Looking back on that night, some years hence, I often wondered if Chad had a premonition that we wouldn’t grow old together. We were too happy and, in my life, happiness had been a rare commodity. We had just one more month of happiness to share and, if I had known that our time together was to be so short, I would have spent every hour of that month with him. But, of course, we rarely get time to prepare for life's major traumas and waste valuable time in petty, unimportant matters instead of spending those precious minutes with the one we love.
One month after taking the photos of me, Chad went back to Africa to work and did not come back. His plane crashed as it took off from the runway in Addis Ababa, in Ethiopia. There were no survivors.
Chapter 5
I don't remember much about the weeks after the plane crash. I know that I spent day after day lying in my bed, unable to face the effort of getting washed and dressed. Because Chad and I spent all our time together, and rarely socialized, we never met friends and it was probable, even likely, that not many people even knew we were a couple. I met my fellow models at jobs, but I didn't talk about my relationship with Chad and I don't think he spoke much to other people about me. I didn't even know if he had a family. It was not something we had ever discussed. I certainly didn’t have one. As far as I was concerned, they were long since dead and buried to me, even if they were still strolling the earth.
It turned out that Chad did have a family. He had a brother. The only reason I knew that was because about ten days after the crash, I got a telephone call.
"Hello, is that Marianne? You don't know me, but I am Andrew Baker. Chad Baker was my brother."
"Oh… yes. Yes, I'm Marianne." My voice sounded hoarse from the days of howling I had released into my pillow in an effort to rid myself of the terrible pain inside me.
"I'm sorry if I am being presumptuous, but I think that you were having some sort of relationship with Chad. I found a couple of messages from you on his answerphone and some of your personal possessions in the apartment. It's just that, with his…" Andrew paused, clearing his throat of emotion, and continued, "With his death, I’ve come to New York to sort through everything. He didn't leave a will and I’m his only close relation."
"Yes, we were together," I managed to reply. My voice must have sounded strange, but I was having great difficulty in talking without breaking out into sobs. I had to keep my sentences short because I was only capable of saying a few words at a time without breaking down.
"I’d like to bring your possessions back to you. If you give me your address, I’ll drop them off."
I didn't think there was anything of any importance at Chad's, and I had no great wish to meet his brother. "It's okay. It doesn't matter. You can throw them away."
"I would really rather not, and besides, I’d like to meet you. Honestly, I don't mind. I can catch a cab and be with you very soon if that’s all right?"
I signified my assent and then burrowed back under the covers. If I could just hide under the bed sheets, then perhaps I could keep out the world. My agency had tried to contact me but I had ignored them. Even Lily had knocked on my door, despite the fact that we’d hardly met during the past year, but I couldn’t face her. I wasn't sure that when Chad's brother arrived, I would even have the strength or inclination to open the door to him, either.
The knock on the door came about an hour after we had spoken. I lay there, trying to ignore it, but he was persistent. In the end, it was the thought that the man outside my door was the brother of the man I had lost, and I suppose I wanted to see if there was any trace of Chad's features in his, that might give me a small link back to Chad.
I dragged myself out of bed and put on a robe to cover my naked body, for I had become used to sleeping nude with Chad, and went to open the door. On the doorstep was a man of around his mid-forties, a bit younger than Chad. He didn’t look much like his older brother and was far more neat and tidy, but I could see a slight family resemblance and it stabbed my heart to look at it.
If he was shocked by my appearance, or the appearance of my apartment, he didn’t show it as I opened the door and indicated for him to enter. I could see from his face that he felt awkward and a little nervous. He held out his hand.
"Hi Marianne, I'm Andrew. I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances. Chad and I were not particularly close, but we had the occasional telephone call and he told me once, some months ago, that he was seeing a beautiful model and that, plus the things I found at his apartment, led me here to you."
I thought I should offer the man a drink, but I had nothing to offer him. I had long since run out of milk for coffee or tea. In fact, I wasn't sure if I even had coffee. Or tea. I had been managing on cups of water from the tap. "Please sit if you like. I'm sorry… I can't offer you anything. I don't have…" I ran out of words and simply pointed to the sofa, which was half covered with clothes.
He sat down and placed a large plastic bag on the sofa beside him. I sat in the chair opposite. There was a pause for a moment before Andrew spoke.
"Marianne, I can see that things have been bad for you. Is there anything I can do?" Then he shook his head. "Of course that’s a silly question, because I realize that there is nothing I can do to alleviate the pain that you’re obviously feeling, but can I help in any practical way? I can go to the coffee shop and get some hot coffee and some muffins or something."
"No… yes… I don't know what to do."
Tears began to roll down my cheeks and the stranger sitting on my sofa was clearly lost as to how to behave towards me. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a clean handkerchief. "Here, take this. I'm going to get that coffee."
Ten minutes later, he was back with two large paper cups of steaming coffee and some English muffins, and by then I had managed to struggle into jeans and a t-shirt, although I hadn't washed my face or combed my hair. We sat in silence, drinking the coffee, and I managed a couple of mouthfuls of the muffin. I couldn't remember when I had last had a proper meal.
