His eyebrows pulled together with a frown. He sat forward, elbows on knees. “That’s not my goal.”
Louise entered the room just then and I jumped.
“I’m ready,” she said. “You can come and read to me now. Mommy, you come too.”
My head drew back in surprise. “You want both of us?”
“Yes.” She turned and waved for us to follow. “Come on.”
Luke and I exchanged a look. Then we both got up from our chairs.
* * *
We sat on Louise’s bed, one of us on either side of her, and read two chapters of the fairy book before she began to drift off. Then I closed the book, switched off the light and we both kissed her goodnight.
After we left her room, I quietly shut the door behind us.
“Listen,” Luke said as we reached the kitchen and sat down at the table. “I’m not here to destroy you or take Louise away from you. I just want to be a part of her life, and I don’t know how that’s going to work. We live on opposite sides of the country and I won’t lie. I don’t like you very much, Bev, and it wasn’t easy to be polite today. Your only saving grace is that you’re Louise’s mother and obviously, you’ve done a good job raising her so far. I’m grateful for that, but this was weird tonight. I mean…it was good in a lot of ways. Louise is incredible and I loved meeting her, but it’s obvious that she wants us to be her mom and dad. In the conventional sense. And that’s going to be a problem.”
I felt sick to my stomach. “Yes. So how do we handle it?”
He shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know. I need to talk to a lawyer. And you should, too.”
My pulse accelerated. “Wait. Can’t we try to figure this out without lawyers?”
“I don’t know how that would be possible.” He waved a hand through the air. “Like I said, I live in BC. You live here. You want what you want and I want what I want, and we’re not exactly on good terms. So, I don’t think we can work this out between us. We’re going to need a mediator. Someone objective.”
I buried my face in my hands. “This is exactly what I was always afraid of. It’s why I never told you about her.” I took a moment to slow my breathing and think this through. Then I looked up. “Do we really have to decide this right now? Can’t we just take the week to see how we feel at the end? To see how Louise feels? Then maybe we’ll both have a better idea how to proceed.”
We sat in silence. He tapped a finger on the table.
“I don’t know,” he said uncertainly.
“You’re here in town anyway. You’ve come such a long way. Don’t you want to spend more time with Louise?”
“Of course I do.” He surprised me by standing up. “I should go.”
“No, wait. Please…”
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to drag you to court tomorrow. I’ll stick around for a bit and we’ll see. Okay?”
I let out a tightly held breath. “Okay.” I stood up as well. “Let me give Claire a call and I can drive you back to your hotel.”
“No, don’t bother. I’ll take a cab. That’ll be easiest.”
“Are you sure? Claire won’t mind.”
“Honestly.” He pulled out his cell phone. “Do you know a number?”
I recited the one I knew by heart and Luke called them. Then I walked him to the door.
“Thanks for having me,” he said, which surprised me. “And thank you for showing me that picture. Louise is amazing.”
“Thank you. I appreciate you saying that.”
We stood in the entry hall, waiting for the taxi while Leo watched through the screen door.
Luke turned to me. “So, can I see Louise tomorrow?”
I drew back slightly. “Yes, but I can’t just hand her over to you. What kind of mother would I be?”
“I get that,” he replied. “But what are you doing? I could just meet up with you somewhere.”
I considered that for a moment. “It’s Saturday. She has a swimming lesson at eleven, then we usually go for lunch at the Farmer’s Market and then, if the weather’s nice, we go to the playground or take Leo for a walk at Point Pleasant Park.”
He said nothing, but it was obvious he was waiting for me to invite him.
“I could text you in the morning,” I suggested, “and we could pick you up on the way to swim class, if you want to come and watch. She might like that because she’s been nervous about getting in the water since the accident. You’d be a good distraction.”
“That would be great.” The cab arrived and Luke pushed the door open and walked out. “Thanks. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
As I watched him get into the cab and drive off, I marveled at the fact that he had thanked me again. It was not something I felt I deserved.
Chapter Eighteen
Luke
When I arrived back at the hotel, I rode the elevator up to my room, turned on the television and found a game to watch. I’d brought my laptop with me and had some consulting work to do, but I wasn’t in the right headspace. As I lay on the king-sized bed watching the game, all I could think about was Louise and Bev and their cozy little house and shady backyard, and their dog Leo, and Bev’s sister Claire and her husband Scott across the street. It was a pleasant environment and they all seemed happy.
In my mind, I replayed different moments from the day and thought about things Bev had said to me when we discussed the situation.
No question about it, I was still angry with her, but I had to concede that she was exceptionally levelheaded and I respected that. It was something we’d promised each other on the phone initially—that we would be reasonable. All things considered, we had been. I didn’t get the sense that Bev was playing games with me or trying to manipulate me in any way. Nor was she emotional or hysterical—thank God for that. She was self-possessed and forthcoming about her fears and regrets. We may have argued, but at least we never got into a screaming match. No one stormed out or slammed any doors.
That didn’t make up for what she had done, of course, and I was determined not to feel sympathy for her. If she had regrets, so be it. She deserved to break out in a sweat for what she did to me.
At the same time, I wasn’t going to be a jerk about it and seek some form of revenge. No good could come of that. To be honest, I preferred not to hold a grudge against her forever. That would drive me insane. I’d rather just accept things the way they were and try to make the best of a bad situation.
Although it wasn’t all bad. There was a bright spot in all of this because I had a daughter—and today I got to meet her and read her a bedtime story.
She couldn’t have been more perfect and amazing. Every minute with Louise was pure bliss, and I couldn’t wait to see her again.
In the end, as much as I wanted to play nice with Bev, I had to protect my rights. Over the next hour, I sat at the desk in my hotel room, researching some top family lawyers.
Chapter Ninteen
Bev
As soon as Luke drove off in the cab, I called Scott and asked him about finding a good lawyer. He told me to put it in his hands because he knew people in the right places, and he offered to help me out financially if I needed it. I thanked him and went to bed.
The following morning, the sun shone brightly. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. Luke was waiting for us on the hotel steps when Louise and I arrived to pick him up before her swimming lesson.
“Good morning,” he said, climbing into the passenger seat, shutting the door, and turning around to smile at Louise while he buckled his seatbelt. “Did you dream of fairies last night? I did. Or maybe it wasn’t a dream. Maybe they were actually in my room.”
“What were they doing?” Louise asked.
“Cleaning up,” he replied, without missing a beat.
Louise giggled. “I don’t think so. Fairies live in the woods. Not hotels. And they don’t clean.”
“Everybody has to clean.”
“Not fairies! They have magic
pixie dust!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” She laughed. “I’m sure!”
Luke and I exchanged a look of amusement, and I hoped this would set the tone for the rest of the day.
Flicking my blinker, I turned onto the street. “How are you doing this morning? Jet lagged?”
“Oh yeah.” He looked out the windows as we moved along South Park Street. “It’s 6:00 a.m. to me, so I might need a coffee later.”
“I’m a hospital shift worker. I can definitely fix you up.”
As we drove toward the pool, I pointed out a few of the downtown landmarks like Citadel Hill, the Garrison Grounds, and the Town Clock. It was a quick drive, only about five minutes, and when we parked in the lot, Luke helped Louise out of her booster seat. She jumped down to the pavement and walked between us, holding our hands, swinging from them, as we made our way to the door.
Luke and I exchanged another glance because this felt like a staged “mommy and daddy moment.” He raised an eyebrow at me, and I found myself struggling not to notice how handsome he was—why did he have to be exactly my type?—because this was complicated enough as it was.
Once we were inside, I directed him to the stairs to the viewing area while I took Louise into the girls’ locker room to get changed. A short while later, I found him seated midway down the length of the bleachers.
“It’s Olympic size,” he said, sounding impressed. “I didn’t know where to sit.”
“This is perfect.” I took a seat beside him and set my purse on the bench. I glanced to my right and waved at the group of mothers I usually sat with on Saturday mornings. They all waved back while observing and ogling the drop-dead gorgeous man I’d brought with me today. Luke didn’t seem to notice.
“Her class is right down there.” I pointed when the instructor led five girls between the ages of four and six to the far corner.
“It’s a small class,” he said.
“Yes. She’s a great teacher, too, very kind and patient, which has been a godsend. Louise always loved to swim but she’s had some fears lately, since the accident. I’ve had to encourage her to get back on the horse, so to speak, and she’s been a real trooper. Very brave.”
We watched her smiling and laughing with one of the other little girls.
“I used to call her my water baby,” I said, “but she doesn’t like that anymore.”
“Too grown up for that?” he asked with a grin and a sparkle in his eye that reminded me of our night together, years ago, when we had hit it off spectacularly from the very first moment. It was nice to know the Luke I remembered still existed somewhere behind that dark cloud.
The girls jumped into the shallow end of the pool, and we both turned our attention that way.
“Look at her go,” Luke said. “She knows what she’s doing. She’s a fantastic swimmer for her age. She doesn’t seem nervous at all.”
He rested his elbows on his knees, and I watched him watch her. He was completely focused and captivated, which I found incredibly attractive—because what could be more wonderful than someone thinking the world of your child?
“I have a pool in my backyard,” he told me. “Louise would love it. You guys should come out and visit sometime. Have you ever been to Victoria?”
Surprised by the suggestion, I cleared my throat. “Um, no. I’ve never been west of Toronto.”
“Really? You’d like it. It’s similar to Halifax because it’s a port city. Lots of yacht clubs and a touristy waterfront. Louise would enjoy seeing the seals.”
“That sounds really nice.”
I was pleased he wanted us to visit, but at the same time, I was afraid to commit to something like that, or to even imagine that we could work this out with such ease. I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
A few minutes later, he glanced at me briefly. “So, tell me some stuff about Louise. What have I missed? You must have some stories.”
