Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)

by Bierce, Ambrose

  “Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of Abnormal Proboscidians, of which I am the High Noble Toby and Surreptitious Treasurer. Two months ago I was the only member. One month ago there were two. To-day we number four Emperors of the Abnormal Proboscis in good standing — doubles every four weeks, see? That’s geometrical progression — you know how that piles up. In a year and a half every man in California will have a wart on his Nose. Powerful Order! Initiation, five dollars.”

  “My friend,” said the Person Similarly Afflicted, “here are five dollars. Keep my name off your books.”

  “Thank you kindly,” the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied, pocketing the money; “it is just the same to us as if you joined. Good-by.”

  He went away, but in a little while he was back.

  “I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues,” he said.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Divided Delegation

  A Delegation at Washington went to a New President, and said:

  “Your Excellency, we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son to represent us in your Cabinet.”

  “Then,” said the New President, “I shall have to lock you up until you do agree.”

  So the Delegation was cast into the deepest dungeon beneath the moat, where it maintained a divided mind for many weeks, but finally reconciled its differences and asked to be taken before the New President.

  “My child,” said he, “nothing is so beautiful as harmony. My Cabinet Selections were all made before our former interview, but you have supplied a noble instance of patriotism in subordinating your personal preferences to the general good. Go now to your beautiful homes and be happy.”

  It is not recorded that the Delegation was happy.

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  A Forfeited Right

  The Chief of the Weather Bureau having predicted a fine day, a Thrifty Person hastened to lay in a large stock of umbrellas, which he exposed for sale on the sidewalk; but the weather remained clear, and nobody would buy. Thereupon the Thrifty Person brought an action against the Chief of the Weather Bureau for the cost of the umbrellas.

  “Your Honour,” said the defendant’s attorney, when the case was called, “I move that this astonishing action be dismissed. Not only is my client in no way responsible for the loss, but he distinctly foreshadowed the very thing that caused it.”

  “That is just it, your Honour,” replied the counsel for the plaintiff; “the defendant by making a correct forecast fooled my client in the only way that he could do so. He has lied so much and so notoriously that he has neither the legal nor moral right to tell the truth.”

  Judgment for the plaintiff.

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  Revenge

  An Insurance Agent was trying to induce a Hard Man to Deal With to take out a policy on his house. After listening to him for an hour, while he painted in vivid colours the extreme danger of fire consuming the house, the Hard Man to Deal With said:

  “Do you really think it likely that my house will burn down inside the time that policy will run?”

  “Certainly,” replied the Insurance Agent; “have I not been trying all this time to convince you that I do?”

  “Then,” said the Hard Man to Deal With, “why are you so anxious to have your Company bet me money that it will not?”

  The Agent was silent and thoughtful for a moment; then he drew the other apart into an unfrequented place and whispered in his ear:

  “My friend, I will impart to you a dark secret. Years ago the Company betrayed my sweetheart by promise of marriage. Under an assumed name I have wormed myself into its service for revenge; and as there is a heaven above us, I will have its heart’s blood!”

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  An Optimist

  Two Frogs in the belly of a snake were considering their altered circumstances.

  “This is pretty hard luck,” said one.

  “Don’t jump to conclusions,” the other said; “we are out of the wet and provided with board and lodging.”

  “With lodging, certainly,” said the First Frog; “but I don’t see the board.”

  “You are a croaker,” the other explained. “We are ourselves the board.”

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  A Valuable Suggestion

  A Big Nation having a quarrel with a Little Nation, resolved to terrify its antagonist by a grand naval demonstration in the latter’s principal port. So the Big Nation assembled all its ships of war from all over the world, and was about to send them three hundred and fifty thousand miles to the place of rendezvous, when the President of the Big Nation received the following note from the President of the Little Nation:

  “My great and good friend, I hear that you are going to show us your navy, in order to impress us with a sense of your power. How needless the expense! To prove to you that we already know all about it, I inclose herewith a list and description of all the ships you have.”

  The great and good friend was so struck by the hard sense of the letter that he kept his navy at home, and saved one thousand million dollars. This economy enabled him to buy a satisfactory decision when the cause of the quarrel was submitted to arbitration.

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  Two Footpads

  Two Footpads sat at their grog in a roadside resort, comparing the evening’s adventures.

  “I stood up the Chief of Police,” said the First Footpad, “and I got away with what he had.”

  “And I,” said the Second Footpad, “stood up the United States District Attorney, and got away with—”

  “Good Lord!” interrupted the other in astonishment and admiration—”you got away with what that fellow had?”

