by K E Osborn
This is bad! I am in way over my head here. I twirl Danny’s ring on my thumb and take in a few slow steadying breaths. I can’t believe I let myself forget.
How on earth did I let that happen? Why did I let that happen?
I never forget about Danny.
Ever!
And tonight, I got so caught up in the moment that all I could see, feel, hear, smell, all that was surrounding me was Rock.
How could I forget? I smack myself on the forehead as I try to imagine Danny’s lips on mine. Shit! I can’t remember.
I can’t remember what Danny felt like.
I can’t remember his smell.
I can’t remember how it felt to have his lips caressing my skin.
I gasp as pain shoots through my chest and takes all the air from my lungs. I sit up abruptly and claw at my chest while I gasp for air. My skin flushes red hot and my chest is so tight it feels like an elephant or two are jumping up and down on it. My mouth goes dry and all I can do is sit here and panic. I look over to our wedding photo and see his handsome face. I gasp trying to breathe. I stand from the bed and stumble the few steps to the chest of drawers. I look at his photo and pull open his drawer. I grab his cologne and spray some on my wrist. The smell instantly calms me and I suddenly take in a gasp of air and my heart steadies itself back to a normal steady rhythm. I swallow hard and bring my wrist up to my nose and smell him. The memories all flood back. The way he felt. The way he touched me. The way he would giggle like a girl whenever I tickled him. Everything comes flooding back and I turn around and lean my back on the drawers and let the air fill my lungs. I close my eyes and picture Danny in my mind. His washboard abs and his floppy blond hair. I smile at how clean cut he looked. Nothing at all like the bad boy biker, Rock.
I open my eyes feeling like I’m now calm enough to be able to walk back to the bed. I make my way over and slide into the sheets. I bring my arm up and smell Danny again, it makes me smile as I twirl his wedding ring on my thumb. It’s the only finger it fits on considering he had thick fingers. And even then it’s still a little loose. I sink into the pillow and let all my senses fill with Danny.
I know he’s here with me. I know it sounds weird, but I can sense him… feel him. Warmth surrounds me as I continue to smell him all around me and my eyes close.
The last image I see is Danny smiling at me.
I feel a kiss on my cheek as I wake slowly.
“It’s okay honey. I understand. I will always love you, but it’s time to let me go,” I hear someone say as I sit bolt upright in bed. I look around the room. My heart beats fast and my breathing is rushed. I swear I just heard Danny talking to me, but obviously that’s impossible. It’s still dark outside, so it must be really late. I look at the clock and it’s four fifty-six a.m. I try to catch my breath while my heart pounds so fast I feel sick and dizzy.
“Danny?” I call out even though I know it’s impossible for him to be here. “Baby?” I call out again as a sudden bleakness washes over me.
I was obviously dreaming about him. It’s not surprising, I guess, considering. I swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat and stand up out of my bed turning on the bedside lamp. I turn around and see Danny’s wedding ring laying neatly on his pillow. I gasp and look down to see it’s no longer on my thumb. I scurry across the bed and pick it up placing it back on my thumb. I pick up my robe and place it around my shoulders then I make my way down to Caiden’s room.
I never come in here. It’s too hard. But knowing Danny is near me, somehow I have the strength and courage to open the door. I switch on the light and his room is exactly the same as it was five years ago. His bed sheets are all messy because he was too young to make his own bed and there're toys scattered across the floor. I walk in and sit down on his bed picking up his teddy bear and hold it my chest cuddling it. I smell the bear and it reminds me of Caiden, although it’s a bit dusty. I swallow hard as my eyes well, but I don’t cry.
“I miss you, so much, my baby boy,” I whisper and look over at the picture on the wall of Buzz Lightyear. He loved Toy Story. He would sometimes make me watch it twice in one day. I guess that’s what kids do though. I cuddle his bear tighter and breathe him in. I miss my baby boy, so much. A pain stabs in my chest making me gasp as I look at a photo of his adorable face. I gently caress his face in the picture. Again it’s nothing compared to actually touching Caiden’s face, but it’s all I have.
