“Okay, good,” she said, trying to stop herself from crying or lashing out. “Can you just go get my dress please. I don’t need to see her right now. I’m sure you know that’s probably not a good idea anyway.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.” I started up the stairs, weirded out that I felt sorry for Natalie. She wasn’t the beast I’d built up in my mind. She could definitely be a bitch but she really did love Olivia.
I opened the bedroom door and left it cracked, turning to see that Olivia was up.
Her stillness frightened me. When I noticed her she noticed me too. We both froze. She was sitting on the edge of the bed with the dress in her lap and she had her face in her hands when I’d come inside.
I watched her hand move carefully. She held the dress out to me. Asking me to give it to Nat without words. Her face was so grave.
I took the dress and ran my fingers along her cheek. She was tired and broken again today and I’d helped to make her that way. I was ashamed.
“I’ll be right back,” I whispered.
I put the dress over one arm and left the room, taking the stairs quickly. Natalie was still waiting at the bottom. She looked like she had a little more control over her emotions now. I stepped off the last stair and handed her the dress.
She took it from me gently and hung it over her opposite arm. But before she turned to go she pulled me in by my hoodie near my neck and made me see her. “She’s a beautiful person,” she whispered. “She doesn’t think she deserves it but she deserves the best. She deserves everything she wants. Don’t let her forget.”
She bit her bottom lip and stared, finally letting me go. “And thanks,” she said, forcing a smile and motioning to the dress. “You’re cute Avery,” she laughed bitterly. “I don’t like you. ‘Cause I can’t. But you’re really cute.”
As soon as she’d come, she’d up and gone.
I listened to her start up her car and drive off and I stared at the closed door. I had a rare opportunity. The person I loved, loved me back and I couldn’t waste it. Natalie was right. We could never like each other just because of the circumstances and our temperaments but I respected her love for Olivia.
I trudged up the stairs and back to the room, sliding onto the bed and pulling Olivia in again.
“She’s gone,” I stated.
I didn’t know what else to say. Her words before Natalie came stung. I listened to her but she felt like I didn’t hear her. I didn’t want to talk for fear of disturbing her.
“Are you okay?” She asked, worried. She didn’t move, she just let me hold her. She was so still.
“Yeah, I’m good. Are you okay?”
She laughed. “Not really,” she confessed. “I sort of heard all that down there and I already wasn’t okay.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to have to hear. I should have tried to get her to go outside or something.”
I didn’t want her hurting over this right now.
“You couldn’t have known,” she choked out. “Hell, I didn’t even know, not really. I mean… I suspected but...”
“That she loved you?”
“I’m a horrible person,” Olivia said quietly.
I tightened my grip on her and fought back my anger.
“No, you’re not. This isn’t a situation where you assign blame. Relationships are just like that sometimes. You’re a good person.”
“A good person would’ve noticed a lot sooner,” she swallowed. “But I’m not just talking about that. That’s only the half of it.”
“All good people make mistakes. She doesn’t seem like the kind of person that love would be easy to read in.” I wished I could say more but I didn’t want to assume anything about Natalie. “What’s the other half?”
“If you’re close to someone you shouldn't try to guess or ignore or make up what they feel,” she said. “And the other half is this,” she said squeezing me. “I wound you up, on accident, then got mad at you when you spun off.”
“You didn’t wind me up. I wound me up. I was being crazy. You should be mad at me.” I left the first part alone because she wouldn’t hear me. “I’d feel the same way as she did if I were her but I still know that sometimes things just happen and people do things, ignore things. That doesn’t make them bad people.”
“I’m not mad at you,” she said. “I’m scared. And I feel responsible.”
“You’re not responsible. It was my out of proportion reaction to something that triggered my issues. This is my responsibility. I’m just sorry I worried you.”
“What would happen if I really hurt you Avery?” Her voice got dark. “Stupid friend of mine taunts you effortlessly and you're out cold on the street where cars drive. What would happen if I really hurt you? How can I not be scared?! You hurt me and I just cry that’s all… I hurt you and there’s physical pain. You go near-death, violent. Extreme.”
Sometimes our conversations went in circles. No progress, nothing but our need to make each other understand things we never seemed to grasp.
“I’ve been in an extreme kind of part of my life and I don’t react well sometimes but I’m getting better at managing it. The fence thing wasn’t on purpose. That was a weird coincidence that isn’t going to happen again..’
“The fence wasn’t on purpose. The lake wasn’t on purpose. Ben wasn’t on purpose. I’m not blaming you,” she said. “I’m not saying it’s your fault. It’s not your fault. I know that none of these things were on purpose.”
