She took a cleansing breath as we reached the bottom of the ridge-line and started picking our way along it, looking behind every rock and outcropping. “She made me go back to school and basically raised me until I was old enough to get a place of my own. You know... my mother never went looking for me. Bobbie became my mother... my big sister. She taught me that the world wasn't this hateful, spiteful place I had always believed it to be. That it is full of beauty and wonder hiding where most people don't even think to look to find it. That beauty is everywhere, you just have to open your eyes, let it in. She brought peace into my mind to replace the all the rage. I can only hope that some day she can be proud of me. That is why she is my hero. That's why I seem to have my strange fascination with heroes. Because, if the others are like her, then this world truly is full of wonder. A place I'm happy to raise my daughter in.”
Then she glanced at me with a hint of sadness swirling in her eyes. “She lost something of herself when Stu died. He was to her, what she is to me. She renamed the place Silent Bob's because the old name hurt too much and she was Stu's 'silent' partner. She's dedicated her life to making everyone's dreams come true... except her own. Bobbi has never been truly happy again unless she's out in the mountains where she says she can speak to Stu, or the other day on the phone when she was talking about you.”
She whispered, “I haven't even told my own wife the entire story.”
I was crying now, and the wind was really kicking up. She looked away as we continued our search. She added softly. “I don't care what you think you know, or what you think she was doing. But if you believe for one second that that woman was using you or laughing at you, then you truly know nothing about her. I'm convinced that Bobbi is pretty much in love with you but scared your straight ass will leave her if she said it.”
I don't think I was breathing anymore. Her words were tumbling around in my head. I'm such a fool.
She stopped suddenly, listening intently, then her eyes scanned the sky. I couldn't hear anything. Then suddenly two small planes, no more than a half mile apart came over a ridge arcing through the sky, moving away from each other. One with red wingtips, one with purple. She pointed up with a huge grin. “Right on cue! I give you heroes! The McKays!”
I couldn't stop my own smile at the awe on her face as she watched them. My God. It seems that every single person that Ro knows is amazing in some way!
Kimi was quickly on the radio switching frequencies. “Kim to the McKays. I have eyes on you, you are directly overhead.”
It was Jane's voice that responded, “Happy to join the party. It is getting rough up here. The winds are knocking us around. Those namby-pamby search and rescue choppers already returned to base. We have a good thirty minutes or so before we'll have to turn back too.”
Kimi nodded to herself. “OK ladies, give us what you can. Don't take any chances. Let Homeplate know your twenty. Kim out.” She pocketed the radio and instructed me to keep mine tuned to Homeplate.
She then gave me a determined nod after looking at the time on her satellite phone. I nodded back. We only had another hour before we needed to turn back ourselves to beat the darkness back to the lodge. If we don't find her now, we'll have to hit the top of the ridges tomorrow.
I sent out a silent prayer to the universe. Ro, if you are out there... we're coming!
We pushed past the hour a little then resigned ourselves to turning back. None of the others had anything to report either. Ramona had reported that the 'official' search parties had turned up nothing in the valley and were going to start expanding the search radius in the morning.
I prepped Roberta's snowmobile when we arrived back where we started on foot. Remmy and Vernon were already gone. I followed Kimi back through the woods as it was starting to get dark, our headlights cutting swaths of illumination through the shadows.
On the ride back to the lodge I couldn't stop thinking about what Kimi had said. I could understand the siren's song that lured her into the open... and Ro taking away her anger. I think she saved me the same way too.
That Vernon guy was standing outside and started opening the bay door as we drove past the base station that was vacated for the night. We drove right into the shop and he quickly closed the door then seemed to disappear. He had to be ex-military or something, that or a ghost.
We joined everyone in the little cafe outside of the main office on the second floor. It was eerie that Silent Bob's was closed like this on a Sunday. From what I have heard, it had never been closed on a day that wasn't a holiday.
I was trying to rein in my emotions as I thought of Ro out there alone. I don't know what I was feeling, there were too many feelings, and emotions chaotically churning to sort out. I accepted the hot coffee that Sandra handed me with a small smile and slight nod. I don't know why I noticed, but she didn't seem to have dark roots, that platinum blonde was really her natural hair color.
I sat at the tables they had pulled together for the group and I looked around. The McKay's were back, then there was Remmy and Vernon, Kimi, Skylar, and their daughter. Sandra, Ramona with a handsome Filipino looking guy she was holding hands with that I assumed was her boyfriend, myself, and some pretty, dark haired woman in combat boots that I didn't know. She looked overly nervous. Kimi, with that hero worship twinkling around in her eyes, was staring at the woman and drawing in a sketchbook.
We sat there eating sandwiches and drinking coffee, everyone started taking turns sharing a personal story about Roberta. I found out that the mystery woman was none other than Mia Jacobs! She was funding all the expenses, gear and food for the volunteers herself.
She stuttered a lot, kept rubbing a tiny white teddy bear between her fingers, and continually straightened thing up on the table with her finger. She spoke of a magical Christmas experience in the mountains that Silent Bob had hosted for her and her wife, Valla, before a cruel disease took her wife from her. But it was one of the most perfect memories they had shared together. She owed Roberta so much for that perfect moment.
