by Alex Barclay
Intimate … creepiest word on the planet.
‘I thought he was so in love with her,’ said Robbie. ‘And, really, he was just … well, I don’t know. I feel like they sold me a lie. I bought into this idea of true love. I mean, you know me.’
‘But true love exists,’ said Ren. ‘It does. If your parents are anything like you’ve said they are, they did love each other. It was love. It is love.’
‘Can you love someone and lie to them every day of your life?’ said Robbie.
‘I … I don’t know,’ said Ren, ‘but … yes, I do believe that there are all kinds of love.’
‘But my mother thought it was real, romantic love … all kinds of love. She was tricked. And my dad had the outward appearance of the perfect family with the choirboy son.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Ren. They hugged for a long time.
‘Thanks,’ he said.
‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner?’ said Ren.
‘We were busy, then you met Ben …’
‘There’s Ben and me,’ said Ren, ‘but way before that, there’s always been you and me.’
And I will kill you if you make Ben stand in the way of that.
‘I know,’ said Robbie. ‘I know.’
Sad face.
Janine was waiting in the doorway when Ren got back.
‘What was that all about?’ she said.
‘Nothing – just Robbie’s been a little weird and I wanted to see had I done anything to offend him …’
‘And …?’ said Janine.
‘No, he’s got family stuff going on,’ said Ren. ‘And that, Detective Hooks, is about the only thing I got to the bottom of today.’
‘Tell me about it,’ said Janine. ‘So … want to look at those résumés?’
‘Oh, yeaaah,’ said Ren. ‘Check it out, people – we know how to party.’
Janine rented a cute two-bedroom apartment off Main Street in Golden.
‘It’s like walking into a hug,’ said Ren.
‘Aw, thank you,’ said Janine.
‘But it is,’ said Ren. ‘It’s just warm and cozy and old-school. I hate that bachelor minimalism crap. Unless it’s a hotel …’ For having sex in all night.
‘Wine or beer?’ said Janine.
‘Red, please,’ said Ren.
Janine came out with a glass of red wine and a beer and put them on the table. She pulled the pile of case notes out of her bag.
‘OK – twenty-three for you, twenty-four for me.’
‘No,’ said Ren, ‘give me an even number – twenty-six, twenty-four, twenty-two …’
‘You’re such a weirdo,’ said Janine. ‘Take twenty-two. I’m an expert in these …’
‘Never make anything sound even remotely competitive,’ said Ren.
Janine laughed. ‘It would be no different if they were your files. Except more of yours would be solved.’
‘Dead witnesses, obsolete phone numbers, undocumented people, vagrants, women listed only under their husbands’ names, perished evidence, botched autopsies, and on and on … the odds, Miss Hooks, are ever in my favor.’
‘Aw,’ said Janine.
‘Now, go, go, GO …’ Ren slapped her palm down on her pile of résumés. ‘Wait!’ she said. ‘How tenuous are we going, here?’
‘It’s a blunt instrument,’ said Janine, ‘but … let’s see … we have Laura Flynn: Irish, from Waterford, lives in New York, was staying recently in Golden, Colorado. If New York/Waterford/Ireland/Conifer is mentioned – or hinted at – anywhere on that one page, it’s in.’
‘Do not forget that the Princes “summer” in the Hamptons …’
‘We’ll throw it all into the mix,’ said Janine.
They began to read through the pages and the details that Janine had extracted for the résumé: name, age, occupation, status of the case (missing person/homicide), last-known address, last confirmed sighting, last unconfirmed sighting …
‘We forgot to include Chicago,’ said Ren. ‘If Laura Flynn was on a mission to Chicago, then returned here with more information to call you …’
‘Our net is being cast wide …’ said Janine.
They began again.
‘These ones make me sad,’ said Ren, holding up a page that was mostly blank.
‘I know,’ said Janine. ‘Needs-a-miracle.com.’
Ren and Janine kept reading, drinking and stopping for chats. Two hours passed and there were two piles: of thirty-two and fifteen.
