I bent down to pick it up; it looked too clean to have been in here for long. That fact made me uneasy, but I couldn’t explain why. Cam was watching me. “What is that?”
“I don’t know.” I flipped the paper over and froze when I saw that handwriting. I had only seen it once before, but I knew it well enough.
You shouldn’t sleep on roofs like that; you never know what could happen.
I felt my heart stop. What was this? A warning? Or was he just saying “I see you”? What was he doing? I had too many questions and no answers. I just tried not to freak out as much as I did yesterday.
Cam took the paper from me and read it. She crumbled it up into a ball and held it in her shaking fist. I could tell by the look in her eye that she wasn’t scared. She was pissed. “We’ll get him,” she said, her voice low.
I nodded. “Yeah.” I took a few deep breaths. I couldn’t keep letting these things get to me; I needed to focus on the problem at hand. Regan and this guy’s little “game” with me wasn’t the issue. I had to find him and kill him—that was all. “I guess we should get started.”
I taught her the basics, the things I had learned when I was younger: breathing techniques and meditation and a few other things. She had a hard time at first, as I expected. She wasn’t one for being calm and just sitting there. She’d fidget and get angry when something didn’t go right, and I could tell she was always thinking about something else. She had lived her entire life in this city, crazy, busy, dangerous, and always moving, sitting down and simply being wasn’t something she understood.
After about three hours of this I suggested we go have lunch, which she seemed to think was a brilliant plan.
I noticed the piece of paper she had shoved into one of her pockets earlier had made its way back into her hand. “Cam, you should get rid of it. It doesn’t help to hold on to it like that.” I wondered if that was what kept her from focusing earlier.
She stopped. She didn’t look at me, instead gazing straight ahead. Her jaw was clenched, and her knuckles were white. “It gives me a reminder of what I need to do.”
I was confused; she didn’t need to do anything. “What do you mean? What do you need to do?”
She finally looked over at me. “I need to keep you safe.”
What was it with everyone and keeping me safe? I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I didn’t say anything, though. I only looked at Cam. She really cared. I wondered how many people she had cared about before me. Probably not many. She didn’t seem like the type to open up to people.
She started to turn away, and I don’t know what took hold of me, but I grabbed her arm so she’d stop. She slowly turned back to me, her light blue eyes filled with… longing? Was that the word? I don’t know.
Everything that had happened in the last few days washed over me. It was like standing under a waterfall, and Cam was there. She was always there for me. Maybe that’s why I did it. Maybe that’s why I leaned into her and let my fingers tangle themselves in the hair at the base of her neck to bring her lips down to mine.
They were soft, softer than I expected, just like the rest of her. She acted tough, but she was like everyone else on the inside. She cared about people; she really did. She cared about me, which was why I was surprised when she pulled away after a few moments.
“Casey, trust me, there is nothing more in the world I’d rather do than kiss you, but we can’t.” She wasn’t looking at me, and she had taken a few steps away.
I was hurt once again, only this time by Cam. Maybe I was wrong, maybe Cam didn’t care about me as much as I thought she did. “Why not?”
She sighed and cast a glance my way. “There are a hundred reasons. You should be focusing on the necromancer, you’ve got a lot going on right now, and you’ll regret this tonight when you realize what you did. You don’t want me. You want someone like me to be there for you.” She looked away again and said, “Regan. You guys are going through something, but last night you wanted her, not me. You don’t really want me, Casey, as much as I wish you did. Maybe one day you will, and I’ll be there for you then too, and I’ll be there for you even if you never want me. I’m not going anywhere. And Regan is there for you too, and you want her more than you want me right now. I won’t get in the way of that. Come on, let’s have lunch, and then you should go back and talk to Regan.”
I was wrong. I had been wrong the whole time. Cam cared more about me than I realized.
