Real pain hadn’t touched me like it did now. No joy had come close until I went away on the ski trip. It was all complicated, more so than people would ever know. Assumptions about the lives of teenagers were usually rough sketches of memories of youth and stereotypes.
The kind of life I’d been living didn’t fit into that category. There were too many shades coloring outside the black, white, and grey that everyone saw. Sometimes things slide into place and you can feel what direction your life is taking, whether it’s right or wrong.
Now, I was in the place I belonged with the person I needed to be with. The universe has perfect timing whether it seems like it or not. Everything is carried out as it must be. Olivia is my future, my past, and my present and I am hers.
Dad was long gone and I started to feel the night air chill me to a point beyond what I could take so I turned, taking the steps slowly. Up, up to my new home. The old one was still there and I would always have it. Home was not the structure but the people. The transition from one set of people to another didn’t have to exclude the old home.
I would love my parents until I died. It just wasn’t right for me to be there right now. They had a lot to work out for themselves and I had a life separate from them. I needed that to heal properly, to remove the bitterness from my taste of them.
Olivia waited at the top of the porch stairs. Her body was lit from behind and I couldn’t see her face but I knew her form. The wind picked up her dark hair and blew it across her face, making her look like a tragic heroine from a movie.
My steps became quicker and I came closer and closer until I could see her face. She was smiling, welcoming me back to her. Loved, that’s what I felt when I got within ten feet of her. I was orbiting the sun.
“Hey, have you been up here the whole time?” I asked.
“Not the whole time,” she said, taking me in.
“My creeper.” I pulled her in by the belt loop, putting my other hand on her face and kissing her hard and then pulling back just as quickly. “I love you.”
I was so close to her face I could hardly focus. Her eyes were dark and stormy, a little wild. Perfect, she was perfect but she would never get that. I wanted her and no one else. There wasn’t a person that could replace her and I just had to live with her not believing that fully. I could never explain it to her in a way that would erase doubt as tightly held as hers.
“You wanna go in?” I asked.
“Sure,” she sighed. “My mom’s tired. She said she needed sleep. Early day tomorrow.”
“Does that mean we get to bypass any more small talk?”
“Yes,” she said. “Though, I wouldn’t exactly call any of what just happened small talk. You’re supposed to stop me when I get like that,” she stared guiltily.
“Why should I stop you when you’re on a roll and you’re right?” I turned running my arm around her shoulders and walking into the house with her. “You needed to say those things. They needed to hear them and you did me a favor really. I wouldn’t have been able to tell my dad all that.”
“I was worried he’d hate me after… That’s why I sang,” she sighed out. “I probably seem crazy to everyone.”
I shook my head at her, touching her cheek lightly. “No one thinks you’re crazy. They just think that you had some things to get off your mind. And for the record, my dad has been totally on board with you since day one. Tonight you just made him love you more.” I kissed her temple and walked her past the open room and up to the stairs, pushing her ahead of me.
“You’re impossible to hate and that song you sang made him happier than I’ve seen him in years so stop worrying. He loves you, I love you and your mom loves you. Lots of Olivia love going around. So much that I’m going to get jealous pretty soon. I need all of your attention because I’m greedy like that.”
We made it to the landing and she opened the door to her room and I closed it after us.
“I don’t want to make people love me. I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying, even when I obviously am. I have a problem. I freaked out at my mom in front of your dad. I kissed you. I spilled your feelings. And then I got all hyper and sang like an idiot,” she was only seeing bad.
“Which was all fine. We knew it was going to be a weird emotional dinner and you didn’t do anything you should be embarrassed about. You were fine. You did not sing like an idiot. You sang like an angel and you made dad’s night. So, stop punishing yourself for something that isn’t a problem.”
She stopped talking but she still seemed embarrassed.
“I just didn’t want things to be weird for you. I was trying to distract them I think. And then I got mad. And then I got happy…”
“It was so much less weird than I expected. You did beautifully.” I held up two fingers, curling the rest into my palm. “Scout’s honor.”
I started to circle the room, stalking her a little like she was prey. “Now, I’ve gotta warn you. I’m a little hyper right now and I only know one way to deal with it. You’re going to have to take one for the team.”
She gave me a queer look while I got closer inch-by-inch.
“One what?” She asked, her eyebrow raised. She had her hands on my arms like she was ready to defend but I could see the intrigue.
I tossed my head to the side and crouched down ever so slightly. “Eh, why tell you when I can just..” I jumped at her, taking her down on the bed and mashing my lips to hers, my hands coming up to her face and then around into her hair, pulling her closer.
I felt her instantly whimper into my mouth, her chest already rising much faster than it had been. It was too easy to get her to rise.
She wasn’t scared of me, what she was however was responsive. Some might say weak.
