by Ao Jyumonji
“—Y-You idiot! You damned idiot! Why did you give it back?! You could’ve just kept it! If we’d split it three ways, that’d have been 34 silver for me and 33 silver each for you and Moguzo! You moron!”
“...Why are you getting the extra silver?”
“Because I’m me, duh! Dammit, what a waste! If we’d taken the money, we could have easily bought our Corps Badges!”
“I don’t think,” Moguzo furrowed his brow and frowned. “...I don’t think that would be right. I-If we bought our badges that way, M-Manato probably wouldn’t be happy... I feel.”
“Like I care!” Ranta spat venomously. “He’s gone now, anyway. Thinking about how he’d feel isn’t going to do us a lick of good. Dammit. That was a gold coin, you know? I’m amazed he can just give it away. Just how much money does that bastard Renji have? Meanwhile, here I am with just three silver...”
“Huh? Three silver?” Haruhiro stared hard at Ranta’s curly hair. “You’re kidding, right? Why do you only have that much? What did you spend it all on?”
“Oh, shove off. I spent it on lots of stuff. Lots of stuff. How I spend my money is none of your business.”
“...Keep it up, and you’ll never buy your badge.”
“Don’t you dare say that after pissing away the best chance I had at getting one!”
“This isn’t going to work,” said Haruhiro, resting his elbows on the table and hanging his head. “...At this rate, things aren’t going to work. I’m not talking about Manato, it’s not about that. This is a problem with us. Because, on that one point, you’re right Ranta. Manato is gone now.”
Ranta snorted. “I’m telling you, I’ve been thinking that all along.”
“Y-You just think it,” Moguzo said in a strong tone. “That’s no good. Just thinking it isn’t, isn’t enough, you, you have to do something about it.”
“...We’re all falling apart,” said Haruhiro, biting his lip.
“It’s not just Merry. Lately, I haven’t had a proper conversation with Yume or Shihoru either. It wasn’t like this before.”
Ranta rested his cheeks on his palms, looking to the side. “Let’s all get along, is it? But can we do that, after all this time?”
Can we do it, or can’t we? That, I don’t know. But, we have to do it.
15. Sorry
The first thing Haruhiro did was try talking to Yume and Shihoru as often as he could.
“By the way, this morning, how’d it go for you? Did you wake up all right? Huh? The same as usual? I see.”
“By the way, last night, what did you have for dinner? The same as usual? Oh, I see.”
“By the way, last night, I met Renji. It was amazing. Oh, you aren’t interested?”
“By the way, for lunch, what did you bring? Huh? Bread? I see.”
“By the way, are you tired?”
“By the way...”
It was starting to look like “By the way” was his catchphrase. They never outright ignored him, but they did the absolute least they could to answer, so it was pretty depressing.
Merry was as unapproachable as ever, so he could barely even talk to her.
Does she even enjoy life? he wondered. Well, then again, I’m not enjoying life much at the moment, either.
In the evening, after heading back to Alterna and selling off their loot from the Old City of Damuro, they had earned one silver, fifteen copper each. Not good, not bad, by their standards.
Haruhiro headed back to the lodging house without stopping by the tavern. After taking a bath, he was squatting in the hallway when Yume walked by, fresh from a bath of her own.
“Oh, Yume.”
Yume stopped, but she didn’t look his way. She was drying her hair with a towel. She always had her hair up in braids, so she looked like a different person with it down.
The awkward silence continued a few seconds.
“Uh, so... Where’s Shihoru?”
“Our room.”
“I see. Um...” Haruhiro stood up, scratching his neck. “...Are you mad?”
“Yume’s not mad.”
“Really? But, you seem like it.”
“Yume’s tellin’ you she’s not mad, okay? Or did you do somethin’ Yume should be mad about, Haru-kun?”
“I might have.”
“What’d you do?”
“I invited Merry to join the party without consulting you or Shihoru. I don’t think we could have continued as we were, but we rushed things, I think. Really. I didn’t make that decision entirely by myself, but...”
“Then whose fault is it?”
