So what we have left for nightlife at WDW are the Atlantic Dance Club and Jellyrolls, both located at The Boardwalk. I have never seen anybody in the Atlantic Dance Club. The place seems perpetually dead, even with no cover charge. Which, on a good night might actually work to your advantage since there would be less competition from other potential suitors. But it’s hard to have fun in a dead club, because you just know that other people are having a better time than you are somewhere else. And Jellyrolls is great fun, but from experience it’s not exactly a haven for singles.
At 9PM on Friday, Atlantic Dance Hall is completely empty
However, there is a ray of light at the end of the tunnel! Thanks to the Annual Pass, many locals come to Epcot’s World Showcase on the weekends looking for a good time, much as you would at a local pub. This is especially prevalent during the Food and Wine Festival, where Epcot is literally overrun by locals getting their drink on. On the weekends it can get seriously sloppy here, and there are definitely some non-kid-friendly activities at hand. But again, think of this like a really huge bar, except with monster themeing (and much more expensive drinks), and it becomes pretty apparent that this is a good time and place to work your pickup artist magic.
Crowded World Showcase during Food & Wine Festival
Organized Singles Meet-Ups:
It turns out that there are hundreds, if not thousands of singles who LOVE all things Disney and go on solo trips to the Orlando parks on a fairly regular basis. The problem is that they’re scattered across the globe and as of this writing there are no “Singles Days” at WDW like there are “Gay Days”. But thanks to the magic of Al Gore’s Interwebs it is super easy to schedule meet-ups online, not only at the parks, but in your own city!
The prime location for finding out about these meet-ups is on the venerable Disboards.com, in their “Disney for Adults/Singles” subforum. This is a wonderland outlet for those who want to schedule hookups, as not only are there threads organized by month for when singles will be visiting The World, but there is also what amounts to a Personals thread where people post their stats, specs, and pictures. Peruse through this board and you’re bound to find someone who matches your type. Shoot them a PM and chat a bit offline, and then simply schedule a meeting place during your trip!
The great thing about WDW is that it’s one of the safest places on earth for meeting strangers, and as previously mentioned there are a lot of great spots that are natural aphrodisiacs. While nobody is guaranteeing that you’re going to find your perfect mate, the sounds, smells, and excitement of the parks are definitely conducive to getting people in the mood for lovemaking.
There are also meet-ups centralized to other geographic regions, with the most activity in the Baltimore/DC area. Now, far be it from this author to lecture anyone on the ways of love, but these meetings are obviously geared more towards people looking for a life-partner, not random hookups. So don’t be surprised if you go into these events looking for a quick roll in the hay and are scorned and shot down like you just entered Westworld on the day when the computers malfunctioned. Because, let’s be honest here, eating crabs in Baltimore is a far cry from sipping Grand Mariner slushies in France at the World Showcase, and while your lesser traits might be overlooked in the glittering lights of Illuminations, that comb-over isn’t going to seem quite so charming as you stare down at the trash floating in the Inner Harbor.
Alternative Lifestyle Activities:
No, not Gay Days. Gay Days is no longer “alternative”. It’s just a happier, more brightly colored crowd than normal. No, if you’re looking for something really wacky to do with your body on a WDW vacation, you’re not going to find it in the parks. So rent a car, or better yet find a hot CM to drive you, and head on over to these two off-site wonderlands.
Cypress Cove Nudist Resort and Spa
http://www.cypresscoveresort.com
Did you ever notice that a lot of the Disney characters don’t wear clothes, or even weirder, only wear tops? That’s because Walt Disney was a strong proponent of nudism* (*this is blatantly false). So why not celebrate his achievements at a “clothing optional” nude beach where you can either be a creepy voyeur and gawk at saggy naked people while fully clothed, or join in the fun and gawk at saggy naked people while they also gawk at your sagginess. Yes, there is a bar, so go ahead and get liquored up and let it all hang out, just like Pluto!
