The T started to slow and I grabbed my things, standing up and stepping outside once the doors had opened at my stop. I made my way onto the crowded street and looked at the time. He’d only be at the station for another half an hour and if I wanted to catch him, I’d have to walk faster, even though my pounding heart was begging me not to. My nerves were trying to take over, but I couldn’t let them and I picked up my pace.
It wasn’t much longer until I turned onto Paris Street and saw the sign for the East Boston Police. I took a deep breath before descending down the steps and opening the heavy maroon doors, stepping inside.
I expected it to be busier, the way it was in the TV shows. It didn’t seem like that at all, but I still walked nervously to the front desk. An officer looked up at me. She was tall and tough looking with her dark hair tied back into a tight bun.
“Can I help you?” she asked, her voice not in the reassuring tone I’d hoped for. Instead, she had the thick heavy accent the city was known for and it did nothing to make me feel better.
“I was wondering if Officer Torres might be available,” I began and she looked at me with a slight raise of her eyebrow. “He…he was working a case I was involved in.” What I’d said was truthful, even though the case was no longer active. She didn’t seem suspicious though.
“What’s your name?”
“Samantha Everly,” I answered and she motioned with her finger that she’d check.
I waited anxiously for her to return as I looked around the precinct. The officers all looked engaged with their work and their faces were chiseled into firm lines instead of friendly smiles that would make me feel better. I knew my level of comfort in the station was the last thing on their mind, especially working in a city like Boston.
“He’ll be up soon. You can take a seat if you’d like to wait,” the officer said when she returned.
“Thanks,” I said as I found a seat along the wall.
I folded my hands in my lap and my foot tapped subconsciously, something that always happened when I was nervous. My mind was racing along with my heart knowing he would be here any moment, still trying to figure out what I would say. I didn’t get a chance to figure it out though because when I looked up, I saw him walking towards me.
It was impossible not to notice him, looking tall and intimidating in his uniform. Even from a distance, I could see he was tired. He had to have been and I felt guilty knowing I was the reason for that. His gait slowed as he got closer. I could tell he was anxious. After last night, he didn’t know what I was capable of.
“Sam,” he said quietly when he stopped just in front of me. “What’re you doing here?”
I looked up, meeting his dark eyes, so kind and caring, which only made the guilt I felt even worse. I didn’t answer right away. I couldn’t find my voice and a moment later, he sat down next to me. I suddenly felt calmer, having him so close and when I turned to look at him, the words finally came. Two simple words, but the only words that made sense to me.
“Thank you,” I said softly and I watched as his eyebrow raised slightly, obviously unsure why I’d said what I said. “Rachel told me what you did last night. How you stayed outside the apartment to make sure I was safe. You didn’t have to do that, but you did,” I said, pausing a moment because I was choking up. “And I wanted to tell you thank you, but not just for that, but for everything you’ve done since you came into my life. I don’t know why you do the things you do, but you do and I’m sorry for the way I treated you last night…for pushing you away and yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that. I was scared and embarrassed and confused, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Every day you’re proving to me more and more that you’re probably the most incredible guy I’ve ever met and I keep pushing you away.” My voice started to fade and I found myself cautiously reaching for his hand, resting mine over his. His eyes drifted down to our hands and then he looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said again and I felt his fingers thread with mine.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”
“Yes, I do, so please just let me say I’m sorry because I am,” I said and he nodded slightly giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Okay,” he said, a little smile spreading on his face.
“Do you think we can we move past this?”
“I already have,” he said, which didn’t surprise me. I’d already decided he had the kindest heart of anyone I’d ever met.
“When do you get off?”
“I can leave now. I just finished up all my reports.”
“Want to get something to eat?” I asked.
“I’d love to. Let me get my stuff and I’ll meet you back here in a second.”
I nodded and he smiled at me again before letting go of my hand and standing up. I watched as he walked away, breathing out the sigh of relief I’d been holding the whole time I’d been rambling. He’d forgiven me though. Once again, he saw past my faults and he was still around.
It didn’t take him long to return. He’d put on his winter uniform jacket and a black messenger bag was slung over his shoulder. I stood up as he walked towards me.
“Ready?” I asked him and he nodded, placing his hand on the small of my back and leading me towards the main entrance to the precinct. When we stepped outside, the air was cold for November. I was surprised when I felt his hand slide in mine and we walked in silence for the first few moments.
“I was thinking,” he finally began, “there’s a great Thai restaurant by my apartment. We could order some takeout and head to my place and watch some TV or something.”
I turned to look at him and could see the apprehension on his face. I’d never been to his place and I knew he was nervous to ask me. I liked the idea though. It would be some place quiet and safe, away from a big crowd.
“That sounds good,” I said and he seemed to relax.
“My place is only a five-minute walk from here,” he told me as we continued down the street.
