by Amanda Egan
Gay sex! I was responsible for them writing homoerotica! I stood, trying to take it all in but disarmed and unable to speak.
Tittie took my hands in his. ‘Oh, come on Perce, stop standing there with a face like the last puppy in the pet shop. We’re your friends. We weren’t taking the piss, I promise. Forgiven?’
I managed a shaky smile and nodded my head. ‘OK forgiven. But give me my manuscript back and stick to writing your own crap - no pinching my ideas!’ Having made a feeble attempt at a joke, I gathered the loose sheets of my book together.
‘Oh no, Percy, we wouldn’t steal your ideas.’ Lady piped up. ‘It was all far too heterosexual for us. But we did rather like Marco - we thought we might give him a huge willie and whack him in a scene or two. If that’s OK with you?’ Lady gave me a huge scarlet mouthed smile and I couldn’t help but surrender and laugh.
‘You are cheeky buggers! D’you know that?’ I turned to leave, my crappy book tucked under my arm. Tittie caught my shoulder as I left. ‘I reckon I could put an even bigger smile on that face. Got something for you, Girlfriend!’
I frowned at him and then realised he must have meant the dress he’d left in the office for me. ‘Oh yes, thanks Tittie. The dress is great - fab colour. I’m about to put it on now.’
Tittie laughed. ‘Not the sodding dress, Dumbo! Something much better than that. Bet you’ll never guess.’
I stood for a second and thought, then agreed, ‘Yep, you’re quite right, I’ll never guess.’
Tittie beamed at me and I noticed he had lipstick on his teeth. ‘You, my dear, have an admirer!’ He stopped and waited for my reaction. ‘Well, don’t you want to know who?’
I thought for a while and then spluttered. ‘Oh God! Not Dave! He’s a cross dresser and married, Tittie. Please tell me it’s not Dave.’ I knew he’d flirted with me but I’d taken that in the spirit I’d hoped it was intended and not as a serious proposition.
‘No, not Dave, you silly tart. Although, he’d jump on you given half the chance - but I take it you won’t give him that. This is far more exciting.’
‘Well tell me then!’ I grinned at him, all anger now forgotten. ‘Come on, Tittie. Don’t keep me in suspenders.’
Tittie looked delighted with himself and decided to prolong the agony a bit longer. ‘We-ee-ll …’ He paused for dramatic effect and then continued, ‘The rather tasty Luke was a little smitten by our Percy and when he left … are you ready for this? … he asked me to give him your phone number. Eek!’
‘He .. he .. did what? What did you do? Did you give it to him? Oh please say you didn’t Tittie. He’s way out of my league - did you see the monied set he hangs out with?’
Tittie looked at me in horror and slapped his hand on his amply padded bosom. ‘Of course I didn’t give it to him. I know how these things work! I put the ball back in your court and took his number so that you can call him if and when you want to. Isn’t that fab?’
Oh shit! As Tittie had so rightfully said, that did mean the ball was in my court and I had no idea how to play it!
*****
The rest of the night passed in a daze. Thankfully it was a busy one with no time to think, but I still felt the odd flutter of excitement in my stomach every now and again.
Luke had asked for my number. How cool was that? I had his number. How terrifying was that? Of course, I knew in my heart that I’d never actually make the call. It smacked of making the first move, and I didn’t do that. Nope, the number was useless to me - as worthless as the paper it was written on. He wasn’t my type so it was for the best.
It still felt quite flattering though and I entered it into my mobile.
Just in case.
*****
Dad was still up when I got home and I was grateful for the diversion. He poured me a brandy and patted the seat next to him.
‘Long night, Percy? You look done in, love.’
I took the brandy and sipped gratefully. ‘I guess it just takes a while to get used to working nights. My routine’s all turned on its head.’
‘And it’s not been easy for you sleeping here on the sofa, I know that, so you’ll be pleased to hear I’ll be moving out soon. You’ll get your bed back.’
I silently prayed that he hadn’t given in to mum, but I acted cool and looked to him to carry on. ‘Moving out? So you found a place then?’
‘Yep, a great little two bed flat just around the corner in Berwick Street. I’ll rent until the house is sold.’ He stopped and waited for my reaction.
‘Sold? What d’you mean sold?’ A pretty daft question but I needed to know where he was heading with this.
‘Your mother seems to think that keeping the house is her God-given right. It’s not, Perce. And she also seems to think that, because her little fling with this Nigel fellow hasn’t quite turned out the way she’d hoped, she can click her fingers and I’ll come running back.’ He swirled his brandy in his glass, watching the golden liquid as it splashed at the sides. He then turned back to me and continued, ‘I’ve had enough, Perce. I’ve been a fool for that woman for too long and it’s time to move on. I’ve told her I’ll set her up in a place of her own and see that she’s OK financially but the house is going on the market next week.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My dad, slave to my mum for as long as I could remember, had finally put his foot down and declared that enough was enough.