Cypress Cove is about a 35 minute drive from WDW property. To get there, take Hwy 192 East to Poinciana Boulevard. Turn right and follow south for thirteen miles to Pleasant Hill Road. Turn left and go one-quarter mile to their gate, on the right.
The best part is that as of this writing, if you’ve never been to Cypress Cove before there’s a coupon on their website that’ll get you a tour of the place and all day admission for free! Couples-only, though – they don’t let single guys in the door unless you can prove you’ve had a bunch of prior nudist-camp experience, which means having an expensive membership somewhere, which means you’re at least a rich pervert.
Hint 1: Their gym is your best chance of seeing actual hot nude people, because let’s face it, they’re at least trying to maintain appearances. Just saying….
Hint 2: Bring a towel to sit on. Nobody wants to sit down on a hot barstool and get their bare ass soaked with your bare ass’s sweat drippings. Or maybe they do, but if that’s the case they’re going to have to go somewhere else and pay a lot more money, because Cypress Grove isn’t for fucking perverts! Except voyeurs. And exhibitionists. And maybe pedophiles. But, you know, other than that, no perverts allowed!
Orlando Love Loft
http://www.orlandoloveloft.com
Whereas, perverts of all sorts are more than welcome at The Orlando Love Loft! But mostly swingers. Which is pretty hot, so I’ve decided it’s not perverted. Even if there’s candlewax on the nipples involved, it’s still hot, and thus not perverted. Fuck you Middle America, I’m making my own rules!
From their stock response e-mail (i.e., a real person wouldn’t respond to my requests for an interview):
[email protected]
Thank you for your E-mail. Feel free to call us toll free at 1-866-738-3950.
On Friday and Saturdays emails may not get answered in time; due to attending to our guests, so please call to be sure your questions get answered.
LADIES ARE ALWAYS FREE
What is the dress code? CASUAL
Do we have to become a member? NO
Is there any additional charge at the door?
COUPLE: $40
SINGLE MALE: $60
SINGLE FEMALE: FREE
Do you bring your own drinks? BYOB - Bring your own alcoholic beverages - Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite and bottled water & munchies provided.
PARTY STARTS AT 8 PM TILL 2 AM
LOCATION: 8310 Happy Trails Rd, Kissimmee, FL 34747
Directions: I-4 to Exit 60 (SR 429 North) then Exit #1 (Sinclair) .25 cent toll. Turn left onto Sinclair, go over the bridge. Then Right on Happy Trails Then 1 mile to the address of 8310 Happy Trails kissimmee, Fl 34747 on the left. Drive in gate to parking area and enter the left of the house.
I don’t know why, but when I think about this place, I always picture Jay from Kevin Smith’s movies standing in the living room yelling, “I’m gonna fuck that bitch, and that bitch, and that one, too! Snoogins!” Not sure why I think the clientele there would act like that, but since the owners wouldn’t fucking get back to me for an interview, I’ve decided to make gross generalizations based on my out-of-control imagination.
The Last Resort: (no, not the long-awaited Art of Animation Resort):
Ugh, it’s come to this. After days of staring at Snow White, Cinderella, and/or Captain Jack, you are very, very, very horny. You’ve had no luck with disboards.com, Atlantic Dance Hall has been a predictable bust, and the language barrier with the Norway cast members was insurmountable. So you’ve decided to hire an escort.
For what it’s worth, the escorts
in the Orlando area are more attractive than average, and also charge much less than average, around $100 per hour as of this writing. This might be the only time on your WDW vacation where you’re actually getting a bargain! And for a little extra, you might even be able to get them to dress up in that Prince Charming or Cinderella getup (or that Robin Hood furry costume if that’s your thing) that you packed for just this very occasion.
