She curled her face and looked away. Apparently the truth was too much for her to handle. It was too damn bad. I wasn’t going to let up until I had answers. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I couldn’t tell you. After the first letter, I wanted to. I even told myself that if a second one came I was going to tell you all about her. Then you wrote me back and when I got it all I could think about was being with you again. I knew if I told you about Bobby and B it would change everything and so I got scared. The longer it went, the more scared I became until finally the letters stopped coming. Brooks, you have to believe me. I wanted you to know. I’ve always wanted you to know.”
I ran my hands through my hair while trying to keep my cool. “It doesn’t even matter now, does it? We can’t go back. What’s done is done.”
She raised her shoulders and sighed. “Yeah. I’m the devil and you wish you never grew up loving me, right?”
“I never said that. Don’t even make this about you.”
“It is about me though. It’s about me and my mistakes. It’s about me holding onto some kind of false hope that someday we could ride off into the sunset with our daughter and live happily ever after.”
All I could do was shake my head. This was impossible. “That’s never going to happen, Kat, not anymore.”
Kat brought her legs up to her chest and put her head down on her knees. “I know.”
For a few minutes we sat there in silence. I didn’t know what else to say to her. I couldn’t change the past, and neither could she. We were both faced with a future. The chain of events that had brought us to this point was from years of miscommunication. We had to fix this because now there was a child involved.
Our child.
Since it was clear she had nothing left to say, I took it upon myself to say goodbye. “I better get going. I need to check in.” I grabbed my keys out of my pocket. “I’ve got a lot of figuring out to do, but I’m coming by here once a day to see Brooklyn. You can choose to be here, or arrange to meet me somewhere that I can spend time alone with her. The choice is up to you.”
When I started to walk toward the door she ran after me. “Brooks, wait.”
I needed to get out of there. Holding it together in front of her was becoming harder as the time passed. I required space; time to take it all in. “Kat, don’t ask me for anything right now. You can’t just throw all this on me and expect us to go back to being the way we were. I’m really biting my tongue from saying what’s on my mind. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I probably have every right to, but I’d like to think I’m better than that. Besides, I’d never want you to feel the betrayal that you’ve made me feel. So, let’s just call it a night and we’ll see if tomorrow it gets easier.”
She closed her eyes, peering down at the floor. “For what it’s worth, I think she knows you’re important to her. I could see it when you were holding her. She’s young, Brooks. She’ll never be able to remember a time when you weren’t in her life.”
I let out an air-filled laugh, feeling so betrayed. If she thought for a second this would make me feel better, she was dead wrong. “She may not remember, but I will. For nearly seven hundred days she’s been here on this earth and I never knew she existed.”
Then she became defensive. “You were in another country. Even if you knew, what were you going to do? Would you have escaped the country just to get court marshaled and ordered back? Think about it, Brooks. How hard would it have been for you knowing that I left town with only the clothes on my back? I didn’t know anyone here and then found out I was carrying the child of a man who wasn’t going to return for years. Even if I told you, what would it have changed? You missed contact with her since you got here, which has only been a couple of months, in which if I knew you were here, I would have come to you. So tell me, Brooks. Look at me and tell me how all of this is my fault. You left me too, you know. You left me before we even had a chance. No matter if I would have stayed in that hotel room with you, I would have still watched you leave for Afghanistan and that would have been even harder to do. You think I did all of this to spite you. I did it because I knew that either way I was going to lose you.”
I got up in her face, like I did when were kids. “Don’t go there. You kept the secret from me.”
“We weren’t even talking!” She reiterated.
“Because you walked out on me, on us.” I wasn’t at fault.
“Because you were too much of a pussy to admit that you were in love with me the whole time.”
The room was silent. This hurt me. “Kat, you knew how I felt,” I whispered.
She shook her head, denying it. “No. I didn’t.” Her hands went up in the air. “We’ve both made mistakes and maybe mine were worse. I can’t change the past. I can’t change that I spent years with your brother. I can’t change the fact that I ran away from what we had, and I certainly can’t change having our daughter and finding someone to take care of us when you weren’t around. You didn’t have to join the military, Brooks. You could have fought for us too.”
I clenched my jaw and tightened my mouth. This was making me frustrated. “I need to leave.”
As I started walking toward my truck she spoke again. “You were always good at walking away.”
This pissed me off. I hadn’t run from her. I ran because she wanted someone else. “I refuse to do this with you tonight, Kat. I’m mad and I need to take some time to calm down. I have a shift in the morning, but I can be here around three. Have my daughter dressed and ready to go.”
“You’re not taking her without me.” Was she going to try to control me?
I put my hands in the air. “Great! Why don’t you invite your husband so we can be one big happy family?”
“I don’t know why I ever loved you!”
Her words made me laugh. She was full of shit. “I feel the same way,” I lied.
I made it halfway down the driveway before my words started to haunt me. I couldn’t do this with Kat. I couldn’t tell her things to make myself feel better. We had to move forward, instead of dwelling on what we couldn’t change.
