I shake my head.
“I can’t talk about it,” I respond. “Not yet.”
His face relaxes.
“OK,” he responds. “Do you promise one day?”
I smile slightly.
“I promise.” We both fall silent again, I shift my eyes around.
“I don’t even know what I am doing,” I admit. “I’ve never…is this even allowed?”
He shakes his head.
“It is strongly against hospital policy,” he says, it making me nervous.
“I can’t let you take that risk,” I say shaking my head. “Plus you barely even know me.” He looks down, his hand fidgety.
“I would risk a lot more than my job if it meant I got the spend time with you, Phoenix,” he says.
My heart swells, so many emotions flowing through my body at this moment. Before I know it, a tear starts to stream down my cheek. Braeden reaches out, hovering his hand in front of my face. Waiting. I stare at it, my heart racing. I lean in slightly, his finger coming into contact with my cheek, the tip of his finger brushing the path of the tear, wiping it away in its entirety. His touch is soft, the feeling foreign to me. It still amazes me how much I am at ease with him. While he makes me nervous, I feel different.
“You are beautiful, Phoenix,” he says as he wipes it away, then moving his hand away slowly.
Those words coming out of his mouth have a thousand times more impact. I stand there, staring at him. Amazed that this beautiful creature has come into my life. Like I was handed my very own knight in shining armor. My savior. I sit down on the bench in the nearby corner, all the emotions still running through me, feeling as though I will wake up from this dream at any moment. Braeden sits down beside me, both of us silent, watching the traffic and people go by. He speaks again.
“Today’s the anniversary,” he speaks. I look over at him confused.
“What?” I ask softly.
“The day my mother died,” he says. My heart drops.
“I’m so sorry, Braeden,” I respond.
“I had completely forgotten,” he says as he runs his hands through his hair. I don’t know how to respond.
“To be honest, I am surprised that I hadn’t received a call from my father,” he adds.
“Maybe he didn’t want to upset you,” I say.
“Maybe,” he mutters.
“How long has it been?” I ask.
“16 years,” he declares. My eyes widen.
“It still hurts huh?” I say, more as a statement then a question. He turns to look at me.
“Like the day it happened.”
“Were you close?” I ask, wanting more information. Wanting to know as much as I can about him.
“Very,” he explains. “Our whole family was.” I can now feel his pain behind his tone of voice. “Well, that was before she decided to leave us.”
I furrow my brow at him. “Decided?” I squeak out.
“She took her own life, Phoenix,” he says, his eyes now looking off in the distant. Involuntarily my hands fly to my mouth.
“I am so sorry, Braeden,” I say behind my fingertips.
“It’s not your fault,” he says. “It was a long time ago.”
Something inside me wants to reach out and comfort him, that idea scaring me. He looks down at his watch, his body straightening.
“I have to go,” he says to me.
“OK,” I respond.
“Do you want me to walk you back?” he asks.
“I would like that.”
We both stand up. We walk side by side, our bodies closer together than before. Our arms swing side by side, his finger tips grazing mine every so often. I can’t hold back the smile on my face. When we get closer to the back door Braeden drops back behind me a little. Looking up, I notice the security cameras around the back doors. Always being watched. Walking up the back steps, Braeden shuts the door behind us. He steps beside me.
“I’m sorry, that was a lot to unload at you at once,” he says softly.
“It’s fine.” I smile.
“Well, I have to go, but I will be back tomorrow night,” he says.“OK,” I say, a little disappointed.
“Have a good day, Phoenix,” he says, sounding as though he wants to say more.
“Bye, Braeden.”
He starts to walk away from me, a sight I am beginning to not enjoy. When he is out of view, I go sit down on the couch, our whole conversation running though my head. I feel a range of emotions. Happy. Nervous. Scared. I had never had a…boyfriend before. Is that even what he is?
After a few minutes I stand up and walk over to the window, knowing that I will be able to see him leave, part of me wanting one last glance. Moments later, I see him, his uniform now covered up with a jacket, his hair sticking up in every direction. I can’t help but smile when I see him leave. When he gets to the curb, my smile instantly disappears.
A tall figure with long red hair runs up to Braeden, her arms wrapping around his neck, her lips on his within seconds. I instantly become sick to my stomach, running from the window, needing to get away. When I make it to our room I fly into the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. For once I am grateful that Rain is no where around. When my stomach stops heaving and there is nothing left to throw up, I reach up, pulling the handle on the toilet, slamming to lid shut.
All the happiness I had been feeling moments prior are gone, a confusing emotion replacing it. I begin to cry, the tears falling fast. Holding onto my knees I rock back and forth, replaying the same image in my mind over and over. How could I be so stupid? What would he ever want with someone like me when he has someone like her? I scramble up off the bathroom floor, heading into my closet. I find the sweatshirt, unrolling it until the metal of the knife appears. Throwing the sweatshirt onto the floor, I hold the knife in my hand. My chest is heaving up and down, my head light. Tears start to flow, knowing I would end up here again. Lowering the knife, I press it to my skin, the blue veins in my wrist pulsing. I drag slowly, the first pass not breaking the skin.
