by Cindi Madsen
She tried to wipe it from her lips and add some intimidation to her expression. “If you don’t do what I say…” The corners of her mouth trembled. “I will talk you to death. You’ll break, trust me.”
“Nope. Not scary enough—the face or the threat.”
“Fine.” The next thing I knew, another pair of sunglasses had been placed on my face. I turned to the strip of mirror that separated the rows. Bedazzled cat-eye glasses. Of course.
“Hot,” she said.
“I’m going to buy them now, and then you’ll have to look at me in them for the rest of the trip. I hope you’re happy.”
Her laugh spilled out, loud and full, causing several people to glance at us. The happiness she radiated spread to them, until they were all chuckling, too.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “They’re laughing with you.”
I pointed at the unamused expression I’d plastered on my face, although with the jeweled eyewear, I doubt it was very effective. “I’m not laughing.”
“Then you should. Don’t make it awkward.”
My serious façade cracked as a snicker slipped out, and I removed the blingy shades and put them on her.
She waggled her eyebrows. “Yes? No?” Before I could answer, she exchanged them for a pair of aviators. “Who am I?” She dropped her voice a few octaves. “Don’t save your EpiPen or I’ll drag you into the ER. I’m scared of plummeting to my death, yet I approve of deathtrap carnival rides.”
Who knew you could have so much fun at a gas station? “I don’t know, but you sound like a super smart, upstanding gentleman to me.”
She snort-laughed, and I forced myself to keep the smile on my face. It was a good thing I was going to do the defending instead of the defendanting. Not that that was even a word, but if I was even a little guilty, I’d either confess or go out of my mind. When she’d jokingly called me a liar, liar, pants on fire and said the thing about taking advantage of my gullible girlfriend this morning, it sliced deep.
I was lying. Taking advantage, although I wouldn’t consider her gullible. Every time I wanted to just be in the moment, the extent of the web I’d spun wrapped another sticky strand around me. Soon, I’d be in even deeper.
But we were halfway to our destination and I was her ride. What was I supposed to do? Confess and leave us both miserable and/or stranded?
Not that I truly wanted to confess early, because I wanted to hold on to these moments before they were gone. I wanted to know more about her, too, but every time I asked a question, I worried I should know the answer.
What a fucking mess.
I’d blame my brother, yet I was the one here, and more than that, there was nowhere else I’d rather be.
I repeat, what a fucking mess.
Hazel eyes appeared as Gwen dipped her chin. “But in all seriousness, I do appreciate that you care so much about my allergy. Less appreciative of the deathtraps, but I guess no one’s perfect.”
She was. At this point, I’d almost like to see a flaw—one besides trusting me. The lump of guilt in my gut turned to solid rock, but since it’d only make her sad if I went back to the sulky dude I’d been all morning, I shoved it away. I reached past her, retrieved a pair of hot pink sunglasses, and gently slipped them on her nose. “Try these. They’ll match your toenail polish.”
As far as I was concerned, they were the ones. Gwen studied her reflection, then spun on her heel and planted her lips on mine. I wrapped my hands around her hips and pulled her closer, adding a gentle bite to her full bottom lip, and then soothing the spot with a swipe of my tongue.
This was the real reason I was going to keep up the ruse, asshole move or not. Since she’d repeatedly remarked about how things were so different these past few days, I reasoned that she felt the same pull I did and used that to justify kissing her. Touching her. Wanting to take her to somewhere we could be alone and I could follow through on my promise to make her remember every single minute.
Apparently, I was a better at arguing my own case than I thought.
16 Gwen
Road trips are always a bit of a gamble. For one, there’s a lot out of your control, from the traffic to if there will be construction or obnoxious drivers. It’s also a lot of time to spend confined in a small space with someone.
So far, this road trip was so different, so much more fun, and so… a word I couldn’t quite find. Not frustration and not exactly intrigue, but a mix of two. Was that a thing?
Actually, it was, because I was experiencing it. Regardless, I was happy that I’d taken a risk on asking Evan to come along, even if I’d nearly rescinded the invitation—making this trip alone would’ve sucked. Not only would it have been quieter, with less laughter and eye-candy to enjoy, but I would’ve been obsessing about seeing my friends and the awkwardness that’d be present at the wedding tomorrow. Somehow, this was the first time I’d really even thought about the wedding during our drive, and even then, the sense of dread was a mere blip in the background.
I shifted in my seat. My legs had locked up in the past few minutes, and I couldn’t quite find a comfortable position anymore.
Evan glanced at me.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just having trouble getting comfy. I can only imagine how you feel. You know my offer to drive stands, right?”
“I’m fine, I promise. Here. Stretch your legs this way.” He motioned to the area below the steering wheel.
I took the hoodie I’d hijacked from him, wadded it into a ball, and placed it over the armrest on the door. Then I shifted so my back was against it and stretched my legs out, over the console so that my feet settled in his lap. Ahh. Much better.
The pads of his slightly callused fingertips dragged across the sensitive skin on the top of my foot and my pulse skittered out of control. He traced up my shin and a zip of electricity shot up my core.