‘Thirty-two possibilities,’ said Janine. ‘Hmm.’
‘I was kind of expecting a major cull,’ said Ren. ‘Like, a slaughter.’
‘And we haven’t even reached stage two yet,’ said Janine. ‘The actual reading of thirty-two case files.’
‘I have marked stars on some of mine, though,’ said Ren. ‘Those with that something extra that made my ears prick up.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me that? I could have done stars.’
‘Well, go back over yours tomorrow,’ said Ren. ‘The girl scout murder at The Flying G … that’s a hard one to ignore.’
‘I did mention that three hundred people were interviewed for that …’ said Janine.
‘You did,’ said Ren. ‘I’m interested in the staff, and the girls in the tents close to where Peggy Beck’s body was found. And “drifters”. I love a drifter.’
‘There is no way you can get away with talking to anyone about this right now,’ said Janine.
‘Ah, but I’m on excellent terms with the cold case detective,’ said Ren.
‘For what that’s worth …’ said Janine.
‘What the heck is that supposed to mean?’ said Ren.
‘Nothing,’ said Janine.
‘Hmm,’ said Ren.
‘Hmm yourself.’
Ren looked at the clock. ‘OK, it’s one a.m., I’m going to bow out gracelessly.’
‘Everything is there for you on the bed,’ said Janine.
‘I know who I’m dealing with,’ said Ren.
Two hours later, Ren woke up. For a moment, she didn’t know where she was. She heard the creak of a chair. She heard it again. She got out of bed and walked the short hallway to the archway that led out of the living room.
Janine was sitting at the table with a one-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle in front of her. She was in the early stages, but her tiny fingers were swiftly locking pieces into place.
Ren felt this sudden pang.
Oh my God … what if anything ever happened to you, Janine Hooks?
‘Hey,’ said Ren.
Janine jumped. ‘My heart!’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Ren.
‘Please tell me I did not wake you,’ said Janine.
‘No, I just had that “It’s the middle of the night, do you know where you are?” wake up thing.’
‘You must think I’m crazy,’ said Janine.
‘I do not,’ said Ren.
‘I’m sorry I have to do this now,’ she said.
‘Why would you be sorry?’ said Ren. ‘Do you mind if I stay?’
‘Of course not,’ said Janine.
Ren sat into the corner of the yellow sofa opposite her, and pulled a giant cushion close.
‘All the pieces are blue,’ she said, gesturing toward the jigsaw. ‘I can’t even look at it.’
‘It’s a seascape,’ said Janine.
‘It’s stressful to look at.’
‘It’s calming.’
‘You are calm already,’ said Ren. ‘You are my … thing that calms me.’
‘You wouldn’t have said that if you saw me this morning.’
‘What? Tell me more.’
‘I’ve just been given extra shifts on call,’ said Janine. ‘Like, twenty percent more than usual.’
‘And … you don’t want to do the extra hours,’ said Ren.
‘I do … it’s not that. I’m nervous. I know the sergeant likes me, but first he moves me out of my office, now he’s increasing my hours on call. I’m just worried that
he’s trying to integrate me more because they’re going to pull the cold case unit. Like is he doing me a favor setting me up as an integral part of the team, so I have a fallback or I feel needed … I don’t know.’
‘They are not going to cut you,’ said Ren, sitting up. ‘No way. You’re getting results for them. And they all love you.’
‘No they don’t.’
‘Of course they do. Are you nuts?’
‘There’s a lot of political stuff going on,’ said Janine. ‘And why would I be safe when so many other places aren’t? Look at Denver – there was a cold case unit for a while when they had the grant. They had twelve investigators, then they cut it. Aurora had two – they pulled at least one of them, maybe both. Lakewood assigned an investigator and a part-time retired guy. Last I know, they pulled both of them.’
‘Why don’t you talk to your sergeant?’ said Ren. ‘Do you think he knows something?’
‘No,’ said Janine. ‘I mean, I don’t know.’ She shrugged.
‘Well, it’s worth a shot. He might be able to reassure you. There’s no point in worrying about this unnecessarily.’
