by Henry Beard
If you can read this, I lost my trailer
Si hoc potes legere, traheam meam amisi
Reality TV—
SPECTACULA TELEVISORIA VERI SIMILIA
Celebrity Shark Attack
Impetus Pistricum in Insignes
Supermodel Food Fight
Pulcherrimae Inter Se Luctantes Edulibus
Beach Babe Lapdance Showdown
Certamen Ultimum Saltandi Nympharum Litoralium in Genibus Virorum
Blow Job Island
Insula Fellatoria
Nationwide Red Alert Hot Bod Strip Search
Inquisitio Summa Cum Vigilantia Per Omnes Nationis Partes Diffusa Corporum Formosiorum Nudatorum
Meet the Organ Donors
Salvete, O Daturi Membra Post Mortem
Baby-sitters from Hell Bring Home Animals that Kill for Fun
Nutriculae Infernales in Domos Adducunt Feras Quae ad Delicias Interficiunt
Big Fat Slobs Eat Shit for Cash
Helluones Squalidi Merdam Pro Nummis Comedunt
Who Wants to Marry a Rich Old Fart with a Terminal Disease?
Quis Vult Nubere Peditori Capulari Diviti?
Hardball Talk Shows—
DISCEPTATIONES TUMULTUOSAE
That’s a load of bull, and you know it!
Merae fabulae sunt, et eas esse tales scis!
You wouldn’t know a fact if one hit you on the head!
Rem veram non cognoscas etiamsi frontem tibi feriat!
You’re a liberal stooge!
Pedisequus parasiticus es popularium!
You’re a right-wing moron!
Stipator stultus es optimatum!
See you next week!
Vos revisemus post septimanam!
Ultimate Sports—
LUDI EXTRAORDINARII
Bass-fishing—Piscatus Percarum
Let me guess—you have to drink the beer to make room in the ice chest for all the fish you catch
Ut coniecturam faciam—necesse est tibi bibere cerevisiam ut locum in cista glaciei des piscibus captis
It’s a keeper!
Licet mihi hunc retinere!
Stock car racing—Certamen Curruum Generalium
When are they going to start running into each other and blowing up?
Quando inter se collidentes incipient in flammas dirumpi?
Pit stop!
Statio restaurativa!
Wrestling—Luctatus
Something tells me that the mean-looking bearded guy dressed up like the Ayatollah is no match for the wily Captain America
Suspicor illum truculentum barbatum ritu archierei Persici vestitum non esse comparem Centurioni Americano vafro
Smashmouth! Smackdown!
Ictus in os! Prostratio!
Bungee jumping—Saltus de Ponte
How dumb would you have to be to jump off a bridge with a rope tied to your foot?
Quam vecors sit is qui de ponte saliat pedibus funiculo ligatis?
Geronimo!
Geronimo, geronimare!
Snowboarding—Super Nivem Labi
Hey dude, let’s head to the halfpipe, catch some major air, and stick some tricks!
Heus, laute, contendamus ad canalem nivalem ut aerem oppido capientes nonnullas technas exsequamur!
Super rad! I’m stoked!
Maxime radicitus! Flagro!
The Olympics—Olympia
I’ll vote for the Greek in the wrestling if you vote for the Roman in the chariot race
Graeco palmam dabo in certamine luctandi si Romano palmam dabis in certamine quadrigarum
Deal!
Fiat haec pactio!
Trash Talk in the Colosseum—
CONTUMELIA IN AMPHITHEATRO FLAVIO
You want a part of me? Bring it on!
Visne partem mei capere? Comminus agamus!
Are you dissing me?
Insultasne tu miki?
You’re yesterday’s news
In actis diurnis iamdudum es celebratus
You’re toast
Mox corvos pasces
You don’t know your ass from a catacomb
Non possis distinguere tuum podicem a Puticulis
Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town, Rome has eight hills
Mater tua tam obesa est ut cum Romae est, urbs habet octo colles
* Your mother is so fat, when she’s in town Rome has eight hills
** Kiss my basilisk!
Your mother is so ugly, when the gods turned her into a pig, she thought her prayers had been answered
Mater tua tam turpis est ut cum di eam mutaverint in porcam, suas preces putaverit eos audivisse
Your mother is so stupid, when she found a coin with Caesar’s name on it, she tired to return it to him
Mater tua tam stulta est ut cum invenerit nummum ferentem nomen Caesaris, huic eum restituere conata sit
Go ahead, punk—make my day
Age, catamite—fac mihi hunc diem felicissimum
Spring Break—
FERIAE VERNALES
Road trip!
Iter faciamus!
Let’s party hearty!
Pergraecemur!
Wet T-shirt contest!
Certamen inter mammosas tunicis madefactis vestitas!
Go ahead, card me. See, I’ve got a Latin ID. I’m 2,000 years old.
Age, scrutare chartam identitatis meam. Ecce, est mihi syngraphus Latinus. Duo milia annorum sum natus.
I’m wasted!
Crapulentus sum!
I’m going to hurl!
Vomiturus sum!