‘Wow, Dad! Well done you!’ I didn’t mention that I’d had my mother on the phone trying to convince me to talk him into going home. He didn’t need me confusing matters when his mind seemed to be made up. I wanted him to be happy and I truly felt that he could only do that if he finally broke free from her.
‘Honestly Dad, I think it’s the best decision you could have made. I’m so happy for you.’
‘Yeah well, I guess it’s been a long time coming but once I’d come to terms with the idea, it was easy. Quite looking forward to a bit of fun actually.’ He placed his empty glass on the coffee table and looked at me with a smile.
‘Well good for you - and about bloody time too. And while we’re on the subject of ‘fun’ - who were you with the other night? Where did you stay?’
Dad stood and looked a little sheepish, ruffling the back of his head and picking up his jacket, preparing for bed. ‘Oh, no one special, Perce. Just an old friend. Night, love.’ And he kissed me on the cheek.
Just a friend, eh? The dirty old dog! Had my dad found himself another woman already?
*****
Annie was looking totally worn out and it was becoming more and more evident that he really needed a break.
I was like an old pro at my job now and could tackle any problems chucked my way - from dealing with the clients to ordering gaffer tape and slap, keeping the bar replenished and the wages paid. The club ran like clockwork and I loved every new challenge that it threw at me.
‘So come on, Annie. Trust me. I know I can cope for a long weekend. We’ve got enough acts to cover if you and Tittie head off somewhere. Let me do it. Please!’
Annie and I were in the office having a quick cuppa and going through the month’s figures.
‘You know I can do it as well and it’ll do you and Tittie the world of good to get away,’ I persisted. ‘Just imagine a cosy little hotel in Brighton with a jacuzzi, mini bar and swimming pool. I’ll just be at the end of the phone if you want to check up on me. What d’ya say?’
Annie looked at me and shook his head. ‘Oh I don’t know, Perce. I’ve never left this place. It’d be like leaving my baby for the first time.’
Just at that moment, Tittie appeared and threw a scarlet dress on my desk. ‘Found this at the back of the wardrobe and thought of you. I know you don’t normally do red but I think you’ll be surprised. It’s a very forgiving shade. Fuck, I’m knackered today.’ He threw himself onto the one spare seat and exhaled dramatically. ‘I’m getting too old for all this. I need to retire.’ He lifted the back of his hand to his forehead
in the manner of a Victorian heroine in the throes of an attack of the vapours. ‘Take me away from all this, Annie. Please! Just for a couple of nights. I’ll make it worth your while, lover!’
Annie looked from me to Tittie and then back to me again. With a huge expulsion of air he stood up and went to pour three brandies from his stash in the drawer. ‘OK. OK. You two win. I’ll do it. But only for a couple of nights and on one condition.’
Tittie and I nodded eagerly and began talking over one another, ‘What? What’s the condition? We’ll do it, whatever it is, promise!’
Annie smiled slowly and narrowed his eyes at me. ‘Oh not both of you. Just you, Percy. I’ll go if you promise to give that Luke fella a call. There. That’s the deal.’
Tittie was giggling in the background. They’d been in this together, plotting and scheming and they had me over a barrel.
‘What? No! No, I’m sorry I refuse to be blackmailed into something I don’t want to do. That’s just not fair, guys.’
‘OK,’ Annie said, preparing to leave the room. ‘No call, no much needed break for two knackered old queens. If we conk out on stage, on your head be it.’ And he swept from the room with his head held high in the most dramatic exit he could muster.
Tittie looked at me and batted his eyelashes, clearly in a huff. ‘I thought you loved us Perce. Do you want to see us dead?’
‘Oh don’t be so ridiculous! Nobody’s going to die. I just don’t want to ring him and I don’t see why you think it’s so important that I should.’
Tittie came over and started playing with my hair, holding it up at one side then scooping it into one hand. ‘I want you to ring him because I think he’s a nice guy and you need someone in your life. You don’t want to die a miserable old spinster do you? Us queens won’t always be enough for you, you know.’
I studied myself in the mirror as he pinned my hair up and started combing the other side. In my short time at the club I’d been totally transformed. No, I didn’t want to die lonely and maybe, just maybe, I did have the confidence to pick up the phone and make that call.
But at that moment in time I had enough presence of mind to lie and to buy myself some time.
‘OK. Tittie. You win. I’ll do it. I’ll make the call but only when you’re in Brighton. You can’t say fairer than that.’
Tittie ran from the room screeching, ‘Woo hoo! We did it Annie! We’re off to the seaside, Honey! Pack the bikinis and the buckets and spades!’
Chapter Fifteen
It was a ridiculously busy night. Not many tables had been pre-booked and that meant that the majority of business was made up of those queuing on the off-chance of an evening of glamour and entertainment.
Annie and Tittie had been worried about leaving me, knowing that there hadn’t been a lot of reservations. It always made for a busier night, as taking customers’ money and showing them to their tables took up a huge chunk of time.