‘I know …’
‘So back to you not being calm earlier today …’ said Ren. ‘What did you do?’
‘A few drive-bys.’
She pushed up her pajama sleeves, then added another tiny blue piece to the big blue sea.
Ren arrived into Safe Streets at nine the following morning. Something was clawing at her. Something was amiss. Some-thing was wrong. She went over to her desk and sat down.
Gary arrived in to the bullpen immediately and came straight for her.
Her heart started to pound.
This is bad.
There was a Post-it in his hand.
Ominous.
‘Ren,’ said Gary, ‘the pressure of the important case is off.’
What the what? ‘What?’ said Ren.
Gary ignored the question. ‘Someone from the squad has to attend a two-day seminar on multi-agency critical response put on by the Colorado Department of public safety.’ He looked at his watch. ‘Starting at nine thirty.’
Ren was motionless.
‘You’ll represent Safe Streets,’ said Gary. ‘Take good notes.’
He slapped the Post-it down on her desk.
It said: Dr Lone, Monday, 1 p.m. Important.
Oh. Fuck.
Fuckity fuck.
And fuck you, Gary.
18
Matt Bryce’s laughter was crystal clear through the phone’s speaker, filling Ren’s Jeep. Her brother, older by a year, was her first port in storms of all kind.
‘I forbid you to laugh!’ said Ren. ‘No merriment!’
‘You call me for merriment,’ said Matt.
‘That’s true,’ said Ren. ‘And, in my defense, I did wait. If I had called you at any point before now, your ears would have bled.’
Matt laughed again. ‘Gary is great.’
‘Gary is an asshole. I mean, he promised. Is this his idea of leaving my treatment in my hands?’
‘Eh, no,’ said Matt. ‘This is the fallout from him leaving your treatment in your hands.’
Silence. ‘He’s still an asshole.’
‘A clever one, though,’ said Matt. ‘So, how was the punishment seminar?’
‘Punishing,’ said Ren.
‘And you’re on your way to your appointment now?’ said Matt.
‘I am.’
‘Then, job done. Gary Dettling one, Ren Bryce zero.’
‘I don’t like that kind of score.’
‘It’s why we don’t play board games.’
‘But I always win.’
‘Get some help today with your competition issues,’ said Matt.
‘Everyone knows it’s the winning, not the taking part.’
‘Well, there’s the spirit that bit you in the ass,’ said Matt. ‘Seeing that you’ve had to “take part” in both a seminar and a therapy session … while believing yourself to be “winning”.’
‘I rang you why?’
Dr Leonard Lone was dressed in all black, as if he was joining Ren in the superhero fantasy; she had discovered early in their relationship that he was a billionaire philanthropist. He was slight, graying, bearded and wore sandals.
But he could be Batman.
For Ren’s first month with him, she rocked up to her appointments on a high … and just as she was beginning to plummet, Lone prescribed her mood stabilizers before the low took her under.
Leonard Lone had surprised her. She hadn’t known if he were fierce enough to help. He was leaning toward her now, waiting for her to finish the point she was regretting having started.
‘I guess, what it is … is that … sometimes, other people’s emotions toward me feel like weakness,’ she said. She looked toward the window. ‘Like, positive emotions. I cannot believe I’m going to say this out loud, but if a man loves me, I believe that the man is weak. All I want is his love, I love love, but I can’t help seeing it as a weakness. And I worry that I will never truly, truly love someone because I don’t want to feel that fear.’
‘What fear?’ said Dr Lone.
‘I don’t know,’ said Ren, ‘but I often see fear flitting around the corners of men’s eyes if they love you. And I never know if that’s always the way – how could I – or is it just me? Does loving me instill fear in people? Is loving me an uncomfortable thing to do? Or do they know, is the instinct there, that as soon as they love me, I will be gone? Not right away, but I will be gone.’
‘Because they love you?’ said Lone.
Ren shrugged. ‘Maybe I just don’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member …’
‘That’s a harsh judgment to make about yourself,’ said Lone.
‘Well, I can only tell you the truth.’