I pull my legs up and lay down on his bed. I don’t pull the cover over me though, I don’t want to change it from where it was the day he… well, I just can’t change anything. So I lay down on his bed and hold the bear as tight as I can. I close my eyes and start to sing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.’ It was Caiden’s favourite nursery rhyme. If I could cry, I would. I miss my boys so much. Not one more than the other. I miss them equally and the pain in my heart right now is eating me alive as I drift away into unconsciousness.
“It’s okay Mummy, Daddy is happy, and Rock seems nice. I like him,” I hear Caiden say and I sit bolt upright in his bed, my heart racing, and sweat tops my brow. I look around the room and shake my head.
What the fuck was in that Screaming Orgasm? I’m seriously losing my mind!
I realise I’m clinging onto Caiden’s bear so tightly I start to hear a ripping sound. I look down and I can see the stitching coming apart on his ear where I’m holding onto it so tightly. I let go and relax my hold. I don’t want to ruin Caiden’s favourite bear. I take a deep steadying breath and stand up from his bed and place the teddy back in the exact same position it was when he left it. I step to the door and take a final look back and then walk out and shut the door. I exhale loudly as I move down the brightly lit hallway. It’s daylight and I have no idea what the time is, but I feel heavy. Like a lead weight. Maybe it’s from the interrupted sleep and dreams about dead people, or maybe it’s the guilt of last night’s encounter with Rock washing over me. Either way I feel terrible. I make my way back to the bedroom and slide off my robe and slip back into bed. I look at the clock, it’s seven a.m. I exhale loudly. I have plenty of time to rest before I need to go into work and sort out the mess that is my job.
I close my eyes while I play with Danny’s wedding ring. I swear I can sense him again, it used to scare me back when he first died, but now it’s comforting. Knowing he’s here watching me makes me feel at ease. I drift off…
I look up at Danny’s face and he smiles at me so brightly it melts my heart. I lean in and caress his cheek as Caiden runs into our room and jumps on the bed, right on Danny’s legs.
“Jeez kid,” he says out loud making Caiden and I both laugh while he crawls his way in between us.
“Mummy, I love you,” Caiden says out of nowhere.
Danny smiles and ruffles his hair. “And what about your dad? Don’t you love him too?” Danny asks making me laugh.
“Yeah, but I’m with you every day, Daddy. Mummy needs to know,” Caiden says causing me to furrow my brows in confusion.
“You’re with me every day too, baby boy?” I question not understanding his comment.
“Yes Mummy, I’m with you but you can’t see me. But I love you anyway,” he says and I look at him confused.
“But I’m looking right at you right now silly boy,” I say and he giggles and jumps up leaning in and kissing my head. He then scurries off the end of the bed and runs out of the room.
I look at Danny and shake my head. “What was that about?” I ask and he smiles at me and leans in so close I can smell him. My heart flutters and I get goose bumps when his hand caresses my cheek.
“Honey, I can’t stay for long, but I need to tell you that it’s okay,” he says, and now I’m even more confused.
“What do you mean, where are you going?” I ask and he frowns.
“You’re going to wake up soon. I know how much you’re struggling and I know that’s my fault. I shouldn’t let you know that I’m with you, but I’m going to stop that. Just know that it doesn’t
mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about you every day. It doesn’t mean I have left you or that you didn’t love me enough. Just know that the path you are on is destructive, honey. I love you so much and you’re better than this. Let Rock help you. He’s a good guy and moving on with him isn’t belittling our love. I know how much you love me. I see how you struggle every single day. But you have to let us go, you have to let me… go. You need to get out of this house and live because it’s killing me all over again to see the way you’re living. I love you! I will always love you. But don’t close yourself off because you’re worried about hurting me. I approve honey,” he says as my tears finally start to fall. He moves in and holds me tight, tighter than I ever thought possible.
“But I want to stay here with you… with our son. Can’t I just be here with you?” I beg and he shakes his head.