Country Music Favorites—
MUSICA RUSTICA FAVORABILISSIMA
Si Telephonium Non Tintinnat, Ego Voco
If Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
Causam Tibi Dabo Bibendi
I’ll Give You Something to Drink About
Quomodo Una Nocte Facta Tam Turpis Es?
How Did You Get So Ugly Overnight?
Si Dies Hodiernus Esset Piscis, Reicerem
If Today Was a Fish I’d Throw it Back
Mater Cape Malleum, Musca Sedet in Capite Patris
Mother Get the Hammer, There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head
Si Me Deseras, Liceatne Mihi Te Comitari?
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Quomodo Te Desiderare Potero Si Non Discesseris?
How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
Per Anulum Illa Trusit Digitum Medicinalem, Ac Ostendit Mihi Digitum Medium
She Got the Ring, and I Got the Finger
Tu Causa Es Cur Liberi Nostri Tam Turpiculi Sint
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Sine Te Tam Miser Sum Ut Videaris Etiamnunc Adesse
I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here
Caput Dolet, Pedes Fetent, Iesum Non Amo
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don’t Love Jesus
Chilling Out—
SERMO OTIOSORUM
Wassup?
Quagis?
Nothin’, watching the game
Nihil ago, ludos specto
True, true
Vero, vero
It’s off the hook
Ab unco remotumst
Talk to the hand, the face don’t understand
Adloquere manum, facies nescit quid velis
Black togas are cool
Togae atrae lepidae sunt
Want to see my sword collection?
Vin’ aspicere collectum gladiorum meum?
I’m thinking of taking a catapult into the school cafeteria . . .
Cogito ferre catapultam in cenationem scholae . . .
Graffiti—
INSCRIPTIONES LATRINALES
Make love, not war—hell, get married, do both
Suscipite amorem, non bellum—eheu, iuncti matrimonio, suscipite utrumque
Procrastinate now
Procrastina rem nunc
Flush twice, it’s a long way to Texas
Evacua
cratera latrinalem bis, Texas procul est
If it has tits, tires, or testicles, it’s nothing but trouble
Mammeatae, rotalia, testiculati, omni modo molesta sunt
Gods are dead
Di mortui sunt
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder
Cervesia pota, pulchritudo cernitur
Yankee, go home—and take me with you
Americani, redite domum—ducentes me vobiscum
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Si quidem animalia nobis edenda non sunt, quare constant ex carne?
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t
Sunt genera tria hominum: illi qui numerare possunt, et illi qui non possunt
It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
Res tam malae sunt quam putas, et inimici re vera te persequuntur
Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?
In sortitionibus donativis, cur numquam praemia consequuntur sortilegi?
Aunt Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog—Dorothy
Amita Aemilia: Te Kansiamque odi, Canem mecum abduco—Dorothea
If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
Si quidem pedibus ire tam salubre corpori est, cur similis est noster tabellarius forma illi Iabbae Hutico?
Kill Barney
Interfice Arcturulum, istum mimum personatum portentosum purpureum palaeozoicum
Road Rage—
IRA IN VIA
Where did you learn to drive—fleeing from Huns?
Ubi didicisti gubernare currum? In fuga ab Hunnis?
That’s it, numbnuts. Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light.
Euge, enervate eunuche! Ingredere in orbitam meam prae me, tum reprime cursum cum biviali lucernae approprinquas.
Now speed up when I try to pass you, and as I go by, give me the finger.
Nunc, accelera cum conor te praeterire, mihique praetereunti ostende digitum impudicum.
Okay, tailgater—time for a brake check
Em, ichneumon—tempus est sufflamina temptare
Big car, little dick
Currus magnus, mentula minuscula
You know what S.U.V.s and hemorrhoids have in common? Every asshole has one.
Scisne quid commune superlativa urbana vehicula cum haemorrhoidis habeant? Est unum ex his utrisque malis cuique pathico.
* That’s it, numbnuts! Pull out in front of me, then slow down when you get to the light!
** Where did you learn to drive? Fleeing from Huns?
Lady, if you’re going to sit there all day yakking on your cell phone, why don’t you stick a steering wheel on your living room wall and just stay home?
Muliercula, si vis ibi sedens garrire totum diem in Nokiam tuam, quidni rotam adfigens gubernalem ad murum conclavis domi maneas?
What are you saving those pretty little turn signals for—Christmas?
Quod ad tempus reservas ista lumina pulchella praemonitoria—ad Saturnalia?
No, Mr. Busybody, I am not handicapped, but you will be if you don’t move your nosy butt out of that parking place, pronto
Minime, ardelio, nullo modo debilis sum, sed fies tu quidem, si clunes tuas curiosas non removeris protinam ab illa statione
Don’t boot my car!
Noli caligam in rotam currus mei adfigere!
I am too allowed in the car pool lane! See, I’m not alone. I suffer from multiple personality disorder.
Certe mihi licet vehi in orbita seposita curribus repletis. Ecce, non solus sum. Legio mihi nomen est, quia multi sumus.
There are three of us here. I want to drive! No, it’s my turn! No fair, what about me? Me me me!
