Silent Bob

by Erik Schubach

  We spent the rest of the evening listening to the howling wind, checking on the snow accumulation around the tent then chatting. We fell back into that easy pattern of conversation, sharing everything about ourselves. It was so easy for me to forget our earlier confrontation and enjoy her company.

  Finally around midnight, I switched off my lantern and we buried ourselves in the sleeping bag. I listened to her breathing even out then silently cried for yet another failed relationship and let sleep slowly overtake me.

  Chapter 3 – Back to Town

  I awoke at 6:00am to the soft chiming of the satellite phone alarm I had set last night. With Blake lying half on top of me with her head on my chest and her arm around my waist, pinning me down. She looked good, even with her hair messed up from sleep. I could just lay here all day like this, she is so warm and... I shook those thoughts out of my head. She had made it abundantly clear which side of the fence she treads on.

  There was no way to gracefully extract myself so I could start breakfast and take stock of the campsite. So I looked at the ceiling of the tent in resignation, anticipating her reaction even though she was the one draped over me. I gently shook her awake, speaking softly, “Blake. Blake, I have to get breakfast started. You have to move.”

  Her eyes fluttered lazily open and she yawned then looked up at me. Her eyes went wide and she pulled her arm back and sat up quickly. Before she could say anything awkward, I slid out of the sleeping bag, grabbing my coat and gloves and put them on quickly without a word.

  It was frigging frigid! Normally I would have geared up inside the sleeping bag, but I wanted to distance myself from her no doubt accusing thoughts.

  I pulled up my hood then opened a tent flap and dug out the outside portion of the vented tent heater from the snow and used my striker on the burner below the 'hot box'. Once it was lit, I connected the lantern battery to the blower fan.

  I took a moment to look around It was still a little dark but the sky was starting to brighten. It had stopped snowing sometime during the night, we must have gotten about six to eight inches of new snow.

  Then I went back inside the tent, not looking back as I dug through the provisions. I spoke back over my shoulder holding up some tins, “Umm... baked beans and franks, and some kind of berry dessert?” I heard a quiet grunt of agreement then opened the tent flap and jammed the windscreen into the snow and started up the camp stove again, placing the tins on the burner before retreating back into the tent.

  I grabbed the radio and turned it on. “Roberta Valentine to Homeplate.”

  The radio crackled and Remmy's crushed granite voice grated out. “Yeah Roberta, we read ya. Now get yer ass home so I can go get some sleep.”

  I smiled to myself. “You stayed all night didn't you?”

  He gruffed. “No, I just happened to get in a little early today. Don't flatter yourself. And if I weren't here, none of these lazy people here would answer your check in. As infuriatingly impetuous as you are, I know you will never miss a check in, so I thought I should be here when you did. Now check in when you're heading home and I'll do the same.”

  I shook my head with a smile. “Aw, you worry about me. I love you too, grumpy. Roberta Valentine out.”

  I shut off the radio and turned to reorganize my gear, then sat down near the tent flap. I finally glanced back at Blake, she seemed to be studying me intently.

  She took a deep breath and spoke finally, “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I kind of latch on to things when I sleep.” She blushed a little, which looked particularly attractive on her face.

  I looked back to my gear to organize it... again... as I spoke, “I wasn't uncomfortable. I just don't want you thinking it was me. I have no intention of making a move on you.”

  She was quiet for a long uncomfortable minute then she suddenly blurted out. “Why? Don't you find me attractive? Is it the damn leg brace? All I seem to attract are losers... apparently not even lesbians are interested.”

  I turned to her, I was a little shocked at this show of insecurity from a woman who goes stomping around in blizzards on a mountain at night. Though I do understand, I'm sort of feeling the same way after this fiasco with Jerry. I spoke, “Umm... who said I didn't find you attractive? What the hell would your leg brace have to do with anything?” I know I was blushing now so I quickly moved to the flap again and unzipped it and grabbed the tins from the stove and set them in the snow, then disassembled the stove and windscreen. I brought it all inside.

