I think I would have felt better if my last words were about love, but instead I’d only reassured her that her secret was safe with me. I didn’t plan on ever telling my brother, or anyone else that I’d slept with Kat. She didn’t deserve to suffer because of my actions.
After a whole day of traveling, I’d arrived at intake. So many men and women my age stood around waiting to be called and assigned. One by one we were taken to areas to start the long process. During the first week I said goodbye to civilian clothes, lost all of my hair to a buzz-cut, and prepared for the physical aspects of the following week. Testing mental and physical endurance would have been easier if the drill sergeant wasn’t such a hard ass. I swear that there was no possible way someone should be able to yell as much as this guy did. No matter what he was talking about, it was in a piercing announcement. For the most part, I was thankful that he pushed us to the limit because if I wasn’t so exhausted I don’t know if I would have been able to sleep. My last thought every night before I closed my eyes was of Kat, and how I’d left things so unhinged. Thinking that she hated me made me work harder. I couldn’t fail at this too because I’d have nothing left of my own.
During the fourth week we practiced and learned marksmanship. I never knew that there was so much to learn about a weapon. We were taught how to hold each gun, how to breathe, and even how to break it down to clean it.
The fifth and sixth week forced us to work together with our fellow members. It wasn’t always a success, and I say that with a grain of salt, because sometimes I felt as if I was the weakest link. It was there that I started to get close with two fellow trainees. Mullins, or Trevor Mullins that is, was from Kentucky. He’d just gotten married, and they were expecting their first child. Amanda Taylor was also someone I found interesting. It was obvious that she’d been raised by her father. The girl could bench press a large man, and she didn’t hold back her opinions. Nothing about her reminded me of Kat, making it easier for me. Her blonder hair was always tied back, so I’m not very sure how long it actually was, but her huge brown eyes were what really stood out. I read once that a person’s eyes stayed the same size since birth. If that was the case than as a baby she must have looked like an alien. Now, it had become a good feature, not that I’d ever bring it up in conversation.
For the next four weeks the three of us teamed up during our drills and helped each other as much as we were able to. After the tenth and final week we graduated basic training, but that was only the beginning for me. I’d found a liking to weapons and wanted to pursue a position that would enable me to get out on the battlefield.
You have to understand that at this point I was only fueled by motivation to keep trucking forward. My aspirations of ever being happy were replaced with taking risks because honestly I felt as if I had nothing to go home to.
I hooked up with Amanda after a month of us being friends. I didn’t do it to erase Kat, or forget all the feelings that I clearly still had for her. I did it because I was tired of feeling so alone. I could tell she was in the same boat. We both needed reprieve, so one night, after a lot of drinks, we decided to go at it like rabbits. Admittedly it helped for a short while. That first night I slept like a rock, so we continued doing it, sneaking around at night when everyone was asleep. There were no feelings on my part. I’d made that clear from the beginning. Amanda, on the other hand, had gotten carried away, reading too much into it.
When I knew it was time to stop, she agreed. We were headed in different directions, and I used that as my excuse to let her down easy.
Mullins watched his child being born from an internet video chat box. I sat next to him, staring in shock as his wife labored and struggled to birth his daughter. I honestly had to close my eyes when it began to happen. It felt too intrusive, like I didn’t have a right to witness it. As they pulled the crying baby out, cleaned her off and stuck her in the mother’s arms, I watched my friend fall apart. He wanted nothing more than to be there for them. He’d become a father in that moment, and I was grateful he wanted me there to experience it with him.
In the next few weeks, I watched him break down too many times to count. We were supposed to be strong soldiers, rangers, but inside we all had our demons.
One night after doing drills, we found Amanda passed out in the bathroom. She was unresponsive at first. Mullins and I watched them carting her out, not knowing what was going on with our friend. Come to find out she’d taken a bunch of pills and left a note on her pillow. She said she couldn’t handle it anymore, and that going home was never going to be an option.
We never saw her after that night, not even when we graduated.
The longer I was away, the easier it got to pretend that I hadn’t left my heart back at home. Honestly, I’d learned to shove all of my emotions to the farthest place in my mind. I experienced loss, life, and brutality. It made me strong on the outside, but unlike how I pictured, I could see that every person around me had their own personal flaws.
I learned to hide my feelings, to stay distracted, and distance myself from the things that hurt too much to think about.
Even my calls to my parents were quick. I could tell they were worried, but also knew they were trying to prepare for Kat and Branch to move to Salisbury to start college. Soon they’d be home alone, without any of us kids. I just hoped they’d remain together, because after all this time, I still worried my parents had stayed together for the three of us kids.
It took me about a year to come to grips with being able to communicate with Kat again. In that time I’d trained to be a ranger, and parts of me were obviously changed. She’d been sending me letters, never saying much on a personal level. I think she felt like she was including me in her day-to-day as if we still lived under the same roof. At least once a week I’d been getting mail for the past several months. Sitting down to write her back, after all the time that had passed, was so difficult.