Finally, Andrew spoke.
"It's obvious to me that you’ve had a pretty awful time and I'm sorry that I didn't make contact before. Have you been here alone since it happened?"
I nodded.
"Is there someone I can call for you?"
"Not really, I… well, Chad and I spent most of our time alone." I blinked hard, trying to keep the tears at bay.
"What about family?"
"No, not really, I…" The tears began to roll down my cheeks again. Andrew jumped to his feet and came over to where I was sitting and rested his hand briefly on my shoulder. I could sense that he wanted to comfort me, but didn’t know how.
"I know that nothing I do or say will make the pain go away, Marianne, but I owe it to my brother to help in any way I can, even if it’s just practical, and with food. I don't expect you've eaten much lately, so I'm going to go out and get something for us to eat. Why don't you do something for me while I’m gone? Why don't you wash your face and brush your hair? Better still, jump in the shower. A nice hot shower would be a good start for you. Baby steps, that's what you need, just a few little steps to get you back in touch with the world. Can you do that for me?"
I nodded at him.
"That's a good girl." His voice was deep, like Chad's, and for a brief sliver of time it felt as though it was Chad who was talking to me, and I thought I should obey or there would be consequences.
The shower was very cathartic. I stood for ten minutes under it at full power and the hot water soothed me like a warm pair of arms around my naked body. Afterwards, I wrapped my long hair in a towel and found some clean clothes in my bedroom. By the time I came back into the living room, Andrew was back and he’d put the food into the oven to keep warm, and was scooping rubbish into a bin bag. For the first time, I realized how much of a mess my apartment was.
"I'm sorry, I…" I stammered, feeling my face flush with the heat of embarrassment.
"Don't worry. I have children who make more of
a mess than this," Andrew assured me. He finished clearing a space and then brought the food out from the kitchen. "I didn't know if you ate meat or not, so I got a vegetarian curry and some naan bread, and also some salad. I hope that’s okay for you?"
I ate quite a lot of the food that Andrew had spooned on to my plate. I was hungrier than I realized. When I gave up three quarters of the way through the curry, Andrew didn't seem to mind me leaving some. Chad had always been strict about me eating healthily. He knew that quite a few models suffered from eating disorders, and he didn't want me to fall into that trap.
After Andrew had cleared up the leftovers, he made me a cup of tea and then sat down near to me.
"We Brits like our cups of tea, don't we?"
I felt more able to string words together into a coherent sentence. "Do you live over here as well?"
He shook his head. "No, I've never lived away from England, apart from a few months in Australia after I left university. I married not long after, and now have three children, two girls and a boy. One of them is now working, the second is at university, and the third is in his last year at school. He takes his A levels this year."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a boring old accountant, I’m afraid. I work for a large firm of accountants in Bristol, and my wife and I live just outside the city. I guess Chad didn't talk about his family much. How long were you two together?"
He spoke the last two sentences softly, as if afraid that he might set me off crying again. At the mention of Chad's name, tears did prick my eyes, but I managed to hold them back. "No, he wasn't one to talk about the past and his family, although he did talk a little about Naomi after I asked him some questions. We were together one year and four months."
"Ah, I wondered if you knew about Naomi. I met her on a couple of occasions. Chad brought her to our mother's funeral some years ago, and I met her once in New York, when my wife, Pat, and I came over for a few days' holiday."
I smiled a small smile. "In a way, it was Naomi who brought us together." I remembered the first time we met, looking at the photos of Naomi at the gallery.
"I'm glad you mentioned Naomi, because it makes it easier to lead on to the reason I came over today. As I mentioned, I wanted to dispose of his belongings. He didn't leave a Will or any instructions, but there are a few things I decided to bring for you. Firstly, there were a lot of photographs of you on his laptop that must have been taken in India. I thought you might like them, so I have downloaded them on to a flash drive for you to look at when you are feeling stronger."
"Yes, we had a wonderful trip to India. It was work for me, but we stayed on for a few days extra."
Andrew pulled out the flash drive from the bag, as well as a garment colored with beautiful gold embroidery, which I recognized as the coat Chad had bought in India. I took it from him and held it close to my chest to see if I could smell him on the garment but, of course, he’d never worn it so it was a fruitless search.
Andrew then looked a little embarrassed at what he was about to say.
"There was something else that I’ve brought you. I looked in Chad's safe and found this envelope with some printed black and white photos. I hope you don't mind, but I did look at them, before I knew about you, of course."
I knew exactly what was in the envelope. I wouldn’t open it now and look at the photos in front of Andrew, but keep them until I could bear to remember the day they were taken. "Don't worry, Andrew. I'm a model and we get used to being photographed with few or no clothes. These were very special to Chad and me, which was the reason they were in the safe. He wanted to make sure that they would never be seen by the press and published. I don't mind that you saw them."
I did wonder briefly whether the flash drive was with the hard copies. Chad had told me that he’d deleted the photos from his laptop, but that he had copied them on to a flash drive in case the hard copies became damaged. I would check later when I was alone again.
