Life was perfect like this. Her arm holding my skin against her skin.
I love her face when she reads. She’s so serious sometimes and it kills me. Strange as it is, she’s a lot like her dad.
She didn’t look up from the book. She just started reading, to tell me that this was the purpose she derived from the act of reading itself.
“But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind.”
She took her eyes from the page and focused them on me, letting me see the words reflected in her. She was in pain still but it was made bearable now.
I pulled my hand up to her face and forced her to turn so I could kiss her.
As soon as I began to kiss her I felt that pain was a distant shadow overpowered by everything else.
“And what then of sweet lingering pain?” I asked lovingly, searching her face. Not all pain is bad pain. To let yourself love can be sweet pain like this. When the fear mixes in with the hope the end product is no longer simple, it’s complex.
“You’re right. There are a lot of different types of pain. Just like there are a lot of different types of love. More than we can ever know. I don’t think love and pain can exist without each other.”
I braced myself on her arm and breathed her in.
“You’re very complex this morning Miss Lockhart. Have you been up long? Thinking?” I sighed, pretending to be troubled by her. I was the opposite of troubled. I was relieved. Every day I woke up in her arms I felt relieved.
“I’m always very complex Miss Holbrook. I just don’t like people to know there’s more to me than a pretty face. It makes them interested to know more sometimes.” She was half teasing. I got the impression that it was true though.
“I’ve been up long enough to read three chapters at a leisurely pace and now I can be done with thinking since you’re awake and looking so gorgeous.”
“Pray yes, but the quote that you chose to welcome me into the light was a quote on shadows and pain. What an interesting way to set the tone for our day. Not enough doom and gloom. More you ask? Isn’t that interesting?” I smiled, teasing her.
“Oh, I guess I should have read A Clifford the Big Red Dog book but there weren’t any around so Margaret Atwood had to do.” She sighed. “Really you should blame it on your reading collection.”
“Hey!” I hit her arm. “There are happy things in here.”
How dare she imply.
No, Clifford the Big Red Dog?!
Why would anyone want to read that?! It was a joke, yes?
Maybe…
“Getting violent so early!” She laughed and grabbed the hand that I’d hit her with, bringing it to her lips. “You know I’m just messing with you. Your reading selection is expansive and crazy excellent.”
“Crazy excellent,” I repeated skeptically, taking my hand back and stealing the book.
“Yes,” she said. “I’ve seen the billions of books in your room.” She frowned when she no longer had my hand.
I took her hand in mine and pulled her fingers up to trace my lips.
When I couldn’t stand not tasting her I did, taking her finger into my mouth and sucking lightly like I loved. Doing that to her did something to me, it stirred me up inside, she couldn’t know.
“I would like to be the air that inhabits you,” I quoted from memory, taking her finger away from my mouth. “For a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary…” I savored her taste and the feeling of it. Of knowing I was sometimes, or all the times, or who knew how or when but she felt me like that, sometimes I was inside her everywhere. “Margaret Atwood,” I said, pulling her hand down to my chest and rolling to rest on her body.
“Is this some kind of positive reinforcement therapy?” She shuddered a little as the air cooled her fingers. “You read me happy quotes and make me shiver with your mouth?”
“Yes,” I smiled, breathlessly. “You started it though. Pain and shadows remember? This was all you.”
If she had complaints she could file them elsewhere.
No time today for yesterday’s debris.
Not yet anyway.
I cleared my mind, pushing off of her and crawling to find my suit and put it on.
It was still wet and cold eventhough I’d tried to place it near the fire to cool.
“How do you do this every day?” I asked. “Damp suits. Living in water?”
I was teasing for the hell of it.
We’d spent enough time asking serious questions. Now was the time for the not so serious.
“I don’t know. How do you stand to read as much as you do?” She teased. “It’s just part of who I am.”
“Reading gives me life,” I said, my eyes widening. I hated when she tried to touch that or make fun of it. “It doesn’t involve anything physical,” I scrunched my forehead. “I don’t have to be damp. Well…” I stopped talking. Reading did cause physical reactions and I did like them and sometimes hate them. “Has a book every made you sick?” I asked, taking her suit and throwing it at her so she’d dress.
“No but swimming has.”
She took the suit and pulled it on.
“Reading’s made me sick. I feel things when I read. Things I don’t normally feel much of with people. You know… Besides you,” I teased, turning to clean.