I’d brushed their fears away and told them that there was no way they were backing out of their weekend break. It had been agreed that Betty would be the first and last act on stage and then help me front of house during the busier times.
Which was why I found myself behind the reception desk being flirted with by a six foot nine inch (with heels) peroxide blonde in full war paint and sequins.
There had been a lull in the traffic and Betty was giving it his best shot with me.
‘Come on Percy. Just say you’ll come out for a few drinks with me after the show. If I can get you pissed I bet you’ll end up giving in to my masculine charms.’
I couldn’t help but laugh. The words that were coming from his mouth were so at odds with his look, and so reminiscent of my crappy novel, it really was quite ludicrous.
‘Betty, I will never give in to you. Why can’t you get that into your head? You’re a married man and you are just naughty! Now stop!’
Betty sulked and threw his heavily lashed eyes heavenwards. ‘Well what if I wasn’t married? What would you say then? Do you find me sexy?’ With this, he stuck his hands on his hips and attempted a pelvic thrust.
This caused me to splutter my white wine across the desk. ‘No, Betty! I don’t find you sexy. It’s just too odd. It would be like … like being a lesbian or something.’ I paused to try to find the right words. ‘Well, no, obviously not a lesbian but you get my drift. I don’t find men who dress up in women’s clothes sexually attractive, that’s all.’
Boy, I never would have thought I’d have a conversation like that in my life but Betty only seemed to understand if I spelled things out very clearly. He was determined, I’d give him that!
Deciding that the subject was well and truly closed, I asked Betty to hold the fort while I nipped to the loo for a much needed wee and make up check.
‘Don’t be long though, Perce,’ he said, as he settled in the golden throne. ‘Missing you already!’
*****
I made the most of my break from reception. Betty was beginning to do my head in and I was finding it ever so slightly exhausting to have to keep fending off his advances. It was so much easier with Annie or Tittie for company each night - no threats, no flirting, just good old fashioned bitching and humour.
After freshening up I headed to the dressing room to see how the girls were doing. Lubov was wowing the audience with the first part of her sultry act and Lady, Vi and Ma were dressed and ready to go, scribbling in their notebook and cackling with laughter.
‘His manhood was more than clear through his skin-tight jeans, his wet shirt clung to his chest revealing prominent nipple piercings. He wanted him. He wanted him now.’ Lady was reciting whilst reclining on a battered sofa in the corner à la Cartland and Vi was taking notes.
Ma butted in with, ‘What about my idea? We need to get that in. We all like a bit of role play.’
I shook my head in disbelief. Backstage had never been so settled since the arrival of my dodgy book. They’d probably get published before me too. Oh well, if it kept them happy, that was the main thing and the peace was more than welcomed. I smiled to myself - all was well in ‘The Gossamer Glove’. I felt like a babysitter who’d got all her charges under control.
Annie and Tittie would be proud of me.
*****
I returned to front of house to find Betty looking a little dishevelled, rearranging his wig and plumping his breasts back into shape.
‘Phew, Perce, you missed a bit of a rush there! We’re at full capacity now and I’ve locked the doors. Must have seen about thirty through in the time it took you to pee. A right old mixed bag too - gays, straights, hens, stags, you name it. Reckon they could be a tough audience to crack.’
Checking that the door was properly secured, I returned to the back of the counter and began to tidy the mess that Betty had managed to make of the desk in the short time that I’d left him to fly solo. Loose banknotes were strewn across the booking diary and credit card slips not placed in the lock up drawer as instructed.
‘Betty, you’re so disorganised. If you put everything away as you go, it makes the whole cashing up process so much easier.’ I began gather the notes and slips, hoping that all the figures tallied up at the end of the night.
‘Oooh, Perce, I love it when you get bossy with me. One of the first signs of attraction, that!’ He winked and tapped me on the cheek. ‘Now, must away! Got to top up the lippie and grab a drink before my final slot. Catch you later, Sexy Legs.’
I surveyed the carnage that he’d left behind. A copy of ‘Playboy’ was left open on the centrefold and I quickly closed it and stuffed it in a drawer. His pint of lager was left half finished, smeared with a thick lipstick imprint and he’d left a note on a huge pink Post-it note:
‘Call my mobile if you change your mind. The wife’s away … ! x’
Oh he was just incorrigible! I smiled despite myself and continued with my cashing up. Thankfully he seemed to have managed to take the correct amount from each of the customers and I knew that Annie and Tittie
would be delighted that it had turned out to be such a busy night. Surely with so many hens and stags booked in, the takings on the bar would be good too. I was so pleased that I’d be able to report that night one had been a massive success.
Just as I was relishing a sip of much needed white wine in celebration of a job well done and having a sneaky flick through ‘Playboy’ - good grief, they don’t mind the positions they get themselves into, do they?- I heard an ear-piercing scream followed by an almighty thud. Suddenly half a dozen girls from the hen party appeared looking terrified and desperately trying to unlock the door.