by Amanda McGee
Anything to keep me from slinking back into that familiar pit of despair that formed after my mother died—though, I was hovering dangerously close to the edge.
Almost six weeks ago we were in the middle of an impromptu magic carpet ride. Now, Sadie and Blaze had moved in with me at Mom's, we spoke of James every day, and I hadn’t dreamt of Tristan once.
My hope was that the pain would dissipate if I just ignored it, even though that did not work at all with my memories of Mom. My voluntary disregard of all things Tristan was more for Sadie and Blaze, who constantly hung around awaiting my inevitable breakdown. I had managed to quell the urge to cry and scream about life being unfair.
At least as far as everyone else was concerned.
The truth was I missed him. Grieved for him—painful, heart-wrenching grief. Each day was an obstacle. I began by cursing the sleepless night while dreading the happy face I was forced to slap on and the robotic routine I had to follow. The last thing I needed was Sadie and Blaze worrying about me. They had their own wrinkles to iron out.
Every night I hoped to dream of him, but if I managed to actually fall asleep, my mind was blank. No visions of Tristan, Haliwick, or anything at all. Just darkness. Empty, tragic darkness.
I had narrowed down the culprit to anxiety or the crippling fear of what I might see. My ability was a gift but it was also a heavy burden. I’d lay awake desperate to see him but terrified of what I may or may not see should I fall asleep. The possible scenarios were endless. Good or bad, no sighting of him could heal the hurt I carried inside. He was still gone.
Being awake posed little reassurance because at any second a vision, whose only message was danger, could trigger and inform me that another fight was coming on our way.
Mostly, I worried that I would soon forget his beautiful face.
“Questions? Comments?” the student guide asked.
Completely oblivious to what was being discussed, I lingered in the back of my group of fifteen other new students. All of them seemed eager to begin their college journey and the handful of parents that decided to accompany their young adults beamed with pride. I practically grumbled at the sight of them all.
They each wore their school spirit across their chests or on their heads, donning various Savannah College of Art and Design merchandise they had purchased during our trip through the campus store. They were out of their minds if they thought I was keen to participate.
My spirit had been broken.
My appearance was even more disturbing. I maintained a healthy level of hygiene but my fashion statements of late consisted of cotton cheerleading shorts and old t-shirts, including the one I “borrowed” from Tristan and the ones I swiped from Blaze and Sadie that Tristan had loaned them. They didn’t seem to mind.
Classes would start soon and I longed for the escape. I longed for the strangers who would not be inspecting my expressions or actions for signs of heartbreak. They would have no knowledge of the ache inside me and wouldn’t care enough to ask.
Eventually, our tour ended and I returned home. It was entirely too hot to sulk outside.
Transitioning between realms put a great deal of stress on our bodies and minds. My muscles ached and my recollections were jumbled at best. I milked that for as long as possible, using it as an excuse to stay in bed. Over time, the pieces of our adventure returned to our memories through group conversations and sporadic recollections but my images of Tristan were slipping away.
The love I felt for him still burned in my heart but I couldn’t keep the pictures from fading. Seeing him, even if only in my memories, reminded me of why I could not function normally. When I no longer had that luxury, I feared the pain would consume me.
“Alex, you in there?”
Sadie’s voice startled me.
My eyes slammed shut again as the mid-afternoon sun bounced through my window, reflecting off my electric yellow bedroom walls. The unexpected shock distressed my depressed brain and stung my eyes.
The reason for painting my bedroom walls yellow was a mystery but I had liked the unusual color selection until now. The shade was supposed to be greenish yellow but instead I ended up with electric yellow. I remember Kate asking why I would choose such a happy color when I wasn’t that happy of a person.
The answer still escaped me. But I needed to be in my room.
I jumped out of bed. Judging by her footsteps, Sadie was seconds from walking in.
“I’m here,” I said in the most upbeat voice I could muster.
She bounced into the room in her usual cheerful manner just as she had done every morning for the past month. I raked my fingers through my hair trying to disguise my bed head and pretend that I wasn’t moping around. If only I knew how to find the strength to exist with half a heart.
Even Sadie’s jovial demeanor was lost on me by now. I once fed off of her positivity but now my internal gloom was overpowering. Still, I was glad she was here.
“Kate is here,” she said, studying my face.
As far as I could tell, my fake happiness was fooling them. I had also learned to not assume. I expected any day to walk downstairs and face an intervention. Now that Kate had arrived, I was sure that moment was upon me—again.
“I still don’t know what to tell her,” I said, struggling to get my jeans on. “We experienced it all and still found ourselves doubting it.”
“You don’t have to tell her everything,” Sadie said. “I am sure just our presence will occupy much of her time and leave little room for other questions.”
“She saw the journal. She knows enough to know that something is weird. At least I have you guys to back me up when she thinks I have gone off the deep end.”
“This is true,” she said. “Maybe they’ll put us in adjoining padded rooms.”
I actually managed to laugh at her attempt at sarcasm. I might have been depressed but our lives were still too strange to shun humor completely. I enjoyed a sarcastic remark or humorous joke as much as anyone. The fact that I recognized her comment as amusing gave me the slightest bit of hope that I might fully recover—and give Sadie a break in worrying over me.
