by Amanda Egan
Half an hour later Luke had organised for a group of workmen to come in and deal with the damage - another favour he was owed, he told me. Once more, I didn’t think to question him - I was just glad to have someone taking control.
He’d also ripped up the ruined carpet and put a call in to a friend to bring a replacement. I should have been down on my knees with gratitude but I was working on auto pilot and clearly not thinking straight.
What did I actually do? I went to the girls’ dressing room and gave myself a makeover. Mad, I know, but shock makes you do funny things. All I could think was that I didn’t want Luke to see me looking so positively scummy for a moment longer.
Little did I know that this particular act would be my downfall.
Luke returned to the office to find me attempting my impression of bright eyed and bushy tailed - full slap in place but still in my manky dungarees. The act of applying make up had left me drained and with no energy left for changing my clothes.
I spotted a look cross his face - a look I didn’t recognise - and I noticed a muscle pulsing in his cheek.
‘Why can’t you just be yourself, Percy?’
His words hit me like a slap.
‘I … I don’t understand. What do you mean?’
He ruffled his hair in an act of frustration and then turned to look at me. ‘Right now your appearance really shouldn’t be high priority but you’re always trying to be something that you’re not. Don’t you see it?’
‘No I’m not!’ I said defiantly. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘You’re just fine the way you are, Perce. I don’t know why you can’t see that. Just be you. I don’t care if you’ve forgotten to shave your legs, got a zit or can’t be bothered to put make up on but you need to have the confidence to stop this act.’
‘Act? Act?’ I spluttered, horrified that I’d been caught out. ‘Oh don’t be so ridiculous! This is who I am. Take it or leave it.’ I regretted these last words the moment they left my mouth. I hadn’t meant to sound so harsh and certainly not to prompt him to actually consider leaving me.
Luke looked at me, eyes bright with anger and possibly a hint of another emotion. ‘You can kid yourself all you like, Perce, but I know the truth. It’s the same with your writing. You’re not being honest with yourself there either. You know it’s no good but you refuse to move on. How many times have I told you to write about what you know? To write the book that you would want to read? But, no, Persephone knows best and she just keeps on with the pretence. I’m getting kinda sick of it, Perce.’
Sick of it? That didn’t sound good. Even in my shocked and exhausted state I could figure that much out. Had I been blind to the fact that he’d harboured such deep feelings these past weeks?
Pride and stubbornness had never been qualities I’d possessed in much measure but, for some reason, they kicked in on that day. I refused to be told I was being a phoney but I also refused to be dumped again. This time I’d be one step ahead of the game.
‘Oh, you’re sick of it, are you Luke? Well then I think we know the answer to that then, don’t we?’
I stood and opened the door for him and then I watched him leave.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Luke’s workers performed miracles. Like thieves in the night, they came in, made good and left.
I was oblivious to any of the noise or mayhem. Numb. Disconnected. Heart-broken.
When it came to seven o’clock, I vacuumed the newly laid carpet - barely noticing the clever join that had been made - dusted the debris from the reception area and then cleaned the now fixed loo.
I threw the nearest dress I could find onto my weary body, topped up my make up and ran a comb through my hair. Once again, all I really wanted was to be alone - hiding under my duvet and sulking - but the show had to go on and I wouldn’t let the girls down.
Lady and Vi took one look at me when they arrived and I lifted my hand to stop them commenting on what was obviously a pretty miz face. If anyone tried to be nice to me, I knew I’d go to pieces. I didn’t need people siding with me or condemning Luke - there would be plenty of time for that and it wasn’t then. I just needed to get through the night.
I called Tittie and insisted that he take over the running of the club for a few days. I wasn’t the perfect advertisement for front of house in my current state of mind and I needed some time off. He didn’t argue and I sensed he too had no fight left in him. He was obviously having a tough time with Annie but, when I began to have a touch of the guilts, I figured it might do him good to get back on the drag horse for a while.
Once I was dressed and ready to face the evening, I went through to the girls’ changing room and said I needed to talk to all of them. Lubov emerged from his locked loo, fully dressed and partly made up, a strained look about him.
‘Guys, you won’t have noticed, because it’s all been fixed now,’ I started. ‘We had a major leak in reception today and one of the loos overflowed.’ My voice caught in my throat. I wanted to add, ‘… and someone trampled all over my heart,’ but I didn’t. ‘Please be careful with the toilets in future. No wads of cotton wool or stuff in them. This place is a bit of an antique and we need to remember that.’
I turned to leave and then added, ‘By the way, I’m having a few days off. Tittie will be back tomorrow. Be kind to him and make sure you don’t give him any hassles. He doesn’t need them right now.’
As I reached the doorway, Lady called to me, ‘Percy, if there’s anything …?’
‘Not now, Lady,’ I said, fighting back the tears. ‘Thanks, but not now.’
*****
The rest of the night felt like it was happening to someone else. It had a dreamlike quality as I went through the motions of greeting guests and taking their money.
