by Renee Dyer
He squeezes my hand and when I glance at him, he says, “There hasn’t been anyone since you. No one else makes me think of buttercups and sunshine.”
Yeah, he may have made me swoon and lose my breath for a second.
He starts in on me, about how surprised he is that I didn’t go back to school or find my way back to the theater. I don’t know how to tell him I was too heartbroken to chase any dreams. He goes on and on about how talented I am and I finally have to tell him to stop, that I just needed a break.
“But a diner, really?”
I chuckle.
“Although…you know that shirt would much look better if it said girl under there.”
I look down to see I’m still wearing my Grant’s t-shirt and I smile at the irony of not having the chance to change from work.
My mom’s voice chirps through the window, “Now, that’s how you woo a woman.”
“With that lame line?” my dad snorts. “Back in my day…”
I tune them out as I launch into Grant’s arms. I don’t care what they say or that they heard everything we said. Grant just made me the happiest girl in Ohio.
“Grant’s girl sounds good to me,” I whisper before I place my lips to his and feel myself begin to heal.
Epilogue
Grant
It’s been nine months since I made the trip to Ohio. Cammie and I are dating. If you were expecting to hear married or that she’s pregnant, you’re more messed up than I am. We’re both young and fucked up. We have a lot of shit to get past, especially me, and we want to handle that before we deal with major life decisions.
She did, however, move out to L.A. to pursue her acting career, and no, she doesn’t live with me. With how much we’re together, it feels like she does at times, but we also know when to give each other space. It’s great that we have that trust between us.
I started therapy after that fateful trip to Ohio. Cammie told me she had been in therapy for months and though she didn’t feel like it was doing much yet, she felt it would start to help if she kept with it. She felt with all her heart that I needed to seek help, not just for what happened with Davyd, but for my teenage years as well. I couldn’t argue with the points she made, so when I got home, I made an appointment.
The first therapist I saw was a damn nut job. The guy didn’t even bother to get to know me. In fact, he didn’t ask me a single question. He looked at the form I had to fill out—I guess there were questions on there—and told me he recommended group therapy. Had he taken a couple sessions to get to know me, he would have known I’m not a big people person, despite the fact that I’m an actor. I can fake it because…well, that’s my fucking job, but deep down, people make me antsy.
I left after a few minutes of that session. You just know when something doesn’t fit.
I like my new therapist. She reminds me of Cammie and not because I think she’s hot...she’s in her fifties. It’s her smile. During the first session, she sat back and let me decide what I was comfortable saying and when she gave me that smile, it was genuine. It told me she cared about my healing.
I have started healing, enough so, I now do counseling with Tucker and Mikos. My therapist set us up with a family counselor—a conflict of interest or some shit like that—for her to shrink all our asses and see me privately, too. Oh yeah, shit is crazy in that room. Bet that therapist gets fucking hammered after each session. It is one hell of a cockfight with all the testosterone flying around every two weeks. I thought I had a lot of resentment toward these two over the years. Turns out, Tucker has me beat…by a damn landslide.
Is it horrible that I enjoy not being the only fucked up one in the family?
I asked Grams that one day and waited for her to start yelling, but all she did was sigh through the phone and tell me, “We all hope there’s someone more messed up than us. We need to feel powerful and how we do that is by seeing other’s weaknesses. It’s one of the ways our society is flawed. You can rise above it if you choose to.”
That day, I poured my heart out to her more than I ever had.
I admitted the reason I couldn’t bring Cammie back for so long was because I was scared of myself. I was afraid of what lurks inside of me and what I know I’m capable of doing. She was quiet on the other end while I told her that I was disappointed Davyd’s death didn’t come at my hands and how much I loathed myself that day because I could feel my strength waning. It felt good to wrap my hand around his throat and I wished my other hand had been free because I know I could have finished the job. I wanted to know what it felt like to see the life drain from his eyes and see his soul depart his body, if he even had one. It frightened me because I didn’t then and I still don’t feel bad about wanting to kill him. If he were in front of me, I’d go straight for his throat now. I’d like to say he made me a killer, but Cammie’s dad is right…a man makes his own decisions.
I learned that day, in Davyd’s storm shelter, I am capable of murdering another human being. I believe most people are, but what shook me to my core was realizing I didn’t care. I think I even enjoyed the rush of watching him struggle for air. It was short lived, but for that one moment, when his eyes bulged, I felt pleasure. If I weren’t about to pass out, I think I would have gotten an erection. The revelation of the darkness still lingering in me causes me such panic that I leave Cammie alone in bed many nights and pace my apartment.
Grams didn’t judge me, she never does. When I told her I’m afraid I may snap one day and hurt Cammie, she full out guffawed. I find no humor in my statement, but she laughed for several minutes until I heard her sniffling. She finally apologized for her outburst and told me what I said was about the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. I asked her what made her so sure and her next words will always stay with me.