Adsunt tres. Volo gubernare! Immo, ordo memet vocat! Iniquum est! Quid de me? Me me me!
Does that Breathalyzer have a Latin setting?
Potestne illa machina pneumatodocimastica ad linguam Latinam accommodari?
I have Vatican diplomatic immunity. If you give me a ticket, you’re going to end up cooling your heels in The Hague in a jail cell full of Yugoslavian war criminals.
Sedes Romana Sacra mihi diplomaticam immunitatem tribuit. Si me vocaveris in ius, aetatem tuam deges Hagae Comitis, conditus in carcerem refertum Iugoslavorum condemnatorum de bellum contra ius gentium gerendo.
Air Rage—
IRA IN AËRE
Do you have nail-clipper-sniffing dogs?
Habetisne canes quae forficulas unguales olfacere possunt?
I think that guy with a napkin on his noggin has a catapult in his shoe
Credo illum mantelium in capite gerentem occultavisse catapultam in caliga
Hey, pal, is that carry-on luggage or did you just sack Carthage?
Heia, amice, utrum illae sunt sarcinae tuae, an modo Carthaginem despoliasti?
Say, miss, didn’t you used to work for Con Air?
Dic mihi, domnicella, nonne te conducebat aëria classis quae condemnatos transportabat?
You know, even galley slaves were served meals
Nempe cibus dabatur etiam servis navalibus
If there’s an accident, I’m going to charge people to use this exit
Si de caelo cadere incipiamus, vectores pretium pro usu huius exitus poscam
Warning Labels—
SCHEDAE MONITORIAE
Your nose may fall off
Fieri potest ut nasus tuus decidat
You may develop hot-dog fingers
Fieri potest ut digiti tui formam tomaculorum sumant
Your head may explode
Fieri potest ut caput tuum displodatur
Your brain may turn to mush
Fieri potest ut cerebrum tuum liquefiat
You may start babbling in Latin
Fieri potest ut Latine blaterare incipias
II
Lingua Latina Media
Intermediate Latin
Caesar’s PowerPoint Presentation—
CAESAR TIBI PROPOSITA MAXIMI MOMENTI PRAEFERT
I
Argumentum
Gallia, terra in partes tres divisa
*Cisalpina
*Transalpina
*Oblitus sum tertiae
Topic
Gaul, a country with three parts
*Northern Italy
*France
*I forget
II
Consilium
*Visere
*Videre
*Vincere
Plan
*Make a visit
*Have a look-see
*Take it over
III
Sequelae
*De bello stultum librum scribam
*A nonnullis irrumatoribus occidar in Foro
*Acetaria et mensis accipient a me nomina
Follow-up
*Write a stupid book about it
*Get assassinated in the forum by a bunch of assholes
*Salad and month get named after me
IV
Conclusio
*Faciam ut animus meus scrutetur
*Quid illa femella Cleopatra?
Conclusions
*Get head examined
*What about that Cleopatra dame?
Top 10 Reasons to Live in the Time of the Caesars
DECEM OPTIMAE RATIONUM CUR IN AEVO CAESARUM VIVERE IUCUNDIUS ESSET
X. Calculus won’t be invented for another fifteen hundred years
Calculus differentialis non invenietur intra mille quingentos annorum
IX. When you’re late on a rainy day, you can always blame the sundial
Si sub Iove pluvioso serius advenias, tu culpare semper potes horologium solare
VIII. If you piss off one god, you’ve still got 600 left
Si deum irrites unum, sescenti tibi iam supersint
VII. Actors are treated like dirt
Histriones foede tractantur
VI. Athletes who complain about their pay end up in
an urn
Athletae qui queruntur de mercedibus mox in urnas funduntur
V.Scumbags who get the death penalty think they got off light
Scelesti mortis damnati se leviores poenas pensuros reuntur
IV. The likeliest place to find some pushy Christian preacher is inside a lion
Veri simillimum est, locum in quo praedicatorem Christianum protervum invenies, ventrem leoninum esse
III. The French are an ignorant bunch of servile peasants living in smelly huts, and the Germans are getting their asses kicked
Gens Gallorum inerudita servilis agrestis est, in tuguriis foetidis habitans, et Germani vapulant
II. A healthy diet consists of waiting to see if the food taster dies before having anything to eat
Diaeta salubris est, antequam aliquid cenes, observare an moriatur praegustator
I. Everyone is always dressed for a toga party
Omnès amiciuntur semper togis quasi convivium agitaturi
That Old-Time Religion—
ILLA RELIGIO PRISCA
Actually, I’m a born-again pagan
Re vera, cultor denuo renatus deorum Romanorum antiquorum sum
I get to worship whomever I like, including SpongeBob SquarePants
Licet mihi venerari pro deo quemlibet, etiam SpongoRobertum QuadratoBracatum
I always ask myself, What would Julius Caesar do?
Me semper rogo, Quid faceret Iulius Caesar?
No, as far as miracles go, this “J. C.” never raised the dead, but he certainly lowered a lot of the living
Immo, si de miraculis agitur, ille “I Ce” nullos mortuos ad vitam revocavit, sed tamen multos vivos ad mortem sane misit