  I packed everything up and then set the food in front of her and handed her a fork, not meeting her eyes. We sat in silence for a bit, picking at the food and sipping from our water bottles. She spoke quietly, “Sorry. The Jerry thing just has me a little off. You're just the first person that hasn't asked me about the brace. I thought maybe you found it... never mind, I don't know what I thought.”

  I shrugged. “It's just another piece of gear. If you couldn't handle it, you wouldn't be out here with it. Nothing to ask about, nothing to tell.” I couldn't give a crap one way or the other about it. It didn't seem to slow her down any, and if she wanted to share anything about it, then she would. I risked glancing at her, she was still studying me.

  It was getting hot in the tent... I took my jacket off, it had to be like fifty or fifty five degrees inside now but not getting any warmer, that seemed to be the limit of that damn little heater. It does a good job in a confined space. It was eighteen degrees outside when I checked my weather station as I cranked up that heater.

  She cleared her throat then she spoke much steadier, more into the air than to me, “I took a fall doing some free climbing a couple years back. Messed up my knee a bit, only need the brace if I'm hiking or on my feet for extended periods. Stops the leg from twisting...”

  Then she trailed off and her voice raised a bit. “Good God it's warm in here!” She pulled herself out of the sleeping bag and sat on top of it to continue eating. She looked over to the silver collapsible vent hose sticking into the tent. Then looked to me. “You had that last night and you let us freeze before we warmed up in the bag?” Her eyes were twinkling in mirth and a crooked smile was on her face.

  I laughed a little at her then said, “I think they are cheating... I mean hey, if you want heated rooms and comfort, stay in a goddamn hotel. This is camping! I'm just testing it out so I'm not talking out of my ass when we sell them to our clientele.” I finished with a toothy grin. She rolled her eyes and shoveled some “raspberry surprise” into her mouth with her fork. Why are all these fruit desserts a surprise when they print them right on the ration pack?

  With all the awkwardness out of the way, we fell back into our comfortable conversations about everything and anything as I packed everything up. I grabbed my coat. “Ready?”

  She grinned and we geared back up. After stacking all my gear and disassembling the tent and rolling up the ground barrier, I stood up and stretched out my back a bit. Blake was looking at my gear then at me. She finally spoke, “Ummm... just how the hell did you pack all that up here with you?”

  I couldn't help the smile that crept up on my face, I'm sure it looked as though I was being all secretive as I tiled my head and nodded in the direction of two nearby snow mounds. I walked over and grabbed under the snow then pulled a corner of one of the traps up, retrieving my snow anchor and revealed the cargo sled.

  She again rolled her eyes playfully at me with a silly grin on her face. “OK. Not to sound like a broken record, but... you had a snowmobile and you let us freeze in a tent last night?” She chuckled a little as I waggled my eyebrows.

  We dusted as much snow as we could off the tarps then retrieved the anchors and pulling the tarps up, allowing the rest of the snow to slide off. She joked around as she helped me fold the traps and stow them in the cargo sled.

  Then I turned to her. “So, Blake. Hitch a ride with me or you going to hike out?”

  She threw her pack onto the sled and secured it, shooting me a sly smile. “Lazy. Remembe
r?”

  We laughed as we mounted up on the snowmobile. I had the radio out and turned it on. “Roberta Valentine to Homeplate.”

  Remmy replied instantly, “We read ya, Roberta. Took your goddamn time.”

  I heard Blake snort behind me, I tried hard not to laugh as I replied, “Hey, I'm plus one remember? Just checking in to let you know we are on our way in. See you in a few.”

  He growled back, “OK. See you then. You're such a pain you know that?”

  I snickered. “Love you, too. Roberta Valentine out.”

  I looked back to a thoroughly amused Blake. I couldn't help but smile. “What?”

  She shook her head. “You are pretty religious about the check in thing aren't you?”

  I shrugged. “Safety is key when you are out alone. This is something my uncle pounded into me as I grew up before I lost him. The other thing was 'never climb alone', so one out of two ain't too bad.”