I was a different person than the young man that walked onto that bus. Even though I’d seen my parents when I graduated boot camp, I hadn’t seen Kat or my brother since that day in June when I left.
I think I wrote five letters before settling on something simple. I wanted her to know I was okay, but couldn’t lead on that I missed her. I was a soldier. I was strong, and brave, but when it came to Kat, I was weak.
Dear Kat,
Thanks for writing me all those letters. Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. My life’s been busy and I know yours has too. I hear you and Branch are doing well from Mom’s letters. Tell him I said hi.
I will try to write more.
Love, Brooks
Her return letter was just as boring.
Dear Brooks,
I can’t believe you finally wrote me back. I was beginning to think that you’d forgotten all about me. Yesterday I tried snails for the first time. The texture grossed me out, but I managed to swallow them without barfing. I’ll write to you again soon. Please keep in touch as we all miss you.
Love, Katy
We kept in contact up until Christmas. That’s when I got the news that reminded me of still having feelings.
I’d called home to wish my parents a happy holiday and hung up after hearing about the engagement of Kat and Branch. Aside from feeling sick to my stomach, I couldn’t understand how I’d ever be able to be around them. I’d thought I’d been strong enough to let her have a happy life with Branch, but that wasn’t the case. Hearing that news made every single painful emotion come right back into play. I was a nervous wreck, who refused to respond to something that would forever destroy me. Even though I’d known this day would come, I wasn’t able to grasp the fact that she’d never be mine.
I realize that made no sense. She was never actually mine to begin with, not since we were little, but this was like a forever kind of commitment. If she married Branch I’d never have my chance.
That night I had a burger for Christmas dinner and shared my table with the one friend who had spent the last year at
my side. It wasn’t fancy, or even something memorable, and it certainly wasn’t as cozy as looking across the table and seeing Kat smiling back at me, but it would suffice. It would keep from wanting to high tail it to Mexico and drown my sorrows in tequila.
In the next year, I fought with myself over staying in contact with Kat. There wasn’t a single day that passed where I didn’t miss her sweet voice, but I knew calling or writing would only drudge up old memories, while she was busy making new ones with my brother. That’s why, for a while, I refused to keep in contact with Kat, or anyone else. To keep them convinced that I was fine, I’d randomly mail a short note to each of them.
Much to my surprise I received a message to contact my brother because it was apparently an emergency. In that moment I pictured Kat injured, or even worse. I closed my eyes and attempted to erase the image, unsuccessfully. The phone rang three times before he answered. “Brooks, is that you?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong? Is Kat okay?”
“Of course you’d be worried about her,” he said rudely.
“What is it then? Are mom and dad okay?”
“The only person who isn’t okay is me, brother. You see, I just found a letter for my bride to be, from my so-called best man. What I want to know is how my own brother could sneak into my girlfriend’s room and fuck her? How could you, Brooks? You could have any girl you wanted in high school, why would you go after mine?”
I clenched my jaw to prevent from saying what would clearly end our relationship. “Does she know you found the letter?”
“You’re not going to answer me?”
“Whatever I say won’t make a difference. Yeah, I went into her room those nights, and yeah things became heated, but you have to know that she thought I was you, both times. In fact,” this was only for his benefit, and I was obviously lying through my teeth. “She doesn’t even know it happened. Branch, I never told her.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Those nights she was a mess. I only went in there because I heard her crying, and it was keeping me awake. Both times she practically begged me to be with her. When she called me by your name I didn’t correct her. This is all my fault.”
“Consider yourself uninvited to the wedding. No brother of mine would be so vindictive. Just so you know, I’m still marrying Katy. Hell, I’d marry her just so you can’t.”
“For the record, Branch, you knew all along how I felt about her. Did you really expect me to hold in my feelings forever?”
“Fuck you! We’re done.”
I wanted nothing more than to hang up on him, but knew I was in the wrong. No matter how much I loved Kat, I’d stepped over the line that was never to be crossed. “Branch, I’m sorry. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could take it back.”
The line was silent, and then I finally realized he’d hung up on me. That evening, while I was lying on my bunk, I heard my phone vibrate. When I checked the message I saw that it was from my brother. “She’s not going to marry me unless you’re a part of it.”
“Tell her I’ve been shipped overseas. Tell her they are deploying me. Tell everyone for all I care.”
“If I find out she knows, all hell is going to break loose. I’m warning you now.”
I wasn’t afraid of my brother, or his threats. He could shove them up his ass and twirl around for all I cared.
I wished that phone call had been the end of it, but a letter from Kat told me I was wrong.
Dear Brooks,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, and maybe I should have told you a long time ago, but I found your letter in the tree house. Before I make you hate me, I want you to know that your words touched my heart. I don’t hate you for being there for me. I was mad, but I didn’t hate you.
Look, I took the note to your room and put it under your pillow so you’d find it when you visited. I didn’t know someone else would go in there.