Chapter 9
I OPENED my eyes and instantly regretted it. It was bright in here. No, that’s wasn’t it. It was that I wasn’t prepared for how bright it was. I was standing with my back to a wall in a white room. My head hurt, much like the time I met one of the Old Ones. I looked around, expecting to see the old man, and instead I saw a man in a tight black shirt and dark jeans. He had this huge, twisted, dark smile and bright green eyes.
“I feel like we know each other so well, when really you know nothing about me, and I know so much about you. You don’t even know my name. Oh, but I know you. I watch you. Regan, Cam, Regan, Cam, Regan, Cam? Goddammit will you make up your mind?” He closed his eyes and took a breath. He laughed coldly and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I apologize, Casey. It’s one of the side effects of the Clerstan. The power that it gives me is well worth the occasional fit of rage.”
Where was I? Who was this? What was going on? How did I get here? The last thing I remembered was going to lunch with Cam. “What is happening?” My head was spinning, and I felt nauseous.
He hit his forehead with the palm of his hand. “Sorry, I forgot! This—” He vanished for about half a second before reappearing right in front of me. His fingers wrapped around my neck, and he lifted me off my feet and slammed me into the wall. Everything happened so fast, I couldn’t even register it for a few seconds. I clawed at his fingers, but they only grew tighter. He leaned forward, and I could smell the peppermint on his breath, and then I felt warm puffs of air on my ear. “—is all a dream. This isn’t even my real face.” He let go of me, and I fell to my knees. I gasped for breath as he said, “Amazing how real it seems, isn’t it? How far could you Dreamscape in the Temple? Not far, right?” He pulled his hand away, and I crumpled to the floor, gasping for air.
He was right. It was hard enough to appear in the dream, but to do this, to change it and create it and to hurt someone in the dream, it was nearly impossible. I had only heard of one person, an Elder, accomplishing something like this, and it had only been for a very limited time.
“What did you do?” I choked out.
“Clerstan. It is a powder I created. You mix it in with water, drink it, and your powers are instantly amplified. It works for now, but I need a more permanent solution.” He was pacing now, his hands clasped behind his back. “I need to find what the dark elves did. I need something that I don’t have to keep going.” He was getting frustrated, but then he smiled his horrible smile. “I’m getting close, though. I can almost taste it. It will be soon, Casey. And then where will your hopes lie? How can you hope to defeat one as powerful as the ancient dark elves?” He turned to me and knelt down so we were eye to eye. “I could make your life hell. I could give you dreams of your two friends dying or betraying you, your dog getting killed while he defends you, your pet dark elf killing your friend Martun, your grandfather dying. So much. It would be so real. I could torture you every night. Lucky for you, I have better things to do.” His eyes took on an evil glint. “I could tell you if you like.” I didn’t say anything, so he continued. “Demons.”
Demons. They were just legends, weren’t they? Myths to scare children. “Demons don’t exist,” I said firmly.
“Really?” He laughed once again, and I cringed. “Casey, Casey, they are more real than you know. They’re helping me with my research. They’re the ones that teach me everything I need to know. They are my power!”
“What are you?”
“A friend of course. Isn’t that what we are? Playmates? I kn
ow you so well. I should at least be considered a friend. Here, as a token of our friendship and an interesting development in our game, I’ll give you this.” He held his hand up in front of me, a tiny packet of white powder. “It’s one dose of Clerstan. It works for about six hours. Don’t worry, you won’t have any serious side effects, and you won’t crave any more afterwards. Use it or don’t. I have no reason to lie to you.” He pressed the little bag into my hand and looked up at the ceiling. He smiled and said, “Someone is calling your name. We’ll see each other again, Casey, don’t worry.”
I would have sat up, but something was holding me down.
I was gasping for air, and it was too dark for me to see anything yet. I was having trouble breathing, and my head felt like it was on fire.
“Casey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Regan. She sounded terrified. What was going on?
I finally stopped struggling under her, and I felt my ability to breathe come back. “Regan?” My head was spinning, but I would know those eyes anywhere. Green with a brown circle around the pupil.
