He glared at her. She’d never seen him utter so much as a sharp word to anyone, and now he looked as if he was about to explode. But he held his temper, much to her relief. He turned away and swore, softly, succinctly and cuttingly as he walked away, slamming the door behind him.
She flinched at the sound, couldn’t tell if he was angry at himself or at her. She felt the ridiculous urge to apologize to him, had the odd sense that she’d hurt him with her words, but how could that be? Everything she said was true. He probably thought women were put on the planet for him to enjoy.
Well, Amanda wasn’t having fun. Not at all. She was shaking, and her head was spinning, her lips quivering, the sweetly elusive taste of him lingering on her lips, and even now, she wanted more of him. She would likely dream of him again tonight. She would wake tossing and turning and still imagining his big, hard body next to hers. And he’d probably take her advice. Tonight, she’d be at home, feeling frustrated and lonely and dreaming of him, and he’d be with someone else.
Amanda closed her eyes, her head falling forward, something that felt suspiciously like pain—real, physical pain—shooting through her. She might lie to Josh about it, but there was no way she could lie to herself.
She absolutely hated the thought of him with another woman.
Chapter 4
“I’m not handling this well,” Josh said.
Jamie had found him standing in the hallway outside his office and rescued him, dragging him into her own office and closing the door.
“You don’t suppose my door slammed itself, do you?” he suggested.
“I think doors have been known to do that,” she agreed.
“Amanda may have slammed it behind me.”
“After she threw you out of your own office? I know she has a real vicious streak.”
Josh frowned. He’d never felt so stupid in his entire life, never been so baffled by a woman. “It was either get myself out of there or strangle her.”
“Oh?” Jamie looked absolutely enthralled.
“She thinks I’m pond scum,” he complained.
“Imagine that.”
“Do you have to enjoy it this much?” he complained.
She grinned. “I think so. It’s such a novelty. I’ve never seen you in a bad mood.”
“I have a right to be in a bad mood,” he complained. “You don’t know what she said to me.”
Find someone else. He nearly growled. She could say that? Five seconds after he’d been devouring her with his mouth? Did she believe she wanted him to find another woman, and that he would? That he’d just pick someone and start in where he and Amanda had left off?
No way! Josh blew out a long, slow breath. He was sprawled in the corner of the love seat in Jamie’s office, where he’d been hundreds of times before. They’d been partners for a couple of years. He was comfortable with her. Or with the woman she’d always been to this point. Ready to turn the conversation to anything but him and Amanda, Josh let his eyes rest on the rounded mound at her midsection.
“’Bout ready to pop?” he quipped.
Jamie frowned. “I can’t believe women think you’re charming.”
“You know they do.”
“Only because they don’t know you as well as I do.”
He grinned, ready for a fight. “Do all women get grouchy when they’re pregnant?”
She picked up a cushion and threw it at him. He managed to duck in time, and soon they were both laughing like the old friends they were.
“Your husband’s going to come charging in here any minute to see what we’re up to,” Josh said. “You know that, don’t you?”
“He is not.”
“Bet me,” Josh boasted.
“He knows there was never anything between the two of us, and he knows how much you like needling him about thinking there ever was. It would be so much simpler if you both admitted you liked each other.”
Josh ignored that. “You’re really happy with this new life of yours?”
“As happy as anyone can be when she can’t bend over to tie her own shoes.”
He laughed and pressed his palm to the taut skin of her belly. “How’s little Joshie today?”
“For the last time, we are not naming this baby after you.”
“Just wait. You’ll see,” he teased. Then, before she could turn the subject back to him, he added, “You’re really not coming back to work?”
“I’m not sure. I want to see how I feel after the baby comes.”
Josh nodded toward her husband’s office. “He wouldn’t let you back out in the field, and I can’t see you being happy sitting in front of a computer, plotting and planning, the way you’ve been doing the past few months.”
“He’s not my boss at home, Josh. Marriage doesn’t work that way.”
“You’d do anything Dan Reese asked,” he insisted, still surprised by that. Jamie had been damned good at what she did, and he knew she’d enjoyed it. He couldn’t imagine her giving all that up for a man. “You’re going to sit in that big house in the ’burbs changing dirty diapers and going without sleep at night, your brain turning to mush? All for a man?”
It was unthinkable to him that someone like her would rearrange her life that way. Of course he had to admit she’d reached a point in time where she’d been absolutely miserable without Dan. Josh was absolutely certain the only problem was that sooner or later they’d be miserable together. Married people always found a way to be utterly miserable together.
Miserable apart, miserable together. That was what love did to people. Josh didn’t want any part of it.
Jamie regarded him thoughtfully. “I worry about you.”
“Why?” he said casually.
“Because you just don’t get it. I used to think it was an act, an I’m-not-interested-in-settling-down, world-class playboy act. But it’s worse than that. You just don’t understand.”
“Understand what?” he asked.
“Love. Commitment. Marriage. I would do anything for Dan. And he’d do the same thing for me. It’s a two-way street, Josh. That’s what makes it work. Dan doesn’t order me around, and I don’t blindly obey. I haven’t rearranged my life to suit him.”
“Yes, you have.”
“We rearranged our lives to suit both of us,” she insisted. “Josh, you’re one of the smartest men I’ve ever known. How can you not get this? The job doesn’t mean nearly as much to me as he does. Or our baby.”
Josh frowned at her.
“All these years,” Jamie asked. “You’ve never even come close to being in love?”
“God, no,” he said, glad about that.
“Have you ever known anyone who was happily married?”
He shook his head.
“What about your parents?”
“Last I heard, they were still married.”
“And do they love each other?” she asked.
“I wouldn’t say that.” Tolerated each other, at best. Tolerance that had given way to intolerance. To mutual disgust. Things had really deteriorated from there, and he didn’t want to talk about it. There was no point. “Geez. Stop, okay? I’ll talk about Amanda if you’ll stop.”
“Okay.” Jamie looked perfectly happy. She’d gotten what she wanted.
“She’s still hung up on Rob,” he said, puzzled. “She’s so sad. So lonely. And I…well, I…”
“You are going to burn in hell someday, Josh.”
“Probably,” he agreed. “But not for this.”
“Don’t toy with her.”
“I’m not doing anything with her,” he protested. “I may go to hell for what I’m thinking about Amanda, but not for anything I’ve actually done.”
Josh willed himself not to look guilty. It wasn’t a bald-faced lie. He didn’t think a couple of kisses constituted a mortal sin, and he’d been a model of virtue around the woman for years. Okay, maybe not a model of virtue. He would never manage that in his life. But the worst he’d done was give her one, single,
memorable kiss while she was engaged to another man.
“I’m worried about her,” he said.
“You’re serious?” Jamie crossed her arms and gave him an odd, speculative look. “You really care about her?”
“Of course I care about her.”
“Not that ‘she’s a friend who’s going through a rough time’ kind of caring.”
“She is going through a rough time,” he insisted.
“I’m talking about her being special to you.”
Josh frowned, his collar feeling uncomfortably tight again.
“Fine. I won’t help you.”
“Jamie! Help me. Please. I’m lost here,” he said, the urgency of his tone giving him away. Damn. He didn’t even know what he felt for the woman himself. How could he explain it to anyone else?
“She’s so vulnerable right now,” Jamie cautioned.
“Oh, hell, she’s always been so damned vulnerable,” he complained.
“She’s never going to be able to hold her own with you.”
“I know that,” he admitted. “What do you want? A blood oath? I swear I won’t hurt her.”
“I don’t think you ever set out to hurt anyone intentionally, Josh.”
He hadn’t, but that didn’t mean he’d never hurt anyone. Even with the best of intentions it happened sometimes. Some women had trouble believing a man when he said he never stayed with any one woman for long. Josh meant it. He would tell Amanda that, right after he explained that he didn’t care to go find anyone else for a quick roll in the sack right now. He didn’t even want to think of the significance of that.
“She absolutely baffles me,” he complained.
“Last year? When I was so crazy about Dan? When I was absolutely furious with him?” Jamie grinned. “He baffled me, absolutely and completely.”
“I am not in love with her.” It was ludicrous. Laughable. Joshua Carter, in love. Still, that reminded him of one more thing he wanted to know. “She hasn’t been seeing anyone, has she?”
“I don’t think so. It’s too soon after this mess with Rob for her to be seriously involved with anyone.”
“Oh, hell, I know that, too.” He’d been waiting, after all. Him waiting for a woman. Waiting for something he didn’t understand at all.
He’d never met a woman so thoroughly indifferent to him, and his ego had caught on to that right from the beginning. But this wasn’t about his ego anymore. He thought of her when he shouldn’t. He simply couldn’t get her out of his mind. But none of that meant he was in love with her. None of that came close to love.
Misery, hurt, aggravation, anger, desertion, loneliness…love. No way Josh wanted anything to do with that.
Amanda wasn’t handling this well. All the way home she thought someone was following her. Which was silly. Rudy didn’t need to follow her. He already knew where she lived. She turned onto her street, to the tiny house she and Rob bought together that she hadn’t been able to afford on her own. She held her breath the whole way, waiting for disaster to strike, and what did she find? No sign of Rudy Olivara. She saw Josh’s Jag instead.
“Oh, no,” she sighed. Not now.
He was supposed to be out picking up willing women tonight, and she wasn’t supposed to care. Not in the least. He could tie them up, using all those fancy Boy Scout knots, and she wouldn’t so much as blush at the thought of the decadent things he would do with them. It didn’t mean anything to her.
Frothy kisses and sunrises on the beach, a fabulous shoulder to lean upon, a blissfully strong embrace, a wicked grin—none of that should mean a thing to her, either.
Amanda sighed yet again, sitting in her car, afraid to get out and walk into her own house.
Chicken, she chided herself. She’d always been afraid of her own shadow, always despised herself for it. She’d always played it so safe, and where had it left her? Alone, heartbroken, pitied. Cringing, she wondered if Josh felt sorry for her, too. She’d absolutely hate that.