But the one face I wanted to see didn’t show.
During the quiet times my mind was filled with snippets of conversation, questions and recriminations.
Not being myself? Drop the act. Write what you know.
If I was honest with myself, I knew that what Luke had said made perfect sense. The fact was, I’d been caught out and it hurt. I couldn’t admit to it though - my pride wouldn’t let me. So instead, I stuck my head in the sand and acted the wounded one. How dare he?
Somehow I got through the shift. The punters left, tipsy and on a high from the hilarity of the acts. The girls kissed me, mumbling soothing words, and I finally put the lock on the door for the night.
I kicked off my heels and made my way through to the dressing room to have a final check and switch the lights off.
I suddenly had the feeling I wasn’t alone. Far from unnerving me, my spirits lifted as I stupidly thought that maybe Luke was there again, waiting to take me in his arms and apologise.
I looked all around me. No one there. Wishful thinking on my part.
But the uneasy feeling increased and I tentatively pushed the unlocked door to the girl’s loo.
There, in all ‘his’ glory, was Lubov - semi naked and with finest pair of breasts I’d ever seen in my life.
*****
Now I know it’s rude to stare. I’d been taught it from a very young age. But - A) they were truly magnificent boobies and B) Lubov was supposed to be drag queen!
We both stood frozen to the spot for what seemed like an eternity. Lubov emitted a little scream and grabbed a pair of tights in a poor attempt at covering ‘his’ buoyant appendages.
I eventually found my voice, realising that one of us had to break the spell.
‘Oh my!’ OK, it wasn’t great and it didn’t really open the floodgates of conversation but it was all my poor befuddled brain could come up with.
‘Percy … oh vot a mess! Percy, just give me vun second please.’ Lubov sounded close to breaking down and I pulled the cubicle door closed on ‘him’ allowing ‘him’ ‘his’ privacy.
I sat at the dressing table, fiddling with discarded wigs and various bits of padding. I tried to link my
thoughts into a coherent stream but they kept coming back to ‘what the fuck?’
Eventually Lubov emerged and sat next to me. ‘I am a voman, Percy. I can lie to you no longer.’ She looked down at her hands and picked at the skin around her cuticles. ‘Zere, it is out. A voman. And a very sad one.’
She then burst into floods of noisy sobs and, with all that had gone on that day, I shamelessly joined her.
*****
We left the club, after grabbing four bottles of wine from the bar, hailed a cab back to my place and travelled in companionable silence.
We knew we had the night ahead of us to talk and we fully intended to put one another to good use - two miserable women together could talk for a long time.
During the journey I couldn’t help wonder why I hadn’t realised her secret before. Why hadn’t anyone? The locked door, the androgynous look, the shapeless and bland clothes. And more importantly, the way she could get any straight man in the club drooling.
It all seemed so glaringly obvious. But then, as they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing. And I hadn’t been the only one taken in by the act, so I didn’t feel totally stupid.
We arrived back at the flat and I poured us both huge glasses of therapeutic wine. I told Lubov to make herself comfy while I went to throw some pyjamas on. I couldn’t truly wallow in self pity in my work gear and I needed to get fully into the couch potato mode I intended to assume for the next few days.
When I eventually returned to Lubov, she was already topping up her glass and wiping her nose on a tissue to add to the growing pile beside her.
‘Percy. I am so sorry.’ She looked at me with red, blotchy eyes and yet she was still a stunning specimen. ‘I did not mean for zis to happen.’
‘Lubov. I just don’t understand.’ I sat next to her and slurped noisily on my wine. ‘Why would you do it? Why become a drag queen?’
‘Oh, it is long story, Percy, but please do not judge me. I voz desperate.’ She tucked her endlessly long legs under her and ruffled her close-cut cropped hair. ‘Ven I came to London, I vanted to get goot job to send money back to my family. My daddy is a vidower and he live viz my younger brother. I vanted to make a better life for zem. I knew London voz a goot place for money. I had hopes and dreams.’ She stopped and smiled at me. ‘Percy, maybe you are ze vun people who vill understand me. No vun vanted me. I voz too big. Too clumsy. I vould go for vaitress jobs and zey vould laugh in my face. I vould go for shop jobs and ze same vould happen.’
I nodded my head, fully empathising with her misery. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Not yet written the book, but …
‘I voz penniless vizin two veeks. Zen I saw an advert for ‘Ze Gossamer Glove’ and all ze big men who vould pretend to be ladies. It seemed so simple. I vould be a lady, pretending to be a man being a lady!’
God, when you looked at it like that, it made perfectly complicated sense. ‘Go Lubov!’ I voiced to myself. If I could hold a note, execute a dance move or had any comic timing, I might have given that career path some thought myself.
‘But I did not expect to make friends, Percy. Goot, kind peoples who care for vun annuzer. It voz hard to keep my secret and it voz hard to be alvays keeping my distance.’