“Have you called your mom today?” I asked.
“Yes, she says hello. She’s coming by tomorrow. Says I have mail but I’m pretty sure she just misses me.”
“I still can’t believe she let you move in here. Let her visit as much as she wants.”
The decision for the three of us to live together required very little discussion. Upon returning from Haliwick we felt closer and slightly traumatized and never left one another’s side. Next thing you know we were loading up moving trucks and transferring Sadie to Knox High.
“I was here all the time anyway,” Sadie said. “She’s just understanding of our situation. And plus, she’s moving down here in a few weeks.”
“Seriously? Since when?”
“Since she told me today.”
“I knew she couldn’t be away from her little baby girl,” I said, laughing.
“Shut up! I’m practically an adult. Besides, you need us way more than we need you.”
Picking up a pillow I smacked Sadie across the arm with it. She was right, even if she was joking, but I couldn’t let her get away with it.
The attachment I had to living alone faded after our spontaneous trip to an alternate reality. Perhaps I did not like total seclusion as much as I thought or maybe now that I wasn’t alone, I had nothing to hide from.
Of course, there was always the possibility that we came back wrong—jumbled up, wacky versions of who we were—who could really know how safe magic passageways were?
Our powers had not been required since then and I for one was thankful. No visions meant no danger and no danger meant more time to heal and adjust. I would watch Sadie and Blaze from my bedroom window as they practiced their special talents. I claimed to be taking a nap but in actuality I just needed solitude.
“I still can’t believe that Blaze fixed this entire house,”
I said, walking downstairs. “It was destroyed. He is quite handy.”
“He really is!” Sadie added. “He’s probably the only person to ever use magical abilities to install windows.”
We stopped at the door and exchanged a glance of disbelief. We giggled once again at the absurd truth.
“Okay, he is definitely the only person to do that,” Sadie said, correcting her previous statement.
“Well, at least you’re alive!” Kate yelled as I stepped onto the front porch. “So I see the sibling story was real. Does that mean the magic is too?”
Her tone was calm and totally serious.
“Basically,” I said.
I braced myself for her high-pitched response.
“It’s so hot out here,” she finally said. “California was hot too. I can’t escape the heat.”
I expected her to pester me for answers and then dismiss any information as ludicrous. Except here she was coolly, conversing as if we were discussing lunch plans as she joined Sadie in the swing.
“Kate!” I yelled.
“What? I’m right here, no need to yell.”
“I didn’t mean to,” I said. “But are you honestly just going to ignore the elephant in the room? You find out that your best friend, whom you have known most of your life, has secret siblings and magic powers and you choose to discuss the weather?”
“You have magic powers? What can you do?”
“Visions of danger and psychic dreams, blah blah blah,” I answered.
“I can hypnotize,” Sadie added.
“This,” Blaze said, extending his lit-up hand.
“Awesome,” Kate said nonchalantly.
I seemed to be the only person on this porch unable to comprehend Kate’s disinterest. As much as I dreaded explaining and re-explaining how I spent my summer vacation, I expected a little more of a reaction.
“That’s it?” I asked. “Just…awesome?”
“The world is a question mark, Alex. You can question everything and never get a moment’s peace or a legitimate answer or you can just accept that strange things happen.”
My mouth was wide open. This wasn't the same Kate who fell silent and left traumatized several weeks before. Sadie, Blaze, and I had discovered our huge secret and grappled with it for over a month while Kate blew into town and put it all in perspective within five minutes. I had known she was intelligent but who knew she was this multifaceted?
“Impressive,” Blaze said breaking the silence. “I’m Blaze by the way.”
Blaze walked over and shook Kate’s hand, nearly tripping over his own feet.
“Hey, Blaze,” Kate said with her signature toothy smile. “Nice to meet you.”
Within seconds he was back across the porch, leaning against a post at the farthest end with his gaze directed at the floor. Sadie giggled to herself at the sight of Blaze fumbling about and I knew I wasn’t imagining things.
Could it be that a pretty girl is his one weakness? Mr. Marine with all his muscles and tough guy attitude gets shy around girls?
“And I’m Sadie. I know we met but I can’t remember if I introduced myself, I was too excited!”
“I don’t know if Sadie is ever not excited,” I said.
The day we moved her things from Aunt Leah’s to here I worried that she might combust. Her energy levels were through the roof and her body reacted as if she had consumed large amounts of sugar. Blaze was, of course, much more subdued when we moved him in but Sadie radiated enough excitement for all three of us.
“They live here now,” I said. “We live here now.”
“Right on,” Kate said. “She needs supervision. Y’all keep an eye on her.”
“Oh, they do.”
“What about school?” Kate asked.
“I’m going to commute. It’s only twenty minutes and Sadie will be attending good old K.H.S.”
“Oh, K.H.S.!” Kate said. “Every time I hear that I want to break out in a cheer.”
She clapped her hands together enthusiastically and made a perfect V shape with her arms stretched above her head—the pose all rookie cheerleaders must perfect if they expected to be considered useful.
“Oh, please don’t,” I said.