  “No,” the unfortunate narrator explained—”with a small part of what I had.”

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  Equipped for Service

  During the Civil War a Patriot was passing through the State of Maryland with a pass from the President to join Grant’s army and see the fighting. Stopping a day at Annapolis, he visited the shop of a well-known optician and ordered seven powerful telescopes, one for every day in the week. In recognition of this munificent patronage of the State’s languishing industries, the Governor commissioned him a colonel.

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  The Basking Cyclone

  A Negro in a boat, gathering driftwood, saw a sleeping Alligator, and, thinking it was a log, fell to estimating the number of shingles it would make for his new cabin. Having satisfied his mind on that point, he stuck his boat-hook into the beast’s back to harvest his good fortune. Thereupon the saurian emerged from his dream and took to the water, greatly to the surprise of the man-and-brother.

  “I never befo’ seen such a cyclone as dat,” he exclaimed as soon as he had recovered his breath. “It done carry away de ruf of my house!”

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  At the Pole

  After a great expenditure of life and treasure a Daring Explorer had succeeded in reaching the North Pole, when he was approached by a Native Galeut who lived there.

  “Good morning,” said the Native Galeut. “I’m very glad to see you, but why did you come here?”

  “Glory,” said the Daring Explorer, curtly.

  “Yes, yes, I know,” the other persisted; “but of what benefit to man is your discovery? To what truths does it give access which were inaccessible before? — facts, I mean, having a scientific value?”

  “I’ll be Tom scatted if I know,” the great man replied, frankly; “you will have to ask the Scientist of the Expedition.”

  But the Scientist of the Expedition explained that he had been so engrossed with the care of his instruments and the study of his tables that he had found no time to think of it.

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Fantastic Fables

  The Optimist and the Cynic

  A Man who had experienced the favours of fortune and was an Optimist, met a man who had experienced an optimist and was a Cynic. So the Cynic turned out of the road to let the Optimist roll by in his gold carriage.

  “My son,” said the Optimist, stopping the gold carriage, “you look as if you had not a friend in the world.”

  “I don’t know if I have or not,” replied the Cynic, “for you have the world.”

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  The Poet and the Editor

  “My dear sir,” said the editor to the man, who had called to see about his poem, “I regret to say that owing to an unfortunate altercation in this office the greater part of your manuscript is illegible; a bottle of ink was upset upon it, blotting out all but the first line — that is to say—”

  “‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling.’

  “Unluckily, not having read the poem, I was unable to supply the incidents that followed; otherwise we could have given them in our own words. If the news is not stale, and has not already appeared in the other papers, perhaps you will kindly relate what occurred, while I make notes of it.

  “‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling,’

  “Go on.”

  “What!” said the poet, “do you expect me to reproduce the entire poem from memory?”

  “Only the substance of it — just the leading facts. We will add whatever is necessary in the way of amplification and embellishment. It will detain you but a moment.

  “‘The autumn leaves were falling, falling—’

  “Now, then.”

  There was a sound of a slow getting up and going away. The chronicler of passing events sat through it, motionless, with suspended pen; and when the movement was complete Poesy was represented in that place by nothing but a warm spot on the wooden chair.

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  The Taken Hand

  A Successful Man of Business, having occasion to write to a Thief, expressed a wish to see him and shake hands.

  “No,” replied the Thief, “there are some things which I will not take — among them your hand.”

  “You must use a little strategy,” said a Philosopher to whom the Successful Man of Business had reported the Thief’s haughty reply. “Leave your hand out some night, and he will take it.”

  So one night the Successful Man of Business left his hand out of his neighbour’s pocket, and the Thief took it with avidity.

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  An Unspeakable Imbecile

  A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin:

  “Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death-sentence should not be passed upon you?”

  “Will what I say make any difference?” asked the Convicted Assassin.

  “I do not see how it can,” the Judge answered, reflectively. “No, it will not.”

  “Then,” said the doomed one, “I should just like to remark that you are the most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the District of Columbia.”

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  A Needful War

  The people of Madagonia had an antipathy to the people of Novakatka and set upon some sailors of a Novakatkan vessel, killing two and wounding twelve. The King of Madagonia having refused either to apologise or pay, the King of Novakatka made war upon him, saying that it was necessary to show that Novakatkans must not be slaughtered. In the battles which ensued the people of Madagonia slaughtered two thousand Novakatkans and wounded twelve thousand. But the Madagonians were unsuccessful, which so chagrined them that never thereafter in all their land was a Novakatkan secure in property or life.