Thinking of that quote while touching Avery… That did things to me…
I knew she must’ve felt it.
I packed the record player up and shoved it back in the other room, stacking the records right next to it in a neat pile and eventually bringing the candles back to where they belonged. I gathered our clothes and folded them on my knees before taking them back to the dresser. Secretly I was happy to have more things of hers to smell. Creep factor was really getting up there. I couldn’t get enough. I did want her inside me all the time. It was strange.
So addicting.
Lastly I started to fold the blankets and put them away.
I couldn’t leave messes, they would bother me later if I was agitated.
When I had nothing else to clean I had to shoo Avery from the bed.
“Up,” I said, pulling at her hands and then pushing her back onto the wall to make sure she could stand.
I turned and took to the covers, pulling them up and fluffing the pillows.
When I looked around, everything seemed right.
“I’d help you but I think I’d just get in your way and I like to watch you clean.” She came closer, reaching out. “Does that make me a bad fiancé?” She chuckled.
“It makes you a frustrating fiancé,” I said, hitting her chest lightly with the hand she wasn’t holding. It was hot in the treehouse now and I was already beginning to sweat. Sometimes it worked like a greenhouse since the light had no trouble hitting it. I had fans but I didn’t want to turn one on if we were just about to go down anyway.
“Yeah, I figured as much. I just like watching you move around with all that purpose. It’s sexy but I promise I’ll help when you need it. I’m not a jerk.” She kept the hand I hit her with, capturing it with her other hand. “You want to go down now?”
“Not really but I’m starving and it’s hot,” I said. I wanted to dive into the pool really and I was about to. I wouldn’t go all crazy and swim the entire length of the English Channel like Avery fucking did every time she came near water but I would need to be soothed just a bit before I could even think about cooking or living by the light of the day.
“What do you want?” I asked, touching my nose to her neck and feeling her twitch. She had me so close to her. She couldn’t ask me what I wanted. All I wanted was to be close. That’s it.
“You.” She said the word in a whisper. “But I’ve got you so I think we need to cool off. I’m dying in this heat.”
It’d probably be cool outside. It was reaching midday but still compared to the hot-box it would fee
l nice.
“Come on then,” I said, pushing off of her and leading her down.
I let go of her at one point and ran.
I’d run the stone steps many times. The heat could get bad if you let it. My feet took the stones as practiced until I reached the small brick wall that divided one part of the pool from another. I took it like a balance beam, knowing I’d beat her since I knew the way.
A small bend in my knees and I dove.
The water devoured me as I floated through it and struggled to come up.
“Whoa,” I said, feeling the relief.
As soon as I came up I saw her dive after me, slicing through the water like a knife.
I didn’t even have a moment until her hands were around my waist and she had me lifted up in a hug.
Laughter took over me.
I only calmed when she did, turning me into her and staring.
“You’re good at that,” I said smiling. I couldn’t help it, I had to kiss her. No choice.
I pulled her in and felt her pulling my legs around her body beneath the water.
“Lots of practice,” she said, spinning us out of pure joy.
I rest on her body and let her move me.
The sun felt good on my shoulders and the water so cool on my skin. When she held me like this it was perfect.
I wondered if it was lame how much I liked it but I wasn’t about to ask her.
“Okay,” I said. “I need food.”
It was probably at least midday. I was starving the night before, I hadn’t even eaten as much as I wanted to and I’d eaten a lot for me.
“Then let’s get you to food.” She charged across the pool, carrying me to the other side. “Do you want to go somewhere or find something here. You’re probably starving like me. We’ve been getting a lot of exercise.”
“Whatever’s fastest,” I said. I was starving.
She was the one moving us but I was the one breathing hard.
It was hilarious actually.
“I can make us something,” I suggested. I didn’t mind it at all. Our kitchen was always stocked.
“Or I can make us something. Can I take care of you for once?” She smiled at me as she hoisted me up to the side of the pool.
“Hey, what do you mean for once? You always take care of me,” I said lovingly. She’d just carried me through the pool.
“Well, I mean I want to do things for you. Stupid domestic things. I can’t promise I’m a good cook but I’d like to try.”
She was actually blushing right now, looking away and blushing.
“Really?” I asked. I hoped I didn’t look too weirded out by it. I just hadn’t been expecting that.
We didn’t have roles or anything. It wasn’t anything like that.