I backed up my truck and got out, walking until we were face to face. “Take it back.”
Her hands went to her hips as she held her ground. “No!”
I scratched my head, giving myself a second to think of what to say. “You see, I can’t go to bed mad, so I’m not leaving until you take it back.”
She crossed her arms and huffed. “I guess you’re going to be standing here for a while then.”
“You know, I could be a real dick right now if I wanted to be.”
“Who said you aren’t already?” Her cocked eyebrow made me want to smile. I missed this about her. I missed everything about her.
“Some things never change, I see.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You can’t lie to my face. You never could.”
Finally she surrendered. “Fine! I don’t wish I never loved you. Are you happy now?”
That was enough for me to walk away. Above anything else, Kat was back in my life, and we had a child together. For the next fifty years she’d be stuck dealing with me whether she wanted to or not. “Our daughter is beautiful, Kat, just like I always knew our kids would be. Have her ready tomorrow. I’ll be here at three thirty, and we’re going out, with or without you.”
My drive back to the base was thought consuming. I had a reason to live again.
Two reasons.
Kat and Brooklyn.
Chapter 30
It was difficult to sleep when I was so wired about meeting my daughter. I laid there all night staring up at the ceiling, wondering what I should do next. I was going to need to find a bigger place that I could bring her to. Eventually she’d stay overnight with me, so she’d need her own room. I’d have to get toys, and even clothes. I’d have to learn how to change diapers, and what little girls needed. I’d have to get special soaps, and shampoo that didn’t burn her eyes. I’d need
a car seat, and probably one of those strollers.
I needed to know when she was born, and what she’d want for her birthday. All of these ideas were popping in my head at once. It was both amazing and scary at the same time.
When the sun came up, I realized I’d spent most of the night worried. It was harder to go to my office when all I wanted to do was see my little girl again. Already I missed her.
While at my desk, I called my parents house. I don’t know what I was planning to say because it happened so quick. I guess my conscious was making decisions for me. As soon as my mom got on the line I stuttered to find words to tell her what had happened. Instead of spilling the beans over a phone call, I decided it was best if I invited them to come visit. When we were all together, I’d let them meet their grand child. I’m sure they were going to have a ton of questions, mostly for Kat. I just needed to get her on board with the idea.
Later, I checked the internet for apartments and small houses. I talked to my commander about possibly moving into a bigger place on base and finally explained why. He gave me good advice, having been a dad himself. He even seemed to be sympathetic when I explained my whole situation.
By noon I was ready to explode. I kept playing with my keys, anxious to get in my truck and head over to see my girl. I wondered if I should have brought a gift this time, or maybe that was too much. I didn’t want to seem like I was buying my way in.
By three twenty I was sitting in their driveway. Kat’s husband Bobby came outside to greet me. “Sorry about last night. I won’t barge in again. This transition needs to be more organized.”
“I agree. I may have overreacted last night.”
“I’m not here to cause problems in your marriage. I just want to know my daughter.” I could tell this got to him; the fact that I’d called her mine. It was hard to put myself in his shoes. He’d been the only dad that child had known. Now I’d come into the picture and expected to have the title. It must have been killing him.
“I appreciate that.” He looked away for a second. “Come on in. Katy’s been sleeping for a couple hours. She had a rough night after you left. None of this has been easy for her.”
“I know the feeling.”
He led me inside to find B watching a show on television. She was dancing around not even paying any attention to us. “I’ll go get her up.”
It wasn’t until a commercial came on that she turned to see me sitting there.
She wobbled from side to side, smiling, and then ran over and jumped on my lap. “Hey, pretty girl. Whoa. Careful.” I held onto her as she started climbing up to remove my hat.
“Out.” She pointed to the door then climbed down to show me something.
I followed her seeing she was looking at her swing set. “You want to go there?”
“Go. Go.”
I picked up her and carried her outside. When I sat her down she ran over to the swing and looked in my direction. I lifted her in it and started pushing. She held onto the sides and smiled as the wind hit her face. Each time she laughed, so did I. She had that effect on me.
I heard the porch door closing and knew someone had come outside, but paid them no attention. I was too busy with my little girl to care about anything else. In fact, I could have spent my whole evening swinging her and been completely content. She was already everything to me, and I wanted her to know it.
“You’re so pretty,” I said as I continued pushing her higher.
Finally I heard the grass crunching behind me. One quick look showed me it was Kat. Her eyes were still swollen. I could tell she was struggling with everything that had transpired between us. “Hey. Sorry about that. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
I laughed sarcastically. “You think I could sleep? Kat, I just found out that I have a kid. Every aspect of my life is about to change. Sleep is the last thing that’s on my mind.”
For a second she stood next to me without saying anything. She just kept watching what I was doing. “So would it be easier if I drove since I have the car seat in my car already?”
I halted the swing and began to lift Brooklyn out. “Yeah if you don’t mind.”