  She nodded. “Well, he'd certainly be proud. I know I should do the same, but I have the bad habit of wandering around on mountains alone without telling anyone.”

  I fired up the snowmobile and handed her some goggles as I donned mine. She wrapped her arms tightly around my waist and we were off, rocketing down the mountain. With the fresh snow covering the ground, it was a good thing I knew this mountain like I knew my own home as the trails were totally obscured.

  As we were reaching the base of the mountain, the sun was peeking over the mountain tops and I slowed to a stop and looked back to her, “Where are you parked, Blake?”

  She leaned in, nudging her head toward the park entrance. “Down at the main gates.”

  I nodded and started us moving again. There was a Land Cruiser covered in snow in an otherwise empty lot so I brought us right up to it. It had only snowed around three inches down here.

  We had ourselves a nice little snowball fight as we cleared her car of snow. Laughing and ducking. Then she got in and started it up and then got back out to lean against the car as it warmed up. She locked her green eyes on my brown eyes. “So, thanks for the hospitality and the ride down, Ro. I really had fun. Sorry for all the drama and my... ummm... other shortcomings.”

  I tried hard not to grin at the nickname... I'd never heard that one before. I think I like it. “No worries. I really enjoy talking with you. It's easy. Like we are old friends.”

  She nodded in agreement and handed me her cell. “Digits.” Then she added a grin, “One day I'll convince you to turn to the dark side. Until then I'll be bugging you for coffee and the like.”

  I took off a glove and keyed in my number as I laughed at her. “Never gonna happen.” Then I handed her phone back. “That will ring my cell and the satellite phone.”

  She squinted an eye and crinkled her nose comically at me as she pressed dial. Moments later the satellite phone in my pack on the sled started ringing. She hung up and laughed. “Just checking to make sure you weren’t giving me a fake number as a brush off to a competitor.”

  I laughed out loud at her twinkling eyes. God they were entrancing... “Even if I did... I'm pretty sure you might know where I work.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “For now.” Then she wiggled her eyebrows. We both laughed at her antics.

  Hmm, I better... I opened my mouth to tell her that I was Silent Bob before we became closer friends and it became more awkward. But I chickened out. I didn't want to cause a conflict now as we were parting ways. I'll tell her later... on the phone. Coward!

  “Well goodbye, Blake. It was a true pleasure meeting you. I'm going to go home and get good and drunk and nurse my broken heart over Jerry. You have a wonderful day.”

  She frowned, I'm sure it was from being reminded of Jerry. She put on a brave smile. “It was great getting to know you too, Ro. See ya later?”

  I nodded and we hugged quickly. Then I watched as she got into her car and drove off in the snow, her Land Cruiser having no problems with it.

  I was in a good mood. I hopped on the snowmobile and put on my goggles and made my way to my place of business the back way through the trees, singing to myself the whole way. I approached the rustic lodge that was home to Silent Bob's Cascade Experience. I love that place. I've worked there since I was twelve and it's been home to me since I was fifteen, and now it is mine.

  Set into the mountainside, the heavy timbers of the log cabin construction and the giant raised porch that wrapped around the entire structure gave it the perfect look for an outdoor outfitters. The lower level below the porch, facing front is the retail area. The offices, great room and a little coffee shop are on the porch level and my living quarters are on the top level. I had to smile when I saw it again, there are nothing but good memories here.

  Vernon Phearson, my big burly handyman, saw me coming and opened the bay door beside the retail space and I pulled right into the shop area with all of our other vehicles. Vernon closed the door and just started unloading the sled without saying a word.

  I exchanged smiles with the furry looking mountain man who looks like he could snap a tree in half with his bare hands. I took off my coat and gloves and retrieved my pack. I'm sure Vernon is in his mid fifties but he looks as old as Remmy with his grizzled gray beard.