“No honey, you don’t belong here,” he says leaning in and his lips gently caress mine. I relish in his kiss. The sweet sensation forcing my love for him to shine bright as the room turns into a bright glowing light.
“I love you, but I need you to move on, Lettie. Be with Rock. You’re not dishonouring me by being with him. He will make you happy. Just promise me you will let us go?” he asks and I shake my head adamantly.
“No, I can’t, Danny. I won’t let you go,” I say as he looks behind me where the light is becoming brighter.
“You have to honey. I love you! I have and always will love you, but it’s time, Lettie. Don’t be The Violet Widow anymore. Be the Lettie I fell in love with. The Lettie, Rock will fall in love with too. I have to go honey, and this will be the last time you will feel me. I’m sorry, but it has to be this way. I love you so much, but Rock is right for you now. Take a chance, Lettie. Love again… for me?” he states, a river of tears running down my face and pooling at my chin. I shake my head as he leans in and kisses me strongly.
“I can’t do this without you, Danny,” I say and he frowns.
“Honey, you have to. I have to go now. Just know Caiden is fine, I’m fine and all we want is for you to be happy. Be happy, Lettie. Be happy with Rock,” he says standing from the bed and walking around behind me. I watch him as he smiles at me lovingly.
“I miss you so much,” I say as he leans back down and kisses me strongly.
“I know. I love you, Lettie,” he says as the door opens and Caiden runs back in with his teddy. I smile at my boy and he rushes up to me and wraps his arms around my neck. I hold onto him tightly and breathe him in.
“I love you, Mummy.” Danny picks him up and leans down kissing my head.
“Mummy loves you, Caiden… always.” I wipe my nose with my hand.
Danny looks at me and then back toward the light. “Live Lettie! Choose to live,” Danny says and then he walks backward toward the light. My heart races so fast I can’t breathe as I watch my boys fade away into the light.
My body heaves and I open my eyes wide and look toward the window where Danny and Caiden were. There’s nothing but a window and a beautiful summer’s day shining in, with its light dancing around the room as the dust particles move spectacularly in the vivid light. I claw at my chest because I can’t control my breathing. In my dream, I was crying, but in reality I am not.
“Don’t leave me, Danny,” I say out loud, but it’s of no use. He’s gone! He has been for five long years and holding onto his memory won’t make me happy. All it does is fuck with my head. I look down at my thumb and I see Danny’s wedding ring. I exhale abruptly as I take it off and walk to the jewellery box and place it back inside. I close the lid and close my eyes remembering Danny’s kiss. I know it was only a dream, but it felt so real, so lifelike. I can still taste Danny on my lips and smell Caiden in my hair. I bite my bottom lip and shake my head.
“It was just a dream you fucking idiot,” I say out loud trying to convince myself of what just happened. I swallow hard and make my way to the shower to wash away the residual stains of last night’s shambles. The kiss with Rock was amazing and I know there’s something there. Even though I know it was my mind conjuring up Danny and Caiden, maybe it was the closure and the goodbye I needed? I feel lighter somehow. I can’t explain it, but all the guilt and feelings of being disloyal to Danny seem to feel less scary. I feel like I can breathe again, and if in some small way that was Danny’s way of telling me everything will be all right, then I want to believe him. I want to believe everything will be fine. I want to believe that I can be happy again. I want to believe in a life with love because the life I live right now as The Violet Widow, is one I never intended to have. Maybe Rock showed up at Amor for a reason? Maybe there’s a reason he chose the name, Rock? Maybe it’s because that’s exactly what he is and will be for me?
My Rock?
My new safe place?
My new sanctuary?
I need to see where this goes and how my story ends, because if I keep going like this I’m going to die old, unhappy and very alone.
After my dream, I spent the day at work sorting out the mess that Papi and Star’s absence is causing and the rest of the day is spent counting the hours until three a.m. I just hope Rock will be there waiting for me when I arrive. I hope he gives second chances because if I went through that dream for him to not be there at the end of it, I think that would push me further into the darkness.
