by Craig Birk
Interlude One
Gary (.00000001)
Gary’s mother, Melinda Johnson, met his father, Timothy Williams, after a football game at the University of Minnesota in 1968. The whole thing was really about as “America and Apple Pie” as it gets except for the fact that the Vietnam situation made it hard for anyone to have a good time without feeling guilty about it, especially after the Tet Offensive earlier in the year had effectively proved the optimists wrong.
Melinda was a psychology major starting her junior year. She was starting to get nervous because she still didn’t have a steady boyfriend and her two best friends had already secured promise rings. Given that she was already on the wrong side of twenty, she was starting to feel she may be left behind. As everyone knew, if you were not married by twenty-four, you were likely destined to end up alone in a houseful of cats. Besides, she had already had sex with two guys and would consider herself a total slut if she didn’t settle down soon. The whole summer of love thing took a slower pace in Minnesota.
Nevertheless, on this evening she was enjoying herself, especially because it was another month before the below-zero weather would kick in. Even so, she had a few shots of bourbon during the game to keep warm. The Golden Gophers put on a seventeen point ass-kicking of Iowa State. Melinda didn’t care much about the game, but the result seemed to put everyone else in a good mood so she was happy about it.
She first noticed Tim toward the end of the first half. Actually, it was her friend Barbara who noticed and pointed him out to her. Tim was sitting in her row, one section to the right. It was not until after the game, when they ended up at the same off-campus party, that she was able to talk to him. Tim made her laugh, didn’t get obnoxiously drunk like most guys, and had similar views on most political topics. He was wishy-washy enough about Vietnam that it didn’t create any reason for her not to see him again (she was adamantly opposed).
Despite her best efforts to be good, Tim became number three before the next home game, a disappointing thirteen-point loss to Notre Dame. But his efforts in bed were not at all disappointing and by the time the thermometer dropped below freezing they were in love. Of course at that age love and lust were indistinguishable. With little incentive to go out in the cold, sex was a frequent activity. By spring they had done it a hundred and seventy-nine times, though no one was counting. But all of these, even the first, paled in comparison to number nine hundred and sixty-two. Included somewhere between number one seventy-nine and number nine sixty-two were a lot of condoms, a wedding ceremony, first jobs, more condoms, a brief stint on the pill, more condoms, and then a miracle.
In the early morning of July 18th, 1974, one of Timothy Williams’ microscopic little sperm achieved its primary objective while heading up Melinda Williams’ vaginal canal. Roughly nine months later, on April 20th, 1975, Gary Williams achieved his primary objective of the day, heading back out the other way. While he would generally be a quiet kid, he was crying like all hell when he came out. Still, everyone involved agreed it was a marvelous day. A healthy baby boy arrived who would get to experience all the great highs and lows and achievements (hopefully) that his father did before him. And what could be better than that?
As for Gary himself, he didn’t have much of an opinion on that day. For the most part, his undeveloped little brain was just trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. And he cried. And then he got food. And then he pooped. And so life started for Gary “G-Balls” Williams.