“Kikkawa introduced Merry to us, and me, Ranta, and Moguzo made the decision, so... Well, I guess the blame goes to all three of us.”
“That’s not it.”
“Huh?”
“It’s not, don’t you get it?”
“...Yume?”
“It’s not, all right?” Yume wiped her face with the towel. “That’s not how it is, see? Haru-kun, you dummy.”
“Huh? Wait, why—“ Haruhiro started to reach out towards Yume, then pulled his hand back. “Huh? Yume, hey, wh-what do you... mean?”
“You don’t understand a thing, Haru-kun. It’s because you’re like that. That’s why Yume and Shihoru ended up like this.”
“No, but...” Haruhiro looked down. “...I don’t get it, not like that. I mean, you two won’t talk to me. How am I supposed to know if you won’t tell me?”
“Yume’s not so good at relatin’ her feelings to others. Yume can’t do it so well, and Shihoru’s got it even worse than Yume.”
“W-Well, neither am I!” Haruhiro came close to shouting, but he restrained himself. “...Neither am I, at talking and stuff. It’s not something I’m particularly good at. Besides, I was in shock, too.”
“Yeah, so it was the same for all of us, wasn’t it?”
“That’s right. It’s the same... for all of us.”
“It’s all of our fault, then,” Yume said with a sob. “It’s not any one person’s fault it turned out like this. We’re all to blame. It’s not just Haru-kun, Ranta, or Moguzo’s fault, is it? It’s Yume and Shihoru’s fault, too, right? Is Yume wrong? I mean, we’re comrades, aren’t we? With Manato, we were six comrades, weren’t we? Was Yume the only one who felt that way? Is Yume wrong?”
“...You’re not wrong.”
That’s right, thought Haruhiro. Yume’s not wrong. I’m the one who was wrong.
Manato had said they’d become a good party. Manato, Haruhiro, Ranta, Moguzo, Yume, and Shihoru. The six of them together had been one party.
It was true, Manato had stood head and shoulders above the rest of the group. Still, Manato couldn’t have done anything and everything by himself. At the very least, they had done things as a group that Manato wouldn’t have been able to do alone. Manato must have been well aware of that.
That was why, even if Ranta was selfish, Haruhiro was bumbling and overdependent, Moguzo was slow and stupid, Yume was clumsy and awkward, and Shihoru was cautious to the point of cowardice, Manato had never complained.
Because they were all inexperienced or worse, they’d known that if even one of them went missing, the group wouldn’t function. That was why Manato had brought them all together. Each one of them supplemented the others’ weaknesses. With the six of them together, Haruhiro and the others were one party.
Whether good or bad, everything that happened affected them all. When times were hard, they were hard for everyone. Because, individually, they weren’t strong, the least they could do was all share their pain and suffering.
But Haruhiro hadn’t tried to do that. He had just used the easygoing relationship between guys to commiserate over beer with Ranta and Moguzo.
How had Yume and Shihoru felt about that? They must have felt ostracized and lonely.
“Sorry, Yume, I—” In the moment he started to say that, Haruhiro suddenly understood why Manato had apologized to him as he lay dying.
That day, Manato had praised
each of them, but he had said nothing about Haruhiro, and because of that, Haruhiro had been worried. Manato must have been concerned about that.
“That guy...”
In an instant, he couldn’t see anything. Could the tears really overflow this quickly? What little composure he had was easily washed away. Haruhiro crouched down.
That guy was so silly. Manato. What were you apologizing for? It was fine, really. It didn’t matter. You should have done something else. You had bigger worries. You were dying, right? You knew it was bad, didn’t you? Before you apologized to me, there must have been other things you wanted to say. You didn’t have to apologize to me. Though it was so like you to do it.
You said it yourself, Manato. That you felt like you were not the sort of person that anyone should be treating as a comrade. It wasn’t true. Absolutely not. How could it have been? Why? Why did you have to die? Don’t die. Don’t go dying on us like that.
“Haru-kun...” Yume crouched down and gave him a hug.
Yume was crying, too.
As they both sobbed, Yume patted Haruhiro on the back, the shoulders, and the head. When their cheeks touched, both were soaked with tears.