Kate was a cheerleader during high school. After four years of shouting “Go Knox!” and “K-H-S!” I imagined it would evoke certain nostalgia. Kate was perfect and tried several times to convince me to try out but in no realm, magic or otherwise, was I a cheerleader.
“I was a cheerleader at my old school!” Sadie exclaimed.
“Of course you were,” Blaze said. “That’s the most believable thing I’ve heard in a while.”
“You took the words right out of my mouth,” I said with a laugh.
“Yeah, I stopped this past year to focus on being Class President,” Sadie continued, ignoring our jabs.
This moment was comfortable and real. I could have kicked myself for wasting the past month moping when I made a promise to myself in Haliwick that I would cherish what I had. Recognizing the warmth and importance of this very moment was yet another sign that I would survive. It would just take some time.
I had never had a broken heart, at least not this kind. It was unreasonable to think it wouldn’t be difficult to cope with such a loss. My goal was to mourn without alienating these people that I had come to love.
“Hey, Alex,” Sadie said. “Are you going to tell Kate about Tristan?”
“Tristan?” Kate asked. “A boy!”
Gah, there's two of them.
Sadie and Kate snickered like immature twelve-year-old girls while I considered rescinding my previous thoughts of love. It was not Sadie’s intention to yank out the remaining pieces of my heart and kick them across the porch but, in a less dramatic way, that was exactly what she did.
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I said plainly.
Instantly, the snickering halted and the awkwardness set in. This was the first time his name had been mentioned, at least in front of me. Sadie misread the situation and got ahead of herself. Blaze deflected his attention across the front lawn, feigning ignorance as hard as he could. Sadie and Kate idled in the swing, Sadie out of fear and Kate out of sheer confusion. The looks on their faces read loud and clear.
“It’s hard to talk about,” I said. “I didn’t mean to kill the mood, I just don’t know what to say or if I could say it if I did.”
“You can say whatever you’d like,” Kate said. “You can say nothing. It’s up to you. I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”
Holding feelings and emotions inside might work for a short time but, ultimately, it would probably devour you. A handful of psychology classes and a few soap opera episode’s would tell you that much. Besides, I was getting nowhere fast by keeping it to myself and I had come too far to revert back to my old ways. I could sulk all I pleased but shutting down was not an option.
“He was perfect and beautiful,” I said, pushing the grief as far back as possible.
Sadie’s head sprung up from its previous downward, defeated position. Even Blaze turned to face me at whiplash speed. His reaction was exactly what I needed to encourage me to continue.
“He loved me for some reason,” I continued. “He saved us and we left him. Leaving him was hard but we prepared ourselves for it. The worst part was leaving him when we did. I’ll never know…”
Images of that day flashed in my head bringing unwanted emotions with them. I was ripped away from Tristan in the most devastating way possible. The devastating blow to my heart as the portal sucked me into its cradling current of colors and tore me away from Tristan when he needed us the most was still fresh as the day it happened.
“What do you mean?” Kate said slowly, seeing the heartache on my face. “Left him where? Go get him.”
“I guess I should have lead with that,” I said. “We took an impromptu trip to Haliwick.”
“As in the Haliwick?”
“Yeah, that’s right...the Haliwick. We fell fr
om the sky, met Tristan, met our grandfather, and befriended a man trapped inside a three-year-olds body. Then we battled a witch named Katerina who wanted revenge on our mother. Tristan absorbed her powers, Blaze killed her, and we left.”
“But you know, weird things just happen, right?” Blaze deadpanned to Kate.
I was oddly entertained by all of this. Blaze crawled out of his unexpected shell long enough to toss a mocking remark at Kate who was utterly speechless. This was certainly better than sulking.
Though I could never tell another soul our story, there was no rule stating I could not revel in this particular moment a bit longer.
“Yep, the house was destroyed,” I continued. “We were sucked into this portal that carried us to Haliwick. We landed in a field of flowers and Tristan appeared. It turns out, I had dreamed of him some time ago. That is one of my powers.”
It was cruel to enjoy this so much, I knew. For once in our fourteen-year friendship, I had managed to not only surprise Kate but also out-do any story or adventure she could concoct. I had never felt competitive with her but this was truly exhilarating.
“You’re lucky I’m so open-minded,” Kate said finally. “That journal was a trip all by itself but now...I mean...what do you say?”
“Don’t worry yourself,” Sadie said. “We went through it and still don’t know what to say.”
We lingered a bit longer, I with a huge smile, while Kate mulled it all over. With my head tilted, resting comfortably on the back of the rocking chair, I watched Blaze pretend to not watch Kate as she sifted through every iota of intellect she kept stored in that brain of hers.
Thankfully, she did not need much time.
“Katerina huh,” Kate mumbled. “Makes me want to change my name.”
“Yeah, that’s the lesson here,” I laughed. “Only you would make that realization.”
“She’s gone now so you can retain full ownership of all forms of the name,” Sadie said.
“And the crazy that goes along with it,” I added.
The initial shock wore off enough for us all to resume our Thursday. I actually felt up for the challenge. Everyone went in to make lunch but I decided to stay outside for once.