by K E Osborn
“Well, I was thinking that because Rock is named after me, that she should be named after you and I thought The Violet Widow was a really long name for a fish, so I shortened it to Widow and I thought that was a bit of a weird name, so then I thought of Widow Spider and then shortened it to Spider,” he says.
I laugh loudly and shake my head. “That’s a long drawn out thought process you have going on there. Have you been thinking about that all the way home?”
“You don’t like it?”
“No, I think it’s nice you want to name her after my nickname, even if it is a different version of said nickname.”
“We have a pet together, we’re parents,” he says with a smirk. As soon as I think of myself as a parent my body tenses. Caiden pops into my mind and a lump forms in my throat. I’m having a great time and Caiden isn’t here to see it. He would love the fish, he always wanted a pet, and I never gave him one. Now that I think back on it, it was mean not to let him have a pet. Great, now I feel like a bad mother. He had such a short life and he never knew the pleasure of owning your own animal. I feel sick to my stomach. I gasp suddenly and walk over to the sofa before I fall down. I feel dizzy and my head is ringing.
“Vee? Baby, you okay?” Hudson asks rushing over to me and squatting at my feet.
I look at him just as I remember to breathe. I take in a lung full of air and just focus on his beautiful multi-coloured eyes.
“Vee, talk to me. Are you okay? Are you not feeling well?” Hudson asks and Caiden flashes through my mind again. A pain rips through my chest as I look back at him.
“Vee, for God’s sake, will you talk to me?” he demands putting the back of his hand up to my forehead to feel my temperature. The touch of him instantly soothes me and the pain in my chest eases slightly, but not completely.
“Sorry,” I say quietly.
“Vee, what’s going on?”
“No, I’m fine, I kinda went into my own little world there for a minute. I just felt a little dizzy is all. I’m okay. Can you just hold me while we watch some television for a while?”
He moves and sits on the sofa next to me and I cuddle into his side. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine now, just hold me… tight.”
He kisses my head and wraps his arm around me tightly and we spend the night together making good on our no sex pact, which in a weird way was nice to just spend time with him holding and comforting me, even though he didn’t even know he was doing it.
It’s been two weeks since Hudson gave me a key to his home and today is Christmas day. Hudson has a big family get together, but I told him I wasn’t quite ready to meet them all yet. He wanted to stay home with me and I told him he needed to be with his family. He could tell I wasn’t quite myself because him being away means I’ll be by myself. But it’s okay I’ve spent the last five Christmases alone, one more won’t hurt. I kiss him goodbye and he reluctantly leaves on his bike. He’s staying with his parents for the night so I decided seeing as I haven’t been home in a very long time that maybe today is the day.
I get dressed, feed Midas and head out to the Stingray. I feel weird. Like I’m betraying two people today and that feeling uneases me, but I drive home anyway. My heart is beating slightly faster than normal and my palms are sweaty as I pull into my driveway. I swallow the lump in my throat that’s threatening to choke me and exhale closing my eyes trying to gain enough courage to walk inside my own home.
My sanctuary.
My sanctuary of my boys.
Well, it used to be. Now it kind of feels like a cold, dark prison. I feel like I’ve ignored Danny and Caiden and I should acknowledge them today. It is Christmas, after all.
I open my eyes and get out of the car and walk inside. It’s dark even though it’s daylight outside and it’s cold.
So dark and so cold.
It sends a shiver up my spine and I shake it off and continue to walk through my house. I look at the photograph of us three on the fridge and I bite my bottom lip and run my finger over both of their faces. I still miss them like crazy. You would think five years would dull the pain, but seeing their faces only makes me feel bad for feeling happy and forgetting about them occasionally when I’m with Hudson. I know deep down I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do, and I don’t know that the feeling will ever truly leave me.
I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish they were still with me, but then again I wouldn’t have Hudson. Now I feel terrible because I’m betraying Danny and I’m betraying Hudson by thinking like that. I huff and turn on the lights as I walk through to the bedroom. The house smells a little musty so I decide to let some air into this place. It’s been closed up and dark for too long. Danny and Caiden are dead! A part of me is dead and this house looks like it’s dying too. Danny wouldn’t want our home to look this way. So out of respect for him, I dust myself off and start to open all the windows and doors to let a sense of life back in. As much as I want to wallow in the dark, I need some fresh air.
I make my way down to the lounge room and just look around at all the photographs. Caiden was such a gorgeous little man. I swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat as I look at him.
I wish he was here.
I wish I could feel him.
I wish I could feel Danny, but all I feel is alone… terribly alone.
I wonder briefly what Hudson is doing, but then I feel like I’m betraying Danny again. Thinking about another man in Danny’s house is just plain wrong. I’m so torn, I have no idea what I’m meant to be feeling. Should I be feeling things for Hudson, the way I’m feeling them, or am I really meant to be alone? This is doing my head in. I miss Danny… every day, but maybe the reason I don’t feel him anymore is because he’s angry with me about Hudson? My chest tightens at that thought. I’m sure he’d want me to be happy and not pining for him for the rest of my life. Maybe five years isn’t long enough? Maybe I need to mourn for another five years? Or ten years? Or maybe the rest of my life?