It was just…
I dunno…
I guess I had been the one to take her out and feed her and cook for her even.
I guess I took that over.
That wasn’t fair.
“I’d love that,” I said, realizing it.
“Okay, well, I’ll try to make it edible then.” She shrugged off her shyness and lifted herself out of the pool. “You should go shower or something and I’ll figure out where things are and get started.”
I didn’t really want to shower without her.
But she wanted this so…
“Okay,” I said, agreeing.
She gave me a hug, tugging our wet bodies together and breathing into my neck.
“I didn’t really want to be away from you but I guess I can make myself,” I whispered as she hugged me.
“Vi,” she said. “You say things like that and my entire body goes weird and warm and I just can’t stop touching you.” She started to kiss my neck, up to my cheek and then to my lips. “We should just shower together,” she whispered.
“I can't help it,” I said meekly. “And fine,” I groaned, her hands holding firm at my sides.
“I can’t either,” she let go of me and took my hand. “Come on, I need to get you all naked and wet again.” She grinned back at me before taking off, pulling me with her.
We couldn't live like this. The way we touched was always more important than everything else. How could I think about wanting food when I knew I could have her?
When we got up to my bathroom she turned to me and tugged my suit top off and then my bottoms, letting me step out of them while she took off her own. I stepped over and turned on the water so it would be warm.
She made me nervous still even now. When she danced around me and touched me places it was still a surprise.
We stepped in the water and I felt her pull herself into me so we'd both be equally soaked in heat.
I tried to breathe but she kissed me, her hand gentle on my neck as she did.
I loved us sweet like this. I loved her breaking me this way.
The way she kissed me last night for probably hours. The way she kept me and had full control.
She broke away to grab the loofa and put body wash on it, taking care to be gentle when she started to rub it on my skin. She cleaned all of me, even getting down on her knees to wash my legs and feet and then she got back up and pushed me further under the spray, kissing me again as the suds washed away and down the drain.
I leaned my forehead onto hers and forced myself to have words. “You're too good at everything,” I said. Especially this…
“Thanks, but, is too good bad?” She was joking. As always unable to take my compliments.
“Yes,” I said. “The best kind.”
I took the loofah from her hand and forced myself to move away from her and wash her too. Her body was perfect and it hurt now to notice the scars. My eyes were looking for them now and I felt them doing it.
I let my hands move slowly and love her everywhere. When I turned her around I pressed my body to hers and held her close in a hug.
“You're so beautiful,” I said. I hoped she didn't hate when I said that.
“I’m glad you feel that way. I never think about those kinds of things. I just care if you think it.”
She put her hand on my cheek. “You’re too good to me too.”
“Not good enough,” I said, even knowing it would bother her. It was how I felt though. How I'd always feel. “Come on,” I said. “I want you to feed me.”
“You’re right,” she joked lamely. “I’m so mistreated. It’s ridiculous. All you do is love me and give me all of you and feed me and touch me and try to make me happy. No. You treat me well. And now I am going to go and feed you food so you can get some calories on board.”
She sighed and made sure all the soap was rinsed away.
“Come on,” I said, pulling her out and getting a towel for her.
It didn't have to be so serious all the time but it felt serious to have her like this. Maybe I was just too serious, maybe that was all it was.
I looked at her silently, watching her look up and see.
I gave her a smile before drying myself.
She couldn't know what I meant and she never would.
“I’m glad you used your wiles to get me to shower. I feel better now. A lot better.”
“Mmmhmm,” I hummed skeptically. She always felt good when I wasn’t torturing her with my internal dilemmas. “Come on, sexy,” I said, leading her out to the room.
“Now, I like that nickname.” She went to the closet and took some clothes and I watched her get dressed. She was sweet when she was happy. The way she hurried for no reason, all that energy she didn’t need.
I always felt slow next to her and only sometimes that wasn’t a bad thing.
Right now was one of those times.
Right now we had nowhere to be, nothing to do. We could be however and it wouldn’t matter so right now was good.
What I worried about was tomorrow.
Avery having to say those things she told me but in front of strange men and my mom.
My mom wouldn’t take it well. She was good with news when the news
had nothing to do with her.
She really liked Avery.
I’d never seen her instantly like anyone like that.
She was almost like me.
“Come on, get dressed,” Avery said, trying to hurry me along.
She looked good in my clothes.
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 13