Reaching down I pick it up and hold it between my fingers. I smile, remembering when my father used to give me Eskimo kisses whenever we would pass underneath it. I find the tape and climb up on top of the couch, reaching up to attach it to the archway. Just as I climb back down, Braeden comes around the corner, two mugs in hand. He smiles at me, obviously not seeing the mistletoe. He hands me one of the mugs and I reach out with a shaky hand.
“I know it will never be as good as your father’s…” he says, taking a sip.
Looking down I realize what he is talking about. He made me hot chocolate. I fight back the tears, so many memories flooding through me. The record changes songs, the melody recognizable. I look over at Braeden, his hands gripping the handle of his cup tight.
Taking a sip of my hot chocolate, I close my eyes, almost feeling the snow crunching under my feet. When I open them again, Braeden is no longer at my side. I look around the room, making out his figure far off, moments later the entire room lighting up in all colors of the rainbow. It’s so beautiful I fight even harder to not let the tears fall. Braeden returns to my side.
“It’s so beautiful,” I whisper.
“Yes it is,” he answers, but his eyes are not facing forward.
Taking another sip of my hot cocoa, I look up once more at the mistletoe, Braeden’s eyes following mine. My heart skips a beat, a lump in my throat forms. Leaning forward, I place my lips on Braeden’s cheek, feeling the warmth of his skin on my lips, it makes me inhale deeply.
Pulling away quickly, I notice that Braeden’s face has no emotion. A flash of panic flows through me, feeling as though I have just made a grave mistake. I can’t form words, my body in panic mode. Before Braeden has time to say anything, I turn around abruptly, the hot chocolate spilling over the mug’s edge and burning my hand slightly.
Chapter 16
Braeden
I stand there, holding onto my mug, my palms sweaty. When “All I Want for Christmas” came on the record player, I panicked internally. Looking down at her, I have never seen a more beautiful person on this planet. It’s amazing how far she has come in the short amount of time. Donovan’s words swirl around in my head, diverting my attention between her and my fucked-up mind.
“It’s so beautiful,” I hear her say beneath her breath, taking me out of my trance.
“Yes, it is,” I say, unable to hold the words back.
Looking over at her, I see her eyes shift to the ceiling, confusing me. I follow, finally noticing the small batch of mistletoe now hanging from the entryway. I swear my heart skipped numerous beats. Mere seconds later, I feel her lips on my cheek, her skin delicate, that feeling of when we first touched even stronger, now flowing through me. And just as fast as it started, it was over. The sound of sloshing reaches my ears. The feeling leaves me, making me open my eyes. She is gone, nowhere in sight. She’s not a figment of your imagination. Setting my mug down, I sprint after her, reaching her just as she gets to her bedroom door.
“Phoenix,” I breathe out, wanting to touch her shoulder but I refrain. She turns halfway around to face me, her hand still on the door handle.
“Goodnight, Braeden,” she says no emotion on her face.
“Sweet dreams,” I respond.
She pushes open the door, slipping into the dark abyss. I stand there for a few seconds, not knowing what to feel.
~
When I make it back to my apartment, I am relieved that it’s empty, only god knows where Bret is at this hour. Placing my bike against my bedroom wall, I plop down on the bed, my body in both an exhaustive and contented state. I lay there for what seems like an eternity. My mind going over anything and everything it can remember. The way her hair shined underneath the lights of the Christmas tree. The way her delicate fingers placed each ornament on the branches. The way each one of her scars stood out like a bright star in the sky, each a symbol of her survival. Lying in my bed, I think about everything. Every moment since Phoenix Harper came into my life. Was Donovan right? Was I trying to save her because I was too late for my mother? Perhaps she is too late to save. I hear my front door creak open, not wanting to deal with his bullshit at the moment.
I remain lying in my bed, hoping that if I don’t move he won’t notice me in the dark room. The footsteps stop outside my door. Seconds later I am blinded by light, something being thrown at my stomach.