“Love is not something to fear. It is the greatest gift we have to offer because we give it from our heart. If you give yours completely to Cammie, I promise you will never harm her.”
Cammie has my heart. I guess I just have to trust she knows what she’s doing with it.
One thing I struggle with that Cammie has been pushing, is having a relationship with Gloria. But, after taking Cammie to Kansas to see our buttercup field, I caved. Making love to my girl in the spot that held so many fond memories for me, made me realize I’d been angry for too long. So, I called her. She wept and thanked me, but I didn’t truly know what to say. I did thank her for taking me to the buttercup fields for all those years.
I still haven’t seen Gloria face to face. I’m not ready for that, but I take her weekly calls. I don’t insult her anymore and I stay calm when she asks about my relationship with Tucker. It’s still hard to have her ask about him. It feels like a betrayal to me and to the memory of my dad. I’m working on that. Maybe someday, I’ll ask her to come to a therapy session. The family sessions seem to really help. I just need to work up to being able to see her face first and part of that is getting over the guilt of how poorly I’ve treated her for years.
Yes, I’m still hurt over what she did to my dad, to both of them, and to me, but everyone makes mistakes. Look what I’ve done. I acted like a child having a tantrum for so long and she put up with it because she loves me. She’s still putting up with it. I understand that, but it still doesn’t make me any more ready to take the next step in our relationship.
My therapist says I’m improving and I suppose in some ways I am, but I get frustrated with all the work still in front of me. Many days, I want to crawl back into the corners of my mind and pull the dark blanket over myself that used to comfort me. I want to shut out the world and be cruel. But that’s the man I became from being a frightened, angry boy.
I’m trying to find the fun, carefree kid I buried years ago. The person who laughed at life and had dreams. Back then, it was simple and I didn’t believe in monsters. I miss that kid. He was kind of awesome.
For now, I’m going to keep on keeping on. I’m going to have movie nights with my buttercup and arg
ue with her that I’m much hotter than any blue alien out there. I’m going to keep blowing up the big screen until she agrees with me. Let’s see, what else sounds good? Grams is a must in my life, so I guess that means I have to keep Tucker and Mikos, too, right? Yeah, I thought so. Besides, watching our therapist’s eyes bug out of his head is great entertainment. And, I still have to make a trip to Kansas to say hello to a special lady and say a proper goodbye to great man.
I don’t know whether I’ll ever be the old me again and I don’t know whether it’s something I ever want. The direction I’m heading in feels right. Cammie by my side, a new family, and finally having some friends, it’s a pretty great start to the new me. Don’t think that doesn’t mean I can’t be a dick or that I’ve suddenly gone soft—wait, I shouldn’t say those words together.
Mess with someone I care about and let the dickery begin…
Life is about choices. You have to make them. Decide who you want to be, but remember you can’t take them back. Some can be forgiven and some can’t. Never blame others for yours—it just makes you look like an asshole.
Don’t be an asshole.
I’m glad I stopped being one…well, most of the time.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse and rape. Different times in my life, by different men. Writing the scenes with Grant and Cammie were not easy for me, but they will not be the last scenes I write in this series about these topics. Although we’ve come a long way in the over twenty years since I went through those two terrible ordeals, we still haven’t come far enough. Victims of these crimes are still made to feel like victims and too often aren’t helped to understand that we can be survivors. The scene where Grams speaks to Grant about being a survivor was based off a real conversation my mother had with me after the rape happened. I was already broken down from the abuse I had previously endured and I saw no way to heal. My mother saw differently. I thank God every day that I have her in my life. She gave me the strength I needed to face my demons, to stand tall, try to find some part of the person I was before these tragedies took over, and took away my innocence. I write this message now to tell any of you out there suffering in silence, you are not alone. Please never feel ashamed of yourself. You did not do anything wrong. This was done to you. It took me many years to understand that. Please reach out, speak to someone close to you, or get help if you can. You are worthy of having a great life. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently, no matter what the situation was. There is never a reason anyone has the right to force themselves on you.
When these crimes happened to me, I was fortunate enough to work with a fantastic group here in New Hampshire called S.A.S.S. – Sexual Assault Support Services. They are still around today. Anyone in the New Hampshire area needing assistance for these crimes, please contact them. www.sassnh.org or (888) 747- 7070
Nationally, please reach out to RAINN at https://rainn.org or 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Life is a blessing. It’s meant to be lived and enjoyed.
I always have to start my gratitude with my husband Marty. Without his love and support, I would not be able to write anything. He sits beside me, encouraging me, helping me find my male voices, and reminding me I’m not crazy. He is a part of every male I write and I couldn’t be more proud of that. It’s amazing to have someone believe in you, even when you aren’t sure you believe in yourself. To my better half, thank you for finally noticing me. My life has only been better since having you in it.
