“These are not self inflicted,” she says, gently putting her hand on mine.
I jump back a little.
“You can tell me,” she declares.
Easier said than done. I can feel my body starting to shake but I remain silent. She sits back in her chair, clearly disappointed.
“Well, as your assigned therapist, I think it would be good for you to spend some time at a specialized hospital.”
I snap my head up.
“The fucking insane asylum?” My mouth blurts out.
“It’s a psychiatric hospital and I think that will be best for you,” she states.
“Do I have a choice?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“I think this is what is best for you and your family,” she repeats.
I roll my eyes.
“Whatever,” I say, crossing my arms.
As long as I don’t have to go home.
~
When I leave her office I begin to panic. What was I going to do now? The idea of the psychiatric hospital was making me nauseas. Fear of the unknown. When I get back to my room things move fast. Once Dr. Harris releases me I am asked to get dressed.
“I will be your attending physician over there as well, and I will be tracking your progress.”
“OK,” I say, feeling slightly more relaxed.
“Take care of yourself, Phoenix,” he says.
“Thanks, Dr. Harris.”
“Please, call me Neil,” he says with a smile. What’s with the special treatment?
I can’t help but return one.
“I’ll be seeing you soon, Phoenix,” he says, before leaving the room.
When I get outside, I am ushered into the back of an ambulance, my heart is racing. I’ve only ever seen psychiatric hospitals in movies before and they often looked more like haunted houses than actual hospitals. The ride over is short and before I know it, I am being taken in through the patient entrance.
I look around and become dazed. The hospital is quiet and it’s still dark out even though it is early morning. The person from the ambulance leaves me, a nurse from behind the counter greeting me.
“You must be Phoenix Harper?” she asks, sounding like she actually cares.
I nod, while swallowing the lump in my throat. I can feel my body shaking ever so slightly. Once I get signed in, I am ushered into a different room.
“Here we are,” a new lady says to me, handing me folded clothes. “This is what you are allowed to wear here. You can have some of your own clothing as long as they contain no strings.”
I almost ask her why but I catch myself. Strangulation. I stand in the middle of the room, realizing she isn’t going to leave. As I slowly start to undress, I begin to feel like a prisoner. I am not to be trusted. Once I’m changed, I’m moved into yet another room. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest any moment. After a few minutes, the woman leaves and in walks a man. The first thing I notice is his eyes. Even though they are hiding behind a pair of square framed glasses, I can see the electrifying green from behind them. And his smile…there are no words to describe how it makes me feel. A sensation I have never felt before now. My nerves instantly settle, the feeling unfamiliar to me. His demeanor has the same effect on me as Dr. Harris’. I stand there in my clothes, feeling extremely exposed due to their paper-like state.
“Good morning, Phoenix,” he says, setting the box down on the counter. He shifts on his feet. “I am just going to go through your belongings, to make sure everything is here for when you leave.”
I fold my arms around my torso, as though I am trying to comfort myself. He starts to pull out everything, his hands all over my stuff. I can feel my cheeks becoming warm, but then he picks up a certain item. The only thing that is mine. Something that hasn’t been tainted by anyone else. I reach up and touch my throat, not even realizing that they had taken it off at the hospital. A flash of my childhood comes across my mind.
~
The glow of the candles lights up the kitchen with a soft light. I can hear the rain bouncing off the roof and the tree tops swaying in the wind. Looking down at the cake in front of me, I can’t help but smile. It’s barely standing because the layers of the cake have started to slide apart. He spent all day in the kitchen making this for me, refusing to let me help at all. There was really only one problem.
“Dad, I’m turning 15, not 11,” I say, pointing to the number of candles on top of the cake.
He looks down at it.
“I know, I just didn’t get to store to buy more,” he says, with disappointment is his voice. I laugh.
“It’s ok, dad.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to invite anyone over? Pretty boring here with your old dad,” he says, elbowing me.
“No, I’m kinda enjoying it just being you and I…”
After I blow out the candles we both spend the next hour in the kitchen, eating cake and just talking. My father and I were always close. When we finish, I stand up and start stacking up the dishes. He reaches out, putting his hand on my forearm.
“We can do those later,” he says. “I want to give you your present, sweetie.”
“OK.”
We both get up from the table and head into the living room. On the coffee table is a small box, horribly wrapped I might add, with a bright pink bow on top. I walk over, sitting down on the couch waiting for my father to come. A few minutes later, he appears, a coffee mug in hand.
“Go ahead, sweetie,” he says, gesturing toward the package.
I lean over, grabbing it off the table. Sliding my fingers between the paper, I rip it open, the bow falling to the floor. Inside is a small jewelry box. I can tell it’s old by the yellow-tinted coloring of the box. Opening up the top I see a small golden chain. Lifting it up out the box, I now see the small heart pendant attached to it. Nelson walks over to me, sitting down beside me on the couch, gently taking it from me.
“It was my mother’s,” he starts.
Leaning his arms over my head, he puts it on me, clasping it in the back.
“I promised her when I had a daughter I would pass it on, but only when she responsible enough to take care of it.”
I could feel myself wanting to cry. Once it was on, I shifted back around to face him and we both remain silent for a second. He clears his throat.
“Well, I just wanted to tell you I am very proud of you, Phoenix, and what a wonderful woman you have become.”
“Come on, dad, you don’t have to be so…serious,” I say nudging him.
He sits upright, trying to regain his composure.
“I’m going to go get a refill, you want some?” he asks.
“I don’t think you are supposed to offer your 15 year old daughter coffee. Especially at nine o’clock at night.” I laugh.
“Oh, right,” he says, looking down at the cup.
I just stare at him for a few seconds.
“I love you, dad,” I say.
“Love you too, kiddo,” he says, a smile on his face.
~
I pull myself out of my memories, watching this boy clutch onto the thing most dear to me in his hands. I hold back the tears, turning my head to the side, hoping to hide my emotions from this stranger. He continues to pull out my items although there are very few since I wasn’t planning on living. He writes everything down on a piece of paper and then hands the clipboard to me.
“Please sign here.” He points.
Reaching out, I take the clipboard from him, my fingertips brushing across his briefly. It’s now that I can really see his face. His dark brown hair and his strong jaw line. His beautiful lips. I read over what he has written and my heart instantly races. I look up at him, thoroughly upset.
“I can’t keep any of this with me?” I say loudly.
A look of guilt comes on his face.
“I’m afraid not,” he says.
“Why, because I’m gonna use it to fucking kill myself?” I cry out, grabbing the necklace off
the table.
“It’s for your own safety,” he says softly.
Reaching out, he puts his hand on mine, trying to pry it gently from my fingertips. At our first full contact the hair on my arm stands up, goose bumps following shortly. A single tear starts to fall and all I feel is my body fall, my vision gone.
Chapter 8
Braeden
When I grabbed her hand, the feeling I felt was indescribable. I felt every emotion imaginable. Fear. Pain. Happiness. Sadness.
It was almost as though her emotions were flowing from her to me. There’s something different about this girl. Something that just draws you in.
When she fainted I caught her in my grasp, making sure that her delicate body didn’t hit the floor. Scooping her up in my arms I could tell that she was incredibly light, even for how small she is. As I walked down the hall with her in my arms I moved at a slow pace, almost as thought I was afraid I would wake her. She looked so peaceful. When I set her atop her bed I pulled the covers up and over her.
“Sleep tight, Phoenix,” I whisper.
After I made my last rounds before my shift was over, I found myself at Rain and Phoenix’s room. Standing outside the door, I push it open slowly. Rain’s bed is empty, not something out of the ordinary. Looking to the bed on the left, I see a mass, her entire body covered by the blankets. My feet move me forward and I am now standing over her, watching her back rise and fall. Great, now I’m a fucking stalker?
After a few minutes, I lean even more over her, noticing that tears are falling from her eyes even though they are closed. I hear her mutter something a couple times and then her eyes snap open.
“What do you want? Do you have my necklace?” she asks harshly.
“I can’t give it to you, you know that,” I respond softly.
I actually feel guilty telling her no. In a flash, she reaches up, grabbing my glasses off my face, throwing them hard into the opposite wall. I hear them crack. She rolls back over, pulling the covers back over herself.
“Leave me alone,” she says, her voice muffled by the blanket.
Stepping away from her bed, I walk over, picking up what is left of my glasses. I look back at her once more before leaving the room.
~
Rubbing my eyes, I glance up at the clock, thankful to see it has finally reached seven. Running my hands through my hair, I put my foot on the step of the trash can, dumping the shards of my glasses in and quickly release my foot to let the trash can lid slam shut. I stand there, just staring at it.
A push on my shoulder snaps me out of my trance. I look over, seeing someone standing next to me, the person holding out something to me.
“Thank you,” I say, opening the envelope, making sure all the cash was there.
“Yup,” Bret responds.
“Did you buy milk?” I ask him.
He just looks at me, a dumbfounded expression on his face. I roll my eyes.
“I’ll pick some up on the way home,” I mutter.
I look up at the clock again.
“Who are you covering for?” I ask, knowing this is not his usual shift.
“Daniel needed to go to some family bullshit,” he says, rolling his eyes.
“Oh,” I say.
“Did we get any new basket cases in last night?” he asks.
A wave of anger flows through my veins. A man like him shouldn’t be working here.
“Yeah, we got a new girl, room eight,” I say softly.
He perks his eyebrow up, his mood changing.
“Well, I’m off…guess I’ll see you at home,” I say before leaving to head to the staff room. Pulling open my locker, I hang up my ID tag and pull my book down from the shelf, stuffing it into my bag. Throwing the bag over my chest, I head out the back door into the open air. The wind has picked up, making it even colder. I start to make my way home. The early-morning streets are busy with people getting to work, everyone coming and going in all directions. I contemplate taking the bus but I know it will just be more crowded.
I continue to walk, happy when I round Market Street because that meant home was not far off. While waiting for the crosswalk to change, I look over at a small café with a young brunette sitting outside reading a book. My mind instantly turns to Phoenix. Her face when I refused to give back her necklace. The feeling when her fingers delicately grazed my hand. I can’t explain this feeling.
