Spence laid next to me when we were finished. Our bodies were covered in sweat, and it was hard to not want a gallon of water to quench my thirst. She looked up into my eyes and giggled. “So that’s what it’s like to be with the real Brooks Valentine.”
I reached forward and kissed her on the head. “You made me do it.”
She tapped on my chest. “She’s a lucky girl.”
“I wouldn’t say that. I’ve pretty much ruined her life.”
“When you get home, make sure you don’t stop looking for her. Don’t give up. No matter how much it hurts, keep searching for her.” I was shocked when I heard her starting to cry. I lifted her and held her close against my chest. “What’s wrong?”
“I want to go home, Brooks. I miss my boyfriend. No offense to you. I’m glad I have you in my life right now. It’s not the same though. I need to feel him holding me.”
“Yeah. I get it. Don’t cry though. You’ll make me feel like shit.”
She laughed through her tears, but before she could respond we heard an approaching vehicle. Since we’d taken the vehicle without permission, and were only in our underwear, we both stood and began scrounging for our fatigues. At first I had her jacket, and she had mine. We tossed them to each other and continued rushing. By the time the vehicle stopped behind us we were at the front, both ducked down checking under the truck.
“Everything alright, soldiers?”
“Yeah, we hit something a while back. I was just checking it out.”
“Okay. I only stopped to make sure you weren’t broken down.”
I came out from under the truck and avoided eye contact with Spence. “Thanks. We’re good. I’m headed back now.”
Once we were both back inside of the truck we began to laugh. “That was close.”
“I’m sure he knew what we were doing.”
“Who cares. He’s just jealous.” I started the truck. “Thanks for today, Spence. It was nice to be on that beach with you.”
“With Katy, you mean?”
“No,” I looked in her direction. “With you. I mean, yeah I imagined you were Kat, but I knew you weren’t. You’re a good friend. For a while I was convinced that I didn’t need anyone while I was over here. I figured if I wasn’t connected to anything I couldn’t get hurt.”
“Yeah, it makes sense, but we’re all feeling the same thing. When I signed on the dotted line I never expected this. I’m holding on for dear life here, too. It’s not easy.”
“Yeah, I just wanted to get away from home. I didn’t think far enough into the future to see this. Don’t get me wrong. I won’t regret defending my country, but I’m spent.”
“You’re a good soldier.”
I tried hard to be the best, even when I doubted myself. “I appreciate that.”
“We should get back.”
I looked at her one more time, wishing we were back on that sand, pretending that life wasn’t falling apart around us. “Yeah, I guess we should.”
December 25th
It’s Christmas.
My mom is making her annual dinner, and I’m sure my brother’s there. An empty space will be left for me and Kat. I wonder where she’ll be eating. Has she made friends? Does she have any presents to open? Is someone else holding her?
I’m trying not to be upset today, but it’s difficult. Yesterday I spent time with a friend, who gave me a nice present. She helped me pretend I was with Kat on a beach. It also broke my heart. More than anything I wanted it to be real.
Wherever Kat is, I hope she’s okay. I don’t want her to be sad. She needs to live her life without regret. I want her to be happy, above everything else, even if that means she’s found another to hold her at night.
Chapter 23
Another year had come and gone, leaving me with more loss. Each day I woke up wondering if it would be my last. I thought about Mullins every day, sometimes I even talked out loud to him, as if he was out there somewhere watching down on me. I knew I’d lost my sanity, and frankly I didn’t care. Life was redundant. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, and I certainly had nothing to look forward to. I was going with the flow.
Being a ranger was tough. Almost weekly I’d been sent out with some mission that required me to take a life. So far I know I’d killed at least ten people; ten people who may have had children, wives, or even living parents. I didn’t know what they’d done before this, and it didn’t matter. If I put thought into it I’d be weak when I knew I had to remain strong. I’d become bitter, lonely, and a man of few words. Even Spence noticed the change, but knew she could do little to change me. She too was going through the motions of figuring it out for herself. The first time she’d shot her gun she came back to base and cried for two days. That’s when I knew it was time to turn off my feelings. I couldn’t have them if I wanted to get through this. I had to be numb.
Then something happened that would change me. In an instant it snapped me back to reality. I almost couldn’t believe that I wasn’t dreaming.
It was mail time. I was sitting on my bed reading one of the books my parents had sent. When they called my name I grabbed the envelope and stuck it to the side until I could finish the chapter I was on. Had I peeked at the return address I would have known right away that the next few pages could have waited.
The moment I picked that letter back up and saw her name I had to do a double take. My stomach knotted up as I ripped it open, eager to see her handwriting that was meant just for me.
Dear Brooks,
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I know it’s been a long time and you may not even want to hear from me. I don’t blame you for hating me. I hate myself for what I did to you.
I walked away from everything because I wasn’t willing to fight. I was a coward.
I’m not writing this letter to beg you for forgiveness. I don’t deserve that. I’m writing to you because I know it’s time to move on. I’ve held onto some crazy idea that one day you’ll be back in my life again.
So, that brings me to the reason that I’m writing you this letter.
Tell me that I shouldn’t hold onto you.
Tell me we’re definitely over, so that I can finally let go.
Katy
I didn’t know what to do. After reading her words nearly twenty times I contemplated what I could do to tell her how long I’d waited for this moment. She was okay, and reaching out to me, but only because she was ready to move on. Asking my permission was like a knife to my heart. Is this what she wanted? After all this time, was she ready to let it go?
I quickly grabbed a piece of paper and began to reply.
Dear Kat,
I hope this letter finds you.
I considered not writing you and letting it be, but I’ve kept things bottled up for so long and I don’t know where to begin.
I’ll start by asking you the one question that has been on my mind for two years now. Why did you run?
Please tell me it wasn’t because you regretted being with me. Still, to this day, nothing has ever compared to feeling you in my arms that night.
My life hasn’t been easy the past two years. I’ve seen things that I wish I could wipe out of my memory and just when I think it can’t get any worse, I see something even more devastating. I’ve seen children slaughtered and fathers being shot by their own sons and brothers.
I’m sorry for sharing that. It’s just so hard, living here.
I still miss you every day Kat, so I guess that finally brings me to answer your question.
If you think it’s time to let go, I will understand. Just know that I’ve thought about you every day since you walked out of my life. I’ll never give up on you.
Take care of yourself in whatever you decide.
Love always,
Brooks
When I saw Spence it was hard to contain myself. Right away she knew something was up. “Who are you, and what did you do with Valentine?”
“She wrote me.”
“What?” Seeing the excitement on her face only made it better. She hugged me in front of a ton of people. “Oh my god, that’s awesome. You must be so happy.”
“You could say that.” I pulled the letter out and handed it to her. “Do you want to read it?”
We found a place to sit down, and I watched as she began reading the words Kat had written to me. When she looked up I saw a worried look in her eyes. “Please tell me you wrote her back?”
“Yeah, I mailed it already.”
“What did you say?”
“I told her I was glad to hear from her and if she wanted to move on with her life I would be okay with it.”
She slapped me on the back of the head. “You idiot! Are you crazy? She was reaching out to you. You weren’t supposed to let her go. She wrote that so you’d tell her to hold on.”
“What?” I was immediately concerned.
“When a woman writes this it’s because she needs to see you haven’t given up hope. You just basically told her to go out and find someone else.”
“Oh shit. What do I do? The mail has already gone out.”
I stood up, but she pulled me back down. “Wait. Just see if she writes back. If she doesn’t, send her another letter.”
“I can’t sit here wondering.”
“Then write her back now. Whatever you do, don’t freak out. If she wants to move on there’s nothing you can do anyway. I think she needed to know you still love her. Hopefully that will be enough to keep her from doing something she’ll regret.”
“This sucks. What if I lost her again?”
“Calm down. You have to be patient. Promise me you won’t go all psycho on the girl? You’ve waited all this time. A couple more days won’t hurt you.”
As much as I appreciated having Spence to keep me in check, I feared she’d been wrong. For weeks I anticipated to get something back from her, but nothing came. Since I was about to head to another area for a few weeks, I knew I had to reach out to her beforehand. After twelve days with no response I wrote her another letter.
Dear Kat,
Okay, I lied when I said that it was okay with me if you let go. It’s not okay.
I’m miserable over here and feel like I have nothing to come home for. I don’t want to see my brother and visiting my parents only reminds me of you.
You’re still everywhere I turn.
God, I miss you so much. I miss the way you smell and the way you twirl your hair when you’re nervous. Most of all, I miss my best friend.
Please Kat. Write me back.
Tell me to go to Hell.
Say something.
I have to go away for a few days, but I’ll check the mail when I get back.
All my love, Brooks
While I was away for work purposely my mind was focused on one thing alone.
Katy Michaels
Thankfully, we weren’t ambushed or held at gunpoint while we were out delivering parcels to the needy. Day after day I found a place to sit and write to her. My first letter during that time flowed so easily, almost like we hadn’t skipped a day from seeing each other. Even though it was about missing her, she was close to my heart again, which made every second of life worth living.
Dear Kat,
I can’t even explain how happy it made me to get your letter. Now, it seems like I can’t stop writing you. Every day I sit down and think of all the things that I want to tell you.
If you saw the pile of paper bundled in my trash can, you’d understand.
While this place lacks the feeling of home, I find peace knowing that you’re out there somewhere thinking about me too. I can only hope that one day, when I’m finally done with this tour, I can see you again. Would you be opposed to that? I understand if I’m being too forward. I just feel like we’ve missed so much time together.