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  The Mine Owner and the Jackass

  While the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a convention of his species he was accosted by a Jackass, who said:

  “By an unjust discrimination against quadrupeds I am made ineligible to a seat in your convention; so I am compelled to seek representation through you.”

  “It will give me great pleasure, sir,” said the Owner of a Silver Mine, “to serve one so closely allied to me in — in — well, you know,” he added, with a significant gesture of his two hands upward from the sides of his head. “What do you want?”

  “Oh, nothing — nothing at all for myself individually,” replied the Donkey; “but his country’s welfare should be a patriot’s supreme care. If Americans are to retain the sacred liberties for which their fathers strove, Congress must declare our independence of European dictation by maintaining the price of mules.”

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  The Dog and the Physician

  A Dog that had seen a Physician attending the burial of a wealthy patient, said: “When do you expect to dig it up?”

  “Why should I dig it up?” the Physician asked.

  “When I bury a bone,” said the Dog, “it is with an intention to uncover it later and pick it.”

  “The bones that I bury,” said the Physician, “are those that I can no longer pick.”

  The Party Manager and the Gentleman

  A Party Manager said to a Gentleman whom he saw minding his own business:

  “How much will you pay for a nomination to office?”

  “Nothing,” the Gentleman replied.

  “But you will contribute something to the campaign fund to assist in your election, will you not?” asked the Party Manager, winking.

  “Oh, no,” said the Gentleman, gravely. “If the people wish me to work for them, they must hire me without solicitation. I am very comfortable without office.”

  “But,” urged the Party Manager, “an election is a thing to be desired. It is a high honour to be a servant of the people.”

  “If servitude is a high honour,” the Gentleman said, “it would be indecent for me to seek it; and if obtained by my own exertion it would be no honour.”

  “Well,” persisted the Party Manager, “you will at least, I hope, indorse the party platform.”

  The Gentleman replied: “It is improbable that its authors have accurately expressed my views without consulting me; and if I indorsed their work without approving it I should be a liar.”

  “You are a detestable hypocrite and an idiot!” shouted the Party Manager.

  “Even your good opinion of my fitness,” replied the Gentleman, “shall not persuade me.”

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  The Legislator and the Citizen

  An ex-Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to the Governor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs.

  “Sir,” said the Most Respectable Citizen, austerely, “were you not once in the State Senate?”

  “Not so bad as that, sir, I assure you,” was the reply. “I was a member of the Slower House. I was expelled for selling my influence for money.”

  “And you dare to ask for mine!” shouted the Most Respectable Citizen. “You have the impudence? A man who will accept bribes will probably offer them. Do you mean to—”

  “I should not think of making a corrupt proposal to you, sir; but if I were Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs, I might have some influence with the water-front population, and be able to help you make your fight for Coroner.”

  “In that case I do not feel justified in denying you the letter.”

  So he took his pen, and, some demon guiding his hand, he wrote, greatly to his astonishment:

  “Who sells his influence should stop it, An honest man will only swap it.”

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  The Rainmaker

  An Officer of the Government, with a great outfit of mule-waggons loaded with balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus, halted in the midst of a desert, where there had been no rain for ten years, and set up a camp.
After several months of preparation and an expenditure of a million dollars all was in readiness, and a series of tremendous explosions occurred on the earth and in the sky. This was followed by a great down-pour of rain, which washed the unfortunate Officer of the Government and the outfit off the face of creation and affected the agricultural heart with joy too deep for utterance. A Newspaper Reporter who had just arrived escaped by climbing a hill near by, and there he found the Sole Survivor of the expedition — a mule-driver — down on his knees behind a mesquite bush, praying with extreme fervour.

  “Oh, you can’t stop it that way,” said the Reporter.

  “My fellow-traveller to the bar of God,” replied the Sole Survivor, looking up over his shoulder, “your understanding is in darkness. I am not stopping this great blessing; under Providence, I am bringing it.”

  “That is a pretty good joke,” said the Reporter, laughing as well as he could in the strangling rain—”a mule driver’s prayer answered!”

  “Child of levity and scoffing,” replied the other; “you err again, misled by these humble habiliments. I am the Rev. Ezekiel Thrifft, a minister of the gospel, now in the service of the great manufacturing firm of Skinn & Sheer. They make balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus.”

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  The Citizen and the Snakes

  A Public–Spirited Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to secure a National political convention for his city suffered acutely from dejection. While in that frame of mind he leaned thoughtlessly against a druggist’s show-window, wherein were one hundred and fifty kinds of assorted snakes. The glass breaking, the reptiles all escaped into the street.