Andrew said that he would be in New York for one more day, and would like to come by tomorrow night to see me before he left. I think that he was worried about what effect the photos might have on me, especially given their intimate nature and the emotional state he had found me in. Somehow, seeing Andrew and talking to another human being for the first time since I had heard about Chad, made me feel that I had turned a corner. I was still grieving tremendously, and would do so for a long time, but I felt I’d hit the bottom of my grief and would now begin the long, hard climb out of the pit of depression.
By the time Andrew came by the following evening, I hadn’t yet felt strong enough to look at the photographs, but I’d made an effort to tidy up my apartment and make myself look a little more presentable than when he had first met me. We talked for a long time and ate the food that he brought with him.
"I have to return to the U.K. tomorrow, but I’m a little concerned about leaving you here alone to mourn my brother, especially as you have no close family to support you. Have you decided what your plans are?"
I shook my head. To be honest, deciding my next move hadn't even occurred to me. "No, I can't seem to think beyond each day at the moment. I guess I’ll have to return to work at some point, but I’m nowhere near ready to do that yet. I did ring the agency today, though, and told them what had happened and asked them not to find me any work until I let them know."
Andrew offered me a smile of solidarity. "Why don't you consider moving back to England? I spoke to Pat yesterday and she agreed. We would like you to come and stay with us for a few weeks. Then, if you feel up to it, you can return to live in London and go back to work, and we’ll only be a couple of hours away if you need any further help and support."
I was so touched that a man I had only just met, and his wife, whom I had never met, should be so kind to me, just because I had been with Chad for a while. But then when I remembered how kind Chad had been, it didn't surprise me that his brother would have the same nature. I told him that I would think about it. We exchanged contact details and Andrew gave me a big hug as he prepared to leave.
"Don't forget, we think of you as family now and even if you don't want to come and stay with us, we want to stay in touch and have you meet our children. I feel that I owe it to Chad to help someone whom he clearly loved."
The following day I contacted Lily and invited her round to my apartment and explained that I had been home when she came after hearing of Chad's death, but I was just too wrapped up in my grief to let her in.
She hugged me. "I should have been more persistent. I'm sorry I didn't come back to see you, Marianne. You must have been going through such a terrible time all alone."
"Chad's brother, Andrew, has been to see me and has suggested I move back to England and stay with him for a while, until I feel like working again."
She nodded in agreement. "I think that is a great idea, because I’ve been thinking about moving back too, and we could get a place together if you like."
That night, I looked at the photographs for the first time and wept as I remembered the times when they were taken, and how much happiness I enjoyed in my short time with Chad. It was then that I decided to take Andrew's advice and move back to England, at least for a while.
I contacted Andrew a few days after his arrival back home and told him that I’d decided to accept his offer and stay with him for a couple of weeks, and I would probably then return to London to share an apartment with Lily, who expected to be back in England a few weeks after me.
Andrew and Pat both came to Heathrow airport to meet me. Pat was as I imagined she would be, a friendly, kind, middle-aged mum. She gave me a big hug and they both ushered me to their car for the drive to Bristol.
Once there, I was introduced to Rob, their youngest child, and Jenny, their elder daughter, who worked in an office in Bristol and was living at home. Sarah, their middle child, was away at university. Almost from the start, and for the first time in my life, I was enveloped in the warmth and care of a family. It was as
though they had known me for years.
I guessed from the size of the house, and the area they lived, that Andrew and Pat were comfortably off. Their home was a five-bedroom house, with a large garden, on the edge of the city. Pat put me into a light and sunny room that overlooked the garden, which also had an adjoining bathroom.
"Now, my dear, you are under no obligation to spend all your time with us while you’re here. If you want to spend some time alone up here, or outside in the garden, then you must do that. We will understand. Grief affects everyone differently and you must find the way that is best for you. But remember, we are here if ever you need to talk to someone."
"Thank you. You have been so kind."
I spent three weeks with Andrew and Pat and their family. Living with a family like theirs was a revelation to me. I thought that such families only existed in Disney films, or old TV shows. There was genuine love between them all and I loved listening to their light-hearted banter. Sarah came home from university for the weekend to meet me, and it was wonderful to sit around their large kitchen table, eat delicious home-cooked food, and listen to their conversation and laughter.
During the week, I spent some time with Pat, when the others were at work or school. She had once worked as a secretary at the same firm as Andrew, but now was a full-time homemaker and was involved in charity work. She was happy to listen when I was in a mood to talk, or leave me alone when she sensed that I needed the space, and gradually I came back into the land of the living. I would hurt for a long time, but at last I could contemplate a future.
After three weeks with Andrew and Pat, I decided that I needed to move on and bid them a fond farewell when I left Bristol to return to London and the flat with Lily. As I hugged them goodbye, and thanked them both for taking me into their home and family, I realized that meeting Andrew might well have saved my life when I felt I had nothing left to live for.
"You know that you are more than welcome to come here any time, Marianne. You are family now, so don't you forget."
Out of the Darkness Page 6