I took her hand and stroked it. She’d felt so alienated and none of us had seen it. All she wanted was to earn a living and to help her dad. What was so wrong with that?
‘Please do not hate me, Percy, but I also did not expect to fall in love. I voz not looking for a romance.’
Wow! The plot thickened. Suddenly my own misery took a back seat and I waited for the next instalment.
‘You may vant to ask me to leave ven you hear dis, Percy. But … I love your daddy.’
*****
How many shocks was my poor old heart meant to take that day?
I sat in disbelief - I closed my eyes, opened and stretched them wide and then asked myself if, in my inner turmoil, I was experiencing some sort of odd, out of body experience.
‘Please say somesing, Percy.’ I was suddenly aware of Lubov talking again.
I shook my head vigorously and downed the rest of my glass in one. I then filled Lubov’s and said, ‘Carry on. I need to know more.’
She looked relieved that I hadn’t opened the door and thrown her out and she chewed on the side of her mouth before continuing. ‘Your daddy guessed vot I voz doing. He is such clever man. Ve became friends. My only friend in zis country who knew my secret. And zen ve became close.’ She looked at me for my reaction but when still none came she carried on with her story. ‘Your daddy is such a goot man. He makes me laugh, he treats me like a lady but …’ She stopped and the tears began to flow again. ‘… zis morning he tells me zat ve must stop. He is too old for me, he says. I am fifty-four, Percy - not zum young girl. Zis is just a number to me.’ She blew her nose noisily. ‘Lubov’s heart is broken.’
For the second time that night, the only words to come from my mouth were, ‘Oh my!’
We sat in silence for a while. I had a lot to digest and it was gradually beginning to sink in. My father had fallen for a drag queen who wasn’t a drag queen and now he was being attacked by guilt and using the ‘age card’. I could just imagine how confused he must be feeling and my heart ached for both of them.
I put my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes with my palms. A headache was beginning to form and I pressed at my temples, stupidly reaching forward for my glass again.
‘Shit! That’s some story, Lubov.’
She looked at me and nodded. ‘Do you hate me?’ she asked quietly.
‘No, don’t be so silly. You can’t help who you fall in love with and my father was single - it’s not as if you broke up a happy marriage, is it? To be perfectly honest, I’m a bit cross with Daddy. He shouldn’t be messing you about like this.’
‘Oh, Percy, sank you! I am so pleased to know I can be your friend. I voz so vorried.’
I lifted my glass and tapped it against hers. ‘A toast to two big girls and their stupid men. If there’s anything I can do to make my father see sense, I’ll try. I promise.’
Lubov kissed me on the cheek. Her skin was a soft as silk - why had we never noticed that before? ‘Vot’s your story, Percy? Tell me about your heart.’
*****
It was pretty weird, talking to a new friend who, up until a few hours ago, I’d believed to be a man. Now, not only was he a woman, she was my dad’s ex-girlfriend.
As bizarre evenings went, it was right up there.
We talked, we drank, we cried, we laughed. And then we drank a bit more.
The whole Luke story came flooding out and I admitted to Lubov that I’d been trying to keep up an act of my own.
She looked at me and giggled drunkenly. ‘I sink perhaps zat I am ze last people to be telling you off.’ She clinked her glass clumsily against mine. ‘To phonies!’
We were just beginning to look miserably at the four empty wine bottles, and craving more, when there was a quiet tap on the front door.
I looked through the spy hole to see a tear-stained Diana and, when I opened up, she fell though the frame with a box of Chardonnay.
‘Fancy some company, Percy? I have wine.’ She hiccupped and tripped over to Lubov.
‘Vine is goot.’ Lubov said in her lusciously deep voice, ‘Pour big vuns and ve talk.’
It was Diana’s turn to sob. Our combined tissue pile was now an impressive mountain and she plucked one after the other from the box as she wept and wailed and told her own sorry story.
‘I really liked Tom,’ she started, followed by a nose blow. ‘He’s the one man I’d met who I thought was worth making changes for. But he won’t even see me. He doesn’t even know how much I’ve altered for him. He rang me tonight and said he didn’t think it would work - that we were too different.’
Well, he’d finally taken my advice and called her but I had hoped he’d see fit to take her out and explain face to face. This was not the way things were meant to have worked o
ut.
‘I was so miserable before,’ Diana went on. ‘It was such hard work being perfect and it certainly didn’t bring me any luck with men! So, I kind of sensed that Tom liked me but had doubts about my high maintenance factor. It made sense for me to change but it looks like it was too late. Bloody, buggering men!’ She downed her drink and held her glass out to Lubov for more. ‘Let’s get hammered!’
‘I sink ve may be vun step ahead of you, Diana,’ Lubov slurred, slopping more drink into her glass.
We sat in our own drunken bubbles for a while, Lubov humming her tortured love songs while Diana picked a tissue into a thousand pieces which she threw over her shoulder - a game Bogey thought was great. Suddenly a thought came to me through my wine-induced haze.