Vernon looked flighty but spoke next about how how he was living on the streets, nobody would hire him after the war because of his erratic behavior due to his PTSD. But “lil Dandelion” he pointed at Sandra, introduced him to Silent Bob. Roberta took him in without hesitation to do handyman and groundskeeping work around the property and rented a room out to him in the worker's cabin. She never questioned him nor even said anything about his unusual behavior. She treats him like a man. Though she doesn't think he knows that his Christmas bonus is his rent money she is giving back to him. He'll let her keep her little conspiracy.
All the stories went like that. My amazement over Ro just kept building with each story. Kimi was not exaggerating, Roberta really was everyone's hero. Mine too... I got up and left before it got around to me. I went through the office and down into the vehicle area, trying to sort out my own thoughts and feelings. I can't be feeling what I think I am... what does that make me?
Chapter 10 – Frustration
I looked through the window on the bay door at the thermometer on the outer wall and watched as the temperature dropped into the teens in the darkness beyond. She was out there somewhere. I knew she was. She had to be. In this cold. Alone.
I felt helpless. I just screamed and punched the wall beside me repeatedly, working out my frustration. I finally stopped and took a deep cleansing breath, looking at my bloody knuckles. I almost jumped out of my skin at the voice behind me. “Yeah, I get pissed at that wall all the time myself. It's always just sitting there, holding the roof up, mocking me.”
I turned to see Jane sitting on the bottom step of the stairs. She motioned to the empty spot on the step beside her with a concerned look on her face. “Care to talk about it?”
Did I? I looked at her then at the stair. I took a deep breath then made my decision and walked over to sit down next to her. I stared straight ahead, trying to organize my thoughts, my feelings.
She spoke with humor tinging h
er words, “You know, the talking thing only works if your mouth is moving and words are falling out.”
I shook my head and finally looked at her in challenge. “You're all just talking up there like she is gone. She's out there...” I motioned to the door, “...somewhere. In the cold. Waiting for us. She's not gone! It was starting to feel like a wake up there.”
Her expression looked pained as she replied, “No Blake, you're wrong. We are sharing our love for the woman to keep ourselves strong so that we don't give up. I have no doubt that she is on that mountain, alive. There is nobody stronger, nor better suited to be out there than Bobbi. My God woman, she's Silent Bob! She's the closest thing to a legend we have here in the Cascades. The woman is bigger than life, even Bigfoot doesn't believe she exists.” Her lips quirked in a little smile.
I had to smile a little at that as I ran my thumbs over my knuckles.
Jane's voice took on a more serious tone. “So. Really. What's on your mind?” She grabbed my hand and looked intently at my knuckles for a moment. Then she gave my hand a little squeeze and released it.
I sighed and slumped my shoulders a bit in resignation before I admitted, “I don't know. I'm just... frustrated.” I looked at the ceiling, searching for the answers. “Frustrated that Roberta is missing. Frustrated that it is most likely my fault for going off on her the other night that chased her into the mountains. Frustrated that I can't understand what I am feeling. Frustrated that I want... more... but not understanding it. Frustrated that I'm a bigot... but I so desperately want to change. Mostly, frustrated that I am so angry that she lied to me... It makes me feel like a terrible person feeling like that when she's missing in the damn mountains!”
She was just watching me as I spoke, taking in everything that I was venting. Why isn't she saying anything? Frustrating! Well... I guess I haven't asked anything. I realized that she is just letting me use her as a sounding board to work things out. I have to get my mind off it. “What about you? I didn't hear your story Jane. Ro speaks so fondly of you.”
She smiled in memory for a moment then said softly, “Bobbi was my 'almost'. I was pretty heavy into the party scene a few years back. I was all about the dancing, clubbing, one night hookups. I was young, I didn't need attachments. If I wasn't flying, I was at the bars.”
She frowned a little before she continued, it was obvious to me that she was not happy with how her life used to be. “I was at the Ballyhoo one night, out on the dance floor when I saw someone hassling Sandra. You know, that girl has a way of bringing out the protective side of me. Our families have been friends for a long time, and she moved to Seattle when I did. She's more like my sister than anything. She's one of the sweetest people I know.”
She glanced up the stairs fondly, then back to me. “Well there I was, getting my mad on, stalking through the crowd to knock some heads when this black haired girl a little older than me stepped in and diffused the situation with ease. She got the troublemaker to leave and she sat down with Sandra.”
The corner of her mouth twitched in a smile that reached her eyes, I could tell it was a treasured memory. “Most people treat Sandra like she's stupid. She's really not. She's just a little naive and easy to take advantage of. She has a different kind of smarts than other people. Believe me, that blonde girl can surprise the hell out of you at times. But when I arrived at the table, this dark haired girl was already into a deep conversation with Sandra. She was treating her like anyone else. Then let San know that she had to be more careful about who she hooked up with there.”
