by Jenika Snow
I had lost him, and what we had just done would be the last time. “Oh, Felix.” I wanted to demand he give me an explanation as to why we couldn’t be together, but I knew if I opened that door I would just end up getting hurt even more. I placed my hands on his chest, intent to push him to the side, but stopping and staring at where my hands rested on his chest. His skin was smooth and warm. I wanted to run my fingers down the rolling muscles of his abdomen, wanted to feel all that power right beneath my fingertips. I hadn’t done much of that back at the cabin, and I wouldn’t be doing that now.
Dropping my hands, I moved by him and picked up the scrap of material that was my panties.
“Anna.”
Turning around, I looked into his face, saw his composure back in place, and nodded. He didn’t have to say anything. I knew this was as far as it would go. I had tried, that was all I could do. Without a backward glance, I opened the door and left Claudette’s.
June 18th
It has been two weeks since I have wrote in this journal. I’ll be honest, I haven’t had the initiative or the desire to jot down my feelings. I haven’t seen or heard from Felix in these two weeks, but I’m not surprised. He had made himself perfectly clear, even if he hadn’t come right out and said he didn’t want me. Sometimes I think that I am giving up too easily, have even found myself getting ready to go back to Claudette’s, but I always stop right before I leave my house. I’ve tried to make things as “normal” as possible, but I feel like I am in this whirlwind and the ground is nowhere in sight.
I have tried to lead my life in a new direction, even going as far as going on several dates with one of the guys in my American Lit class. Max is very kind and considerate, and although those qualities are to be cherished, I wanted something harsher, more demanding. What I wanted was Felix, but I had to keep telling myself that what I wanted was not reality. It was a hard concept for me to get through my head.
I didn’t want to stop seeing Max because truth be told, he made me smile. I had never really been a social person, but Max seemed timid and almost afraid of me at times. I’m supposed to see Max again tonight, so maybe I’ll have something more upbeat to write about.
June 19th
Where to start. A lot happened last night, and although I’m not sure how to feel about it, I know everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes I feel like a child writing in this journal. I am after all a grown adult, but here I am, jotting down everything that comes to my messed up little mind because seeing it on paper makes me feel better. Maybe that is the whole purpose of it, but now, after so many pages have my dark scrawl on them, I can’t see myself not writing in it.
I had another date with Max last night and it was and wasn’t what I expected, if that makes any sense. Like I said, Max seems very timid around me, but the gentlemen quality he possesses almost seems to override that.
We had our first kiss last night. We had come back to my place to watch one of those old black and white movies that plays on AMC every Sunday. I really didn’t think it would have gone as far as it did, but before I knew it we were on the couch and making out. Max’s kiss was hesitant, but once his lips were on mine I felt him start to get a bit bolder. I even grew a little confidence myself.
Max wasn’t a big guy, taller than me, but lean like a swimmer. I let him feel me up. I feel so stupid saying that, like I am in high school letting a guy touch my breasts for the first time. Although he wasn’t very aggressive with his passion, kissing Max was nice. It certainly wasn’t the scorching inferno Felix created in me, but that part of my life was behind me. I had to accept that.
When his hand touched my breast he groaned against my mouth. It was low, but audible, and I felt myself grow aroused. He ran the tips of his fingers over my nipple, making the tissue grow hard. His other hand slid down to my hip, gently curled his fingers around the bone, and pulled me atop me. When I spread my legs to straddle him, I could feel the hard length of his erection beneath his jeans.
I had only been with Felix sexually and he had been dominating and powerful. Max was the complete opposite and I honestly didn’t know if I liked it. I wasn’t used to soft and tentative.
Our kiss deepened and I shifted on top of him when our tongues pressed together. I was so wet. I thought if the sex would be as powerful as it was with Felix, but forcefully pushed all thoughts of Felix from my mind.
Max gripped my waist and I thought he was ready to take it another step, but he broke the kiss. We looked at each other, his lips wet and swollen, his eyes glossy with desire.
“Wait.” He sounded out of breath, like he had run a marathon.
“What is it?” I was hesitant as to what he might say. Honestly, I was thankful that he had stopped. I didn’t know if I would have been able to go through with sleeping with him.
“I should probably be honest with you.”
Worry pricked at my mind and I slid off of him. Did he have something, an STD? Was he married? Did he have a baby on the way? Numerous possibilities as to what he was about to tell me churned in my brain.
“What is it?” I straightened my clothes and stared at him, feeling my brows drawn in worry.
“I’ve n-never…” His cheeks became red and he stumbled over his words. “I’ve never actually done this before.”
It took me a moment to realize what he was saying, and when it dawned on me that he was talking about never having sex, I felt my own cheeks heat. I sighed in relief and smiled at him. When he saw my reaction, he smiled too and visibly relaxed. “Oh Max.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“You don’t think differently of me?”
I could only imagine what guys thought about another guy not having sex at his age, but I found it sweet and endearing. “No, Max. I don’t think any differently of you. I’m actually glad.” I must have embarrassed him further because he squirmed next to me and averted his gaze. “No. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that, well, I don’t think I’m ready for this.” I moved my hand between us, hoping he knew what I was talking about.
“You mean you’re a virgin too?” I saw hope in his eyes.
“No, but well…”
“There's someone else in your life you can’t seem to get over?”
Had I been that transparent? I nodded and looked down at where my hands played with the hem of my shirt. “I thought I was ready, that I would try to move on, but I realize I’m not. I’m sorry.” I looked up at him, saw the understanding smile cover his lips and then felt his warm hand on mine.