  I climbed the stairway in the shop to the second level and popped through to the main office back door. I almost snorted at the look Remmy was giving me as he growled, “Bout damn time you decided to grace us with your presence. I'm going to go get some shuteye now. You owe me a story about what the hell went on up in the mountain with that Reston girl.”

  He stood and grabbed his coat and started for the door. Stopping to give me a quick hug, making sure Ramona, one of our sales people who was grabbing some gear catalogs from the shelves, didn't see. I grinned at him, heaven forbid if anyone ever caught him being nice. “Love you too, Remmy.”

  He just grunted in response as he left to go home... and by home I mean the little old worker's cabin off to the side of the property that he shares with Vernon. He has lived there since the day he started working for my uncle. Minimum wage plus room and board is all that man would ever accept from either of us. My uncle and I both make sure he has full access to all the vehicles, gear and anything else he needs. He's more family than a worker to me.

  Vernon took the second room in the little cabin last year, though he pays heavily discounted rent deducted from his paycheck. And good golly if his Christmas bonus last year wasn't the exact same amount as his rent for the few months he had worked with us. This year's Christmas bonus will be the same. It is my own private conspiracy.

  I found him through Sandra, one of Jane's friends. Well Jane treats her more like a little sister than a friend even though they are the same age. Sandra is adept at finding hard workers who have fallen on hard times, she has to be one of the most genuinely nice people that I know. Jane is extremely protective over her since Sandra is pretty naive and gullible, but has a heart of gold.

  Vernon is retired military who has a bad case of PTSD and was living on the streets in Seattle, even though his son keeps trying to get him to live with him. He can fix anything and is a very hard worker who pitches in wherever it is needed. He doesn't need to speak with anyone except the other workers here... he has a severe aversion to people that he does not know.

  I tried to give Vernon the same lodging deal as Remmy but he, “Won't take no charity, I can work!” I gave him his pride and we came to an accord. Kimi tells me that Vernon's son, Tim, up in Snoqualmie is just as handy as he is.

  I glanced over to the tiny Ramona and gave her a quick smile when she looked over, her flawless chocolate skin and her graceful feminine curves always make me jealous. She returned the smile and said, “Welcome home, boss.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Thanks, and for the twenty seven millionth time Ram, call me Bobbi. I keep looking for Uncle Stu when you call me that.”

  She nodded innocently as she walked out the office door to go back down to the retail area below. “Sure thing, boss. Whatever y
ou say.” I swear I heard the girl laugh at her own teasing. I don't know what possessed me to hire that twenty year old girl, she's damn cute and can get me flustered with a smile and she knows it. Oh... now I remember, she outsells both of my other salesmen two to one and is very close to rivaling my own sales.

  I'm sure I stunk to high heaven, being out two days on the mountain. So I exited the office and walked behind the counter of the coffee shop and snagged a black coffee before walking up the rustic grand staircase to my living quarters. I unlocked the door and walked into the huge apartment.

  I always feel a little odd having almost two thousand square feet all to myself. The huge, with a capital H, main room with it's sunken rustic seating area around a huge freestanding stone fireplace. The two huge bedrooms with walk in closets and private bathrooms. The guest bathroom. Then the giant kitchen/dining room/breakfast nook multi-purpose room. The huge veranda with its breathtaking views of the mountains and Issaquah below has always been my favorite thing about this level of the lodge.

  Once I finished my coffee, I made my way to my bathroom for a long hot bath in my jetted tub. A girl has to spoil herself sometime. I cried for a few minutes over my failed relationship with Jerry. Just another to add to the long string of disappointments. After a while my thoughts drifted to the time I spent with Blake. I caught myself smiling. So I grabbed my iPad off the ledge beside the tub and pulled up the Reston Outfitters web page. Hmmm... she could use a lot of work on this.

  It looked like a templated eCommerce site with virtually no functionality beyond simple sales. There was no way to book guided experiences other than a lame 'contact us' form. She probably paid some cut rate webmaster wannabee way too much for this. I made a mental note to hook her up with the woman we use, she's a wizard online and funnier than hell.