It wasn’t long before he was holding the door open to the restaurant. I let Gabe order. I hadn’t eaten much Thai food in my life and I trusted him to pick out something I would like. The food came out quickly and we were back on the streets, finishing the walk to his apartment.
When he stopped in front of a red brick building, I knew we’d arrived. It was an old building, just like everything else in Boston and we made our way up the stairs and inside the building. We climbed another flight of stairs and then to the end of the hallway. He opened the door and I followed him inside.
I heard the TV on the moment we stepped in and I saw Trey sitting on the couch, in his uniform, finishing up his dinner. He turned to look at us and I could tell he was surprised to see me standing beside Gabe.
“Sam, hey,” he said, standing up and wiping his hands on his pants before coming over and extending his hand to me. “It’s good to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you too, Trey,” I said and he flashed me the same friendly smile I’d seen the other times we’d spoken.
“Heading out?” Gabe asked, setting the bag of takeout on the counter.
“Yeah,” Trey answered as he went into the kitchen to put his plate in the dishwasher. “Second shift sucks.” Trey laughed a little and then turned to me again. “I’ll see you around, Sam,” he said and then nodded at Gabe before grabbing his keys and wallet and heading out.
“Do you guys work opposite shifts a lot?” I asked once we were alone.
“We try. That way we have the place to ourselves more,” he told me and started unpacking the food. He pulled down some plates and then looked at me. “Mind if I go change real quick?”
“Go ahead,” I told him and he disappeared down the hall. Now that I was alone, I found my eyes wandering around the apartment. Decorating had been left to a minimum, which didn’t surprise me. It wasn’t as if I expected an apartment shared by two male cops to focus much on the interior design. The living room had a black leather couch and recliner al
ong with a large TV mounted on the wall. The kitchen we were standing in was small, but again, I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t think Gabe or Trey spent much time cooking.
My visual tour was put to an end when he was back a couple of minutes later, this time in a pair of loose jeans and gray t-shirt. He looked so different than just a few minutes before in his uniform. In his uniform, he looked almost larger than life, but now, he was just a regular guy, an extremely handsome guy at that, but still so different than when he was playing his role as cop.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he asked.
“Water’s fine,” I answered and he reached into the fridge for two bottles.
We each started dishing up and then took our plates into the living room, sitting on the couch and setting our plates on the coffee table. Our eyes were drawn to the Patriots game Trey had left on the TV and we ate quietly for a few minutes.
“This is really good,” I told him and he looked over, smiling at me.
“I’m glad you like it,” he answered and I smiled back, the awkwardness fading almost as if last night had never happened, but when he looked away, I knew there was still so much more I had to say to him. He deserved better. He deserved to know.
~~~
I think we both wanted to forget about the night before. We needed it and I think we did a good job of it as we watched the football game. I was overly aware of Gabe beside me though. It felt like there had been a heavy cloud over me and I wanted it gone. I didn’t want anymore secrets between us. Gabe needed to know and I wasn’t going to wait.
“Why did you stay outside my apartment last night?” I asked him during a commercial break.
“Because I was afraid for you, Sam. I was afraid he’d come back,” he answered. “I wasn’t going to let him hurt you.”
I saw his eyes drifting slowly to my exposed arms. I knew what he was looking at: the faded purple bruises from where Tyler had grabbed me at the pub. I wondered if some of it was from where he’d grabbed me last night too.
“I know you’re afraid of him. I saw it in your eyes in the hospital when Rachel was telling me about him and I saw it last night. You looked terrified.” His voice was soft and gentle. I knew he was proceeding with caution around me and I didn’t blame him, not after what had happened the night before.
“Tyler put his hands on me for the first time on our third date,” I began out of nowhere, my voice soft and shaking. I watched his back stiffen and then he reached for the remote, turning off the TV and facing me. I was grateful for the quiet. I needed to focus if I was going to tell him everything I planned to.
He turned to face me and I could tell he was afraid to say anything, almost like if he did, it would startle me and I wouldn’t speak anymore.
“We’d gone to a club and he was drunk. He thought I was flirting with this guy,” I began, closing my eyes as I thought back to that night. “He dragged me outside and threw me against the wall. Called me a slut and said he wouldn’t tolerate it. When he let me go, we went back inside. I snuck out once he was busy and went home. He showed up the next day with flowers and apologies and all the right words. He promised it would never happen again. I believed him. I believed he would change, but he didn’t.” I paused for a moment, wishing I could go back in time and change my life. “It only got worse though. He’d do something and I always took him back. I told myself I was lucky someone like him would love someone like me. I told myself it wouldn’t always be like that. He was so good at making me believe he was sorry and that he wanted to change.” I felt my lip trembling, but I told myself to hold it together. I think Gabe could see I was on the verge of breaking down and he came closer to me, cautiously taking my hand in his, waiting for me to go on. “He hasn’t changed though. He’ll never change. You saw that though.” I paused as I took in a breath. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
My heart was beating fast in my chest as I looked up and met his eyes. I was afraid to see his expression, to see what he really thought of me now that he knew most of the secrets I’d been keeping. The corners of his mouth dipped into a slight frown and I could see the sadness on his face. His eyes traveled slowly over my face and then I felt his fingertips grazing my cheek, so gentle.