“Figured you could use these,” I hear Donovan say. Reaching down, I pick up the box of animal crackers that are now at my side.
“Thanks,” I say, sliding my body up so that I am now leaning against my pillows.
Donovan jogs from my doorway, bouncing his massive form onto my bed.
“Dude get off my bed,” I mutter as I open the box.
“Fuck you, man, I’m beat,” he says, rolling over onto his back. We both lay there, only the sound of me eating apparent.
“So how’d it go?” he asks. I pop a few more crackers in my mouth.
“Fine,” I mutter. He turns over to face me, his hand holding his chin up.
“That’s all you’re going to say?” he say, clearly not satisfied by my answer. He just flutters his eyelashes, obviously not wavering.
“She kissed me,” I say, trying to hide the smile. Donovan shoots upwards, bouncing on my bed with his knees.
“Stop it!” I say as the crackers are being flung across my bed.
He picks one up from the bed, popping it in his mouth, spitting it out immediately.
“Shit tastes like cardboard,” he says, wiping his tongue on his shirt.
“More for me then,” I say, recollecting them all. He is now at my side, his back against the pillows as well.
“You are too close for comfort,” I say, leaning away from him.
“You are clearly not comfortable with your sexuality,” he responds. “Just tell me what the fuck happened.”
“I told you, she kissed me,” I state, stopping there.
“Wow,” he states. “I thought for sure you were going to tonsil attack her first.”
I roll my eyes.
“It’s not like that with her.”
“It’s not?” he asks.
I sigh.
“I feel protective of her. Plus it was just on the cheek,” I correct. Donovan pauses before responding.
“I’m sure that was a big risk for her,” he says. “I mean, I didn’t even touch her and she flipped. The fact that she touched you, actually touched you. That means something.”
I hadn’t even thought about it.
“Yeah, well, I’m sure our supervisor is going to enjoy seeing that on the security camera,” I state.
“Nah, I wouldn’t worry about that,” he responds, a crooked smile on his face.
I furrow my brow at him.
“I turned the camera angle when I was brining in the tree, pretty sure it was pointed straight at the ceiling for about four hours.”
I almost fly off the bed, wanting to give him a hug but I contain myself, realizing how incredibly fucking awkward that would be.
“Thanks, man,” I say, nodding my head.
“Anytime,” he responds. “But just be careful, I can’t always be doing shit like that.” I just nod. We both fall silent again.
“So, I have to ask, why her? There has got to be more to her than just her being a suicide patient,” Donovan states.
“I don’t really know,” I respond, pondering the question. “Ever since she got her, she has never left my mind. Whether I wanted her there or not,” I continue.
Donovan puts his fist under his chin looking like a child at story time. I laugh lightly.
“When I first met Phoenix in the admittance room, she looked terrified, her eyes barely looking past the hair. At that point, she was just another patient. Just another lost cause.” I pause. “But when we touched, it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was like I felt everything she felt. I felt her pain and suffering. I wanted nothing more than to take it all away. To make her happy.”
>
I stop again, wondering if I should continue on. It feels oddly relieving to talk about this.
“So, you’re like her guardian angel?” Donovan asks.
I laugh.
“I don’t know.” I put my hands to my face, rubbing my eyes. “God, I’ve gone completely mental,” I mutter to myself. We are both quiet for a while. “I just want to show her that her life is worth living, that she can’t let her past dictate her future.”
“No one better to show her than you,” Donovan states. I just give him a crooked smile.
“Do you want to go grab a drink?” he asks, now bouncing up and off the bed.
“I’ve had a long-ass day. I think I’m just gonna stay in for tonight,” I state.
“Alright,” he says, heading towards the door before stopping. “Oh yeah, I meant to ask you, since Phoenix was admitted after we took present requests, you got any ideas on what to get her?”
I sit there, it only taking a second for me to think of something.
“Yeah, I’ll take care of it.”
“Cool, well, are you gonna be coming tomorrow night for the feast?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m working a double shift,” I explain. Donovan winks at me before exiting my room.
~
The buzzing of my alarm clock reaches my ears, my body exhausted but ecstatic. I didn’t do much after my shift, most of it was spent in my room until the day reached its end, the sunset now at sunrise. Pulling my covers off, I spring up out of bed, throwing on a new pair of scrubs. The ride over to the hospital is hasty, not wanting to spend a moment away, excited to see what today will bring me. The hospital is lively. I put my things away, wanting to start my shift as soon as possible.
Knowing that I have to get actual work done, I do my duties first, hoping that I will have some downtime later on when the Christmas Eve dinner is being prepped. But not much to my liking, the afternoon drags on, making every minute without seeing her unbearable. Looking down at my list of duties, I notice that today I have to change the sheets in every patient’s room. I don’t know if I am happy or nervous. I have changed patients sheets thousands of time without a second thought, but hers, it seems intrusive.
Grabbing a few sets of clean ones, I make my way to her room, hesitating at the closed door. When I push it open, she is nowhere to be found.
“She’s out for a walk,” I hear Rain say, her figure coming out from the bathroom. “I think she had quite a night last night.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, suddenly worried.
“I’m pretty sure you were there.” She laughs.
I’m an idiot.
“Oh,” I respond. “Did she say anything about it?”
“She doesn’t need to.” Rain smiles. “She didn’t sleep much though; she tossed and turned for quite some time.”
I quickly make way of changing the beds before leaving the room. As I head back to my station, I look behind me, making sure that no one is following me. I stop at a door, sliding my key into the knob and push it open, making sure it latches behind me.
~
The sun is now starting to set, the lights of the city around us coming on. Grabbing my coat I go out into the courtyard, knowing that she hasn’t come back in. Once I get outside, even with a coat on I can feel the cold air through it. I spot her immediately, her arms wrapped around herself, her long brown hair whipping in the wind. I make my way over to her slowly, hoping not to startle her. I notice that she is wearing nothing but a thin pair of pants and a t-shirt.
“If you stay out here any longer you may freeze,” I say quietly.
She turns just her head to face me.
“I like it out here.” She smiles.
“Aren’t you cold?” I ask.
She just shrugs. “I’ve felt worse.”
“I can only imagine,” I mutter. She turns to fully face me.
“I’m sure you can’t,” she says harshly.
Looking to my side to see if anyone is near, I take a step towards her, ending up only mere inches from her.
“Just because I’m not a patient here doesn’t mean I haven’t felt pain,” I snap, not being able to stop the words from leaving my mouth. Things fall silent. “You don’t know anything about me, Phoenix.”
She looks down at her feet. I’ve clearly upset her.
“I’m sorry,” I say, trying to back track. She brings her head up.
“No, I’m sorry,” she says. “And you’re right, I don’t know you. We’ve talked plenty enough about me though.”
“I’m not that interesting,” I say. Her face falls into a frown.
“I’m sure that’s not true,” she states, biting her lip gently.
“It will take me hell of a lot longer than the five minutes we have, to explain my life.”
“Will you promise to tell me about it one day?” she asks.
“Someday.” I smile crookedly.
I look back into the windows of the hospital, seeing everyone getting ready to eat.
“I think your dinner is being served, you should probably get in there, and Rain is waiting for you.”
She goes to walk around me, but I match her.
“I don’t mean to scare you,” I sputter.
“You don’t scare me,” she says lightly. I look down at my hand.
“It’s, uh, accustomed that the hospital gives presents to the patients.”
I pull something out of my pants pocket. I swallow hard before I speak again.
“And, while it may be totally against hospital policy and I can get my ass fired for this, I think this is something you should have.”
I hold it out to her, it sitting delicately in the palm of my hand.
Chapter 17
Phoenix
I can’t do anything but stare. The gold chain flickers in the moonlight. He’s giving me my necklace back? The tears threaten to fall and as much as I fight, I lose. The warm liquid flows down my frozen cheeks.