It goes without saying, but you should do your research here. You don’t want to be on the wrong end of this sort of business deal. Having the cops bust in on you at The Grand Floridian would be oh so gauche, and the height of bad manners. So it’s highly recommended that you visit http://www.theeroticreview.com for reviews and pictures of the local escorts. Note that many of them only do incalls, so you’ll need a taxi or rental car. Some do outcalls, but they cost more, although I would argue that it’s worth the cost since you’ve already paid for the comforts of a WDW resort. And seriously, doing it in a crappy apartment or Super-8 would totally kill the magic.
DRUGS
Where to Score?:
Marijuana, Ecstasy, psychedelics and WDW are a wonderful combination. The blacklight neon frenzy of Buzz Lightyear (I mean, c’mon, the fucking ride has the word “Buzz” in it!), the tranquil sights, sounds, and smells of Soarin’, and the base humor of “Muppet Vision: 3D” all have the potential to be more fun when high on the right drug. And the message of peace, love, and harmony in “It’s a Small World” is much more profound while stoned, assuming the music doesn’t send you into a paranoid attack.
Used to be you could hold a stash of whatever in the crotch of your pants or elsewhere on your body when getting on a plane, but with the advent of the new full-body scanners that penetrate clothing, that’s no longer possible. Anyone who gets on a plane holding illegal drugs is asking for a Federal felony offense for interstate drug trafficking, and that would be a lousy way to start a vacation.
So if you can’t take it with you, you have to buy it there, and thus the question becomes: how does one score drugs at WDW?
Cast Members:
Aside from booze, which can be found in abundance anywhere in WDW aside from The Magic Kingdom, it appears that drugs are severely frowned upon onsite for anyone whose name isn’t “Dopey”. The website for the College Program states:
Disney has a zero-tolerance policy for drug use on Disney property, and this includes The Commons and Vista Way. Get caught using, selling, or possessing and you are terminated and sent home, and possibly arrested. Commons security will inspect apartments randomly and has the right to terminate anyone who is caught with drugs in their apartment - and even their roommates! The Company does not have a testing policy, but naturally reserves the right to do so.
Reading between the lines, what this means is that there is no initial drug testing done in order to be admitted to the CP, but if you’re caught with it while you’re there, you’re immediately fired. I’ve confirmed this with several former CP alums, who also told me that it’s fairly common for CP CMs to solve rivalries by reporting their enemies to the Disney drug police. So unless a CP member plans on being friends with everyone, keeping drugs onsite is a big risk.
I’ve also talked to numerous “lifer” CMs about this, and not one has been able to give me a reliable source for scoring marijuana, ecstasy, or any other mid-level drugs on property. It was suggested to me that those looking for drugs at the parks talk to a busboy or janitor, i.e., someone with a lower-level position. But that’s basically a crapshoot, and if you talk to the wrong person you could get kicked out of the park for such inquiries.
Off Property:
Per Hoot Gibson, our intrepid Horizons urban explorer: “The easiest way [to get pot offsite] is to drive your rental car to International drive and buy it by the bale. Near Wet and Wild. I don't smoke it but if you're in town and looking for it I know 150 people ready to sell:)”
LOL, thanks, Hoot!
Another suggestion I received from a former (now reformed) Orlando dealer: “Right now, I bet 25% of the people at Austin's and Stardust are high.” Looking into it, both of these are Orlando coffee shops that are hippy/alternative hangouts (http://www.austinscoffee.com/ and http://www.myspace.com/stardustvideoandcoffee). Stardust in particular sells vegan food and has a drink called “The Stoner”… so, yeah, not a bad bet you can score there.
Having Friends:
And as usual, your best bet is to have some actual friends in Orlando who already know people they can buy from. So maybe get on Facebook and reconnect with old friends or start talking to people on message boards (that shit won’t fly on Disboards, but try http://forums.wdwmagic.com/ or http://theunoriginaldistroublemakersclub for more liberal forumites). If you’re not an asshole or a narc, in all likelihood you can utilize your social network to get your OWN guy in Orlando, and buy from him/her whenever you’re in town.