Amanda got out of the car, saw no sign of him. She put her key in the lock, expecting him to jump out of the shadows at any moment. He didn’t, but the door wasn’t locked. Sticking her head inside, she called out, “Josh?”
“In the kitchen,” he said, as if there was nothing unusual about her coming home and finding him here.
Amanda didn’t know what he was up to, but she had a feeling she wasn’t going to like it. She could hear him whistling, and she smelled something, something indecently good and no doubt incredibly fattening. She found him standing over the stove, steam rising from the big skillet.
He didn’t turn around, didn’t so much as look at her. He kept whistling and stirring, relaxed and happy as always.
He was always so happy. She couldn’t understand how anyone could be as happy as Josh. Maybe that’s what a life of indulgence and privilege could do for a person.
Not fair, Amanda chided herself. He’d taken care of her the other night, when she’d been so alone, so broken-hearted. She had vague memories of him being kind, as well, in those nightmarish days after Rob died and all his awful secrets came out. So, obviously, Josh wasn’t all bad. He just wasn’t for her.
“What are you doing here?” she asked finally.
He grinned, glancing at her quickly, then turning back to his task. “Making dinner. You like veal?”
“I’ve never had veal.”
“You’ll like it. Promise.”
She wanted to tell him not to promise her anything, not even something as simple as the fact that she’d like the meal he was preparing. She didn’t want any promises from him, didn’t want anything from him at all. She knew what he was, and she knew she couldn’t have him in her life. She’d go to this dinner with the Italian arms dealer if she had to and be done with it. She’d go back to her nice, dull, careful little life. First, she had to get rid of Josh.
“What are you doing in my house?”
He kept right on stirring. “I told you. Cooking dinner.”
“I didn’t invite you.”
“Amanda, if I waited for an invitation, it would never happen.”
True enough. Which meant what? He would barge in uninvited? Insinuate himself in her life? Take over? She could see him doing just that. Steamrolling his way in, ignoring what she wanted, taking what he wanted instead. Please, God, she hoped he’d gotten over that misguided notion that he wanted her.
“Josh? How did you get in here?”
“I picked the lock. I’m really good at that.”
“Oh.” She would add it to the list of his known talents.
“Not that it took much skill. A two-bit crook wouldn’t need ten seconds to break in here. But don’t worry. I’ve taken care of it. Someone’s coming tomorrow to redo the locks.”
“What?” she said, feeling that odd sensation of her life slipping out of control, taking an odd, unexpected turn, as it had a year ago, when Rob died and everything went so wrong.
“They’re installing a security system, too. Don’t worry. Dan’s orders. Division One’s picking up the tab.”
Amanda suddenly felt a weakness in her knees. She pulled out a chair that had been tucked under the small table in the corner and sat down. “Why? Did Rudy do something? Has something happened already—”
“No.” He finally turned to look at her. “Nothing like that.”
“Then what? Why are you here?”
“I’m going to take care of you, Amanda,” he said, quite sincerely.
“What?” Much as she liked the idea of someone looking out for her right now, it couldn’t be Josh. She couldn’t have him here, being charming, concerned, flirting with her, kissing her. She was every bit as weak and scared and needy as ever, and she was afraid she would do something utterly stupid. Like fall for him. Despite all that she knew about him.
“Rudy knows where you live,” he said softly, patiently.
“I know.” She wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep until this was all over.
“I’m not just d
oing this on a whim, Amanda. We traced Rudy’s whereabouts for the past week. He’s been seen with…a contact of mine. Rudy’s right in the middle of this, and he’s here for a reason. Which means you and I have to be careful. Dan and I talked about it. I told him I’d take care of you. I promised.”
“No,” she said again.
“Yes. Get used to it, Amanda. Until this is settled, I’m moving in.”
“No,” she said.
Nothing else. Just no.
“Okay.” Josh was prepared to compromise, to a point. “You can move in with me.”
She laughed then, the sound bubbling out, scaring him a bit. She’d had a very bad day, after all. A bad weekend. A bad year. He settled his hands at the top of her arms, taking them in a strong, reassuring grip.
“Amanda, I know you don’t want me here. I know what you think of me as a man. But this is work, and I promise you, I’m very good at my work. I take my responsibilities very seriously. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
“You can’t stay here,” she said.
“Fine. Pack your bag. Whatever you’ll need for the rest of the week. I’d rather have you at my place, anyway.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I do.” He tightened his grip on her shoulders. “You don’t want me here. I understand why. I’m telling you, you don’t have a choice right now.”
She stared at him, that soft bottom lip of hers trembling. He watched her work the muscle in her jaw, thinking of something to say and discarding it just as quickly. And he had an almost overwhelming urge to kiss her, just one more time. To take her mouth beneath his and press his lips against hers and kiss her soundly, until he held her limp and breathless in his arms, until she’d let him do anything he wanted with her. He could take all her fears away, could take her to the point where she could only think of one thing—him.
That would be taking unfair advantage of the situation, but Josh believed in taking every advantage offered to him. It was just the way he was.
He grinned at her. “It won’t be so bad.”
Cinderella and the Spy Page 6