When we got inside the car I sat her in the safety seat and felt overwhelmed. There was too much going on to know what went where. “I might need your help. I’ve never done this before.”
Kat laughed at me as if anyone could have figured it out. “There’s a lot of things you’re going to have to learn.” We both got into the front seats before Kat questioned me. “So where are we going?”
“Is there a park nearby?” I knew Brooklyn liked to swing, but other than that I was lost. She was right. I had a lot to learn.
“There are several. If you really want to see B smile, we should take her to the indoor play park. She gets a kick out of climbing through the tunnels and going down the slides.”
It sounded like a plan, one that I could enjoy and maybe take her to when it was just the two of us. While Kat drove, I turned and talked to our daughter. It was a little uncomfortable being so close to her. For so long I’d wanted to hold her in my arms. For the past two days we’d been together, yet I hadn’t hugged her once. I wasn’t sure if I was okay with that. On one hand, I was angry as hell, on the other, I just wanted her in my life.
I think it was obvious I hadn’t been around children when we walked inside of the play park. The sound of kids screaming as they ran around unattended made me want to hide. I cringe every time one would run by grabbing onto my pants, or stepping on my boots. They were like little terrorists, using their size to attack the larger enemy. Every bone in my body wanted to grab my little girl and protect her from their germ-filled hands.
Kat reached for our daughter, taking her out of my arms. “Come on sweet girl. You want to go play?”
“Mama, slide. I go slide.”
I smiled when she spoke even though I was genuinely worried for her safety. “Have fun, little bug.” I liked the sound of it.
“Bug? You nicknamed our daughter already?”
I shrugged and looked over at her, grinning cheek to cheek. She brought that out in me. In fact, It was hard to remember the last time something had made me so happy. “I couldn’t help it. She’s my little B.”
My little girl made friends with two others quickly. She followed them around the play set, talking up a storm. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was the most beautiful child in the building by far, but probably the prettiest I’d ever seen in my life. She belonged on commercials with her chubby cheeks and little dimples. I was in awe of her.
When I realized we were sitting there so close, I knew we needed to talk. I couldn’t avoid Kat, and she couldn’t do the same to me. There were important issue that needed to be handled. “So, I had a lot to think about when I left last night. I think the first thing that needs to be addressed is my parents. Look, Kat, I don’t care about my brother, but Mom and Dad need to meet her. I get that you’re going to be mad, but I asked them to come visit next weekend. I hope you don’t already have plans.”
She seemed to take it pretty well. I watched her body language, trying to figure out what she was going to say so I could prepare myself. “I guess I’ll talk to Bobby and see if we can drop her off to you. Are you able to baby proof your house? Do you even live in a house or an apartment?”
“I live on base for now. There’s family housing available, and I filled out the forms while I was on shift this morning. If everything goes the way it should, I may be able to move into something in the next seven days. I had to explain my situation to my commanding officer, but given the importance, he said he can pull some strings.”
“So, you’d have a whole house?” Was she surprised that I could wipe my own ass by myself? What kind of question was that? Did she not think I could provide for my daughter?
“It’s like a duplex. Two small houses connected. Some are one bedroom and some go up to three. I can also live off base, provided I can find something affordable and close. I�
��m not going to rush into anything. My parents won’t care what my living conditions look like.” That wasn’t true. They’d care, but be fine if I was happy.
Without giving it a single thought Kat shocked me with her solution. “They can come to my house. Bobby still owns another house, so we’ll go there for the weekend. The house is already baby proofed and B will be comfortable.”
“Wow. That’s pretty generous of you. Are you doing this to kiss my ass?” I wanted to know how far she would go to get on my good side again. It was plain as day that she missed me in her life. I knew it because I felt the same way. As hard as I tried to stay mad at her, my heart was taking over, and that could only lead us down a road that neither of us were prepared for.
“Is it working?” She questioned.
At first I laughed, shaking my head at her presumption. Then our eyes met, and nothing could have prepared me for the vibes she was giving off.
I smiled at her while staring into her eyes. “I’m still mad, but some of the things you said last night were true. Knowing you were pregnant and alone would have been torture for me. It doesn’t make what you did right, but I don’t know if I could have handled not being able to get to you.”
It was the best feeling to have my own daughter come up and take my hand. “Pay wit me.”
I followed her like a lost puppy. Climbing and jumping through things I had no business being in. I didn’t care. The employees saw my fatigues and let it go. They weren’t about to tell a soldier he couldn’t be with his child.
After she found her friends again, my little bug went off to play in smaller tubes. I found Kat sitting on the same bench as before. “Is she always so playful?”
“Unless she’s in grumpy mood. Then she won’t want anything to do with you.”
What happened next wasn’t on purpose. All I was trying to do was adjust the way I was sitting. Accidentally I placed my hand on top of hers and electricity rushed through me, awakening the dormant places that had been holding out so long for her. Our eyes met again and this time I knew she was feeling it too.
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 19