Then Jane's smile bloomed across her face. “Sandra saw me standing there and squealed and jumped up to hug me. Then this other girl turned around to watch and it was like the air was sucked out of my lungs. You ever have one of those moments when your heart stops beating and you think, 'My God this woman is beautiful!'? That was mine. It's only happened one other time in my life.” She turned her head back and looked lovingly up the stairs. I could see a blush spreading on her face. There was no doubt in my mind after seeing that look, that she was one hundred percent head over heels in love with her wife upstairs.
She turned back at me with a crooked grin on her face. “That's when Sandra introduced Bobbi to me. We seriously couldn't keep our eyes off of each other. We talked all night, we closed the place down then went to my place and talked some more. She was so easy to talk to, it was like I had known her my entire life. I told her things I hadn't ever told my closest friends. We were still talking when the sun was coming up. She had to go. Had to open up this little outdoor outfitters shop that she worked at.”
Jane looked contemplative as she continued, staring at the bay door. “She left and I couldn't help but marvel at the night's events and this wonderful person that actually listened to my inner thoughts. That was the moment that I questioned everything about my own lifestyle. I had just spent the night with a girl, not for a quick hookup or the thrill. I had shared parts of me with a person that I had never dared to share with anyone else. We didn't have sex or even a single kiss... yet to me, it was the most intimate night of my entire life.”
She grinned and looked at me again. “We were inseparable after that and dated for over a year. If we weren't in the mountains, we were in the air, flying. I loved her in a way I had never loved anyone before. But I was a little younger, and stupid, and not realizing that I was IN love. She started getting serious about our relationship and it... I don't know... scared me? I was so close to marrying her... I almost did. But I thought I wasn't ready to settle down. Part of me still wanted the freedom... to party. So I ran.”
She now had tears forming in her sad eyes. “It wasn't until later. After I matured a little that I realized what I had thrown away and what she had really meant to me. And even though I had hurt her with my rejection, my outright stupidity, she still kept me around. She says that our friendship shouldn't suffer just because our relationship didn't work out. I owe that woman so much, she is my best friend besides Crystal.”
Then she wiped her eyes and glanced at me and smiled. “If it weren't for her maturing me and teaching me that it is actually OK to love, I would never have found the one person that I truly can't live without... my Cryster.”
She took a deep cleansing breath and calmed herself then locked her eyes on mine with startling intensity. “So Blake. Tell me why Bobbi is causing you so much frustration. What is it that has you so conflicted. So... off?”
I looked down at my boots then back over to her. I thought about it for a minute, the answer was simple and obvious to me, and I decided to share. It would only be fair after she had shared her deeply personal experiences. I spoke softly, staring at my hands. “She took away the rage.”
I stopped there. I didn't know how to continue. Finally it all just started rushing out, like the floodgates were opened. “She's become my best friend Jane. M-more if I am to be truly honest with myself. She brought back the balance I had before my life went to hell. I had a good life. I was living a true fairytale. Everything was going great and I was always happy back then. I had a good job as a climbing instructor, a great boyfriend, mountains to climb, trails to hike, what more could a girl ask for? But... It took less than one second for all that to be taken away from me. For the darkness to consume me, for the anger to take root.”
I looked at my knuckles again as I continued. “I was doing some free climbing with my fiance. It was a spectacular day. I was bumping up when the bidoigt gave way in the middle of my move. I took a fall twenty five feet to the deck. I can pinpoint that as the exact moment the darkness entered me. I wasn't scared for some reason as I fell, I was angry, so angry. I hit the ground hard and my leg twisted under me and my knee separated.”
I looked at her through the tears gathering in my eyes. “The anger never left, Jane. I was mad at everything. Physical therapy made me angry. My doctors made me angry. My recovery was slow and my fiance dumped me because it was all 'too hard' for him. What the hell? For him? That made me angry. I couldn't
physically perform my job and they let me go before I could recover. That made me furious.”
I took a deep breath and continued as I looked at her, hoping she understood. “Once I recovered... well I still had to wear this damn thing...” I slapped my brace then continued. “...I decided I had to build a new life now that my old one was destroyed. I had to hide the anger. I used hiking as my outlet to burn off the negative energy. That's when it hit me. The outdoors. I cashed in all my savings, insurance money, and 401k to set up a little outdoor outfitter shop in Snoqualmie Falls. But that came crashing down around me when most of the suppliers wouldn't touch me. There was this guy, Silent Bob, that apparently had a stranglehold on the area. The anger seethed in me. I could feel it there, boiling just below the surface.”
I chuckled a humorless laugh. “I actually welcomed that you know. This Bob guy gave me an outlet for all the darkness. I could direct all my rage at him. I found he had the I90 corridor and most of Seattle in his pocket. Everyone spoke about him like he was a God damn legend. I took that as a challenge and moved my shop over to Monroe. I'd carve out a space in the Highway 2 corridor on the fringe of his empire and push back.”
I nodded to myself slyly then looked up at her with a grin. “It worked. I got a toe hold. I had to fight tooth and nail to slowly expand. I got distributors to sell to me. I went into 'enemy territory' to scout out Silent Bob's shop and offerings. The bastard certainly knew what he was doing. He was not relying on gear sales alone, he was doing mountain guide work, and was ingenious with the creation of a 'mountain experience' and tour aspect of his business. I took it as a challenge, if he could do it, so could I.”
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