“Do you want some?” I ask Evan as I shut the microwave door.
He shakes his head and I toss the bowl down carelessly, the ceramic clinking so loud I almost think it broke.
“Talk to me,” Evan says again and I want to. God I do, but there’s so much to say.
“You want to hear what I’ve been wanting to tell you for weeks?” I say and even to my own ears I sound like I’ve lost it.
“Kat, you-“
He’s mid-word, a word I don’t even give a fuck about. I don’t care what he has to say, I’m going to lay it all out there for him and he can choose whatever he wants to do with it. “I’m exasperated. Just because you said sorry doesn’t take away everything. I’m still… feeling.” I can see myself spiraling and I let it happen. “I feel like someone’s run over my body with a truck and then backed up. My hips and back hurt. I can’t sleep. And that’s just the pregnancy.” I take a deep breath and continue before he can interrupt me.
“You know, the baby you put in me? That’s still happening and by the way, pregnancy doesn’t just pause. So I’m dealing with hormones, and I cry way too much for no reason. I feel sick and I can’t sleep. I’m paranoid and I feel so alone that I’m truly scared. I feel crazy and I don’t even know what part of this is normal and what part isn’t.” The words leave me in a fluid mix of emotions. Like a purge of everything I’ve been feeling, piling up until it drowned me.
Evan doesn’t react. If anything I expect him to tell me to calm down. To give me another excuse. I anticipate feeling like I need to change and I’m the one who needs to be fixed. But that’s not what happens.
“I want to hold you,” is all Evan says. I’m caught, feeling shaky and uncertain as I stand in front of him in nothing but a t-shirt in our kitchen. “I want to make all the pain go away; I’ll take it from you,” he says and then Evan slips closer to me, wrapping a hand around my waist and I can feel myself falling back into the same trap. ‘Cause he does that to me. He makes the pain go away and he makes it so easy to give in.
“Stop,” I beg him. “It’s like history repeating itself.” I swear my body and my thoughts are at war with each other.
“It’s not,” Evan tells me, his voice begging me and my body persuading me to once again fall into his arms.
“We have a baby coming and I can’t put this baby through the same stupid shit, Evan,” I admit to him my fears. “I’m afraid every time I cry the baby can feel it. I think I’m hurting him already.” As I say the words, tears prick my eyes.
“Him?” Evan asks. “You think we’re having a boy?” The look in his eyes is pure devotion.
“Don’t change the subject,” I tell him seriously although it warms my heart slightly. “I want you, Evan. But I want you here with me and committed to me and this baby.”
“I know,” he says and starts to say more but my own fears beg me to confess. “I love you, I love you with everything in me and I won’t stop proving that to you every day for the rest of our lives.”
“Evan, if you hurt me,” I start to threaten him, “I swear I can’t take it anymore.”
“Never again. I can’t stand not being with you,” he tells me and my body succumbs to a warmth that’s been there all along, just waiting beneath the surface.
He pulls me into his arms and I let him. Even more, I grip onto his shirt as he wraps his muscular arms around me and I breathe in his scent.
My eyes shut tight as he whispers so close to me that my hair tickles my neck as it moves. “I want to make it all better.”
He says the right words. He’s always been good at that.
He lowers his lips to the shell of my ear. “I only want to love you and have you love me back.”
It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and my poor heart barely survived. I suppose it’s only beating still because it hasn’t belonged to me in years. It’s always been his.
I nod my head and look down at his chest, inhaling his scent that I’ve missed for so long and feeling his touch that I’ve been craving.
“You’re still wearing your jacket,” I say softly as I run the tips of my fingers down the zipper. I lift my gaze to his dark eyes, swirling with desire. “Take it off,” I tell him.
I bite into my lower lip and take half a step back as he keeps his eyes on mine and slips his jacket down his shoulders.
“Your shirt,” I breathe and in an instant, he tugs it over his head and carelessly drops it to the floor. He closes the space between us as desire spikes in my blood. Like the first night I saw him, knowing he was trouble, yet I can’t resist.
“What now?” Evan asks, moving his pointer finger to the bottom of the cotton t-shirt and letting it slip upward, tugging ever so gently until he reaches the peaks of my breasts. He closes his fingers around my nipples and tugs. The sensation is directly linked to my clit and it forces me to part my lips with a soft moan. “What now, baby?”
“Mmm,” I manage, that’s all I can offer as lust clouds my judgment.
“How about this?” Evan suggests and then he unbuckles his belt. The sound of his pants being unzipped fills the small kitchen and my body aches to reach out for him.
His pants fall to the floor and he pushes his boxers down with them, stepping out of them and exposing his thick cock to me.
A rough chuckle distracts me from focusing on his erection and I look into his eyes.
“You still want me?” he asks me and it’s only then that my cheeks warm with a blush. My body sways slightly. I murmur my answer, “Mm-hmm.”
Evan runs the same pointer from my upper thigh, past my panties and traces the seam along the middle of the cotton, brushing my throbbing clit and sending sparks of heated pleasure through my body.
“I’m the stupid one,” he tells me and I only moan in response.
“Tell me,” he says as he pushes his fingers under the thin fabric and runs them along my pussy. My body caves forward as he pushes with just the right pressure against my clit and then nearly slips into me as he runs his fingers back down. My fingers fly up to his chest, gripping onto his for balance as my toes curl and my body begs me to ride his fingers.
“Tell me,” he says again and then stops. My heavy-lidded eyes open and I pull back to object. “Tell me you still want me.”
“I still want you,” I say and the words rush out of my lips with need and desperation. Before the last word is even spoken, Evan splays his hand on my lower back and pulls me closer to him, forcing my chest against his.
“Fuck, you’re so wet,” he groans in the crook of my neck as he forces two fingers deep inside of me. I scream out, clinging to him as the sensation nearly topples me over.
“Evan,” I cry out his name, but he doesn’t answer as the pleasure builds. It’s been so long but I don’t remember it ever being like this.
It’s so intense, so overwhelming that I know I can’t stand for this.
“Evan,” I plead for him to understand, but my head flies back and strangled moans fill the air, both from him and from me as I cum on his fingers.
My body buckles and shakes as the orgasm rocks through me. I’m paralyzed as Evan moves me to the counter. It’s cold and hard and I lean against it for balance as slow waves continue to flow through my body.
“And your shirt?” Evan asks me as if I didn’t just experience the orgasm of my life.
I grip onto the counter to catch my breath, staring at him.
“I want it off,” he says and with my back to his chest, he pulls the shirt off of me. “And these,” he tells me, pushing his hand back down my panties. I’m trapped, my back to his front and his strong arm pinning me to him, his other hand on my hip, keeping me still.
My fingers clutch at his wrist and my nails dig in as he strums my sensitive clit.
“Evan,” I groan as my body collapses forward and I struggle to take more.
He’s not gentle with his strokes in the least. And I love it. My nipples pebble and my body goes weak with a numbing, blinding intensity.
The pleasure stirs deep in my belly but like a flame it grows hotter and hotter, warming me and threatening just the same.
It’s only when I cum again that Evan slowly pulls my panties off of me, leaving them sitting in a puddle by my feet. I’m not blind to the fact that they’re soaking wet.
Evan moves his hard erection between my thighs and I widen my stance slightly. He kisses my ear as he runs the head of his dick up and down my pussy. A shiver runs along my body. Every inch is covered with a heated pleasure so sensitive to touch that I go off from just his hot breath on my neck.
“I love you, Kat,” Evan whispers as he pushes himself deep inside of me. Slowly, stretching my walls. My head falls back onto his shoulder as he wraps his arm in front of me, pinning me to him. He reaches up and grabs my throat.
Buried deep inside of me, he whispers, “Tell me you love me.”
“Always,” the word slips out easily, my eyes still closed. I slowly open them to see Evan’s expression. I’m struck by the intensity of his gaze. The need, the desire, the possession. “Say the words,” he commands.
“I’ll always love you,” I tell him softly, the words barely audible.
He crashes his lips against mine as he bucks his hips. The sudden spike of near pain makes me push my head back and scratch along his forearm. He doesn’t stop, he pounds into me, letting the pleasure build.
He pistons his hips relentlessly, each thrust forcing a pleasured groan from me. I try not to, I try to be quiet, but I can’t.
I cum again and again, each climax feeling more intense than the last. Evan’s ravenous as he kisses me. He doesn’t stop letting his hands roam along my body. He doesn’t stop until I have nothing left and only then does he bury himself balls deep into me and cum.
* * *
Diary Entry 7
* * *
Mom,
* * *
I think I’ve lost my mind.
Evan’s like a tornado in my life.
And I think I’m okay with it.
It’s bad that I’m worried he’s going to leave me again and that I’m scared to believe him, but that I’m okay with trying again, isn’t it?
I’m ready to fight for him, Mom.
When he tries it again, I’m not going to let him.
No threats. None of that, I’m simply not going to let him.
I’ll be the crazy wife he made me be.
Is that okay? It’s probably not. But I don’t care.
I love him. I love what he does to me when he’s with me. I know I can’t be there all the time, but I’m going to have a grip on him.
He promised me and I don’t think he’s ever broken a promise to me.
I won’t let him do something that hurts me again. Although I don’t think he will either. That’s why I’ve lost my mind and gone crazy. He just did it not even a month ago, yet I don’t think he will again.
Mom, I’m afraid you’d be ashamed of me if you were still here. That’s what hurts.
But believe me when I tell you that I love him.
And I believe him when he tells it to me, because I feel it. That hole I was telling you about before? It’s the one that came when you left, but it’s not there when Evan’s with me.
I think he has a hole in his heart too, Mom.
And I think I’m the only one that can fill it.
I told you I’ve gone crazy, haven’t I?
Maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world though. I don’t know. I don’t think I care about it much anymore. So long as I keep Evan close to me.
Even if he doesn’t, I’ll yank his ass back to where he belongs.
* * *
I hope I make you proud. And if not, I’m sorry, Mom.
Chapter 25
Evan
* * *
Clenched fists shake,
With knuckles turning white.
Prepare to let it out,
The beast inside will fight.
Revenge will taste so sweet,
To make right the bitter wrong.
Only time is left,
He can’t run for long …
* * *
The paper rustles in my hand. It’s a list Pops left on the counter. He didn’t tell me about it, but I’m sure it was for us.
Bottles.
Pacifiers.
Bibs.
Onesies.
It goes on for a bit, but it’s shit I need to buy I’m sure.
Mason says I need to be seen in public, make sure the tail James has on me sees me keeping my distance, moving on. He wants them to back off and that means I need to look like I’m backing off too.
I look down the aisle as a kid runs past, making swooshing noises and holding a plane up in the air. It’s crazy that one day, I’m going to have one of them. A kid. A baby first. And before that, a pregnant wife.
It’s fucking terrifying.
“Hey,” I call out as the young guy in a blue Kiddie Korner t-shirt walks by with a clipboard in his hand. He has to push his glasses up when he looks at me. “Can I help you, sir?” he asks me.
“Yeah, I was looking for simple baby things. Like bottles and tiny clothes. Things like that,” I tell him. “I can’t find them anywhere in here.”
“We don’t have infant merchandise. You’ll have to go to Little Treasures,” he says and starts walking to the center of the store to point. “Two blocks down and make a right. It’s a bit of a walk, but it’s right there on your left.”
“Thanks,” I reply and slip the paper back into my pocket. If there’s a way to get Kat to really forgive me, I know it’s to be the best dad I can be. I hope I don’t fuck that up too. Although I’m sure I will.
I rub my tired eyes and then walk out of the shop, hearing the ding of the bells above my head and am instantly greeted with the bitter cold.
Just as I’m shoving my hands into my pockets, I see Detective Bradshaw.
“It’s one of those days,” I mutter beneath my breath as he kicks off the wall. Guess the prick was waiting for me.
“Mr. Thompson,” he says as he walks over to me.
I take a few steps forward as a couple of kids run behind me and into the store. Meeting him halfway I answer him, “Detective Bradshaw, nice to see you again.” Not fucking really.
He huffs a laugh like he heard my thought and says, “I’m glad I found you here.”
“A bit odd that we just happened to run into each other,” I tell him, holding his gaze and letting him know that I know he must’ve been following me. “Not my usual hangout.”
“Yeah, I noticed. Your schedule’s a bit different now?” he says like it’s a question.
“A bit.”
“For the best, I hope?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say and my word comes out hard. My back’s still and my muscles are wound tight. “You taking me in?” I ask him.
I wait as he assesses me, enjoying the suspense.
“Should I?” he asks.
“I can’t think of any reason off the top of my head,” I tell him.
He doesn’t think my answer’s funny in the least. My lips quirk up into a smirk at his hardass expression.
“I’m good to go then?” I ask.
“You got any new information for me?” he answers back and gets to the point of this meeting.
“I got nothing to say.”
“Why are you doing this to yourself? Protecting someone who wants to issue harassment charges?” he asks me and I can’t help that my forehead creases with both confusion and anger.
“Oh,” Detective Bradshaw says, finally showing a little joy. “You didn’t hear?” He rocks on his feet, like he’s so happy to deliver the news. “James Lapour wanted for us to keep you away from him. He filed for a restraining order and all.”
“That’s why you’re here?” I ask him.
“He said you were snooping around, making him uncomfortable and issuing threats.”
“Threats?” I echo, getting angrier and angrier
by the second.
“Nothing solid we could work with, so I thought I’d give you a shadow.”
“Ah, and thus this wonderful meeting,” I answer him, not daring to ask any more or give him anything else. I don’t talk to cops. Never have, never will. Half the city’s cops are in someone’s back pocket.
“I’m sorry to say, I couldn’t really give two shits about James Lapour.”
Detective Bradshaw’s less than pleased with my disinterest. “Just thought you’d like to know.”
“Thanks Detective, am I good to go now?”
“Have a good day,” he mutters as he walks past me, brushing my shoulder as he goes.
I finally bring my hands out of my pocket and see my clenched fist and the scrap of paper balled up. My breathing comes in shorter and my blood heats.
This shit has to stop. Right fucking now.
* * *
Diary Entry 2
* * *
Dear Pops,
* * *
I'm ashamed. I feel like I've lost complete control and I know it's hurting Kat.
Help me be a better husband and take the nightmares away. Please. Just get them out of my head.
It's just getting worse every night, and it's scaring my wife.
What kind of a man am I? Dreams are tearing my life apart.
I can't sleep without seeing you. Don't get me wrong, I love and miss you so damn much. But you always die in my dreams. You're just gone. All of the memories of our life together are changing. I don't want them to, but I don't know how to stop it.
I have them with Kat too and it's killing me.
I yelled last night and it woke me up. Kat was crying next to me, Pops. She said she'd been trying to wake me up and that's when I started screaming.
She's worried, and I feel like less of a man and husband because I can't stop it.
Please Pops, if you're there and you're able, please help me.
Scarred: Sins and Secrets Series of Duets Page 13