Please write me back as getting your letters is the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time.
Love, Brooks
When I returned to base I was greeted with mail on my bed. I didn’t waste time opening the envelope and reading her words.
Dear Brooks,
I’m happy too. For so long I felt like you hated me. I’ve kept so much pain bottled up inside of me for what I did. I want you to know that walking away from you that day was still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was harder than losing my parents, because I knew I could have changed it, if I’d just been brave enough.
It’s taken me a long time to be able to accept that there are things I could have done to prevent what happened to us. It all starts with admitting that I should have known Branch had lied to me about your feelings.
About your brother…
I almost don’t want to know when he and Melissa hooked up. It isn’t like I care if it happened the day after I left. I knew I didn’t want him. In fact, if I never see him again it will be too soon. Your brother is the reason that we are worlds apart. He’s the reason that we’ve lived in Hell for two years. I will never forgive him for that.
Looking back now, I can actually see how he was full of shit most of the time. It makes me sick knowing I was that naïve.
I should be the one begging you to write me back because I sure as hell don’t deserve your heart after what I did to you and have still been doing to you.
Getting our friendship back would mean everything to me.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Love always,
Katy
I wasn’t surprised to hear that Branch was with her friend. I’d suspected it for a while. A part of me was elated that she could see him for what he was. Finally!
None of that mattered to me anymore though. I had one goal, and that was to have Kat in my arms again. Even though I still had plenty of time overseas, I could now see a future for myself for when I returned.
Kat’s letters explained all about her new life in South Carolina. She seemed like she struggled at first, but had made good friends who’d helped her along the way. Her letters were cheerful and kept me positive while being in the midst of chaos.
I wrote her every single day, sometimes even twice if I had extra time. When responses would come in from her I’d stop what I was doing to read them. It was as if we were dating, but from afar.
I’d been reluctant to call her for a lot of reasons. Mostly it was because I couldn’t hear her voice and not want more. The letters were a good start. They were enough to make the pain go away. For me that was all I could give her, not because I didn’t want to hear her voice telling me she missed me. It was obvious I did. It was more to the point of wanting something special to have to look forward to.
By March I had a whole bag full of her letters; each one of them giving me hope that we were finally going to have our happily ever after. I was optimistic, so much that Spence and Anderson made fun of me.
Then, out of nowhere, I was told that my unit was moving to another location. I can’t say that I was sad about losing my friends. Aside from the occasional sex, I’d grown close to Spence especially. She took the news as hard as I did.
The night before I was set out to leave we met in our secret spot. She cuddled her body up against mine and held it there. “I’m going to miss you, Valentine.”
“Yeah, I’m going to miss you too.”
“I need you to do me a favor.”
“Anything.” She couldn’t know how grateful I was to have had her when I lost Mullins.
“Don’t you dare give up on getting home to Katy. Once you have her, don’t ever let her go.”
“I promise.”
She kissed me on the cheek. “Seize the day, my friend. Godspeed to you.”
Those were the last words that Spence ever said to me.
For a while we were going to be without a way to send mail home. As much as I hated the idea, I knew when I returned there would be letters for me waiting.
Chapter 24
What happened in the next couple days would change my life drastically. This would prove to be the hardes
t mission as a ranger that I’d ever performed. My job was to kill, and I was mentally and physically prepared to do it, because I knew it would get me back to safety, and a day closer to going home.
My mindset was in order, and as direct orders were being delivered to us I stared down at my weapon, making sure it was loaded and I had enough supply of ammo on me to reload accordingly. My heart was racing, fueled by adrenaline and fear. I wasn’t scared of what I had to do. I was scared the aftermath would haunt me forever.
We waited until nightfall to enter into the small city. The quiet of the night was only a camouflage to what awaited us. One by one we crept through the streets, guarded and alert.
The first shots came from the high end of a western point. We all turned around unloaded a few rounds as we ducked for cover. Separated by the situation, I took in my surroundings, located a building to set up and scope out where the enemy was.
The building was clearly vacant since only half of it was still remaining. Once I’d cleared an area near a window I knelt down and set my weapon for better aim. The only way to tell where the shots were coming from was to listen and watch the sky light up.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone running across a street, dressed in white. I knew it wasn’t one of our guys. A second was all it took for me to aim at the moving target and take him down. His body flailed for the few minutes it took for him to die. I reset my weapon and took a few deep breaths before the next target came in sight. From where I was positioned I could see the rest of my unit ducked down in an adjacent building. They signaled me with a flashlight, and I did the same back, giving them confirmation that it was just me. They then used Morse code to let me know that there was a group to my left. I no sooner turned to look to that side of the building when I heard someone running nearby. I turned off my flashlight and hid behind some debris until I could figure out where they were. Shots ricocheted off the stone walls around me and I knew that if I wanted to get out alive I was going to have to face this person head on.
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 15