I broke away, leaning up and pulling my shirt off and throwing it and tossing my bra after. Then I was on her again, taking what I needed from her mouth, placing her hands on my breasts and squeezing my hands on top of hers. I took them away when she got the idea and started to pull at her dress fabric, grazing my nails against the skin of her stomach as I did.
“You need to get up for a second.”
“I don’t want to,” she said, shaking her head as she stared up at me and smiled.
“Seriously?” I shook my head a little. She was playing with me. With a little strength I reached down and pulled her up by her arms and started to take her dress off. I unzipped the back, reaching around and then pulling it off her shoulders and pushing it down to her torso.
When I slid off the bed she just watched me, sitting there with a cocky look on her face. I groaned when I saw that. She was so sexy when she was testing me. I walked up between her legs, parting them with mine. Then I pushed her back on the bed, tugging on the dress to get it off her. As I stepped back I pulled it the rest of the way off and left her there, legs hanging off, feet on the floor.
I saw what I wanted. I just stared at her for a moment, taking in how vulnerable she was to me right now. She started to move but I stopped her with a hand on her knee. “Stay.” I moved my hand up her leg and to her waist where I grabbed her panties and tugged them, my other hand joining the fight to get them off.
She wasn’t helping me so I had to pull hard. My teeth ground as I got a little agitated with her lack of participation but it also made me want her more. No preamble needed, I spread her legs and got on my knees licking up her sex and toying with her clit until she was weak for me.
As soon as I touched her she made a noise she couldn’t control. It was between a moan and a scream. I felt her hands in my hair, both pulling me to stay and begging me to be careful. She could never want just one thing. She always had to be complicated.
Figuring her out was half the fun. I couldn’t have mercy this time though. I needed her. I didn’t slow, I just kept on, adding my fingers to plunge into her and take it all. Her legs tried to close on my body but I grabbed her thighs and dug my hands into them, pushing them wide open so she was presented to me fully. That left me wi
th the opportunity to go inside her with my tongue. I twisted delving into her, licking up everything I could get, loving her hard.
She couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t make a sound. Instead she tensed and tried to be still, every bit of her tight. I saw her hands grip hard on the down comforter on both sides of her body. When I’d spread her legs with my hands her hands had come up to try and stop mine but she had no strength and ended up just touching them, she couldn’t fight. Now she was frozen and letting me do to her what I wanted, her hands balled in the fabric of the soft down, her body still and so near paralysis.
I knew if it was far too much she would stop me but that wasn’t what I was thinking in those moments of enjoying her. I wanted to take her to places that I dreamed of when I thought of her in the night. Even while I was trying to go to sleep I thought of the way I loved her and how I could take this impactful, ethereal landslide of cosmic love and put her there so she could see what she did to me.
She was so still but I kept going, pulling her closer and closer, hearing the little screams that came out of her from up above, the gasps for air. Even as I was taking her she still had me on my knees begging for more of her. I kept my hands on her legs, nails digging into her skin. She jumped a little when I brought my tongue back to her clit, her entire body shaking.
I sucked it in between my lips, rubbing it and using the tip of my tongue to swipe against the top and then I brought my teeth forward, rubbing their hardness against her sensitive flesh.
She let out a desperate scream, my name, near a whisper, she was pained.
I lifted my head to give her a slight reprieve, taking myself up her body to kiss her, sloppy and hard. As she moaned into my mouth I entered her with two fingers and fucked her hard, feeling every sound she made against my lips. My hand came at her faster and faster, bursting her into rubble around me.
I wanted to hear her so I took my mouth away going to her neck. I didn’t care about appearances anymore. I sucked and bit at her flesh now using my whole body to push into her. My arm was pressed against my stomach and thigh, giving me more force, pushing her up and up. I moved my mouth down her body, tugging at her with my teeth, sucking the blood to the surface, leaving memories underneath her skin.
She was close to exploding and I was impatient. I flicked my thumb up to her clit and rubbed. I knew I would be as sore as she was and that only made me keep up my pace. I reached up grabbing her face, my palm on her chin, pulling her head down to look at me. “Baby, do you want to cum?”
She looked down and saw me, as soon as I spoke though her eyes rolled back and her head slid on the mattress, chin pointing up, as she wailed for me in anguish. “There you go,” I coaxed. I leaned down again and took her nipple between my lips, unable to resist. They were near my face, hard and tight and I couldn’t let her orgasm without playing with them. I bit, rolling the pebbled flesh in my mouth and she cried out again.
My hand slacked in its motion. The angle was getting uncomfortable but I took three last big thrusts into her, drawing her out, feeling even more wetness on my hand as she spasmed around me. I gripped her hair and tugged back a little moving up to kiss her mouth one last time before I stilled, letting her relax. Not that she could.