The sound of beeping reaches my ear and I look up, the crosswalk sign blinking orange. I go to jump off the curb when a piece of paper being blows across the street wraps around my ankle. I kick my leg out as I run across the crosswalk trying to shake it loose but can’t seem to make it budge.
When I get to the other side of the street, I reach down and peel off the paper. I stride over to the nearest trashcan, planning to toss it instead of letting it clutter the streets, but I stop. I take time to really look at the folded piece of paper, noticing the drawing on the front. It’s a hand-sketched heart, cracking down the middle. There are nails stuck in it and the cracks are repaired by stitches, but there were more cracks opening in another spot. Something about the drawing moves me and I continue to stare at it. I can feel the pain behind the drawing. Looking around me, I slide the paper in my pocket, heading into the small corner store near the apartment.
Walking into the back, I pull open the door, grabbing a gallon of milk and head up to the register, but not before stopping off in the cookie and cracker aisle. With my head still facing forward, I grab the colorful rectangular box, a sly smile on my face in the process. Definitely need these today. I make it to the cash register and put my things up on the counter.
“Morning.” The cashier smiles and starts to ring up my purchases. “There’s going to be a shortage of these if you keep eating them like you do.”
I just smile, shaking my head lightly. I pull out some cash, handing it to him.
“Hey, how is your daughter’s strep throat?” I ask him.
“Much better. Please tell your father thank you for getting her an appointment so quick,” he says.
“Will do.” I smile. “Well. I’ll be seeing you around.” I wave back to him.
Pushing the store door open I step back into the cold, sliding the milk carton into my bag. I hold the other box in my hand by its string, feeling like a child again.
When I reach our apartment building, I opt to take the elevator instead of the stairs, my body beyond exhausted from the long shift. Sliding my keys into the front door, I open it, shut and lock it behind me. I turn around, sighing immediately. Our apartment looks like a tornado went through it, shit everywhere.
“Fucking Bret,” I mutter under my breath.
Walking over to the fridge, I put the milk in it, immediately turning around and head to my room. Sliding my backpack off, I place it on the back of my desk chair and plop my body down on my bed, not bothering to change out of my scrubs. Reaching over, I grab the box of crackers from my bedside, sliding my fingers underneath the tab, opening it slowly. I grab a cracker, checking to see what animal it is. Giraffe.
I bite the head off first, something I’ve done with every cracker since as far back as I can remember. I always use to say it was so they couldn’t feel the pain. I laugh at the notion. I eat a few more crackers before closing the box. Setting it on my nightstand, I continue to lie on the bed, staring at the ceiling. After only a few minutes I find myself having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I fall into a deep sleep, my body trying to make up the deficit that I have accumulated over the week of working double shifts. My body may be asleep, but my mind, however, is not.
~
“MOM!” I shout when I enter the house, clutching onto a piece of paper in my hands.
I pull my backpack off, hanging it on the hook by the front door. Looking around the house, I see no sign of her. Turning around I look up at my dad who is just walking in the front door.
“I’m sure she is just somewhere where she can’t hear us,” he assures, ushering me to head upstair
s.
“You go check up there and I will check the backyard. I know she wanted to pick some of the vegetables from the garden.”
“OK!” I say, fleeing up the stairs as though this is a game of hide and seek.
I head immediately into their bedroom.
“Moooommmm!” I shout again, waiting for her to pop around the corner at any moment. “I got an A on my spelling test!” I say, waving the piece of paper in the air.
But there is nothing but silence. Shrugging, I head back downstairs, pulling open the slider to the backyard. Hoping down the granite steps, I make my way around the pool side, trying to see my dad down in the garden. I can see the white of his doctor’s coat, the sun shining off his dirty blond hair. I stand up on my tippy toes to see if she is with him. She isn’t. When he reaches me, he gives me a soft smile, but I can tell something is not right.
“Why don’t you go inside and start your homework, I’m sure she just went out for fresh air,” he says, squeezing my shoulder.
“OK,” I respond, turning around to head back into the house.
Walking over to the fridge, I put my test in a clip on the fridge. I grab my backpack, set it down on the kitchen table, and pull out my workbook. When I get halfway through the first page, something pops in my head. The shed.
I fly up out of my chair, still in hide-and-seek mode. I run back outside and across the yard, reaching the shed in record time. Grabbing the door handle, I pull open the door. The inside is dark due to the lack of windows. Fumbling around on the wall, I find the light switch. After the lights flicker on there is no sound, except for the shrill of my screams. It’s her. Her delicate body gently swaying, her feet not touching the ground.
~
My body jolts, waking me up instantly. There are beads of moisture on my brow, my scrubs damp from night sweats. I rub my eyes, not affected by my dream, it’s one that I have constantly. I guess it’s more of a memory than a dream. Shifting over, I look at the clock. Four o’clock in the afternoon.
I groan, grabbing my phone out of my bag. I dial Donovan’s number to see what the plan is for tonight. It rings a few times, eventually leading to his voicemail. I decide to not leave a message. Setting the phone back down, I pull my body off the bed and head to the shower.
A Brand New Ending Page 3