in anger and revulsion before he dropped it again.
“Allison’s right it’s not safe for you. You can’t be with me, I won’t put you in danger like this.”
“No.” it was all I could think of to say, I realized with surprise that I was furious.
“No!” I repeated, “You’ll just end this because someone said we must!” I pushed past him, angrily striding across the room, Robert watched after me, his expression terrified me more than Allison’s threats, more than riding that damn horse, I knew that I couldn’t lose him now, not now we had become so close, not now that I was in love with him.
“We have to.” His voice was barely a whisper and when I swung to look at him I could see his mind was made up.
“But last night, what you said,”
“I was stupid Ava, I didn’t realize that they would come for you, I… I thought that if they were going to come for anyone it would be me, I can deal with them hunting me… but not you.”
“But I love you, does that not matter, can we not just pretend we are two normal people and…”
“But we’re not dammit Ava, I’m not! I never will be and I will do anything in my power to protect you even if that means breaking my own heart to keep you safe.”
“But I love you,” I mumbled again pathetically, it came out in a sob.
“I know,” his voice dropped back to a whisper, “I love you too, more than you know, that’s why I won’t put you in danger, if something happened to you…” his voice caught and he cleared his throat quickly,
“If you were hurt because of me, because of what I am I couldn’t live with myself.”
I heard it then, a small cracking sound from within that I couldn’t bear, a sound like an icicle being snapped from it perilous hold, my heart broke and my world slowly began to implode.
He saw this, read it in my face, my stupid face that gave everything away, and I saw the sadness echoed from his own eyes.
He moved incredibly slowly back towards me, his feet almost dragging, he raised his hand slowly, his impossibly warm fingers trailed down my cheek. His face tipped slowly towards me, his mouth brushed the side of my jaw before finally pausing, for just a moment, on my lips.
And then he was gone, and I was alone, left only with the lingering warmth of his touch.
When I opened my eyes my room was bathed in a warm light that seemed to defy my mood.
I clenched them shut again, my head was throbbing, my eyes still stung from crying, all I wanted was to shut the curtains and dissolve into the darkness.
My heart ached, a dull throbbing pain with every beat. The hollowness was back again, I was completely empty.
I honestly thought everything had finally begun to work. I was content. Everything I wanted, well everything that was possible in my current situation had felt right.
But that was the thing about life. There is no smooth sailing, it is one wave after the other, some higher than others, some wash over you completely but always there is turbulence, outcomes and happenings beyond your control. Once more I felt as though I was a spectator in my own life, unable even to control my own destiny.
The realisation was haunting.
I had played Roberts words over and over in my mind, hearing them a hundred times, again and again torturing myself, trying to figure out what I could have said, what I could have done that would have changed the outcome.
But there was nothing, he had made up his mind, I had seen it in the set of his eyes, in the way he held himself, from the moment he had come he had known what he was going to do.
He said he was doing this to protect me, to keep me safe. What he didn’t understand was that without him I didn’t care what happened. I would much rather be with him at a risk then without him and safe.
He had altered my life in a way that I couldn’t describe and there was no possible way that I could go on existing as I had before. Not when I knew he was in the world, not when I couldn’t see him or touch him.
I could not explain what it was between us, him and I, I was his as much as he was mine and both of us had been at a loss to understand that impossible draw we had to each other, the realisation of one’s self in another from the first time you meet.
What he and I had was different.
And now it was gone.
I didn’t understand how he could do this, how he could finish it. I felt the gaping wound in my heart tear a little further and I buried my head in my pillow and resolved to spend the day in darkness and try to contemplate a life without Robert in it.
The next six days passed in quiet pain, I declined numerous invitations from Laura and Sally, I hardly strayed from my room, spending my days in a numb haze of sleep and daydreams.
When I did sleep I dreamed of him, haunting visions of him and of us that would wake me, shaking in a cold sweat, more exhausted then when I had closed my eyes.