“I understand.” He sounded sincere and I knew that even though Max and I wouldn’t have a romantic relationship, our friendship would be strong.
“Listen, I better get going. I have a chemistry final in the morning.”
I walked him to the door and when I shut it behind him I leaned against the wood. So much for trying to get over Felix and moving on with my life. The knock that sounded on the other side of my door vibrated through my bones and I smiled. No doubt Max had left something behind.
I opened the door. “What did you forget?” My smile faltered when I saw who was standing on the other side. Felix seemed big and imposing, taking up the entire doorway and blocking out the lights in the hallway. We must have stood there just staring at each other for five minutes before I snapped out of my daze.
“Felix. What are you doing here?” My voice didn’t sound like my own, but maybe that was because my throat seemed to close up and my mouth had gone dry. He turned around and stared down the hall at the elevator.
“Listen.” He turned back around and his gaze seemed to penetrate me. “I know I have no right to be here, not after what I said back at the club, but, well…fuck, Anna. Can I come in?” He ran his hand through his hair, disheveling the strands so they stuck up in every direction.
Stepping aside, I let him in and shut the door softly. He didn’t turn around, just seemed to take in my apartment. It was a tiny place, with only one small bedroom and bathroom off to the si
de. The kitchen and dining room where one room, but with all my clutter and Felix’s large form, it seemed miniscule. I couldn’t help but stare at his back, the muscles bulging and flexing with every small shift he made.
When he finally did turn around, I drew my eyes up to his face. I was speechless. I didn’t know it would feel like this to see him after these few weeks. It felt like I hadn’t seen him in ages, like I was looking at him for the first time.
“I don’t know what to say.”
I took a calming breath. “About what?” I thought the question, but then realized I had said it aloud. He stepped forward and I moved back until I felt the door greet my back. Craning my neck to meet his gaze, I felt adrenaline pound through me.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about when you came to the club, about what I said.” He placed his hands on the door, on either side of my head, and leaned forward. “I made a mistake. I was scared.” He chuckled to himself. “I didn’t know how to feel about the way I felt for you. I was confused.” He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, wanted to bring his big body close to mine, but I stayed still, needing to know what he was saying.
“I knew from the moment I saw you that I had to have you, but when I finally did, you made me feel something I haven’t felt before. It wasn’t just about dominating and submitting, Anna, it was so much more. Whenever I touched you, breathed in your scent, or just looked at you, I felt warmth in here.” He placed his hand over his heart. “It frightened me, and I didn’t know how to handle it so I pushed you away.” He opened his eyes and leaned back. He kept his hands by my head, caging me in, making me feel small beside his brute strength.
“I came here to say just that, but then I saw that boy leave.” He moved a few steps back and I didn’t miss how he enunciated the word boy. “I’m too late, and although I should have just left, I needed to get that out.”
Licking my lips, I didn’t know what to think. “That was Max.” Maybe not the best thing to say at this time, but the words just kind of fell out. I saw the way Felix’s jaw clenched and the tight nod he made. “He’s my friend.” Felix didn’t say anything so I decided to just say everything. “I went on several dates with him, trying to start my life over, but I couldn’t go through with…well, you know. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” Felix smiled, the tilt of his lips genuine, making his whole demeanor change. I was used to him being so stoic, and seeing any emotion from him was almost surreal.
“Oh, Anna.” He moved toward me so quickly I didn’t even see it coming. His hand cupped the back of my head, tilting it at the same time his mouth descended on mine. The kiss was one of longing and passion. Our tongues moved against each other, stroking, licking, caressing.
“I’ve missed you, baby.” He rained kisses along my jaw and down my neck. Heat bloomed inside of me and I felt my pussy become wet. Closing my eyes, I let myself absorb the feeling of his hand gripping my ass, squeezing it methodically as he pressed his jean clad cock against my belly.
“I’ve missed you too, Felix.” I breathed out and turned my head to accept his kiss.
“Maybe this is too fast and maybe it doesn’t seem logical, but there is a reason we are together, Anna.” He murmured against my lips. “Don’t you feel it? Can’t you feel this incredible fire that burns between us?” Nodding, I knew exactly what he was talking about. “You are the perfect sub, my perfect little sub. I won’t let you go, can’t now that I’ve had you.”
Gripping my ass, I wrapped my legs around his waist as he lifted me. With his hand still cupping my head and cradling it to his mouth, I felt cherished and loved.
“Room?” He broke the kiss momentarily to ask that one worded question and I pointed him in the right direction. Once through the threshold, he kicked the door shut with his foot and placed me on the middle of the bed. I panted as I watched him step away and start to undo the buttons of his shirt.
“Felix…” I didn’t know what I would have said if the look he gave me hadn’t stopped me from saying anything else.
“No. When we are in the bedroom I am the one that controls you. You may have my heart, but in here, I have your body and you’ll obey your Master. Is that clear?”
My clit tingled and my inner muscles clenched. Oh God, this is what I want, what I need. I watched as one of his dark brows rose at the same time he tossed his shirt away.
“It looks like our little time away at the cabin didn’t teach you the importance of obeying your Master. Arms above your head. Looks like the restraints are going to have to come out.”
Yes, they certainly would, because being bad never felt so fucking good.
The End
www.jenikasnow.com
Other Books by Jenika Snow:
Dark Lust: The Taste of Blood
Dark Lust: The Craving
Dark Lust: Master of Mine
Coming Soon:
Uncle Dominic's Touch
Evernight Publishing
www.evernightpublishing.com