“I’m saying we can’t predict things but I would rather have you and have you maybe someday hurt me than not have you. I just know it will get better as we go on and get past all the bullshit in our lives right now.”
“You keep saying that. You keep saying bullshit,” she pointed out. “I don’t think of things like that. I can’t.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, bitterly. “Maybe if I stop talking you won’t feel the bullshit.”
She turned into me and held herself to me, wanting me to hold her.
“I can’t help thinking that the bullshit is me,” she confessed. “You wouldn’t be talking about any of this if you weren’t with me. You wouldn’t have to think. You wouldn’t have to analyze all this stuff and feel this way all the time. I know you love me. But it’s true. I’m forcing you to have to think about things, hard things. And sometimes I forget how fucking presumptuous that is and how dangerous.”
What in the world did she think I meant. She had nothing to do with the crap in my life. I closed my eyes and moved so she could burrow into me.
“The bullshit I’m referring to is Ben. It’s my dad, it’s my mom, and it’s my issues with Adam. I’d have to think about them if you were in my life or not. I just wouldn’t be facing them if it wasn’t for you. That’s a good thing. You have to face the hard things in your life or you never get somewhere and I want to go somewhere… with you,” I finished, sighing.
“I want to make you happy,” she whispered painfully. “I want to be good for you.” She was shaking again.
“You do and you are. I can’t be one hundred percent happy all the time though. You made me happy on a level I didn’t think was possible. If you weren’t here and tomorrow was happening I’d be a wreck but I’m laying here holding a conversation with you. If it wasn’t for you I’d probably never have told anyone about Ben and I’d realize too late what he really did to me and what he was going to do to some other girl after I left.”
“Don’t think about that,” she said. “Please.”
“I can’t help it. I do. Just like you think of things that could have happened or things you did that you wish you hadn’t.”
That was just part of life.
“I don’t understand why you don’t think I’m happy with you.”
“Were you present the last 2 hours?” She asked. “Were you on this plain?”
“Yes, and I’m in bed with you right now and I’m happy you’re here. I was happy when you found me outside. I was dreamin
g about you and our honeymoon. Every part that was about you was happy. Every part that was my own insecurity eating me alive made me crazy.”
“You say things like that and it just makes it worse for me though. When I’m a fantasy it’s good. When you’re stuck in a room with me, and I’m talking, it’s a mess.”
“I’m stuck in a room with you right now and it’s good. You feel good. You weren’t a fantasy when you found me. You weren’t a fantasy when we were having sex or eating after I cooked for you. I never had those moments of happiness before. It makes the less than happy moments bearable.”
“My mind is sick,” she said, nothing more.
“You mean, you think you’re crazy?”
My mind was and always would be sick in some ways.
“I mean it’s easy to like everything else about me.”
“I love everything about you. Your mind especially.”
“Only a crazy person could love this mind,” she laughed sadly.
“Well, you’re in luck because I’m definitely crazy. Have been for a long time and it’s not likely to stop anytime soon. So, just face it. You’re stuck with me.”
“Being stuck with you is a gift,” she said. “It’s not being stuck with you. That would be torture. When I think you’ll leave. I lose myself. My heart drops out from my chest.”
“I feel the exact same way. I understand what it feels like to think that you’re not good enough. We both have that problem and we need to stop or at least realize that what matters is that we love each other, we want each other, and we’re good for each other because I think we might be the only two people who could be so desperately in love with one another like this.”
I chuckled at my giant verbal loop of nonsense.
“I’ve never tried to leave you,” she said. “I don’t think I even could try.”
“Please don’t. Sometimes I get caught up and think that you should want someone else but I’m not going to let that win anymore.”
“Just… Can you do me a favor please?” She asked.
“Always,” I answered. I would do it no matter what.
“Just. When you get like that… Like before. Can you please just tell me you need to be alone? Just tell me so that you’re not running away from me like that. It’s terrifying Avery. I don’t think you realize how many times you’ve left me confused.”
I rarely knew when I was going to run away like that but for her I would try. I would try anything.
“Yes, I’ll tell you. I’m too dramatic even for me and that was immature and dumb of me. I’m sorry again.”
“You’re not dramatic. You’re just full of energy and you don’t have time to think about what your absence does to me when you’re like that. I don’t think you know what you do.”
“I wish I was less full of energy. Maybe I’d be able to tone myself down a little. I think I just need to stop and appreciate things sometimes rather than just rushing on by everything. I rarely know what I’m doing.”