“Fuck!” I yell loudly as my emotions are starting to overwhelm me.
“Danny, if you’re here give me a sign. Tell me I’m doing the right thing with Hudson? Tell me it’s okay and that you’re not angry with me? Please tell me something,” I say, starting to feel my eyes well, but it’s okay, I know I won’t cry. I never do.
I sniff and wrap my arms around myself while a cool breeze wafts in blowing the curtains. They flutter and knock over a picture of Danny and Caiden. I freeze to the spot as my heart starts to race. I look around the room while the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and goose bumps rise all over my body.
“Danny?” I ask quietly and the breeze picks up again, blowing the curtains even more and they knock the fallen picture to the floor. Suddenly the fear I had slips away and I smile.
“I miss you, baby. I know I must be hurting you to see that I have started to see someone, but Danny I promise if you were here it would be different. I think of you all the time, you and our baby boy. I just… I miss you, you know?” The wind blows again, and this time the breeze wafting over my skin is soothing me. I feel calm. I know it sounds stupid to believe that the breeze is Danny, but it’s making me feel better and it’s just the release I need.
“I love you,” I say and walk over to his picture and pick it up. The breeze wafts again and the curtain moves around me in the air like it’s embracing me. I smile and close my eyes, and for a brief moment I feel something warm on my cheek. My breath catches and my hand shoots up to my cheek, but I don’t open my eyes. I just want to feel him for a little bit longer.
“I really do love you, and miss you so much. I know you’re taking great care of our baby. Can you tell him how much I miss him too,” the wind blows again and the curtain wraps around my body. I smile and exhale while my bottom lip quivers.
“Merry Christmas, Danny,” I whisper and the breeze almost instantly stops and I know that he’s gone. I exhale forcefully and open my eyes. I feel a little dizzy as my heart is racing s
o fast, but I take a look at the photo of my boys and I think throwing the photo to the ground was Danny’s way of saying that it’s time for me to move on. It’s time for me to give myself over to Hudson, and for the first time, I feel like I might be able to do just that.
I spend the rest of the day paying bills and generally tidying up the house. Considering it was closed up, the dust layer on everything astounded me. It starts to get dark and I begin to think about Hudson and how his family get together is going. I wish I had the courage to meet his family. I so badly want to meet his little sister Brigitte and even the brothers that he often talks about, Flynn and Holden. I think it’s really cool how he and all his siblings are named after the fifties celebrity icons. Rock Hudson, Brigitte Bardot, Errol Flynn and William Holden. I’ve never really seen any of the movies they were all in, but apparently Hudson’s mother absolutely loved that era even though it was a little before her time. They were released in the decade she was born, so by the time she watched them they were old movies, but she loved them anyway. I love knowing stuff like that about Hudson’s family and in a way I kind of wish I was there, but I’m just not ready to meet the family and get attached to them. When I tell Hudson about my job and he disowns me, having met the family will make it all that much harder. Hence why I stayed home today.
The house is starting to warm up and even though it was a scorching hot day today, the house still felt cold, but now that it’s warm it doesn’t feel quite so dark and gloomy.
I watch some of the Christmas cartoons on the television and Donald Duck comes up on the screen. A stabbing pain penetrates my chest as I know he was Caiden’s favourite cartoon character. I bite my bottom lip and shake my head. It’s amazing how something so small can stir up and trigger such intense emotions in me. I want to be a little bit closer to my son right now, so I take a walk down the hallway to his bedroom. I stop at the door and suddenly I feel cold again. I open the door slowly and flick on the light switch. I breathe a little quicker while I look at his untouched room. The teddy bear is still on the bed and his sheets are still in the same mess they were in. His toys are still on the floor and it smells just like it always did, although there is a layer of dust over everything. I walk in and I’m missing him like crazy.
Why are some days harder than others?
Christmas should be a happy day, but instead I’m alone and wallowing over my dead family. I shake my head as I sit down on his bed. I pick up the teddy bear and hold it tightly to my chest as I move, so my back is resting on the headboard of his bed and my legs are stretched out along the length of his mattress. I close my eyes and bring the bear up to my nose and breathe in. It smells like Caiden and I instantly relax a little. My heart is still beating fast, but my breathing has returned to normal while I continue to breathe him in.
“Mummy loves you, baby,” I say and I open my eyes and look down at the bear. I half-smile and bring it back to my chest and hold it tight.
I start to sing, ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’ so hopefully it will let Caiden know I’m still here, that I still love him, and that beyond a doubt I think about him every day. I sniff as I start to become emotional, my eyes well up, but again I know not a single tear will fall. They never do. I hold onto the bear for as long as I can, most of the night actually just singing his favourite songs, mainly carols. It is Christmas after all and Danny and I would sing them to Caiden before he would go to sleep, ready for Santa to come. I figure I’d do the same thing I do every Christmas and sing Caiden to sleep, even though he isn’t here. It makes me feel better, so I sing and sing and sing until my throat starts to hurt. I look at the clock on the wall and it shows three a.m. I sigh and think it’s time for bed, so I stand up from Caiden’s bed and place the teddy back where it was carefully and walk down to the lounge room to collect my mobile phone.