Reaching out, I take it delicately in my hands, feeling as though it may crumble from my fingertips at any moment.
“But why?” I ask, knowing stuff like this is forbidden.
“Because I know how important things like this can be,” he says with a twinge of pain behind his voice.
“Thank you so much,” I repeat.
“You’re welcome. I’m afraid that you can’t wear it though. Technically patients can’t have something that they can…” he stops mid sentence.
“…hurt themselves with,” I finish for him. He just nods.
“I promise,” I say while nodding. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”
“I’m glad that I can bring you happiness, Phoenix,” he says. “Well, you better get in there.”
“OK.” That desire builds up again, the same feeling as last night. When I reach the door, I turned back around.
“Just remember, you promised,” I say.
He nods.
I give him a large smile before entering back into hospital, clutching the necklace in my hand. I sit down at the table, the smell in the kitchen is nothing short of incredible. With Rain at my side, I feel content. Happy.
As we eat, I get small glimpses of Braeden as he walks by, his eyes always finding mine. The feeling of anxiety is now replaced with excitement. I eat everything on my plate, not having had a real Christmas Eve dinner since I moved from my father’s to San Francisco after his death.
“Someone was hungry,” I hear Rain say, her eyes on my now empty plate. I just smile at her.
As I sit around watching everyone else eat, I look at the tree that Braeden and I put up and it makes me smile. My eyes then look up at the mistletoe, my smile falling when I notice it is not longer there. I drop my eyes downward, looking at the hair now standing up on my arms. Something subconsciously tells me to look up again and out through the kitchen windows into the direction of the nurses’ station. That’s when I see him. Them.
I snap my eyes away from his, my heart beating so fast th
at I fear I may pass out. I remain seated in my chair, every muscle in my body locked. My eyes looking. Searching. I finally spot him outside another window, his back now facing me. It takes everything in my power to not scream out his name, the notion of that even scaring me. I start to gnaw on my lip so hard that a warm, metallic taste reaches the tip of my tongue within seconds. Braeden isn’t turning around and it makes me even more frustrated. I search out for someone else, anyone at this point.
I look to my left, the chair next to me empty. I hadn’t even noticed she left. Tears start to well up and they cloud my vision. The forcefulness of the tears becomes too great; a slow drop runs down my cheek. I try to peer through the window again, realizing that I have lost sight of them, not knowing if they are still here or not. I feel so helpless. Alone. And the thing is, I’m surrounded by people. The only place I thought I felt safe can’t even keep the fear away. Shifting my eyes around the table, all the other patrons are absorbed in their food, no one seems to notice my frightened state. No one ever noticed. Not here. Not ever.
I look over at Braeden again. This time his eyes are on me, not moving anywhere else in the slightest. He’s clearly noticed my anxiety and all I can do is shift my eyes in the direction of the nurse’s station, hoping that Braeden has picked up mind reading since I last talked to him. My body is trembling, the wooden chair creaking slightly with each quiver. Braeden remains fixated on me until a figure steps in front of him, a white doctor’s coat taking up most of my peripheral vision, essentially blocking any and all views of him. I remain locked in a stare, not knowing what else to do.
A large crash reaches my ears, making me jump in my chair, and clutch my chest. Peeling my eyes away from the window, I see two aides wrestling a patient to the ground. I take in all the food that is now thrown across that end of the table, pieces of porcelain plate joining them. I secretly thank my lucky stars for the distraction. All eyes are on the unruly patient, giving me a chance to leave the room unnoticed. Reaching up slowly but keeping my eyes focused upwards, I run my fingers along my silverware. Feeling the curvature of the spoon, the triple prongs of the fork. The small jagged blade of the knife. Wrapping my fingers around the handle, I continue to look upward, waiting for someone to stop me. Someone to rip it out of my hand. But they don’t. The metal of the knife is cool against my clammy palms as I drag it towards me. I know what I am doing is wrong, but having it on me feels…safe. The knife is incredibly dull, but it will do.
A Brand New Ending Page 7