“I’m here,” she whispered. She leaned over me, holding herself a few inches away from me.
“Am I dreaming?” My stomach flipped at the idea that this could be my friend’s sick idea of a game. Would she die now? What would happen next? I closed my eyes tightly. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to know.
“You’re not dreaming anymore. I woke you up. It’s over. It’s all over.” Her voice was so soothing. It washed over me, and I couldn’t help but want to believe her, but I wasn’t quite sold yet.
“How do I know?” I whimpered quietly. “How do I know you won’t die or leave me?”
I heard her chuckle quietly, and she brushed some hair out of my face before saying, “I’m not going to leave you, and I think we’re safe for a bit.”
I couldn’t help it; I let out a choked sob and wrapped my arms around her to pull her against me. “Don’t go,” I whispered.
“Never,” she whispered back into my ear.
I could feel hot tears sliding down my cheeks and after a moment Regan pulled back to look at me. She frowned and used her thumb to wipe away a few. She just looked at me for a while after that, and then she sighed and started to pull away.
“Where are you going?” I sat up so that we were both sitting on the bed.
“I didn’t think you’d want me here.” I had gone to bed without saying anything to her, and I’d slept with Cinder in my bed, who had since moved to the floor and was now snoring softly.
“Stay.” I whispered the word so quietly that even I could barely hear.
She leaned forward a little bit, and I thought I could feel her breathing. “I can’t hear you when you’re that quiet.”
“I want you to stay.” I still couldn’t say that at a normal tone, but a whisper was better than nothing.
“I thought you were mad at me.”
I just bit my lip and looked down at my lap and shook my head. “Not anymore.” I don’t know when I stopped being mad, but I did. Maybe it was when I woke up, and she was there to be with me. Maybe what Cam said made sense.
“Why were you mad?” I didn’t say anything; I didn’t even look at her until she lifted my chin up to meet her eyes. “Tell me?”
“It’s nothing.” I pulled away from her and looked back down at hands which were tying themselves in knots.
“It’s obviously something.”
I sighed; she wasn’t going to let this go. I looked up at her and closed my eyes. I made sure to say everything quickly so I didn’t have time to chicken out. “I was kind of drunk for the first time and I decided I kind of wanted to kiss you… and then I came up here and you were with Meghan and I was drunk, so I kind of overreacted.”
She didn’t say anything; she just sat there with me. I eventually opened my eyes and looked away. “So… I’m going to bed… you can sleep wherever you want. It’s no big deal really. So, um… good night I guess.”
I was getting ready to lie back down, but Regan’s hand on the back of my neck stopped me. She brought my lips to hers. I was nervous, and I think Regan noticed that because she moved her hand from my neck and placed her palms on my cheeks, pulling me more into the kiss. I melted into it, and I shivered when her tongue slid along my bottom lip.
I parted my lips without even thinking about it, and soon her tongue slid against my own. She pulled me onto her lap, and I wrapped my arms around her neck and let my fingers tangle themselves in her hair. I finally pulled away to breathe, and she took the chance to trail kisses from my jaw down to my collarbone.
I tilted my neck to give her more access and moaned involuntarily when she found a particular spot. She must have noticed because I felt her teeth drag along that spot, causing me to inhale sharply and her to let out a throaty chuckle before I felt suction on my neck. I moaned again and tightened my grip on her hair.
She pulled away and grinned wickedly as she looked at my neck, probably admiring her work, and then kissed me again. She pulled at my bottom lip, and her hands traveled up the back of my shirt and stopped at the small of my back.
She was in the process of laying me back down when I finally put my hands on her chest and pushed back. It didn’t seem to matter how many breaths I took. I couldn’t calm myself down enough. I felt dizzy, and all I wanted was to keep going, but I couldn’t. I had too much on my plate.
“What’s wrong?” She looked like she was caught between being worried and slightly hurt.