I could see the worry etched on both of my grandparents faces, they made small questioning enquiries into my health and my happiness. I forced a smile each time and told them I was fine, that I was only feeling tired and a little run down. It hurt me to see my pain reflected in their faces but I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I was broken and physically sick with it, unable to eat or think. Capable only of sleep.
I tried his mobile twice, he didn’t answer, I guess I had expected that. The few times I had ventured out he was not around, careful to keep his distance.
The pain of knowing that Robert was still here, somewhere nearby and was avoiding me was excruciating. I spent my days swinging in the hammock staring out toward the hills beyond. Never seeing him, not once. He had the advantage of knowing where I was and making sure that he wasn’t there too.
Nan and Pop grew more concerned and continued to question me tentatively about it, gently probing, trying to figure out what had me so down. I didn’t realize how worried they were until I overheard them one afternoon, two weeks after I had last seen him. They hadn’t heard me as I approached the kitchen, hearing my name I stopped.
“Ava’s just mourning I think,” Pop said,
“I don’t know, she had been doing so well and now, well, she’s very down, I thought she was coming right…” Nans voice trailed off,
“Perhaps we should just give her some space, it’s what she seems to want.”
“I don’t know, Fred, I’m really worried, maybe we should get her to talk to someone.”
“You know how I feel about those sort of people Norma, that’s not necessary, she’s young, what all of us have been through is tough and we are all dealing with it in our own ways she’ll be okay.”
I felt nauseous at the thought of them arranging a shrink, there was no way in hell I would visit one, if I told a shrink the truth I would be committed, they would consider me insane if I told them what Robert really was. Nan and Pop thought this was about Mom and Dad, and while that pain still ached every day and probably always would, they were wrong.
The kitchen was silent again for a while and I was about to make myself known when Pop spoke again, his voice soft.
“Robert gave me his resignation today.”
“Oh no,” Nan groaned, “Why? Did he say why?”
“Only that it was time for him to move on,” the disappointment in Pops voice was hard to miss.
“Do you think…” Nan trailed off,
“I’m not sure but I really wouldn’t be surprised.”
I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach, I was devastated and yet that didn’t even start to cover it, I felt as if I was going to throw up.
“How long did he give?” Nans voice sounded again.
“A month.”
I clutched my hand to my mouth, and ran down the hallway, the sound of my footsteps halting their conversation. I was going to be sick.
<
br /> “So…” Wills smile was brilliant, I tried to return it but couldn’t, what was wrong with me, it had been over two weeks and still I couldn’t pull myself out of the black misery that was determined to sink me.
“So?” I echoed waiting for him to continue, he seemed rather pleased about something.
“How are things with you?” his smile never faltered, his emerald eyes gleaming. Sally rose her eyebrows at me in suggestion, great, just what I wanted, an over keen admirer and the bonus of Sal pushing me into a date with him later, I would have preferred to slit my wrists then face this at the moment.
“Nothing new Will, You?”
“Same old. Haven’t seen you in a while, what you been up to?”
Well I’ve been dying of a broken heart, I thought miserably, his head tilted slightly to the left as he waited for me to answer, I saw his lips pull back in a small smirk, I didn’t even try to think why this might be. Wills sense of humour was hard to figure out at the best of times, today I wouldn’t even bother trying.
“Not much,” I answered finally, “Just hanging around the farm.”
My complete disinterest in our conversation didn’t seem to undermine his enthusiasm, actually for some reason it seemed to fuel it. He was so full of good humour it hurt to watch.
Sally, a little more sensitive to my current depressed state, dove in asking Will to pass her the ketchup, then started up a new conversation, something I didn’t even bother to try and follow, I went back into recluse focusing on shovelling one fry in after the other. Maybe I would become one of those fat miserable people you see on Jerry Springer.
I sighed, this had been a bad idea, when Sally had rung and asked to catch up for lunch I thought it might help. But it seemed nothing would, even operating on ‘auto pilot’ was becoming a little hard and I had spent the last few days contemplating a move back to Chicago. My grandparents would be against it, so would Joel, but I didn’t feel I could stay on the ranch anymore, not without him there, I was almost eighteen anyway, soon they wouldn’t be able to stop me.