I let myself fall onto her body. We were both breathing hard, undone by everything that had just happened. I pressed my nose close to her ear. “That’s what you make me want to do to you just by breathing near me.”
She was gasping for air. “Did I hurt you?” I needed to check. It wasn’t full force because I knew how sensitive she was but I’d gone about everything quick and given her no time to breathe. I was a little fearful.
She didn’t talk but she at least tried to shake her head back and forth to tell me no. Her eyes were shut up tight and she was still feeling everything, still reacting as if I were still touching her just the same. I rolled off of her and slid to the end of the bed, pulling her up until we were both all the way on and I just let her breathe and recover.
The high ceiling stared down at me dark with shadows that rolled across the surface, reflections from the pool downstairs that came in through the window. I could hear her breathing and I knew she would get cold soon so I pulled the comforter up around our bodies and let my hand lie on her skin. I needed to be touching her somewhere, my anchor.
In the middle of her quick breaths I could hear sobs. I turned my head to see that her face was wet with tears but I knew it wasn’t bad. I don’t know how. Usually, I would freak and try to fix whatever had made her sad but what we’d done was just intense.
I rolled to my side, fitting my body into her side and kissing her cheeks where the tears were falling. I could taste them. Her emotion melded into me until I was almost crying with her but I just kept kissing her, cradling her face in my hands.
She reached for me and kissed me back, whimpering in between wanting me again and again as she kissed me slow and breathed into me more than anything else. “Something crazy, beautiful and fateful happened when I met you. I need you to know that I can’t share this with anyone else. I know you doubt that but it’s okay because you’ll see in twenty years when I haven’t gone anywhere that I was right.”
She still couldn’t speak. I heard a small sound from her as she pulled me in to kiss her again and then lay her forehead against mine to try and breathe.
This whole time she was having a hard time getting her eyes open, a hard time settling. A hard time coming back.
“I could say anything right now and you wouldn’t be able to respond,” I mused aloud.
Her head turned and she gave me a withering glare.
“I’m just sayin’.” I hummed and pursed my lips. “You want to hear a secret?”
She exhaled, holding herself close to me and letting herself come down in her own time.
“When I didn’t think I could be with you the only thing that made me feel better was thinking about you like this. I thought about touching you a lot.”
“What?” She broke her silence, still slightly panting. Even her word sounded pained. She still wasn’t quite ready to speak but she must’ve forced herself.
“I thought that as long as I could have you in my head it would be okay but it wasn’t enough. Obviously.”
“You didn’t have time,” she said skeptically, her brows furrowed.
“I didn’t have time to think about you? I’ve done nothing but think about you for three weeks.”
“You said before,” she groaned, pushing me to lay back so she could rest on my chest.
“Before I gave in. You know when I was running like an idiot.”
“I gave you three hours, tops,” she smiled, rubbing her nose into my skin and breathing me. She was finally coming back.
“Excuse me? I remember it much, much longer.” I switched my head back to look up at the light again. “An hour without you is too much time.”
“Think about it,” she said, running her fingers down my bare chest. “When did I kiss you?” She asked.
“A long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away.”
“You tortured me,” she whined, her hand stopped and pushed against me just a bit since she was frustrated. “I kissed you and then you were nowhere.”
“And so I tortured myself. I tortured both of us because I couldn’t handle being so in love with someone so quickly. I was a coward.”
I wanted to go back and punch myself then. Shake my own shoulders and give my mind the view of Olivia that I had now.
“But I think I had to freak out so that I could feel what I could miss by not giving it a chance.”
“I was scared too,” she said. “Sometimes I think I'll always be scared. I want you in such a way. It's not rational and, romantic as I am, I'm usually a rational thinker.”
“I know,” I whispered.
She was my air, without her I’d pass. I knew it was the same for her. “You don’t have to tell me. I know us like a play I was born to be in. Except we’re real and there’s no script, just lif
e.”
“You're intense like that,” she said, finally looking at me. “Like a play. So many words. The ones not said most important. You're just like that.”
“I know,” I said again.
I pushed my nose in her hair and closed my eyes, holding onto her.
“Fuck,” she exhaled painfully. “You really fucked me up.” I think she was talking about the sex. The way she tried to move but couldn't told me that much.
“I was afraid of that but I had to do it. You were looking at me from the top of the stairs like a siren and I couldn’t help myself. I had no choice. You didn’t even have to sing and I was under a spell.”
“No choice,” she repeated, exhaling a laugh.
“You haven’t seen you or touched you. You can’t possibly understand the fucking magnetism. I don’t understand it and I feel it. I’d run a marathon, die, get up and run some more.”
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 7