I dropped my head back onto the pillow, my hand still holding her back. “Not now. I really can’t do this now.”
“Is it Cam?” she asked quietly.
God I wished it was that easy. “No.” Maybe she was part of it, but it wasn’t her that stopped me just now. “No, it’s this. My Proving. The necromancer. He keeps… getting to me.”
“What did he do?” She wasn’t worried or hurt anymore; she was pissed.
“He left a note where I stayed last night, said it was dangerous to sleep there. And… that dream you just woke me up from.”
“He was in your dream?” She moved away and instead lay down next to me.
I nodded. “He was Dreamscaping. He came into my dream. Told me we were friends, that he had a temporary solution to his power as a necromancer, but he’s looking for a permanent one. He said he’s being helped by demons,” I whispered.
“We’ll get him.” Her voice was strong and steady. She was so sure. It was comforting. I needed someone to be sure for me. She had been my rock ever since I walked out of the Temple.
“Yeah,” I said quietly.
We didn’t talk for a while, and then I felt her fingers trail down my neck, making me shiver once again. “Sorry about that,” she murmured as her index finger stopped at that spot.
“About what?” I had been in such a… lust-filled haze at the time that I couldn’t remember most of what happened, just how it felt.
“The hickey.” She didn’t seem like she really cared. If anything she seemed slightly proud of herself.
“What the hell?” I shot up and slapped my hand to my neck.
She smirked and sat up with me and moved my hand away so she could run her thumb over it. “You can barely tell.”
“You’re lying,” I mumbled darkly.
“You’re right. I like it, though. You look good with it.”
“You’re biased. Jeez… what’s Cam going to say?”
“That she should stop flirting with you.” Regan wasn’t taking this very seriously.
“Jealous?”
“Very.” She didn’t even try to hide it. The idea of Regan being jealous of Cam made me want to smile, but I held it in.
“She’s actually jealous of you,” I told her.
“If she wasn’t before, she will be now.” Regan was quiet for a while; she seemed to be content with just letting her fingers trail along my skin, and I felt goose bumps rise wherever they went. It felt like I was on fire when she touched me. I wanted to beg fo
r more, but I knew I shouldn’t. I didn’t need to, though, Regan had it covered. “Don’t make us go back. Please,” she whispered quietly.
“Regan… there’s so much I need to do… I can’t worry and focus about… about a relationship right now.” I hated saying it, and I hoped Regan could tell I didn’t want to, but I needed to.
“Casey, I can’t go back. I can’t just… pretend that never happened. If you didn’t want it, then that would be one thing, but you do want it. You want me. I can’t go back knowing that.” Her voice got even quieter when she whispered, “Don’t make me go through that, Casey. Please.”
“What do you want me to do? I can’t… I can’t go on dates and fall in love and cuddle while we watch movies. I just can’t right now. I have to save the damn world! I have to train Cam! I have to find this guy! I can’t… I can’t do that with you.” I wanted to. The idea of Regan and I suddenly sounded like one of the best things I could imagine. When did I start wanting this? I couldn’t remember a real moment where I wanted her but could remember the first time I saw those eyes. After I started falling unconscious when I started my Proving and she caught me. I could remember the morning I woke up in her arms. I could remember a lot about her, and all I wanted was more of it.
She ran a hand through her hair and seemed like she was deep in thought for a long time. “Okay. Well… no commitment. No jealousy, no dating, no falling in love. Just give me a little bit sometimes. I can’t go back to how it was, but I guess I could live with you being mine for a few hours here and there, even if you can’t really be mine.” I don’t think she was okay with it. I don’t think she was happy at all with the idea, but she was happier with it than she was with how things were.
I despised the idea. But I couldn’t be in a relationship. I couldn’t think about her all the time. I couldn’t go out and forget the huge problem I had. I couldn’t do anything that couples did, except for the very few times in the middle of the night when Regan and I were together, without having the world going against us.
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