Just as I pick it up, it beeps. I furrow my brows and wonder who the hell is messaging me at three a.m. I swipe the screen to see a message from Hudson.
I’m just getting into bed, and I suddenly thought that I haven’t spent a night without you in my bed with me for a long time. I don’t know how I will sleep tonight. Just know I am thinking about you. It was about this time a couple of months ago I walked into a bar and saw the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I’m so glad I met you my firecracker. Merry Christmas. I miss you. xoxo
I smile and warmth floods my heart. I hadn’t heard from him all day. I knew he would be busy with his family and I honestly didn’t expect to hear from him at all, but I’m so glad I have. I feel like the part of my day that was missing is right back with me. And I’m so glad for that. I hit reply.
I miss you too, more than you know. I hope you had a good day with the family. Sorry, I didn’t have the balls to meet them. One day – I promise. I’m also glad, that about this time a couple of months ago you walked into a bar. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you, Hudson. You keep me grounded and I’m so lucky you understand me and all my flawed bullshit. Thank you! xoxo
I hit send and smile as I make my way to the bedroom. I open the door and look in and all I can see is Danny, and considering the message I just sent Hudson sleeping in the bed I shared with Danny doesn’t seem like the right thing to do anymore. So I close the door and walk to the linen cupboard and pull out a pillow and a blanket and then make my way to the sofa.
Honestly baby, I’m glad you don’t have balls. But it’s okay, don’t feel bad, you can meet them when you’re ready. I’m kind of keeping you a secret from them anyway, not because I’m ashamed of you or anything so please don’t think that. It’s because when I tell them about you they will want to meet you straight away and we have some things we need to work on before we can do that. I need to know more about you. You seem to know a lot about me and my family, but I know nothing about yours. Now, this is not me pushing for anything tonight, but baby I want you to trust me. I really feel something for you, Vee, and I want this, whatever it is to work between us. So please find the strength to let me in, at some stage. While I understand your flawed bullshit, I still want you, all of you, every little detail. But not tonight. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow, well today technically, but anyway… wow, this is a long message sorry I got so serious… I just miss you and it makes me think of how great we are and how it could be even better if you just let me in. Anyway, have a good night, I need to go to bed. Flynn fed me too much beer and I’m a little drunk. I wish I was in bed with you though. Just know I’m thinking of you and will be dreaming of you all night. Merry Christmas baby. Hopefully, next year we can spend it together. xoxo
I read the message and I exhale feeling a little sad that he feels like he can’t tell his family about me, but really I’m the one stopping that, not him, so I have no right to feel sad about it. I wish I could tell him. I wish I knew that he would understand, but a feeling deep in my gut tells me he won’t and that when I do tell him, we will be over. And I’m just not strong enough to handle losing him yet. I hit reply.
I’m sorry I’m so fucked in the head. Just know that my walls are coming down. You’ve shown me what it’s like to have people around that I truly care about, and Hudson I do truly care about you. I promise next year will be different, I will have let all my walls down and let you in completely. I can’t believe I could miss you this much and it’s only been one day. What are you doing to me?
I hit send and not a minute later my phone beeps.
It’s okay, I am pretty understanding, but on a more serious note - I’m making you horny, right? Please tell me you’re horny. I’m in my old bedroom all alone and I just keep picturing you naked, and I can’t control my raging hard on – can you help with this problem?
I laugh out loud and shake my head.
Are you asking me to have phone sex with you?
I hit send and wait for his answer.
Maybe? Will you? By text though, the walls are thin and Brigitte is next door.
I smile and bite my bottom lip.
Of
course, I’d do anything for you, Hudson
I hit send meaning every word.
I’d do anything for you, Vee, absolutely anything. I’d walk over hot coals for you, baby. I think I’m falling for you…
I gasp and my eyes widen. Then a small smile crosses my face.
I think I’m falling for you too…
My finger lingers over the send button. I wonder if me being in my home and sending this message is inappropriate? But then I think of the wind and the photo frame from earlier on today and I decide to live in the moment, not the past. I hit send.
I’m so glad to hear that, Vee, you have no idea!
So um, what are you wearing? ;-)
Laughing, I shake my head as I type in my reply.
It’s a brand new year and Hudson and I spent New Year’s Eve together unlike Christmas, which was nice. He was invited to hang out with the guys from work, but he wanted to spend it with me so I was more than happy to oblige. We were actually in bed at the stroke of midnight, but we weren’t sleeping if you catch my drift.
I’m hoping that we can move forward, after spending Christmas with my boys. I feel like it might be time to start thinking about what I want and not what I think I should be doing or thinking or feeling, but what I actually want out of my life.
I arrive at work, the first week of January. Cupiditas closes down to give all the workers a break, but today is the first day back and as I walk toward the building Angel is outside smoking again.
“You doing okay, hun?” I ask her as I walk past.
She nods, blowing out a puff of smoke and then takes another drag. I stop, turn and look back at her and she’s purposely avoiding eye contact with me.