Rock is my light, and I need to bathe in the beauty of that light. I want to give in to temptation and I want feel everything Rock has to offer me. I want to feel his skin on mine and most of all I want to feel again.
Feel the emotion of being intimate with someone. Feel the emotions mixed with sleeping with someone. Feel the ecstasy of having someone worship my body.
I want to feel! And I want to feel it all with Rock.
I take a taxi to Amor. If things go the way I want them to, then I won’t need a ride home tonight. The taxi driver pulls up at Amor and I pay him. I look out the window and the Harley is parked in its usual place. I smile brightly and bite my bottom lip as I get out and shut the door behind me. I look through the window of Amor and Rock is looking directly at me with a smile. I wave and he nods back at me. I walk inside and with every step I take toward Rock, the words of Danny ring in my ears.
“Live Lettie! Choose to live.”
Rock smiles at me as I strut toward him. He stands when I reach him and even though my heart is racing and my stomach is doing backflips, I pull his collar forcing him into me and our lips lock together. He hesitates, but I open my mouth to let him in. He obliges and kisses me passionately. His hands run up my back pulling my body against his while I wrap my arms around his neck and run my fingers through his hair. The kiss is strong and full of lust.
He’s obviously forgiven me for last night. Thank God!
I’m just so glad that he is here. My heart’s fluttering and I feel so giddy to be kissing him again. He really is an amazing kisser and even if I wanted to think about Danny right now, I can't because all I can think about is Rock and the way he’s making me feel. Excited, nervous and definitely wanted. I can’t explain the emotions this kiss is bringing out in me. I haven’t kissed anyone other than Danny my whole life. This is a new beginning for me, a new chapter in my life. It doesn’t mean I don’t love Danny, I will always love him, but I’m just opening myself up for something a little different and I love this feeling. It doesn’t scare me anymore like it did. This feels right. The dream or whatever it was has made me see that I need to live.
“I choose to live,” I whisper against Rock’s lips and he pulls back and smiles at me. I breathe heavily. I want him so bad. I stare into his multi-coloured eyes and I think he knows instantly what I need from him. He nods his head.
“Are you sure?”
“Take me for a ride on your bike. I don’t want to go home tonight,” I say seductively and he chuckles and raises an eyebrow.
“What if you want to run?” he asks leaning his forehead against mine.
“No more running, I promise.
”
He takes my hand and a surge of electricity washes over me just like it does every time Rock touches me. I bite my bottom lip and the sparks shooting off between us as we walk out of Amor could possibly start a blazing inferno.
He hands me a helmet. I put it on and he does up the strap for me.
“You look hot, just like a biker’s old lady should,” he says as he sits down on his bike kicking back the stand.
“What about your helmet?”
“I only have one, so we better move fast. I don’t want to get pulled over by the cops that could be bad in my line of… work,” he replies as I move in behind him and wrap my arms around his waist as tightly as I can without hurting him. I pull my body flush with his back.
“Your line of work? I guess pulling over a biker without a helmet could cause problems for you and your club,” I say and he laughs.
“I’m not a biker, TVW.”
“U-huh, righto,” I say. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to freak me out by going into forbidden details. So when he says he isn’t a part of a biker gang I don’t believe him for a second.
“Hold on tight little firecracker.”
“Oh, I intend to,” I say and he smirks starting the engine.
The vibration of the motor roars through me making me vibrate along with it. I smile brightly as I get excited. I’ve never been on the back of a motorbike before and it’s really something I could get used to. He revs the engine and we start the ride down the road. The close proximity to Rock and the vibration from the engine underneath me is making my panties wet and the exhilaration of the open air surrounding me is almost to the point of nirvana. I’m actually in heaven as I ride on the back of my biker’s bike.
“Hold on sweetheart,” he yells and he pulls back on the throttle sending us speeding down the road. I squeal and I can feel his torso moving with laughter while I cling on for dear life. I can’t help but laugh along with him. I’m so happy right now. The fact that I’m on a bike with a hot as fuck alpha male, heading toward his home to spend the night with him, makes this Violet Widow, very happy indeed.