I feel as though I may vomit again, but I press on. Flashes of him come across my mind but I immediately dismiss them. The second pass is a little harder, but the skin refuses to break. I scream out in frustration. I quickly do it again, using all my might, a sight of red coming into view. I smile. It will all be over soon. I hear a loud bang, the door to the closet flying open. Rain is standing in the doorway, tears rolling down her face. I drop the knife instantly, realizing what I’ve just done. I have people that care about me now. But then her body is moved to the side abruptly, a massive form coming at me. I start to panic, seeing Carl’s face coming at me. I scramble to my feet, the room spinning.
“Stay away from me!” I scream.
I can feel his hands on me, the feeling making me nauseous. I start swinging my arms around, hitting everything and anything I can. I kick my legs out with all my force, it coming into contact with the figure multiple times. Moments later, I can no longer move my arms and legs, my body weightless. I can feel multiple hands on me now, my body still trying to fight. I try to wiggle out of their holds but it is useless. I don’t know how much time passes, it feels like an eternity. I feel my body being raised and lowered, but I keep using all my energy I have left to try to free myself. And then my mind and body goes black.
Chapter 20
Braeden
Just as I reach outside the parameter of the hospital, I feel something slam into me. Before I even have time to react her lips are on mine. I panic, reaching up and pulling her body away from mine, our lips detaching.
“What’s up, lover?” she says smiling.
“Wh…What are you doing here?” I ask, clearly confused by her presence.
“I wanted to see you,” she says. “Plus it isn’t really hard to find the retard hospital. Are you ready for round two?” A large smile comes across her face.
“No,” I say sternly, still holding her away from me. “That was a one-time
thing.” She gives me a fake pout.
“You seemed to enjoy yourself at the time.”
I let out a big sigh.
“It was…fun,” I lie. “But I don’t feel anything for you.”
“What the fuck ever, Harris,” she huffs. “When the hell did you get so fucking boring?”
I just sigh, knowing I won’t get anywhere with her. When I make it clear that we aren’t and never will be anything she turns around and leaves. I knew that was a fucking mistake. I look back at the hospital into the recreation room window, a soft light illuminating from it. I start walking down the block, the sound of thunder reaching my ears. I walk a few blocks but then abruptly stop.
“Fuck,” I mutter to myself, remembering my text book on the table.
I turn around and head back to the hospital, getting their quickly in fear that it may start to rain soon. Pulling open the back door, I step inside, shouting and hollering reaching my ears instantly. Life as a medical aid is unpredictable, especially when it came to mentally impaired patients, times of chaos not exactly a rarity. I go into the break room, my book sitting in the same spot that I had left it. I grab it, sliding it into my backpack and exit the room.
When I finish zipping up my backpack, I look up, my feet frozen in place. In front of me is a mob of aides carrying Phoenix. Her body is thrashing about, her left arm dripping with blood. I instantly feel sick to my stomach. I want to run up to them and scream for them to get her hands off of her. I want to soothe her. But I know I can’t. Just as soon as I see them, they are gone. I almost feel as though it was all my imagination. I had just left her. She was happy. I was happy. Even though they are out of sight, my legs still protest to move. There is now no one else in the hallway, it extremely quiet. After a few minutes I begin to inch forward slowly, knowing exactly where they have taken her. When I come around the bend, my body slams into a hurrying figure.
“Braeden, what are you doing here?” he asks.
“I should ask you the same thing,” I say.
“I came by to drop something off,” he responds. “And then…” he stops.
“What happened?” I sternly ask.
“She’s OK,” he says.
“That’s not what I asked.”
“They called a Code Green.” Psychiatric emergency.
A lump in my throat appears, trying to swallow all my emotions.
“So she’s…” I ask. He nods slowly.
“She’s restrained but she’s fine. We gave her a shot of Ativan to calm her down. The cut on her arm isn’t deep and she didn’t hit any main veins.”
I let out the large breath that I didn’t know I was holding in. He puts his hand on my shoulder.
“I know this is hard for you, son, but there is nothing you can do for her. You need to go home and get some sleep.”
“No,” I say sternly.
“Braeden,” he says, his voice demanding. “Go. You’ve been on duty all night. Phoenix is surrounded by people who know what she needs and how to take care of her. I know she’s a special patient for you, but you need to go home.”
I feel sick to my stomach, wanting to be near her, a selfish part of me thinking this wouldn’t have happened while I was on shift. I would have kept more of a watch on her. But would I be able to restrain her?
“I promise to keep you updated,” he says.
I turn around, much to my dismay, and head back down the hallway. Worried. Sick. Angry. But before I get too far, I turn around back to face my father.
“Did you know it was today?” I ask.
He nods. I don’t say anything else before heading down the hallway and out the back door. When I make it back outside the rain has started to fall, the small drops seeping into my clothing, soon reaching my bare skin underneath. I couldn’t care less.
I stand outside the employee entrance of the hospital, staring at the door, the only thing blocking me from running back inside. The scene replays in my mind over and over. Hands all over her, the way the blood streaked down her arm like a flowing river. I had never felt a surge of anger like that. Anger at myself. Anger at those touching her, even knowing full well they were only there to protect her. Protect her from what she had done.
I replay our last encounter in my head, a weight being lifted off my shoulder when I told her how I felt about her. And not only did she not run away screaming, she confessed the same to me. That was the first time in a long time my heart felt…hope. I don’t know what that meant for us, how would this work? Many questions came to my mind, but no matter the question, the answer was always the same. We will find a way.
I think tonight marked the first night I didn’t want to leave my shift. I wanted to talk to her, get to know her more. Stare at her beautiful face for hours. But I knew that if I stuck around things would become more suspicious, a small part of me thought Victor already has his suspicions. As I continue to stand there in the rain, my entire body is now soaked, my scrubs wet against me like a second skin. But I don’t care. I stay where I am, squinting as my eyes are being bombarded with rain drops. If I can’t be in the room, I can at least be near her. After an unknown amount of time, the back door flies open, startling me out of the trance.
“What the fuck are you doing out here?” the figure standing in the doorway asks.
“I….I…” I start to say, not able to complete a sentence.
The figure steps down, pulling up its hood up and over its head. He walks over under the awning, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.
“Will you please just come the hell out of the rain,” he says. “You look like a drowned rat.”
I start to make my way over to him, leaning against the building wall. He hands me the cigarette, and I take a long draw from it before handing it back. I don’t usually smoke, but this night calls for it. Looking out at the passing traffic, I slowly let the smoke leave my lungs, mixing into the rainy air. Donovan doesn’t saying anything else. I suspect he is waiting for me to break first. It only takes a matter of seconds.
“I feel like I’m going to fucking throw up,” I say, my nerves still getting the better part of me.
Donovan takes another puff, handing it back to me. Each draw relaxes me a little.
“Just relax, man, you flipping out isn’t gonna help the situation.”
“You have no idea how much strength it’s taking me to not barge back through that door,” I state. He turns to face me.
“You care for her right?” I nod. “And you want what’s best for her right?” I nod again. “Then you need to stay away. Her mind is obviously not in its best state right now.”
“You sound like my father,” I mutter.
I notice that the cigarette is at its end and I flick the butt out, the tip snuffed out in the rain in seconds.
“Well, he’s right.”
We both fall silent again, the sound of raindrops hitting the roof overtakes the stillness. I notice that he is shaking his head slightly, his face lost in thought.
“What?” I ask.
“I guess I know how you kind of feel,” he admits.
“In what way?” I ask confused. He hesitates. “Just tell me.”
“I don’t know, man,” he starts. “I mean we’ve dealt with a lot of attempted suicides over the years, but seeing the…seeing her like that. Something about it affected me more than normal.”
My stomach begins to churn. I don’t respond. I honestly didn’t know whether to yell at him or thank him.
“How did you know to go in there?” I ask. He laughs a little.
“Rain,” he states. “She was about to go grab some food and the next thing I know she is bolting to her room, grabbing my arm on the way. She kept saying ‘Phoenix’ over and over, almost like she was in a trance, man. It was fucking weird.”
I get chills, the hair on my arms stand vertical. Maybe Rain really is psychic after all.
“Did Rain say anything about Phoenix beforehand?”
“Nah, but hadn’t you just left
her? I saw you two coming out from inside and then you left right?”
“Yeah.”
That’s when the panic sets in, nausea growing. She saw me. Us. I put my hands up to my face, rubbing my face up and down.
“Fuck!” I scream out.
Turning around I slam my fist in the concrete wall, pain radiating through my fingertips.
“Woah, man,” Donovan yells, pulling his body off the wall to face me. “You wanna tell me what the hell that was all about?”
“Fucking bitch,” I whisper to myself. Donovan stands there facing me, not saying anything.
“I gotta go,” I say as I start to walk away. Donovan reaches out and grabs my arm.
“Here,” he says, handing me his coat.
“Thanks,” I mutter.
And that’s when I notice his shirt. It’s splattered with red. In blood. Her blood. Taking the coat I swing it over my body and break out into a run, leaving a silent Donovan behind. I continue to run, the rain pelting me in the face, the cold reaching far down in my throat, my vocal cords freezing over. As much as my mind tells me to stop, my body can’t. I just run, not exactly knowing where to go. After what seems like an eternity, I stop, my body bending over, my throat begging for air. Once my breathing returns, I stand up, slowly walking now down the path I was headed. When I reach it, I pull the door open and hold it, letting a woman exiting leave first.
“Thank you,” she says awkwardly, probably noticing my disheveled state. I just nod in response.
I enter the shop, the scent reaching my nose. I take a deep breath, it calms me slightly. I walk over to the refrigerated case looking at all the options.
“May I help you?” I hear a voice say to the right of me.
I turn to face the direction, a petite women standing beside me. She has to be well into her seventies. Her eyes are taking in my form, realizing now that a pool of water was gathering at my feet.
“I’m so sorry,” I say backing away from it, the water only following.
“It’s no worry,” she says. “Anything I can assist you with?” she asks again.
“How do you know which one to choose?” I mutter, turning my attention back to case.
A Brand New Ending Page 10