My awesome sons, I love you more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for understanding that I need to write, even when it means you have to have sandwiches for dinner sometimes because I forgot to plan a meal. You rock my fuzzy socks and you know how much I adore those. <3 I promise to take a break and goof off with you now that this book is written. It’s Rock Band time. Who’s ready to sing a little Bon Jovi? Maybe some Def Leppard? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about Eye of the Tiger.
I would never have dared to write a book if it wasn’t for my mom. She told my four siblings and me we were only as big as our dreams. Well, I dreamed of being an author. Thank you, Mom, for believing in me, pushing me to follow my dreams, and supporting the decisions I’ve made. I love you.
My trusty sidekick, Amie. This all started with you and a joke that I’d write you a story. Look where we are now. Three books and you’re still supporting me. I truly thought you’d be sick of me by now. Thank you for being my friend, admin, #1, book bitch, and every other title you have more than earned. It’s been one hell of a journey. Where should we go next?
It takes a special bond to trust someone when they ask you to cut an entire chapter from your book. Your book is your baby, after all. I am fortunate to have complete trust in my editor. She could have told me this book was shit, I needed to rewrite the entire thing, and that’s what I would have done. Thank you, Monica, for understanding my characters, my vision, and for helping me make it the best it can be.
I have the most amazing beta team. I wanted to give up more times than I can count on this book. I didn’t think I had it in me to give Grant the voice he deserved, but these ladies kept pushing me. They believed in me and they believed in this story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for knowing what I didn’t—I had Grant in me all the time—I just needed to put my listening ears on.
Maegan Abel, what the hell can I say to you? You, chick, are amazing. The first time I talked to you, I knew we were destined to be friends. Not only did we start our author journey together, but it felt like we shared the same brain at times. Our conversations flowed easily and you inspired me on so many occasions. You are a true talent. Thank you for putting your creative genius to work on my cover. You took the thoughts from my mind and brought them to life for me in a way I couldn’t. I’ll be forever grateful!
I am in no way a medical expert, but thank God I had Becca Liberty in my corner. I don’t know how many times I pestered you with questions and every time I thought I had all my answers, I was wrong. You poor girl. You’re a saint. You put up with my incessant need to make sure I had the correct information and never got upset with me. I can’t thank you enough for your patience and guidance.
Kiki Sidira, thank you, so much for being my Greek goddess. I’d be lost if I didn’t have you to go to with all my questions about Greece and all things Greek related. The music is simply beautiful. I could listen to it all day, every day!
At one point, I hit a writer’s block on names. I put a contest on my author page and two ladies came forward. The names they created sparked inspiration in me. Vicci Kaighan and Charmaine Pinack—thank you for helping me create Carlos and Jeff. Sometimes, it just takes knowing the name for the character to fully come to life.
Every day I’m grateful for two very special groups—Tucker’s Sluts, my street team and Dyer’s Die-Hards, my discussion group. Knowing I can go into either of those groups and goof off, vent, laugh, cry, talk or start the “fuck” game makes each day easier to get through. You always have my back and I’m blessed to call you friends. Thank you for what you do every day to keep me in the spirit to write and just simply for being the awesome people you are.
There are so many authors and blogs that have stood behind me as I wrote this book. I know if I try to list them all, I’ll forget someone and feel terrible. Thank you to all of you, and you know who you are. Thank you for believing in me, for sharing anything about me and for simply understanding that new authors need your help to get out there. You are the true rock stars! Without all of you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I will be forever grateful for all your help and guidance.
And last, but definitely not least—to my readers—there will never be enough ways to thank you or enough love to send to you. You amaze me! Your words of encouragement as I wrote this book, the e-mails asking questions, anything you’ve ever said to let me know you care that I keep writing—it all matters. I take every word to heart. Thank you so very much for continuing to follow the characters in this series and for allowing me the oppo
rtunity to entertain you. Much love to each and every one of you!
Monster by Skillet
Stupid Girls by Pink
Crashed by Daughtry
Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars
Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake
Unforgettable by Nat King Cole
Lil’ Red Riding Hood by Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs (I like how Amanda Seyfried sings it)
The Gift by Seether
Lie by David Cook
Savin’ Me by Nickelback
Carry on My Wayward Son by Kansas
Ονειρα γλυκα - Βασιλης παπακωνσταντινου -song Grams sang to Grant (means Sweet Dreams)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dkv0SAWpURM
Shake it Off by Taylor Swift
Not a Bad Thing by Justin Timberlake
The Reason by Hoobastank
Your Arms Feel Like Home by 3 Doors Down
Keep an eye out for:
Coming September 2015
Coming soon, information on the next installment in the Healing Hearts Series.
Be sure to follow me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/AuthorReneeDyer
and be the first to hear when Victoria’s book will release.
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven