by T Gephart
The day of the funeral came and I woke in his arms as usual. He smiled as he brushed the hair out of my face. My heart swelled for this amazing man, I knew today would be hard and I wished there was something I could do to make it easier for him.
“I got your black suit dry cleaned, it’s hanging in your closet.” I smiled as his finger traced over my chin.
“Lexi you didn’t have to do that. You’re not my assistant, but thank you.” I shifted in his arms so that my chest pressed against his.
“Since when have I ever done ANYTHING because I had to? I wanted to and you’re welcome.” I gently kissed his lips.
“These past few days with you...” he swallowed “Lexi, I couldn’t have gotten through them without you.” He dragged his lips across my collar bone.
“I’m here Alex.” I breathed, fighting my own tears.
He untwined himself from me and I watched as his gloriously, taut naked body strode into the bathroom to take a shower. I never got tired of looking at him, he was entirely too good looking. I stretched in Alex’s king size bed, before letting my feet hit the ground and walking over to the small overnight bag I had packed yesterday. I knew the funeral was early today and didn’t want to have to go home to prepare so had packed a few things before coming over last night. I pulled out a simple black tailored dress; it had a thin belt around the waist and a matching fitted black jacket. I laid the items on his bed as I pulled out some underwear and opaque tights.
I smiled as Alex walked back in, still glistening from his shower. His towel flirted with his hips. He glanced at the bed silently as he examined my clothes. His eyes shifted back to me as he sat on the bed.
“Shower is free” he mumbled, no warmth in his voice as his eyes moved back to pile of clothes on his bed. He refused to meet my gaze.
“Ok,” I whispered, not sure what happened between the bed and the shower to make him so distant. I wanted to ask but didn’t want to push him, today of all days. Was it my choice of attire? Was it me? I stepped into the shower and buried my head under the spray of the water.
By the time I got out, he was already dressed. He looked breathtaking in his black Calvin Klein suit, his hair slicked back, his famous mirrored aviators poking out of his top pocket. “I’m going to head over to my mom’s, I’ve organised for a car to be here in about an hour to take you to the funeral. Ok?”
I blinked back tears as I nodded. “Yep, Ok.” I was confused as he sidestepped me and left without kissing me goodbye. What had happened, why was he so cold? I had stayed with him every night; we had spent hours in each other’s arms, I had lowered my guard and let him in, I had fallen in love with him. Was this payback for what I did to him? Was he punishing me? Or was it that I no longer served a purpose? I replayed his words over in my head. Was it about me helping him cope and now he was ok? I refused to let myself cry, I forced a wry grin as I dressed, I would not allow him to see me cry. No, he would not get that satisfaction from me.
The car arrived and took me to a small catholic church near Alex’s family home. Christian greeted me warmly when I approached the Stone family offering my condolences, his mother gently hugged me and Alex offered me a curt nod, keeping his distance and thanking me for coming. He was thanking me for coming? My anger flared as he looked at me indifferently. I wanted to climb over the pew and beat the living shit out of him. I was so incredibly hurt. I took my seat beside Hannah and James who smiled at me when they saw me, Hannah’s eyes were already red from crying, her crumpled tissue tightly grasped in her hand. The gentle music filtered through the beautiful church as various people approached Alex, his mother and brother, offering their sympathies.
I watched him intently, willing him to make eye contact with me but he didn’t. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the casket in front of him, holding his mother as she gently sobbed as the priest welcomed the congregation. The service progressed with various intervals of sitting, standing and kneeling. I looked to Hannah for guidance as to what was required, having not grown up in church. The priest finally farewelled Jenson Stone with Alex and Christian heading the procession as they wheeled the casket to the waiting Hearst.
I couldn’t hold back any longer, I tried to stop the tears from falling but I couldn’t. I sucked in a deep breath as a small sob escaped my throat. Hannah put her arm around me as I fell back into the wooden pew, unable to stop weeping. I shook uncontrollably as I watched these two beautiful young men pass by me escorting the body of their father. It was a vision that affected me deeply, and I closed my eyes unable to look at Alex. Hannah hugged me tighter as I tried to stifle my sobs, not wanting to create a scene. Looking around, I saw that I was not the only person struggling with their emotions.
The crowd dispersed through the large double church doors as I stayed sitting, gently weeping when James finally approached me.
“Are you ok Lexi? Do you need anything?” He sat beside me as Hannah held my hand as I tried to explain.
“I’m fine, I just need some air. Please go be with Alex. I’ll catch up with you later.” James eyed me suspiciously before I finally convinced him to leave. I sat in the church until it was empty, grieving my own loss. I had seen how loved this man had been. It was evident on the face of his sons, his wife, his extended family and friends. I had never loved my father in that way, yet I grieved for this man who I didn’t know. I grieved for the pain I knew it caused the man I loved, even if he didn’t love me back. I grieved for the loss I knew I was facing when I finally walked out the doors.
By the time I made it to the cemetery, the casket was already being lowered into the ground. I stayed behind the crowd, watching safely from a distance, my eyes swollen and red. Alex led his mother to the open plot and tossed in a single red rose, she held her sons either side of her as she quietly wept. Christian sniffled as he wiped away his tears; Alex stood resolute, his face unreadable. I found Hannah and James and told them I was heading back to my apartment.
“Aren’t you coming to the wake?” James questioned cautiously.
I shook my head as I mumbled “I think it’s best if I don’t.” He didn’t push it any further as I walked off. I pulled my phone from my bag and dialed for a cab; I just wanted to go back to my apartment.
I eased into the back of the taxi and I shut my eyes as we drove back to Manhattan. He could have driven me to Connecticut and I probably wouldn’t have noticed. As if sensing my mood, the driver left me to my misery. I guess getting picked up from a cemetery was probably a good tip off. He eased the cab beside my building and I handed him my fare, he nodded as I told him to keep the change and I pushed open the front doors to the lobby.
Barry the door man smiled as I waved, walking straight through to the elevator and pressing the button for my floor. I lay my back against the internal rails feeling I could collapse at any moment. The elevator dinged when I arrived at my floor. I gripped the walls as I walked to my front door, pulling out my keys and finally finding sanctuary in my own space. It had only been four nights since I’d slept here but it felt like four weeks. I pulled off my shoes and jacket and walked through to my bedroom. I collapsed onto my bed and curled my body tightly into a ball, I was safe. No one could hurt me here. Alex’s last interaction with me spoke volumes, he was done. I was a means to an end with him, a coping mechanism. He had finally got what he wanted and then he didn’t want or need it anymore. I closed my eyes tightly, refusing to shed any more tears and willed sleep to come. It was over and I had to move on.
Chapter 23 – Confessions
I wasn’t sure if I was still sleeping when I heard a loud banging at my door. My arms and legs were stiff from my contorted sleeping position. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as the banging continued. My body protested as I limped to my door, stubbing my toe on the couch on the way. I peered out of my peep hole and saw Matt standing impatiently outside my door. I rubbed my eyes and looked again in case I was hallucinating, but even on my second look he was still there. I unlocked the door and let him in, my
arms finding their home around his neck.
“What are you doing here?” I questioned, my head still foggy.
“Lexi, you’ve been off the grid for three days. You sent Chris an email saying you were taking a leave of absence and no one has heard from you since. You won’t take anyone’s calls, you aren’t answering your emails, and you have refused to open your door, even for Taylah. Hannah got desperate and called me, it was either that or call the cops.”
I shook my head, it had been three days? How could it have been three days?
“I’m sorry Matt, I didn’t mean to drag you into this. I had no idea they would call you, how did they even get your number? It’s just a misunderstanding. I just needed a few days to myself.”
He grabbed my shoulders, “They got my number from your employment contract; you listed me as the emergency contact. Lexi, what’s going on?”
I sighed, “Sit down - this is going to take awhile.”
He relaxed into my sofa as I sat opposite him. I recounted my last few days, starting with my confrontation with Marcy and meeting Alex’s family. I told him everything about my amazing nights with Alex and how we’d reconnected and how neither of us had really addressed what it was we were doing. I spoke about the day of the funeral and how Alex’s attitude had change toward me and how I felt rejected, worrying that it might have been some kind of payback. I told Matt about the service and how moved I was, the sadness of it spilling into my own sadness. I told him how foolish I felt. I had tried to avoid this bullshit - yet here I was. Pathetic. Matt shook his head,
“Ahhhhh... How the mighty have fallen! Oh well it’s probably for the best.”
My anger flared, “What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.
“Oh nothing” he sighed as he gave me a loaded glance.
“Bullshit nothing, you can’t come in here and talk shit to me, explain yourself!” I spat through my tense jaw. My sadness had turned to anger.
“And there she is.” He smiled “There is the Lexi I know, the one I remember, the one who won’t take crap from anyone. So can you please explain to me why you are taking this from him?” I blinked at his response, he was right. I deserved an explanation. At the very least he would have to face me and admit that he had used me. I hugged Matt tightly. He knew me so well. He smiled as he realised his “tough love” tactic had worked.
“You’re lucky I didn’t kick you out, or kick your ass,” I joked, now resolved in my decision to face Alex.
“It was a chance I was willing to take.” He kissed my forehead. “Now go get a shower, I am going to try and see if you have any decent coffee in this place!” I practically ran to my bathroom, but not before picking up my phone.
The first call I made was to Chris. I apologized for my unplanned absence and assured her I was ready to come back. She was very understanding. I guess the fact the band were fairly inactive at the moment meant there was little for me to do anyway. I told her to email me any work I had missed over the last couple of days and that I would be on it. She promised she would and told me she was happy to have me back. Next I called Hannah who almost cried with relief when she heard my voice,
“Oh my God Lexi! You scared the hell out of me. After the way you were at the funeral, I didn’t know what to think! You wouldn’t talk to anyone! I hope you aren’t mad I called Matt?” She gushed. I felt bad for causing her unnecessary worry; Hannah was one person I never wanted to hurt.
“I’m sorry Han, I kind of lost myself for a bit but I’m back. No, I’m not mad you called Matt, I could never be mad at you. Thanks for caring about me. I’m not really used to people doing that” I volunteered.
“Of course I care! You’re family.” she sighed. I asked her about James and the baby and then finally about the band, she told me they had decided to try and cheer Alex up by having a get together at the house and they were on their way over. I told her not to tell anyone I was coming and that I would be there soon. She was excited that I seemed better and at the very least she would be able to make the assessment for herself once I got there in a few hours. I ended the call and climbed into my shower. Yep, it was going to be one hell of a surprise.
Matt let me drive his rental when I told him of my plan. I poked fun at the fact he was driving around in a tiny Ford Festiva. I asked him if he had left his testicles in Texas as well. “Thanks a lot smart ass. This is all they had on short notice. Besides - it’s New York City. There is nowhere in this place to park!”
I had pulled on my favourite jeans and a long sleeve, black fitted top, throwing on my leather biker jacket to brave the cold. There was no way I was going there looking like shit so I put extra time into making sure my hair and makeup was perfect. I pumped the radio up on the drive over, singing loudly (and most likely off key) - ready for a show down. The GPS directed me through the twists and turns until I was travelling down the familiar long drive way.
I saw Alex’s Maserati parked out front, as well as Troy’s prized (though comical) VW Baha beetle, Jason’s Mustang and Dan’s Mercedes SLK Class convertible. I took a deep breath as I parked the Festiva and studied my reflection in the mirror. I fixed the smile on my face as I stepped out of the car and walked to the front door. Hannah, who’d been waiting for me, opened the door before I got a chance to ring the bell.
“Lexi, I’m so glad you came! I’ve missed you.” She squeezed me tightly.
“I’ve missed you too Han. I’m sorry I worried you. I just needed a few days to get my head straight.” I hugged her back, glad I finally came to my senses.
“Come in, everyone’s in the game’s room! James and the boys are going to be so excited to see you,” she squealed with delight. Yes I wasn’t not so sure excited is what Alex was going to feel, but too freaking bad. One way or another I was walking out of here with answers. Hannah led me through the house; I could hear the animated conversation wafting down the hall.
She pulled me through the doorway and announced loudly “Look who stopped by!” The five faces turned to face me, James immediately welcomed me with a massive hug.
“Jesus, Lexi! Where have you been?” he asked as he slowly released me.
“Had some things that I needed to take care of, but I’m back and everything is back to normal.” I smiled as I fielded hugs from Troy and Jason.
Dan pulled a face at me before giving me his own “handsy” hug. “Just so you know, I’m on to you. Ain’t no way in hell you have never played pool before.” I laughed at the fact the events of the last few days had had no impact on him and he was more interested in the game at hand.
Alex stood fixed in his spot, his hand firmly around the pool cue as his eyes traced up and down the lines of my body. He shrugged as if discounting my presence and leant over the table to take his shot. My courage to gain closure grew as I walked over to where he was.
“I need to talk to you.” I hissed as I stood in front of the table, blocking his view.
“I’ve got nothing to say.” He mumbled as he tried to move me aside.
“I didn’t ask you if you had anything to say” I seethed, “I said I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.” I enunciated each word clearly as it spilled from my lips. The rest of the room turned to watch our exchange, confused and intrigued about what was taking place.
“Well then, there is nothing you can say that I want to hear,” he sneered as he moved me from the spot which was hindering his progression in the game.
“Well I don’t give a shit about what you want to hear and what you don’t want to hear. Because guess what? You are going to hear it anyway. I don’t know what those last few days meant to you but they were everything to me. I know I hurt you in the past and I’m sorry. I was trying to protect you and protect myself. I fell in love with you and I was scared and I should have told you but I didn’t. I fucked up and I lost you but I’ll be damned if that gives you permission to fuck me like I’m some whore and then discard me when you are done.” I took a breath as my adrenaline spiked. The room was silent as they l
ooked from Alex to me with expressions of shock and disbelief.
Alex looked at me, his eyes wide with surprise “You love me?” he asked searching my face for confirmation.
“Yes, I love you Asshole! Against my better judgement.” I snapped forgetting we had an audience. Alex moved, dropping his pool cue and pulled me into a passionate kiss.
“Oh baby I love you, God I’ve wanted to tell you for so long,” he breathed as his lips covered mine for a brief moment before I pushed him backwards.
“You don’t just get to kiss me, tell me you love me and everything is ok. Why did you push me away? I spent the night with you! Four nights! How could you walk away from that?” I demanded, desperately searching for some answers.
“Lexi, I didn’t know what to think. We never spoke about in the morning and I was worried I’d scare you off, I knew how the idea of being in a relationship scared you, and I didn’t want to lose you. I thought that you only stayed because you felt sorry for me because of my Dad. Even though I knew this, I was willing to take that, to be with you. Then the morning of the funeral when I saw your clothes on my bed... I... I couldn’t do it anymore. I realised that I want a relationship Lexi. I want to know that the woman who lays her clothes out on my bed is going to stick around. I want more. I want what my Dad and Mom had. I’ve loved you for so long and didn’t realise it, but right at that moment I knew that I couldn’t go on loving you if didn’t love me back. I thought the only way was a clean break; I couldn’t face burying my Dad pretending I was something I wasn’t. I’m done fucking around Lexi.” He gently placed his hands around my waist. “I’m sorry, I was an asshole, I thought I was doing the right thing. Every night I spent with you was amazing, you have no idea what it meant to me, knowing how much you hated spending the night but you did it anyway. Baby, no woman has ever done that for me.”