“Energy isn’t bad, it’s healthy,” she pushed. “You use it right. I don’t. So while you’re running around I’m shutting down and that’s really scary because I can’t save you if I can’t get to you.”
“Maybe I should just take you with me when I’m running around.”
“I’d rather just know you’re okay…”
I shrugged a shoulder. “I’ll make sure you know from now on. I’ll try to be more in control.”
“Thank you,” she said.
“You’re welcome but it’s what I should do anyway. Thank you for asking.” We were decent at talking things out. We ended up stronger even if we didn’t always quite understand everything.
“Adam had the same kind of energy. I think we got it from Dad. He doesn’t like to be still either but Adam liked people and parties. Dad not so much.”
“I love your energy,” she said. “I don’t want you to not have energy. I just want to know where you are and know you’re not dying.”
“That’s really similar to what Mom used to tell us,” I snorted. “I don’t care if you stay out late just let me know where you are, who you’re with, and that you’re not dead.”
“Not that you’re like my mom. That was a weird comparison. It just occurred to me. But yes, I’ll make sure you know I’m not dead.”
“Okay, it just got super Freudian in here and I don’t know how to rightly proceed,” Olivia laughed awkwardly.
“My fault.” My fingers found their way under her shirt, resting on her stomach. “I vow to never utter the M word in such a way again.”
“Well, you can’t really take it back now,” Olivia joked.
“So, you’ll never have sex with me again?” I gasped. “I scared you that badly?”
“More like you’ll never live it down. I’ll still have sex with you but I might be thinking some rather strange things about why you like me. I cook for you,” she teased. “I clean,” I felt her tongue teasing the skin on the side of my neck.
I cleared my throat, not quite able to focus. “Uh huh. As long as you don’t stop touching me, I’ll take it.”
“You’re pretty sick,” she teased airily whispering.
“So, I’ve been told.” I flipped her onto her back and hovered over her. “But you’re the one in love with a sick person so…” I raised my eyebrows.
“Hey,” she teased, brow furrowing. “Caretaking is a noble profession. Not all can be so selfless.”
“True. You are my keeper now.” I bent my arms and kissed her lightly. “Sucks for you.”
“Definitely does not suck,” she said, her eyebrows raising as she stared up at me and drank me in.
“I’ve been meaning to ask,” she said, swallowing. “What’d you think of Natalie?”
“Um.” I was distinctly uncomfortable. My fiancé was asking me what I thought of her ex who was still in love with her. My life was weird.
“I thought she was hot… And very… Straightforward.”
“She pissed you off though, huh? When she said you were cute?” She was smiling.
“That just made me feel weird. What pissed me off was when she grabbed my hoodie and pulled me in. I was about to punch her at that point.”
She breathed in shakily, a bit of a blush coming over her. “Oh dear,” she sighed out. “I wasn’t watching. I didn’t know that happened.”
“Yeah, mostly I felt sorry for her after she started talking about loving you and everything. She said I was hot and she said I was cute. That whole thing was about her sizing me up. I did feel a little like we were about to duel for your honor.”
“I was just gonna say. When she said you were cute it was because you were overprotective. She liked you.”
“Well, that’s just true. I’d do anything to keep you safe and happy.” Even spend time with your ex.
“Yeah, but I wasn’t in danger, babe,” she looked up at me teasing.
“Maybe not but I can’t help it,” I whined. “I love you and she was kind of a bitch on the phone. We didn’t exactly get the best start. I did want to ask you why she thought she shouldn’t be in your house… Besides the obvious. It didn’t seem like it was about that.”
“Oh,” her face darkened. “I didn’t much let her into my life. I told you about that. That’s why she said what she did about you owning the place. It wasn’t about you.. Not any of it. It was about how I let my fears rule over that relationship. I didn’t let Nat have a normal life with me. It wasn’t like this. If she ever came here there was no doubt my parents wouldn’t come home. She never met my parents formally, as someone important to me. I never told them about her.”
“Yeah, that’s about what I thought. I just wanted to ask. What do you think would have happened if you did?”
I couldn’t help but wonder how her life would be different if she’d let Natalie in.
“I dunno,” she said. “I just know I didn’t appreciate her enough to want to. And I let myself think that was okay because she had other people. But
I didn’t want to think she might love me like I love you. When it hit me that she might I ended us. It wasn’t right. I felt so bad. The whole time I thought I was just fun for her,” she swallowed harshly. “Things got more violent with us because I encouraged her to be cold and I teased her. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t think about how that must’ve felt. When we started she wanted normal things. Things I wouldn’t have with her.”
“Normal things like this?”
Paper Dolls [Book Three] Page 19