The question was like a knife in my heart because I couldn’t begin to fathom how I’d feel if I had missed out on Louise’s life up to this point. I didn’t want to rub salt in that wound.
“I wouldn’t know where to start,” I replied.
“How about the day she was born? Was your sister with you?”
I picked up my purse and held it on my lap. “Yes, she was, and it was an easy labor, as far as labors go. Louise came out quickly and she was healthy in every way.”
“What was she like as a baby?”
I thought back to those early days and how I was so utterly, madly in love with her. The love had knocked me over like a hurricane the first second I held her in my arms. I cried like a baby and sobbed all over her. I never knew such love could exist in the world, and that love had only grown deeper with time.
But I couldn’t say any of that to Luke. I couldn’t tell him about all the profound joys and miracles he had missed out on because I had not allowed him to be a part of our lives. For one thing, that would be cruel. For another, it might make him feel more bitter toward me, but for Louise’s sake, I wanted him to focus on the joys of today, and what still lay ahead.
So, I endeavored to stick to the facts. “She was a great baby. I breast fed, but only for the first six months because I had to go back to work. Between Claire, Scott and my mom, childcare was taken care of, so I never had to put her in day care. Claire and I were each other’s free childcare providers, so Louise and Serena have been raised more like sisters than cousins.”
She looked up at us just then and waved. We waved back and laughed. Then I told Luke about our camping trips with Claire and Scott and Serena the past two summers. By that time, swim class was over and I hurried down to meet Louise in the locker room.
* * *
The Farmer’s Market was a short, ten-minute drive away, and as usual for a Saturday, it was crowded. Louise held Luke’s hand the entire time as we made our way through the crush, past the vendors’ booths, then stopped to listen to a young cellist playing for coins.
I bought Luke a coffee, then we ordered lunch at an organic eatery where we all had eggs and toast with tomatoes and avocadoes. Luke bought an interesting wood carving from a local artisan, and I bought some fudge and a jar of maple butter.
Later, when we left the market, Louise asked if we could go to the playground.
“Sure, but let’s swing by the house first and pick up Leo,” I replied as I buckled her into her seat.
“Can we get ice cream too?” she asked.
I laughed and messed her hair. “Maybe afterwards.”
Moving around to the driver’s side, I got in and turned to Luke. “How’s the jet lag? If this is too much for you… Maybe you’d like to go back to your hotel for a bit.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“No. I just don’t want to assume that you want to hang out with us all day.”
“Yes, he does!” Louise shouted from the back seat. “Right Daddy?”
He turned in his seat and smiled at her. “Yes, you’re right. I absolutely do want to hang out with you today. Playground, here we come.”
She threw her hands over her head. “Yay!”
* * *
Leo was thrilled to leap into the cargo area of my SUV, knowing we must be going somewhere fun.
When we arrived at the playground, Louise asked Luke to push her on the swings, so I took Leo for a short walk around the park. Then we stopped at a bench and sat down. I watched Luke go with Louise to the play structure, where she found one of her friends from ballet class.
Eventually, Luke joined me on the bench while the girls lay on their bellies on the grass, searching for four-leaf clovers.
“This is a great spot,” he said. “You must come here a lot.”
“Yes, even in the winter, we’re here with our snowsuits and hats and mittens. There’s a large skating oval on the Commons. We go there a lot, too.”
He leaned back and rested his arm along the back of the bench. I leaned back, too, and was intensely
aware of his hand near the nape of my neck. I felt his thumb move through my hair and a sudden flash memory of our night together came hurtling back at me. There was a tingling in all my nerve endings.
Oh, who was I trying to fool? I was still wildly attracted to this man, and no amount of sensible, rational thinking was going to smother the electricity I felt whenever he was near. He was handsome. There was no arguing that point, but it was much more than that. I’d met plenty of handsome men in my life, but none had sparked an excitement in me like this one did.
I couldn’t explain it. There was just something about him. And he was the father of my child and Louise wanted him in her life. I couldn’t blame her. Based on our first twenty-four-hours together, he was an absolute dream father, and he would probably be a dream husband, too.
I shut my eyes and shook my head at myself. Why didn’t I contact him five years ago? Where would we be right now if I had? What would our lives look like?
His phone rang just then, and he reached into his pocket. It wasn’t my intention to spy, but he was sitting beside me and I couldn’t help but glance at the screen.
The call was coming from a British Columbia area code. It was a woman named Emma. There was a picture of her. She was, of course, beautiful.
Luke frowned at the screen while it flashed and vibrated, as if he weren’t sure he wanted to answer it. Then he turned to me. “I should take this.”
He swiped the screen, stood up and walked a few paces away.
I tried not to stare. I pretended I wasn’t listening and kept my eyes fixed on Louise, even though I was straining to hear his conversation.
The Color of a Silver Lining Page 17