“I’m sorry you had to live like that.” His voice was soft and cautious as he brushed a piece of loose hair behind my ear. “No one should ever live like that. No man should ever treat a woman the way he treated you.”
I didn’t know how to respond to him. I knew what he said was true. I’d always known that and yet I’d continue to allow it. It was my fault because I’d allowed it.
“I know,” I whispered. “I should’ve left him a long time ago…after the first time it happened. I should’ve been stronger.”
My gaze tried lowering. I couldn’t continue to look at him. Not Gabe. Not sweet, perfect Gabe. I was sad and ashamed of what I’d become. He wouldn’t let me look away though because I felt his finger hook under my chin, forcing me to look at him.
“This isn’t your fault. None of it.”
“There’s no one to blame but myself. It’s my life. I let him in my life. I let him do this to me.”
My voice cracked and Gabe’s hand fell back in his lap. I saw his eyes focus on the marks on my arm and then his fingers ran over them slowly before looking back at me.
“It’s not that simple, Sam,” he began gently. “You know it’s not. You left him before he could do anything else to you.”
I could see his worry. I could see how he cared for me, but he still didn’t know everything. No one did. I took in a deep breath as I tried to calm myself, but I could feel the tears burning the backs of my eyes again and a knot had formed in my throat as my mind drifted back to that night…that night at the frat house.
“What is it?” Gabe asked softly, breaking through my thoughts and when I looked up at him again, I could feel my voice was caught in my throat. I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell someone. I’d kept it hidden away and I didn’t realize how much it had been eating away at me until I opened up to him. “You can talk to me.” His kindness caused my heart to ache and when I blinked, the tears fell again. I knew I could talk to him. I’d felt safe with Gabe from the moment I’d woken up in his arms.
“The night before I fell…the night before you found me…” I began quietly, trying to find the strength to tell him. “Tyler…he…he…” I took another breath, preparing myself to say the words out loud to someone other than Tyler for the first time. “He raped me. He got angry. He dragged me to his room. I told him no.” My voice was so low I was afraid Gabe hadn’t heard me, but then I saw the expression on his face and I knew he had. It was like he’d been punched in the gut. His face was a mixture of disgust and sorrow and anger all in one. “Tyler Reeves raped me,” I said again, more loudly this time and while it gave me a strange sense of strength and empowerment to say it, it also opened the floodgates to the emotions I’d kept pent up for so long. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed until the point I felt my body shaking.
But then I felt Gabe’s arms around me and he’d pulled me close. He didn’t say anything as he held me and I was glad for that because I didn’t need words. I just needed him to hold me. And that’s what he did. He held me until I had nothing left and he continued to hold me as I calmed myself, taking long, deep breaths until I was finally quiet and still in his arms.
Slowly, I sat up and I noticed the puddle I’d left on his shirt. I was suddenly embarrassed and I had to fight the urge to grab my things and leave, never seeing Gabe again since he knew everything about me now. I think he could sense my fear because I felt his hand rest gently on mine, telling me to stay without any words.
“I’m sorry,” I said finally.
“Don’t apologize.” His voice was firm and he looked at me fiercely. “Don’t you ever apologize for what he did to you.”
“My whole life though it’s been this way. Growing up it was basically just Rachel and me. Rachel’s dad died when she was a baby an
d my dad…well, I don’t even remember him at all. My mom said he was a truck driver or something. He was married and had another family. He didn’t stick around long. And then my mom found Tim,” I said, my voice catching as I said it. “After that, he was all that mattered. Rachel and I would sit in our room at night, huddled together because he was beating the crap out of her. We’d hear her crying. I’d hear it when his fist made contact. I’d hear her scream, begging him to stop.”
“Did he hurt you too?” Gabe asked gently and I wiped a tear away.
“Sometimes, but only when he was really drunk. I think my mom took the hits for us.”
Gabe swallowed hard and he looked away for a moment. When he looked back at me, I suddenly regretted everything I’d told him…that I’d let him in and told him my secrets.
“I’m sorry. You didn’t need to hear that…to hear my sob story. I can deal with it. I can keep going because that’s what I’ve been doing.”
“Thank you for telling me…for trusting me. What you just did…it takes courage.”
“I don’t feel very courageous,” I said softly.
“You are though, Sam. From the moment I met you, I knew you were strong. Every day I know you just proves that to me more and more and knowing how much you’ve been hurt in your life…” he said, but I interrupted him.
“I understand if this is too much baggage. I’d be afraid of me too.” My voice cracked and he reached up, wiping the tears away.
“If you think what you just told me is going to push me away from you, you’re wrong. I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.”
Because of You Page 14