He heard Yume crying at his ear. Haruhiro held Yume tight and wept. He lost track of how long they stayed like that for.
He felt like he had cried until he could cry no more. Yume had stopped crying awhile ago, too.
And yet, they didn’t separate. He couldn’t find a good opening to break it off. It felt weird, now they were just sort of hugging.
She’s so soft, so warm... No, no. Stop. Don’t think about it. If I think about it, this’ll turn out bad. There’s no guarantee I won’t get into a weird mood. Of course, I’m pretty sure that’s not what Yume wants. Neither do I. How do I say it? To me, she’s a comrade, or something like that. Just a comrade.
“Haru-kun,” Yume suddenly said, and Haruhiro gave such a flustered and awkward “Uh, yeah?” that it made him hate himself a little.
“You know, Yume...” she went on.
“Y-Yeah?” he stammered.
“Yume’s gonna try her best,” she said, hugging him tighter.
Er, no, that feels good and all, but could you please stop...? And what do you mean, “try your best”?
“A-At what...?”
“With Merry. Dunno if we can get along, but Yume will try.”
“O-Oh. Th-That. Sure. That’s.... Well, it would help a lot, I guess.”
“Do you think Yume can do it? To be honest, Yume’s not so sure. Yume thinks Merry-chan hates her, you know?”
“Huh? You think that? I don’t think so.”
“It’s just once in a while, but when Yume looks into her eyes, they’re so cold. Like, the looks she gives, and her expression.”
“Nah, that’s not just for you, Yume. Merry’s equally cold to everyone.”
“She is? If that’s the case, maybe it’s okay. Doesn’t make her feel any more friendly, though.”
“Well... Fair enough, you may have a point there.”
“Do you think Yume can do it? Yume’ll do her best, but Yume has a request for Haru-kun.”
“A request? For me? What?”
“Yume just found out, when someone hugs her tight like this, it really calms her down. So, hug Yume more. Yume wants you to cheer her up, you know?”
“I-I don’t mind, I guess?” he stammered.
He wondered, Is this okay? but then decided, It’s probably okay. He was just encouraging her. He didn’t have any ulterior motives. It was purely something he was doing to encourage her.
“...Here goes,” he said.
When Haruhiro hugged her tightly, as tightly as he could, Yume let out a little moan.
Don’t do that, I’m just doing this to cheer you up! he thought. It felt like something was ready to explode inside his head, but he couldn’t very well ask her not to do that.
He couldn’t let himself lose here. He wasn’t sure what would be a loss and what would be a victory, but he knew that if he gave in here, it would be very, very bad.
Haruhiro closed his eyes. “Do your best, Yume.”
Yume nodded without a word.
When he opened his eyes, Shihoru was standing at the other end of the corridor. Haruhiro froze.
“...Oh.”
“Huh?” Yume looked in that direction, too. “...Oh.”
“Uh, uh, uh, um....” Shihoru started to stagger backwards. She was starting to freak out, but so were they. And... hold on, how long had Shihoru been there? Why hadn’t he or Yume noticed Shihoru approaching? Had they been too occupied to notice?
Regardless, this was bad. It would be all too easy for her to misunderstand the situation. Or, rather, it would be harder to not misunderstand the situation.
Haruhiro and Yume jumped away from one another at the same time.
“I-It’s not what you think!”
“It’s not what you think!”
After speaking in unison, they turned to look at one another despite themselves.
“I-I’m sorry, I...!” Shihoru backed away. “I-I didn’t realize at all, not before now, I-I’m fat, and d-dense, so I’m really sorry!”
“No, listen, it’s not what you think!” Haruhiro protested.
“Th-That’s right! Yume was just asking Haru-kun to give her a hug!”
“...Yume, that’s really not an appropriate explanation right now.”
“Oh? Why not?”
“I-I-I’m sorry for interrupting...!” Shihoru rushed off.
Yume groaned, rubbing her cheek with her hand. “Well, it’ll be fine so long as Yume explains it later. Yume and Shihoru share a room anyway, so that’s what Yume’ll do.”