How to Safely Get High in the Parks:
Getting high in your hotel room isn’t much of a risk at all, especially if you’re using a vaporizer. But buzzing in your hotel isn’t much different than doing it at home, and what’s the fun in that? No, what you really want is the experience of being completely blasted in the Parks! Unfortunately Disney doesn’t make this easy. There are an unknown number of undercover security agents patrolling the parks, dressed like tourists. If you’re stone cold sober and very observant it’s pretty easy to pick them out of the crowd, but if you’re in an “altered state” it’s going to be tough and you don’t want to risk blazing up in front of one of them.
And if you get caught with drugs in the parks you’re not just getting kicked out. Nope, chances are you’re also getting hit with a felony charge, not a simple misdemeanor because of a Florida law that allows for stiffer penalties if drugs are found within 100 ft of the presence of minors. So even getting caught for possession of a small amount of marijuana could get you busted for a 2nd degree felony. Furthermore, since you’re likely from out of state you could get arrested for trafficking, which is another felony.
So what to do if you want to get high in the parks? Here are some tips:
Smoke it in the car in the parking lot before you enter the parks. Obviously this is the safest thing to do, but it also kinda sucks because by the time you get on the tram and actually into the park and on a ride, chances are your buzz is gone.
Bake the weed into “Firecrackers”, which are pot-infused peanut butter crackers. These will get past security with no problems and it’ll just look like you’re eating a snack, even though within an hour you’ll have a massive buzz. Here’s a recipe:
1. Grind up 1g of pot. You want a really fine grind to increase the surface level of the pot so more THC can be released.
2. Mix 2tbs of high-fat peanut butter (like the natural organic stuff with the liquid on top) with 2 tsp of vegetable oil. THC absorbs in oil, so adding this additional oil increases the potency.
3. Stir in the weed with the peanut butter/oil mixture.
4. Spread an even layer of this mix onto crispy crackers or tortilla chips (you want non-porous crackers so that they don’t absorb the oil).
5. Place another cracker on top of each, and then wrap them all in aluminum foil.
6. Bake at 310-320 degrees (THC will be destroyed any higher than 340) for about 20 minutes.
7. Let cool and eat!
This my favorite method. Buy a pouch of hand-rolled tobacco along with some filtered cigarette blanks and a blank filler (all of this should cost less than $10 at a tobacconist). Fill a bunch of blanks with an equal mixture of tobacco and finely ground weed. These end up looking just like regular cigarettes, and even better the tobacco masks the smell of the marijuana. So you can actually use these in the designated smoking areas at the parks and nobody will be the wiser!
Final tip: Control your shit! If you get totally wasted and run around like an idiot you’re going to attract attention and will likely get caught, searched for paraphernalia (yet another misdemeanor charge), and kicked out o
f the parks. Don’t be like these guys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lu72WdTg2U
Top 5 Best and Worse Places to Get High:
I realize this is subjective, but there are just some experiences that are going to be awesome high, and others that are going to totally suck ass.
BEST:
1. World Showcase at Epcot. When you’ve got the munchies there is no better place to be on this earth than at World Showcase. Sweet, sour, salty, chewy, crunchy, whatever, it’s seemingly been placed here by the God of Stoners to appeal to the culinary desires of even the pickiest potheads. Plus, while you’re eating you can totally chill and watch the waves on the lake or do the hippie twirling dance to a huge variety of music, from The Beatles to Japanese drums. I personally recommend the Biergarten restaurant in Germany – a lot of different types of fatty food combined with a show that will blow your fucking mind if you’re stoned. There’s a big horn duet, and two guys playing dueling bells, and lots of yelling. Awesomeness!
2. Soarin’ at Epcot. Even when you’re not stoned it feels like you’re flying. Strike a fucking Superman pose and be a superhero for a few minutes or sit back and chill as the wind blows through your hair and scents of oranges, pines, and salt water waft through the air. A full-body sensory experience that is transcendent when high.
The Dark Side of Disney Page 8