Now it’s missing and I’m freaking out. Someone knows your secret; our secret.
Please don’t hate me, Brooks.
Love, Kat
PS: Please come home for the wedding. Whatever happens we can explain that it was all in the past. We’re a family and we’ll work through it.
At first I didn’t know how to respond. Obviously she didn’t know Branch had been the one to find the letter, and she certainly hadn’t suspected that he’d already called to rip me a new ass. What bothered me the most was the secrets being kept between two people that were about to marry.
Figuring that I should leave well enough alone, I refused to write her back at first. Then, after two weeks of letting it all simmer, I decided she need not worry about the letter, so she could focus on everything else that was more important to her.
Dear Kat,
I can see how you’re freaking out right now. You don’t need to be. The person that found the letter isn’t going to say anything, I can assure you of that.
Maybe if you weren’t always going into my room when you visited, they wouldn’t have went looking.
Anyway, it doesn’t even matter now. All is good and you can calm down.
As far as me coming home for the wedding, that may be a problem. I’m being deployed in January to Afghanistan and I’ve signed on to stay for two years.
By the time you get this letter Mom and Dad will already know and I will have made them promise to let me call Branch to tell him the bad news.
I’m really sorry I can’t be there to see you walk down the aisle. I know you’ll be the most beautiful woman that this world has ever seen.
Take care of my brother and yourself.
Love, Brooks
That next day I volunteered myself to be shipped to Afghanistan. Nothing else mattered. I had no reason to be optimistic about a future. My life had ended the day I signed it away to the Armed Forces. I knew what I was getting into, proving only that going home would never be an option. They’d all be better off if I never returned.
Chapter 8
I’ll never forget the July morning when my cell phone rang with a familiar number displayed across it. By the time I got the nerve to answer she’d already hung up. My reaction wasn’t well thought though it didn’t need to be. Talking to Kat came natural. I redialed her number and listened to her answering. Suddenly everything I’d worked so hard to forget was right back as if it had only been pretending to be dormant.
Her voice filled my senses, making the hairs stand up on my skin. I could feel my body shaking, reminding me that after so long I was really hearing her talk.
“Hello?”
“What, did you change your mind or something? Is my voice not as sexy as it was before?” I wasn’t sure if breaking the ice with humor was a good idea, but I did it anyway, out of my own uncomfortableness. I hadn’t practiced this because I swore it would never happen. Even though I’d spoke to my brother, it was obvious he didn’t want the two of us communicating.
Her laughter allowed me to know that she was in good spirits. “Your voice is fine. I just… I had to sneak to get your number, and I don’t really know why I’m calling. I guess I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Is it everything you wanted it to be?” I teased.
“All that and then some.” God, I missed her so much. A constant ache was tugging my heart, forcing me to face the truth, and it was very clear. No matter how much space I put between us, it would never change the amount of love I felt for her.
“I miss you, Kat. It gets real lonely sometimes. On nights like that, I wish I could call you and talk about damn near anything to pass the time. You and I never ran out of things to talk about, did we?” I could hear her sniffling. “Please don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it. I think Branch is keeping us from each other and I don’t get it. We’re family, and he knows how important you’ve always been to me. You’re thousands of miles away. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want us talking.”
So I’d been right. “Kat, Branch found the letter. He went
into my room after you fell asleep and read it. He called me that morning before you woke up.” I couldn’t believe he hadn’t mentioned it to her. If she was my girlfriend, I’d want answers. I would have gone to her immediately and let her have it. The fact that he hadn’t mentioned it was like a red flag. Something was up with Branch. It was as if he couldn’t bring me up in conversation to Kat, and I wanted to know why.
“What?”
“Yeah. Do you really think that I would talk to everyone else on the phone and not you? If I had to pick anyone to call, you’d be my first choice.”
“He knows about what we did?”
“Yup. He knows.”
“What did he say to you? Did he threaten you? Do your parents know?”
I could almost see her expression clearly as she questioned me. Kat was freaking out, and I couldn’t blame her. This was her livelihood on the line. She’d never be able to face my parents if they knew the truth. Kat was too good of a person to live with that kind of guilt. “Kat, he doesn’t blame you. You didn’t even know, which I’m just going to put it out there, it’s sort of weird. I know I’m a way better lover than my brother, but that’s beside the point.”
She giggled, reassuring me that she was okay.
“Anyway, we had words, and he made threats. It’s why I wasn’t going to come to the wedding.”
She interrupted. “You have to come, Brooks. I want you there.”
“Yeah, I heard. When he called to tell me the date had been moved up, I was shocked I was invited again. He’s pretty much said that if I come within ten feet of you and he isn’t around he’s going to kill me with his bare hands. Honestly, I’d like to see that fucker try it. After all this time, I’m pretty sure I’d rip him apart.”
“Okay, I don’t need to know all that. Forgive me for saying that, but I find it hard to believe that he’s never confronted me about us being together.”
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 5