He seemed perfectly casual while I was over here practically panting, my nipples standing at attention, and not from the air conditioning this time.
His fingers skimmed back down, and as he fingered the charm on my anklet, I had the stray thought about wishing he’d finger something else.
Whoa. Not that sex hadn’t been a big part of my life for a while, back when I had a boyfriend, but usually my thoughts weren’t so fixated on it. I didn’t know whether that meant something was wrong with me or if something was finally right.
“A squirrel?” he asked as he glanced at the charm. “That’s… unexpected. I figured it’d be a unicorn.”
My smile stretched across my face, and my cheeks were seriously sore from how much I’d grinned and laughed today. “While I love unicorns, I’m more of a squirrel. Erratic. Chatters a lot. Easily distracted. Yet I’m also a planner, and squirrels are always saving nuts for winter, so apparently that also fit.”
“Apparently?”
“It was this thing between my friends. Madison, the one who’s wedding we’re going to, gave it to me. I was the squirrel, she was the fox, and…” There it was. The hurt that rose up whenever I thought about Paige. So I wouldn’t dwell on that, I focused on Madison. The reason I was making this drive. “She was the sly one who always got us into trouble. You know those charismatic, talk-you-into-anything kind of people?”
“You have no idea,” Evan said.
“We got into trouble together a lot—she’d get these crazy ideas and I’d find myself going along, even as my common sense told me how bad an idea it was. We’ve been friends since grade school, and so many of my memories involve adventures with Madison. And while she got me into plenty of trouble, she was also the first one there when I needed anything. She always had my back. One day we were at the mall and we saw these charm bracelets, and we each got the animal who represented us. Like I said, she got the fox, I got the squirrel, and then Paige, the friend who… you know. Before that mess, we were this threesome who did everything together…”
My heart squeezed into a painful knot as I thought about how it’d never be that way again.
Sure, graduating and moving away had changed the dynamic some, and while I was working on forgiveness, forgetting was a whole other thing, one I’d never be able to do.
Then I noticed the silence and worried I’d finally bored Evan, and I’d rather charge on with something else than go back to feeling like he was only half-listening to the important stuff. “Don’t worry, I’m going to change the subject to something cheerier now.”
“Sorry,” Evan said. “My mind froze up for a second when you said ‘threesome.’”
I playfully kicked his leg. “Such a guy thing to say.”
“Guilty as charged,” he said, then he wrapped his hand around my foot, the warmth of his palm soaking into my skin and sending a flush of heat up my leg to settle low in my gut. “In case you haven’t noticed, I am a guy.”
“Oh, I’ve definitely noticed.” In fact, I was acutely aware of his muscular thigh underneath my foot, the way the firm line in his forearm stood out, and how every inch of him dripped masculinity. Once again I marveled that he’d somehow chosen me of all the more put-together women who undoubtedly hit on him.
A grin curved his lips as he renewed the drag of his fingers. “Don’t take that as me not being interested, though. It’s more I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but nothing I come up with seems good enough. I can tell your friends hurt you, yet clearly you miss them.”
For some reason, his saying it out loud made tears prick my eyes. It wasn’t a newsflash or anything. “I do. I miss them. Like I don’t want to miss Paige, and I’m so mad and hurt, and the betrayal…” To my dismay, my voice cracked. “But I miss her anyway. And I don’t want to punish Madison for still being friends with her, but it feels like she picked her. I know that’s not fair, because they live in the same town, and they have history, too. I guess I never thought I was cool enough for them anyway. Hanging out with Madison and Paige made me more interesting. More fun.”
“That’s not true. You’re plenty interesting and fun—who else could make a stop at a gas station so much fun? Seriously, I’ve laughed more on this trip with you than I have in months.”
“You always seem to have plenty of fun no matter what you do or where you go.”
He turned those ridiculously blue eyes on me, so much intensity in them that my breath caught in my throat. “Not like I’ve had with you the past few days. Trust me, it’s different.”
“Well, I feel the same way.”
“No matter what happens after this, just…”
Apprehension rose. Why did it seem like he was getting ready to say goodbye forever? Not only were we only halfway through our road trip, all of a minute or so ago, I thought we’d reached a deeper level in our relationship. “Kind of a bad place to stop, dude. I know I’m the queen of rambling and probably don’t know when to stop talking—for example right now, I just keep blathering on and on because I’m afraid of what you’re going to say next, but…” I pulled my feet off his lap and hugged my knees against my chest in case I needed them for a shield. “Yeah.”
“Sorry,” Evan said. “I clearly suck at this.”
“This being…?”
He swallowed, his gaze flicking to the road before coming back to me. “I just want you to know how awesome you are. It’s like you don’t realize it, and I don’t understand how that’s possible. When we go to the wedding, I promise that I’ll be right by your side and that I’m here for whatever you need, but also know that you will be just fine no matter what happens.”
“Because you’ll be with me?”
Was that sadness or resignation that flickered across his face? “Because you’re you, and I have faith you could take on the world if you set your mind to it.”
Such a nice thing to say, and yet that frustrated yet flattered yet confused sensation set in again.
17 Ethan
Holy shit, I was screwing this all up. Everything I wanted to say had all these strings attached, and if I could follow through on those strings, I’d be all for attaching them.
That thought hit me like a sucker punch. Hadn’t I decided that I didn’t have time for a relationship right now?
Figures that I’d find a girl I’d want to take a risk on in the one place I couldn’t go. At her mention of her charismatic friend who talked her into crazy things, my mind went right to my brother. Although I didn’t miss cleaning up his messes and the trouble I’d ended up in because of him, now and then I missed our misadventures. I’d told myself that I had to grow up, and I had, but sometimes it felt like I’d forgotten to let go.
To have fun.
Until I landed here on this road trip with Gwen, who’d reminded me how amazing it could be to let loose a little and live in the now. Which was why I was glad Evan wasn’t here for this mess of an adventure. It meant I got to be the one with Gwen’s feet in my lap, with her opening up to me, which caused more of that gut-wrenching confliction.
Living in the now, remember? Not like it was much of a choice. Once again, leaving her without a reliable ride—preferably one she didn’t want to murder and leave in the woods—wasn’t an option, and after everything she’d told me, I refused to do anything that’d cause her to have to go to tomorrow’s wedding alone, either. It’d be selfish to confess to relieve my guilt only to leave her without someone to lean on.
Or maybe that was yet another justification, one that’d later be piled to my list of crimes.
“Is it weird that taking on the world sounds easier than forgiveness?” she asked, and it took my mind a second to recall what we’d been talking about before my inner monologue decided to present closing arguments.
“You don’t have to forgive everyone by tomorrow.”
“It’d make things a lot easier.”
“Maybe. But forgiveness is easier said than done. That said, I also think we could all use some forgiveness once in a while.” It was such a lawyer thing to do, setting up a defense in advance, just in case. My dad would be proud. Under different circumstances, I might be.
“True. And I know that my sense of fair and right has often made me come across as a wee bit judgy.”
“Justice is important—it’s something I’m a big advocate of.”
“You are?”
“Why do you sound so surprised?” Duh, because Evan didn’t care about the law like I did, but I decided that standing in for my brother didn’t mean I couldn’t be more honest with her about who I was. With any luck, it’d help me deal with the guilt. “I do work at a law office, after all.” Or I would soon, and I had before, and now my definition of honesty was tiptoeing toward a gray area.
This is trickier than I thought.
“Yeah, but I thought you just filed and stuff like that. I had no idea you cared about the cases you were doing paperwork for.”
“Admittedly, I’d like to move beyond filing. I’m going to get more serious about it, too.”
“If you’re passionate about it, I think that’s a good idea.”
“I am.” I was also about to nerd out, but I couldn’t help myself, and more than that, I wanted to tell Gwen. To go a bit deeper and talk to her the way she’d talked to me when she’d admitted the stuff about her past and her friends. “Some people like law because they say it’s always the same. A set of rigid rules. But that’s not necessarily justice. Justice means being impartial or fair, and it can change depending on the circumstances. It wouldn’t be fair to simply punish all people the same way without looking at what led them to their crimes. Every person has different problems going on in their lives, and I like to help them solve their problems, or at least try to help find a way back from them.”
Funny, because in some ways, cleaning up my twin brother’s messes had meant a lot of problem solving. Maybe growing up with him was simply great hands-on training. “There’s also a dignity about the courtroom and the privilege of representing others, along with the challenge to do it fairly and effectively. The other thing that I love about the law is that it protects those who ne
ed protecting. Children. The neglected, the abused, and the at-risk are given a voice.”
“Hearing you talk about it that way, I’m surprised you’re not looking to become a lawyer yourself.”
“Well…” I glanced at her. “That’s actually the goal.”
“Not to sound judgy—the way I admitted I sometimes can—and I mean this in the nicest and most supportive way possible, but you might want to get started if that’s what you really want.”
I laughed. “Don’t worry, I realize I’m not getting any younger.”
Her hold on her knees loosened and she reached across the console and placed her hand on my forearm. “You know that’s not what I was saying. I guess I just want you to know that I believe in you. That if you want to be a lawyer, I believe you’ll not only be one, you’ll be an amazing one.”
Even though I’d already been through law school and passed the Bar, hearing her say that sent an unfamiliar sensation through my chest, one that was squishy and strange, yet oddly comforting. “Thank you. What about you? Are you happy at your job? You said you kind of fell into it.”
“I did, and while it’s not what I first pictured when I was getting my accounting degree, I love my job. I get to see a ton of cute animals and occasionally play with them, and I work with amazing people. There’s also new challenges that arise every day, which appeals to my squirrel nature.”
She grabbed a packet of M&Ms, tore open the top, and tossed a couple in her mouth. “Okay, one more question, and I want you to be completely honest…”
Tension crept across the line of my shoulders, but I promised myself I would tell the truth, even if I outed myself.
“You’re afraid to let me drive, aren’t you? Afraid I’ll scratch your precious car?”
“No.” A tiny part of me enjoyed the idea of her putting a scratch on it—it’d serve Evan right for not appreciating what he had. But the literal thought of a mark on such a beautiful, pristine car made my lungs seize up.