“I’m counting on you to do that...” Haruhiro scratched his neck and sighed. He stole a glance at Yume.
This is no good. I’m feeling kind of embarrassed.
He should never have hugged a girl he didn’t really have special feelings for like that. What would he do if those feelings started to grow inside him because he did?
No, they’re not going to... but still.
16. When You Aim for the Top
When he left the lodging house the next morning, Shihoru suddenly apologized to him.
“U-Um! I... I’m sorry! I was convinced you two were in that sort of relationship... I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions! Yume explained what had happened to me, so...”
The apology was fine, but he did think he’d have been happier without her bringing it up in front of Ranta and Moguzo.
“Relationshiiiip?” Ranta’s nostrils flared as he drew in close to Haruhiro’s face. “What? What is this about a relationship? What kind, and between what people? Hmmmm?”
Haruhiro leaned back a little. “...It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing, now is it? Tell me. Talk! Spill it!” Ranta shouted.
“Listen, Shihoru said herself that she’d jumped to conclusions, didn’t she?” Haruhiro defended.
“Yeah, and I’m asking what happened that would make her jump to conclusions.”
“Now, listen,” Yume interjected.
She’d better not be about to say something she shouldn’t again! He would have liked for his fears to be for naught, but things went about the same as always.
“So, yesterday, Yume, she was having Haru-kun hug her, you see, and Shihoru saw that. That’s all it was.”
Moguzo’s eyes bulged out. “Whaaa...?!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoaaaaaa!” Ranta’s eyeballs nearly flew out of his skull. “What, seriously, how did that happen? Are you serious?! When did you and Haruhiro get to second base?!”
“What’s second base...? No, whatever second base is, Yume and I didn’t go there. That’s not it, we were—”
“How is that not it?! You were trying to do her, weren’t you?! You two were getting hot and busy when Shihoru walked in on you and you panicked and stopped, right?! You stopped halfway!”
“Haru-kun was crying, see,” Yume explained.
“...Yume, you don’t need to tell him that,” Haruhiro said.
“Huh?! Crying—” Ranta looked from Haruhiro to Yume, then scratched his curly hair. “...Oh, that’s all. That’s how it is. So, what, let me guess. It was a tearful parting, huh. Stupid Haruhiro got himself rejected, and Yume was doing it to console him out of pity. So, that’s how it was. I see now.”
“You’re totally off-base, but I don’t want to waste any more time explaining it to you...”
“Well, anyway,” Yume continued, with her usual laid-back attitude. Haruhiro envied her for that. “Yume, she’s decided she’s gonna try and be friends with Merry-chan. So, Shihoru will too. She said she’d try to cooperate.”
Shihoru looked down at the ground, clasping her staff tightly. “...I have zero confidence that I can do it. But I’ll try to do what I can, I guess.”
“Be friends?” Ranta frowned as hard as he could. “With Merry? That’s not possible. I mean, come on, you know she has no intention of being friendly, right?”
Moguzo hung his head. “...B-But it’s a bit tough the way things are. I wish we could just get her to at least heal us properly, you know...?”
Merry wasn’t just lacking in cooperation; there were issues with her performance as a healer, too. As Moguzo had said, she wouldn’t heal them normally. More specifically, she would leave minor wounds untreated.
Even if they asked her to heal them, it was no good. They would either get ignored, or flatly rejected. Obviously, if a wound impacted their ability to move around, or was life-threatening, she’d heal it for them, but they had issues with her willingness to leave a comrade in pain.
Manato hadn’t been like that. Whenever someone had gotten a scratch, he’d healed it right away. It let them feel that, even if they got hurt a bit, things would be fine.
They couldn’t feel secure that way with Merry. They worried that, when they really needed it, Merry might refuse to heal them. That she might abandon them. The thought gave all of them cold sweats.
“So, anyway,” Haruhiro looked around to each of his comrades except Ranta. He left Ranta out. “We need a relationship of trust, I guess you could say, with Merry. If we don’t start by building that, we can’t move forward. Merry may have her own reasoning behind how she does things. Because we don’t understand what it is, that may be why things aren’t going smoothly.”