‘You talk a lot about the man,’ said Dr Lone. ‘What about you, Ren? What about what you want, what about who you love?’
Ren paused. ‘I don’t know if I can love, like, really love. Can you really love if you’re, like … armored?’
‘What are you armored against?’ said Lone. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’
‘Have you ever seen someone utterly fall apart because they’ve lost someone?’ said Ren.
‘Yes, I have,’ said Dr Lone.
‘Don’t you think it’s horrific?’ said Ren. ‘I never want to do that. I never want to be in that position.’
‘Why?’ said Dr Lone.
‘Because …’ The loss of control is the most terrifying thing I could imagine.
‘No one can go through life escaping loss,’ said Dr Lone.
‘I know that,’ said Ren. ‘But you can minimize it.’
‘By not loving?’ said Dr Lone.
Ren shrugged.
‘By not loving, while admittedly wanting to love …’ said Dr Lone.
‘Exactly,’ said Ren.
Dr Lone smiled. He waited. ‘Have you ever fallen apart because you’ve lost someone you loved?’ he said.
La la la la la.
Ren stared up at the ceiling. She tried to shake her head.
Awkward angle.
As she lowered her head, she could feel a single tear make a trail down her cheek, then her neck, stopping when it met her collar.
Ugh.
Dr Lone waited.
‘There might be someone now,’ said Ren. ‘I mean, this might be in anticipation …’
‘You’re talking about Ben.’
Ren nodded.
‘And you’ve said there are no problems in your relationship.’
Ren laughed and cried. ‘I know.’
‘Yet you fear you might lose him.’
‘I fear I might get rid of him before that can happen,’ said Ren. ‘I’ll be the loser before I end up being the looz-ee.’
‘Can you trust in Ben, can you trust in the relationship?’ said Dr Lone.
‘I think I can trust him,’ said Ren. ‘He’s a good man. He kind of hin
ts that he loves me. It’s really sweet. And he knows that I like him a lot. But …’
‘Is there something else?’ said Dr Lone. ‘Is there something that’s bringing all this to the forefront?’
One day, you will fly through the sky, land in front of me, deem me sane, and fly away. But we will always find a way to stay in touch …
‘Ren?’
‘I have to tell him I’m bipolar,’ said Ren. ‘I know him – I suspect he’ll be fine with that because he’s a good guy … and he hasn’t seen the dark side. Yes, I love him. But I also know – and he won’t – despite that, at some time in the future, I will think that I love other men too. At the same time. Like, I will really believe that I love someone else. Or that I want to be with someone else. And I won’t know that I didn’t really mean that until it’s too late. I’m like a cheater who doesn’t cheat. Even though I did cheat on him … before we were officially going out, but still …’
‘Ben has told you that that was OK,’ said Dr Lone. ‘He understood why that happened. So try to let that go. And after that, it’s about what you do with the feelings you have toward other men.’
‘I haven’t mastered that yet,’ said Ren.
‘Your alternative is to stay single,’ said Dr Lone.
Noooooo! ‘That’s not what I want.’ Hey, I could try an open relationship. Ewww. Though … maybe that would make my life easier. Or I could try multiple marriages … Oh my God, if I married Ben, I would be Ren Rader … total Avengers name.
I could take on Batman …
This is exhausting.
Ren turned on her cell phone as she got into her Jeep. There was a message from Janine to call.
‘Hey, lady,’ said Ren.
‘Preliminary results from the lab on the cars,’ said Janine. ‘The one from the ranch? An accelerant was used: there are pour patterns all over it. The one from the robbery – there were just traces of accelerant in the trunk. Looks like there was a short on the wiring in the trunk.’
‘Hmm,’ said Ren. ‘So … someone torched the car at the ranch …’
‘Put the remaining accelerant in the trunk of their car …’
‘And didn’t a witness say they saw smoke coming out of the trunk of the getaway car before it crashed?’
‘They did,’ said Janine.
‘But that car was stolen – they must have had to transfer the accelerant into whatever car they left the ranch with.’